Why should I let my past control me
Why should I fear every day of my life
Why should I let that dictate who I am to be
Why should I continue to shoulder the strife

Why is it so hard to lay it down
Why is it so hard to cast my cares away
Why is it so hard to not let myself drown
Why is it so hard to get out of bed today

Why let myself feel like a burden
Why let myself feel like I am broken
Why let myself feel so shut in
why let myself feel like I can't be outspoken

All I ever think about is you
The family I once had
My kids and mother - Sister and brothers
Everything I thought was true
seemed to turn sour - rotten - bad

They all turned their backs
and left me to die alone
How am I supposed to forgive and forget
When they sold me out to make up for what they lack
When they robbed me of all that I owned

They try to hide behind angels faces
Pretending to be kind and better people
I don't get how everyone gets snowed
When it is SO fake - but that's what social grace is
They hate behind closed doors but smile at the steeple

I don't get it how am I painted evil
when they are the abusers that broke me
how is it I am the one with the blame - the shame
When they are the ones that caused my upheaval
When they stole the only ones that set me free

They made me look foolish
not to mention they painted me crazy
how can you tell me to be normal
when you can't define it - its only that you wish
that you could change me so your life is less hazy
That won't happen until you put down your pipe dreams
You never really cared for me - Those are your words
So choke on them - to drown out my screams

You said you want to shoot me in the face
Our mother gave a half hearted apology
then made me feel the guilt - just like you do
Can you see the disgrace?
I am through with your ******* up psychology

So now I am forced to say goodbye
I don't know why I don't want to
You have given me every reason to hate
but all it did was make me want to cry
and say I am sorry to you
HOW SICK IS THAT
You can finesse this all to your favor
even when you through my trauma in my face
I still love you - in the combat
Where you told me I should have been there to save her
FROM YOU

How do you do what you do
and still like - still live with yourself
Or face a mirror
Or be in good health
Can your see yourself clearer?
Who is this monster you've become
And why does our mother just hide from
the truth that you aren't the same
or maybe you've always been this way
and just never changed

Even without you around
You still abuse me
I don't get it
I hear your voice when there's no sound
Why are you always trying to confuse me

The devil laughs when you wake up
this much I know for certain
because you do his work for him
Why don't you and he break up
and just close the curtain
The act is over- our family is done
are you happy at last
now that you have destroyed me - and had your fun
throwing up to me my whole past?

I will walk away from this war
because I want to survive the battle
you gave me plenty of scars
But God and Jesus will help me restore
and renew the broken heart that you rattled

I will find my victory
as the bridge burns and I walk away
I won't think of what you took from me
I can't help it though - my mind is contradictory
But at least I made it through today

I love each one of them, more than I love myself
Without them I feel like a toy forgotten on a shelf
waiting for the child to come back and want to play
waiting for their smiles to brighten up my day
In my darkened corner I will wait an eternity
Until I see their loving faces staring back at me

A cage with in my mind Where I feel that I belong
For everything that I let happen for everything I did wrong
I persecute myself daily for the sins I can't forgive
I can not set myself free - I can barely let myself live

Knowing where I failed
Knowing the lives that I derailed
The pain I wrought
comes to mind like a twisting knife with every thought

I let you all down so I will do all I can
So you will never wear a frown
even if that means I drown

Sinking beneath my failures caught in a devils trap
How much more can I take - before this rope snaps?
I've slid to the end, and I am holding on for dear life
I'm not great at tying knots, but I know how to use a knife

Will God catch me if I fall
Trusting Him, though I lose it all
letting go of everything I love
til I only have my Father above

Why does this feel so cruel
So vile and unfair
why did the punishment have to be a cross I can't bare

--------

I get it now - God's will is stronger
I will not fight it any longer
I don't want free will anymore
I just want my life back like it was before

Rocking them to sleep at night
kisses and prayers - hugs so tight
Laughter every single day
I don't want them to go away

This is worse than death
it takes away my breath
It stings in my mind
How the world is so unkind
I pray to just rewind
back to a better time
I see it when I close my eyes
but when they open the dream flies
they well up with tears at goodbyes
fearing that it could be our last
God the time just goes so fast

How long does this pain last
As long as I carry it I suppose
If I keep trudging through my past
That I keep locked up so no one knows -
That I feel like a burden
with nothing much to offer
A broken heart and mind
With empty coffers

My children are why I live
their absence is why I am lonely
They are my reason to forgive
They are my reason only

What brought me my joy
Now brings me so much pain
the absence of their laughter
Drowns me in silent rain

I lock it all away
so that no one can see
But my eyes always betray
The fact that I can't be happy

Early life stole my innocence
later it took my mind
it lead me to my own ignorance
leaving me completely blind

Blind to the pain I put them through
with my own bad choices
While I justified what I'd do
with the darkness' tormenting voices

I'd beat myself down and I still do it everyday
This isn't what God wants from me - so I hope He takes it away

The anxieties creep back in
and the nightmares and flashbacks begin
As it fades depression follows in its wake
with desolation and destruction
The devil needs no introduction

He finds his ways to  shake me
But the Lord won't let him break me

Was I ungrateful
For the life that I'd been given
Was I foolish in my thinking
That my past had been forgiven

I love them all so much
I want to hug them - feel their touch
"A pat on the face for mother"
Can heal a heart like no other

I am a broken poet
who has lost her muse
my mind blackened and I know it
But I won't give up, I refuse

I won't let the devil lie to me
I will feel peace through praise
I will be set free

I will break the petty cycles that kept me as a slave
I will not be buried alive in an unmarked grave
I will find grace
In Jesus' name

Another year older
The world gave me the cold shoulder
I've grown a little bit bolder
But I wasn't built to be a soldier

I am tired in this war
with little strength
and less to fight for
I feel like I am knocking on a door
that will never open

Life rocked me like a baby
then threw me from the nest
while everyone looked at my broken life
and whispered its for the best

The air was robbed from my chest
my heart torn from my breast
this silence steals from me my rest
I'm a  mess

Their faces shine in my mind
their voices ring like echos down empty halls
I hear their calls for mommy
and feel myself fall
as my muscles unwind

I reach for them in my dreams
but they are always further than it seems
too far to touch or hold
they can't hear my screams
'Mommy's here to love you,
I put no one else above you
I need you night and day
without you my heart has flown away
I am always stressing about how you are
I know we are so far
but baby look up at the stars, I am too
and when I see the moon
I only think of you
I pray you sleep
like the angels are there to keep
all nightmares away.
My love is never ending
I hope you feel the prayers I keep on sending
that they take away your fears
your tears
and give you a new beginning
where happiness is abounding
with a peace that is astounding
Love is bountiful if you seek it

I miss you all so much I sometimes can't bear it
I can't sleep without seeing your faces
In all of our old places
I think I learned what God's grace is

I wish I had found out sooner
I wish I had not taken our time for granted
because the love that God has planted
will never ever wither

I'm not ready  to let you go
I'm not ready for goodbye
I want you to know
My love will never die
And you will always be my babies
and when I look up to the skies
All I see are your beautiful eyes

In every child's face I see your smile
Its replaced with you and me
Holding hands carefree'

God - why does this feel like dying
why hours of useless crying
What have I been denying
Why is this life so terrifying
Why do I always feel alone
Why is my heart turning back to stone
Except when I hear their voices through the phone
that is the only joy I've got, then its done
and I am alone with my thoughts
they are polluted and they drown me
in brackish waters
as I think of my sons and daughter
and where I went so wrong
how I must have failed all along


The Lord giveth & The Lord taketh away
but at least - all of my babies are alive today.
Thank you.