My shaking hands are full of uncertainty
My steel heart is buried in sorrow
My weary mind filled with absurdity
With no motivation to see tomorrow

So many people with broken souls
Walking around with walls up
Our consciousness filled with holes
Filled with loneliness because nobody calls up

Hey how you doin' are you okay
Nah not really but I got through the day
So I guess I am better than I could have been
Thanks for asking, old friend

I have these conversations with myself
Because no one really understands
So I sit here on my shelf
With my uncertain shaking hands

Shes dancing with shadows
And gets lost in the rain
She quarrels with her demons
That try to bathe in her pain

As she closes her eyes
She prays for the end
Because this life gets heavy
It gets so hard to pretend

Her tears flow freely
When she speaks the name
They soak her in loneliness
And drench her in shame

The life of a childless mother
Is a pain un-compared
Its a wonder she's breathing
With the weight she has bared

Voiceless in an endless chasm
Of fear, grief and pain
Echoing with memories
That only drive her insane

The gun looks tempting
The bullet chambered is coated in grief
She toys with the thought
Would it bring me relief

No it would only pass on the pain
It would bring no relief
It would make others suffer
It would pass on the grief.

Resonate with me for a moment
Open your heart to my mind
See me not as your opponent
For a friend in me you'll find

Lean not on the understanding of man
They will only let you down
Rise up and find your feet to stand
And straighten up your crown

You are more than what they did to you
You're more than this pain you feel
Looking back do you see how you grew
Find solace in peace and love that's real

Write yourself a letter
That lets you know you're proud
Of who you've become, how you got better
Then read the words out loud

You do this often and you will see
Progress and healing in the making
Write to you like you would a friend, kindly
Even if your hand is shaking

Tell yourself things that others forgot to
Share with the paper your desire and secrets
Share with it your dreams and be true
Show it all of your pain and regrets
In the process - get to know you

I try to keep myself distracted
From my breaking mind and heart
Over thinking how I overreacted
Trying to get the healing to start

The harder I try to heal
The more I feel attacked
The less I know what is real
The less I know how to interact

My words come out forced and slow
As my mind runs in a circle
My anger blooms and begins to show
Is this fight eternal?

Crying alone on the inside
Screams echo through my mind
It feels like I already died
In this darkened grave I lay confined

I've worn this mask for far too long
Pretending always that nothing's wrong
I always had to be the one to be strong always seeking Somewhere I Belong

The mask sinks it's Talons into my skin
I don't know where I end and The Mask begins
It seems now to be wearing thin
I thought it protected me- but it is my sin

It's the lie that I show to the world
The lie I've worn since I was a little girl
I was trained to hide all my pain
I was constrained to pretend I'm sane

I became the mirror to all who peered in
I withdrew to the iron and porcelain cage Within
Pretending always in this unending ruse
Hiding every tear and every bruise

Pretending I wasn't abused
Leaving my conscience more confused

I faked it so long I lost who I am
Condemning myself - feeling ******
No one needs to see my strife
So I've stayed hidden away all my life

Always in fear of what the world would do
If they found out my truth - if they knew
So I sublimated myself as I grew
Speaking my truth to only a few

Most often when I finally shared
My fear was realized - they abhorred me - or didn't care
Now it seems I can no longer hide
Because I can feel myself slowly dying inside

What will I do when my mask shatters
What will you do - I guess that's what matters
Will you also cast me away
Or will you still choose to stay

Disharmony
Disjointed notes of pain
Cacophony
Of voices driving me insane

So conflicted
So out of place
The damage inflicted
shows on my face

I used to try to hide it
But now I am far too weary
I can't climb out of this pit
The charade has grown dreary

You say I like this feeling
You say I am just lazy
That, that is why I'm not healing
That, that is why I feel crazy.

What do you know about me
that I didn't share with you
How wrong can one person possibly be
How can you say something so untrue?

The war I fight
is on the inside
I wrestle my demons day and night
with nowhere to hide

I cry out to God for mercy
I cry out to heaven for healing
I pray quietly for these demons to leave me be
I get impatient - No answer comes through the ceiling
While I lay awake
fighting my fight
hearing my mind and heart break
every day and night

I try to stand
but I fall back down
I am reaching out for a helping hand
from the grave I dug in the ground

I look around
for the voice of hope
and yet I am still bound
By the chains of my past and a hangman's' rope

I dance around these thoughts
that swim like sharks inside my brain
while my luster for my life rots
and yet I sit here and pretend to be sane

These pages don't judge me
like the world probably would
The ink spills from my heart - and silences the demon no one sees
Writing helps more than really anything else could.