and i've been staying up too late
i'm too preoccupied to rest
i heard you want to try again
but i know there's nothing left
i've been picking at the scabs
of what was once my heart
i should of listened when you told me
it easiest to stop what you never start
the darkness gets beaten back
when your call lights up my phone
you want me to come out and talk
i just want to stay inside alone
and i hope i am strong enough to tell you on my own
that i'm sick of selfish games
all the ******* that you play
the promises you'll break tomorrow
of the lies you'll tell today
and sometimes i can still feel her
crawling beneath my skin
oh lord grant me the strength
please don't let her win.

i'm sick of broken mirrors
i'm sick of ****** noses
i'm sick of repeating myself
over and over and over
i'm sick of screaming myself hoarse
everything you think, we've already thought
everything you are, we've already bought

I sing of "Beautiful you"
and it makes me want to choke
i avoid the eyes of the angel, lest i be ******
i fill a diary
with all the ways i'm doomed
i want to fight
i want to join a club
i am haunted
by these invisible monsters
while they sing their lullabies
i try to make something up
rendered a pygmy
always ranting, raving
***** out all the candles
the truth is stranger than fiction
i am a survivor
this is nothing but a tell-all

you weren't the first to fall
life can be unpredictable
what matters is that you stayed
when everyone else slipped away
so call me back home
i'm sick of wandering these streets alone
i've been feeling like half of a whole
crawling into bed alone
and every night i see you face
it seems so far away
i bend and stretch and climb
but fall short everytime
then i'm back in bed
your last whispers through my head
until again the sun goes down
and you come back around
(that night the blind man dreamt he was blind)

the holiest of holies
and i dare not speak your name
i'm not worthy of your love
but i'll ruin you just the same
you're the child in a minefield
i'm a bomb that lies in wait
not considered providence
no, i wouldn't call it fate
as you place water upon
these parched and broken lips
i draw you in with an innocent smile
then bite your hands off at the wrist

I hate the uneducated and the ignorant.
I hate the pompous and the phony.
I hate the jealous, the resentful.
The crabbed and mean and petty.
I hate all ordinary and dull little people
who  aren't ashamed of being dull and little.
I hate the New People
with their cars
and their money
and their T.V.s
and their stupid vulgarities
and their stupid crawling imitations.

I love honesty and freedom and giving.
I love making, I love doing.
I love being to the full.
I love everything that is not sitting
and watching
and copying
and dead at heart.

i used to think that you were gods
but now i know you're only men
(oh, how i know men)
you think i'm scared of death?
i've died a million times
i'm quite good at it by now
how good are you?
(if you don't help me
you'll soon find out)

Some wonder, ‘what’s the point of living if we’re all just born to die?’ Sure, some ships are made to wreck, but you don’t have to drown with the rest of them! Sing not for the final outcome, sing a song of how they tried! When they’re overtaken by words bent on breaking, when they cry ‘monotonous, but not this!’, wipe the sweat from their brow, take the load from their shoulder, and offer a steady hand. Not because they deserve it, but because you can! Let yourself be the water that extinguishes the flames, the finger in the dam, the ray of sunshine that banishes those dark clouds that follow overhead! Be the reason they choose peace over annihilation! Smile, for the world is a dark enough place already; we need all the beauty we can get. (Help like you’re the only one who can.)

found herself alone again
and she begged for life and love
she's wished more times than there are stars in the sky
same as it ever was
same as it ever was

he spoke of was and when
to the moon perched high above
but the moon made no reply
same as it ever was
same as it ever was

this is forwarded to you
no one i know owns anything
and i don't think most people i know ever will
i'm tired of bewilderment and helplessness
i want so many thing to end soon
and i know anything is possible
in moments where everything is denied
but everyday clumsy stubborn beautiful ideas
wither and rot on the vine
i'm tired of this so called state of affairs
i'm calling an end to fear and paranoia and self-intimidation
i'm done watching the world spin, as if nothing is happening at all
i'm done waiting
this is dedicated to waitresses and junkies and carpenters
to secretaries and schizophrenics and alcoholics
to the imminent societal collapse
this is dedicated to girls kissing girls
boys kissing boys
boys kissing girls
and everything that falls in between
the future is as it ever was
uncertain, bleak, beautiful
for all we know, tomorrow they might arrest us all
listen closely to the movements
ascribe adequate weight to dissidents and whisperers
some hearts only keep on beating as long as you keep on listening
try to be free
try not to be afraid
no matter what they say
the end of the world will never come.

