My quiet hell seems peaceful
If you are on the outside
I sink deep into my shell
and return to it to hide
I hide behind a smile
and it seems to work
for a little while
but it fades to a smirk
then it fades completely away
and the truth comes out
at the end of the day
So I hide in bed so no one sees what I cry about

I hide in what looks like reverie
But its only a mask for misery

He is the only key to the jail cell in my mind
He is the only peace I will ever find
He is the only one who gives me grace
He is the only one who truly sees my face
He is the only one who sees past the mask
He is the only helper I'd feel okay to ask
He is the one in which I can confide
He is the one that doesn't make me feel like I have to hide
He is the only one who can save me from my hell
He is the Savior that I know I can always tell

Why should I let my past control me
Why should I fear every day of my life
Why should I let that dictate who I am to be
Why should I continue to shoulder the strife

Why is it so hard to lay it down
Why is it so hard to cast my cares away
Why is it so hard to not let myself drown
Why is it so hard to get out of bed today

Why let myself feel like a burden
Why let myself feel like I am broken
Why let myself feel so shut in
why let myself feel like I can't be outspoken

All I ever think about is you
The family I once had
My kids and mother - Sister and brothers
Everything I thought was true
seemed to turn sour - rotten - bad

They all turned their backs
and left me to die alone
How am I supposed to forgive and forget
When they sold me out to make up for what they lack
When they robbed me of all that I owned

They try to hide behind angels faces
Pretending to be kind and better people
I don't get how everyone gets snowed
When it is SO fake - but that's what social grace is
They hate behind closed doors but smile at the steeple

I don't get it how am I painted evil
when they are the abusers that broke me
how is it I am the one with the blame - the shame
When they are the ones that caused my upheaval
When they stole the only ones that set me free

They made me look foolish
not to mention they painted me crazy
how can you tell me to be normal
when you can't define it - its only that you wish
that you could change me so your life is less hazy
That won't happen until you put down your pipe dreams
You never really cared for me - Those are your words
So choke on them - to drown out my screams

You said you want to shoot me in the face
Our mother gave a half hearted apology
then made me feel the guilt - just like you do
Can you see the disgrace?
I am through with your ******* up psychology

So now I am forced to say goodbye
I don't know why I don't want to
You have given me every reason to hate
but all it did was make me want to cry
and say I am sorry to you
HOW SICK IS THAT
You can finesse this all to your favor
even when you through my trauma in my face
I still love you - in the combat
Where you told me I should have been there to save her
FROM YOU

How do you do what you do
and still like - still live with yourself
Or face a mirror
Or be in good health
Can your see yourself clearer?
Who is this monster you've become
And why does our mother just hide from
the truth that you aren't the same
or maybe you've always been this way
and just never changed

Even without you around
You still abuse me
I don't get it
I hear your voice when there's no sound
Why are you always trying to confuse me

The devil laughs when you wake up
this much I know for certain
because you do his work for him
Why don't you and he break up
and just close the curtain
The act is over- our family is done
are you happy at last
now that you have destroyed me - and had your fun
throwing up to me my whole past?

I will walk away from this war
because I want to survive the battle
you gave me plenty of scars
But God and Jesus will help me restore
and renew the broken heart that you rattled

I will find my victory
as the bridge burns and I walk away
I won't think of what you took from me
I can't help it though - my mind is contradictory
But at least I made it through today

I love each one of them, more than I love myself
Without them I feel like a toy forgotten on a shelf
waiting for the child to come back and want to play
waiting for their smiles to brighten up my day
In my darkened corner I will wait an eternity
Until I see their loving faces staring back at me

A cage with in my mind Where I feel that I belong
For everything that I let happen for everything I did wrong
I persecute myself daily for the sins I can't forgive
I can not set myself free - I can barely let myself live

Knowing where I failed
Knowing the lives that I derailed
The pain I wrought
comes to mind like a twisting knife with every thought

I let you all down so I will do all I can
So you will never wear a frown
even if that means I drown

Sinking beneath my failures caught in a devils trap
How much more can I take - before this rope snaps?
I've slid to the end, and I am holding on for dear life
I'm not great at tying knots, but I know how to use a knife

Will God catch me if I fall
Trusting Him, though I lose it all
letting go of everything I love
til I only have my Father above

Why does this feel so cruel
So vile and unfair
why did the punishment have to be a cross I can't bare

--------

I get it now - God's will is stronger
I will not fight it any longer
I don't want free will anymore
I just want my life back like it was before

Rocking them to sleep at night
kisses and prayers - hugs so tight
Laughter every single day
I don't want them to go away

This is worse than death
it takes away my breath
It stings in my mind
How the world is so unkind
I pray to just rewind
back to a better time
I see it when I close my eyes
but when they open the dream flies
they well up with tears at goodbyes
fearing that it could be our last
God the time just goes so fast

How long does this pain last
As long as I carry it I suppose
If I keep trudging through my past
That I keep locked up so no one knows -
That I feel like a burden
with nothing much to offer
A broken heart and mind
With empty coffers

My children are why I live
their absence is why I am lonely
They are my reason to forgive
They are my reason only

What brought me my joy
Now brings me so much pain
the absence of their laughter
Drowns me in silent rain

I lock it all away
so that no one can see
But my eyes always betray
The fact that I can't be happy

Early life stole my innocence
later it took my mind
it lead me to my own ignorance
leaving me completely blind

Blind to the pain I put them through
with my own bad choices
While I justified what I'd do
with the darkness' tormenting voices

I'd beat myself down and I still do it everyday
This isn't what God wants from me - so I hope He takes it away

The anxieties creep back in
and the nightmares and flashbacks begin
As it fades depression follows in its wake
with desolation and destruction
The devil needs no introduction

He finds his ways to  shake me
But the Lord won't let him break me