Let's play pretend
Pretend we're kids again
Back when smiles came naturally
Before our hearts were casualties

Let's play pretend
Make believe we're still friends
Back when we laughed for hours
Before the world turned sour

Let's play pretend
Imagine love with no end
Back to the beginning
Before the demons were winning

Let's play pretend
Like a message in an bottle we send
To someone in an imaginary land
Before we could really understand

Let's play pretend
Learn to smile again
Faking it isn't the same
Faking a smile to hide the shame

Imagine if we could remember
The final sparks of a dying ember
Of the hope that carried us on the wind
When we would play pretend

Who reached out to me when my world fell apart
One maybe two people? Some that never did before
You know who didn't? My "family" - They had no heart
So what am I supposed to believe that life has in store?

So far life has shown me how to pull myself out of despair
It has shown me to trust NO ONE no matter what they say
It taught me that my healing is the weight for ME to bare
To not lean on anyone because eventually they go away

Some said they were sending ' prayers and thoughts'
and while this is always well meant
It didn't help me in the throws of my loss
When it felt like I was broken - my hope all spent

I had people offer all sorts of advice for me
What they would do in my situation
The harm they did, they simply didn't see
When they disappeared they offered no explanation
What did that do for me

Just, ****, Gone
Alone again to deal with my demons
What did I do so wrong?
I gave up, I don't need their reasons...

I guess I am better off without them
I don't need all the negativity
All they did was judge and condemn
So I leave them behind, and lean on my own ability

God is with me  - He whispers  in the dark
He holds me when everyone else turned their back
He puts me on the right path, and urges me to embark
on the journey of life - He protects me from any attack.

I am swinging by my neck at the end of my rope
Searching around for some glimmer of hope
Some safe place, a sanctuary for my heart
That has been cremated after being torn apart

I look and I look everywhere I go
Seeking solace, while I go with the flow
Trying to find a feeling I have never known
Looking for the place, a home to call my own

I am a sojourner pushed and pulled by fate
Tossed about like a leaf on the wind of hate
This world has choked my lungs of all the air
And yet I can say I'm not quite as scared

I used to walk around under the weight of fear
Now its dismay, yet I can shed no tear
It stalks me every night and day
I wish for my life the voices would just go away

I can't seem to cry though I feel I'm drowning
I have my faith but it seems I'm always doubting
I doubt my strength, I doubt my sanity
Because my life has been endless calamity

When will this storm finally subside
I guess I just hold on, while I'm along for the ride
Buckle up and hold onto the rope
Its a rough ride kids, find your reasons to cope

I have heard it said my pain is an illusion
Because its just in my head
Because its not a scar, wound or contusion
That I just need to get over it, they said.

Give it time, healing is slow
Pray more, take this pill, stop overthinking
But they really don't know
the everyday struggle to stop myself from sinking

The callousness of society
bleeds my heart dry
The constant impropriety
makes me want to cry

"You choose to feel this way"
"Just choose to be happy"
If it were that easy I'd do it today
To choose this, how ill would I have to be

I am just so completely tired
of the way this world spins around
of how they all conspired
to put me in the ground

You sow these seeds of anger
So you'll reap the grapes of wrath
You offer me no answer
You tell me to take a different path

You speak what you feel
Yet let no one else do the same
If they do not suit your ideal
Then they're living a life of shame

You wonder why the silence grows
With the walls that form between us
Maybe only God really knows
But it doesn't take a genius

Your heart and words to me are bitter
I cannot fathom why you can not see
Or why you can not consider
That the problem here isn't just me

Stop sowing the seeds of doubt
Or else you'll reap uncertain love
With weakness of resentment throughout
You'll destroy what we dreamed of

I love you but you don't see it
I say it but you won't hear
If this is what you want so be it
I won't let my heart hold you so dear

I want you to understand
My love has not diminished
I will not draw back my hand
Until you tell me we are finished

I am not miserable because of you
My pain is not your doing
There is little that you can do
While my storm is brewing

Mutual respect is what I want - do you want that too?
With no hypocrisy mixed into it
Speak to me how you want me to speak to you
If we do this I know we will pull through it

What are you doing to yourself
Going over it again and again in your head
What purpose does this serve?
Why Linger on Words left unsaid

Why dwell in darkened memories
that refute Your Inner Strength
why do you keep yourself shackled
and keep love at arms length

--------------

Because I feel like it's deserved
For every bridge that I've burned
Each took with it pieces of my soul preserved I feel the pain has been earned

I deserve the anguish I feel
For every horrible mistake
I do not feel worthy of love that's real
I put my own life on the stake

So I will relive my every scar
over and over in my head
to make it makes sense how I got this far when long ago - I should have been dead

---------------

I do not think this is helpful
I really do not think this is right
you did not cause your misery
so lay down the burdens tonight

let yourself have some solace
give yourself an ounce of peace
rest in God's promise
and put to bed the Beast

Memories tarnished with loss
A life weighed down with fear
Who could bear this cross
Living life at the end of a spear

We do not carry the pain on our own
Even though it seems that way
We never carry the cross alone
All we need to do is pray

The pain may never disappear
But in time it may subside
We may never be rid of the fear
But we won't always have to hide

Hold on to hope, believe with all your might
See Life as a worthy adversary
Prepare each day for the fight
In time the weight will get easier to carry

The still small voice that helps you cope
That is your savior- within you
Begging you to hold on to the end of your rope
The one that presses you to continue

Life is not over - it just feels that way
Do not let the demons win the fight
Do not take your life - I beg you please stay. stay focused - do not lose sight