We don’t own as much as we used to; some of us wonder if we ever will again. Feeling bewildered and helpless is the new normal. We wait and watch, as all those clumsy, stubborn, beautiful ideas withering away on the vine; day in, day out. We all just want it to end, and soon.

A murmur. A rumbling. It’s moments like these where anything is possible. Hope lies, waiting, even in these days of utter and complete denial.

So, we’re calling an end to this “State of Affairs”. We’re calling an end to fear and paranoia and self-intimidation. We sick of those sitting in the chairs, watching the world spin, as if things weren’t happening. We’re done waiting.

We’d like to dedicate this to the desperate and the forgotten and the broken. This for the waitresses, the junkies, and the carpenters. The secretaries and schizophrenics and alcoholics. Those living behind enemy lines. Those who bring the war home with them. This isn’t for company men; men with families and a health-plan and a hybrid car they just “can’t risk losing”. You can’t trust a man whose welfare is just another cog, embedded into the belly of that same horrible machinery. No such man has ever lost himself in revolution. It just isn’t done.

This is for the memory of an empire, created and destroyed. Its base was built on traditions we no longer need, and values we no longer possess.
This is about those who’ve abandoned thoughts of hope and love, thoughts they so justly deserve.

Despite all this, the future remains the same as it ever was. Bleak, uncertain, magnificent. For all we know, we may be arrested tomorrow.

But we are here, now, so hear me: This is the end of whispered dissidence. This is the death of stagnation and dissonance and all that empty space. Listen close. We’ll not hesitate to sink the ship and **** the Captain.

This is for the hearts who’ve kept beating. Know that we never stopped listening. We're coming, and we're bringing change with us. This is for you. Try to be free. Don’t be afraid. I have seen the future, and I have seen better days. No matter what ‘they’ say, the end of the world will never come.




They stumble in their exaltation, rejoicing. They’ve stolen the crown. Praise be. As if that’s all that ever made a King.

wade in the water, wade
let the flood swell
thank the storm for her tears
the faithful say its beautiful
it's god's will
but the fool knows what the prophets have seen
no salvation's impending
the faithful say its beautiful
it's god's will
let the flood swell
and the bodies that break
will just float down the river
stay tame, soft river, while we weigh our faith
stay sweet, run softly, sweet river
the fool who wades in doubt will float like concrete
come and fill your lungs. come and fill your lungs
let the flood swell

haunted by the echoes
but the flood will bring relief
scaled a tree under the moon
to pluck the purest leaf
you spoke of was and when
enamored by the rapture
curses dripped through swollen lips
indebted to the fracture
a roar rose from the line
a thousand pairs of eyes
denied the gifts of failure
a wind, or seraphs cry
sacrifice to heaven
this present born of love
begging for the rain
persecution of the blood

the sound of a disembodied voice
causes him to rise for the first time in days
shaken by the suddenness and
shocked by what he heard it say
the most difficult thing in life
it's not doubting what lies above
it's not forgetting what you lost
is not losing what you love
we all come close together
only to fall right back apart
our hopes are waking dreams
that we've lost before the start
everything is static
nothing is the same
leave faith to feed the wolves
drown the fear and shame
burn that hope of yours
tread heavy on its ash
push all that you find inside
but save yourself a match
because when all that's left
is your sad, pale frame
finish it off with one last breath
let the smoke pour out his name

it's easier to hold the words
than try to explain them away
i should have told you i'd miss you
before you backed out the driveway
they told us they'd lied
that gods and dreams were one in the same
it helped more than the truth
we couldn't learn to bury blame
cause nothing is for free
and nothing lasts forever
my love will live on
it will find you wherever
i'll always remember
what you never said to me
and wonder how two people so connected
just couldn't let it be

start writing down all your thoughts about the future, instead of always focusing on the past. forget all those stories that they used to tell you. quit following all those loose ends. remember that, sometimes, the wrong places still hold the right things. reach out. look for something more. greet yourself with the smile you only share with strangers. immerse yourself in all the chances you're too afraid to take. stop pulling from others, and start pulling from yourself. i know the strength is real, because i've seen it. it's in you.

i know that i'm a mess
and i'm less than you deserve
the wires of my brain get so tangled
i don't know why i say the things i say
last night, when i told you i hate you
and i pushed you and told you you should leave
in my head, what i really meant by that was
i love you! i'm sorry! please, don't leave!

when it comes to the pain
you disassociate
the pleasure and the pain
never seperate
you're increasingly painting things in grey.
stop with all the anxious color!
bad memories of good times
you always said that you'd be fine
but when i came home that day
to find everything packed and put away
i begged you for closure
but you just brushed off your shoulder
and said that sometimes life works out that way
when i reached down
to wipe your blood from the ground
never thought i'd hear you say
maybe we're better off this way
(it's alright! it's okay! you'll be just fine!
just hold on, sit down, give it some time)
Please, remember my anger,
and how it lost me all i've ever wanted

You just kept saying
you didn't know what else to do.
I'm not really listening.
I mean, you're a stranger.
Why should I care?
A stranger with the face
of someone I used to know
of someone I thought I knew.
Now all I see is you.
How can anyone know how it feels?

[Keep it like a secret, safe inside your chest.
A toast to what's been taken, and cheers to what is left.]

you prayed for a savior
so i put these holes
in my hands
it's all for you
and i can't stop shaking
if you don't stop shaking

hopping fences
under faint street lights
i mean, everybody does
picking splinters while we discuss
all the possibilities
of what will be and what was

and i know myself
better than anyone else
so save yourself

i think there's a god
and good or bad
he ignores either way
in the middle of the night
he listening with my friends
when i kneel at my bedside and pray

and i pray for myself
and everybody else
and the only one he helps
is himself

and i threw the match
and lit the funeral pyre
i prayed one final time
blew a kiss to my friends
and gave myself to the fire.

he has no faith but
he's familiar with hell
and there's no telling
how he made it out alive
but for all the friends he's lost
he'll sing a song of how they tried
he knows someday it'll be okay
he's got her so
he'll never be alone

Thursday

It's another glorious spring morning, and I find myself struggling to find the beauty in it. I fear I'm engulfed in one of my "spells" again; I fear I won't be able to handle it this time. I know, it's not fair to you, nor I, nor us. I'm confused all the time. I can't read, I can't write, I can't think. I just wanted you to know that you brought all the happiness in my life. No one else could've made it better.
I know that I'm ruining your life. I know that this will devastate you. I know that you'll blame yourself. But I also know that, eventually, you will recover. You will. You have to.
I'd like you to remember me as I was, before all the terribleness. Remember me at the dock in San Diego, when you grabbed my hand and we fell into the ocean like a fever, or a daydream. Remember me when I dropped the turkey in front of everyone on Thanksgiving; when I laughed it off but you knew, and later you held me as I cried silently in the hallway. Remember me as a time of day, when the sun rests at it's highest and you trust it to never go away.
Not all experiences are meant for everyone. I gave it all I had. I gave you all I had. You were "it". You are it. It's not that I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I know I never was.
Loving me is like loving a house on fire. Leave me behind. I want to remember this as love, not lost.

its not perfect
but it dulls the pain
for a little while, anyways
she heard it was a fad
a phase
a bump in the road
time heals all wounds
remember?
these are some sick sad little rituals
she knew that things may change
but time would never take this pain away

ill tell you all my secrets
but ill lie about my past
less about the answers
what questions have you asked?

sermonizing on your savior
and how he'd save my soul
you preach the gates of heaven
while i stole communion from the bowl

and so i've bathed in holy water
i drank your dead gods blood
absolved of all my sins
never a word from up above

who is he to judge?
why does he get to decide?
the one who'll never suffer?
the one who never has to die?

so now i've heard you out
i'll stick to the path that i had found
you can lose your head in heaven
ill keep my feet on solid ground

i went out last night
and saw a light.
the moon stood back
and it was foggy.
your face was hard
upon the ground and
the light was everywhere.
"oh, what a loss!"
i was caught inside a coin
with a girl with flaming hair
reaching out to find what was
already in my hand
praise be! glory be!
the roots are strong and deep
figure eights til infinity.

(this was just another story.
no one is waiting for you.
there is no tree.
there no warning.
no heat.
no flash.

there are long hallways
and warm water-fountains
there is no ceiling
and you may never stop.)

sorrowful songs, a soliloquy
for a ship that's blown off course
deep-seated planted memories
of sacred moods divorced
where a tree once stood
or, a guiding light
two tracks both lead the same
long shadows cast
from stars above
separate faces share a name
avarice rained upon the field
a requiem for a dream
days drag on whilst years fly by
not knowing what it means

a woman grieves for what she's lost to this world.
said she's been having trouble sleeping, but he knows she's been sleeping fine.
old habits or wishful thinking?
maybe it's a sign, this song.
a hopeful sonnet despite the rain.
against a storm of thunder and of pain.
said she'd prayed for peace, but he knew she'd prayed for plagues.
and he can only imagine.

and your heart isn't lost
and you're worthy of love
and i know the feeling of
feeling dragged to the bone
and i know strength
because i've seen it

midnight late last week
photos on the wall
of someone i don't even know at all
i still can see her face
she was only eight
relaxed as hell
she was my baby before she became a lady

some prophesies burn down
long before they can disappear
there's a reason that one stuck out
stuck out wider than the others
with leering eyes and reeking of charm
all you need is a hand to take a hold of the scene

it is a choice
it is inevitable
it is selfish
it is selfless
it is weak
it is strong
it is forever
it is never
it isn't erasing pain, it's sharing it.
it is the reflection of a blade, lowered, from the throat of your reflected image.
it's sleeping it off again and again and again and again towards infinity.

They told me to start anywhere. This seems as good as any.
I hadn't talked to you for four days. You text me ever night, letting me know you were at your moms, you'd be sleeping here again. I figured I'd give you some space, but after two days of that I was planning on stopping over. I came home after work and noticed that you'd been by during the day. Your clothes were shuffled; one of the drawers was even left open, like you'd left in a hurry. Your toothbrush was gone.
Figures that when you finally come home, I'm in the bathroom.
It's been hours since you left and my head is still a mess. As I bend down to wipe the blood from the ground, I can still hear you say "It's probably better this way."
As I lay down, I know I'll find no solace in sleep. You told me I'd brought this on myself. You're right. But I'd burn this entire city to the ground if it'd bring a light to your eye. "Just one more chance," I muttered, "with what I know now."
I stare at the ceiling and a fire burns my heart. I bite my tongue until blood fills up my mouth. I'm counting "5, 4, 3, 2, 1...". I'm remembering how to breathe. We speak of everything, except what it's really about. As you left, I screamed "I hate you!" But what I really meant was "I love you! I'm sorry! Please, don't leave!"
I must have gotten up when I was asleep. I'd never been a sleepwalker before. But that apartment building didn't burn down undirected; that fire didn't start itself.

you built a castle together
it wasn't perfect, but it was yours
you danced, hand in hand, through it's halls
you sat next to each other in its thrones

one day you came home
to find a tower tumbled to the ground
shattered to its foundation
its brick thrown all around

you swore that you forgave her
although she didn't seem too worried
you promised it could be rebuilt
although you never would

one day you came home
and heard her laughing in the halls
she was walking with someone else
when you were mad, she told you you were being ridiculous

you swore that you'd forget it
but she'd already moved on
she asked about the tower you had yet to fix
she asked what was taking you so long

one day you came home
and could see her tearing down an entire wall
you shouted for her to stop
but she was mesmerized by the fall

you told her it was an accident
there was no blame to place
as you looked around
thought there was no way she'd do all this on purpose

but still the halls are quiet
you spend each dinner inside your head
and each night as you lay to sleep
you migrate to the other side of the bed

one day she said spoke of a trip
one that would take her months
you cried and told her that you'd miss her
but inside your heart was still

for months you sat alone
heard his echo in your halls
felt the cold chill on your skin
let in through the broken wall

the tower was still torn down
everything broken had stayed the same
you wondered as she traveled
if she spoke of him, if she ever used your name

finally, she returned
apologetic and ready to be true
she begged for your forgiveness
it was the least you could do

so you built back up the tower
you patched together the wall
you added locks to all the doors
but knew it would never be the same

so you stayed inside
a forced smile on your face
if this was all you wanted
why did you feel this way?

three months then crawled by
you knew she felt the same
the castle held more than the two of you
it also housed the blame

the relationship turned to competition
of who could last the longest
it came to a boiling point
on night in the middle of august

you awoke to find yourself
covered in her blood
you knew this was inevitable
for those who couldn't let go of love

you buried her in the back
marked her grave "the one who just couldn't stay true"
you knew you didn't have to
but it was the least that you could do.

i'll never be a famous writer
you'll probably be the only
one who'll ever read these
i'll never be quoted, revered
or even remotely successful
i will forever know the struggle
of a life lived within mediocrity
but i've accepted that
it's okay
i love it just the same.

and you find yourself alone again
you realize that this isn't a phase
it's the overwhelming trend

there's miles still to go
and days before you sleep
it's been 27 years and
you still don't know what it is you need

your neck cramps up
your back aches
your eyes burn
your hand shakes

you say you don't care
but oh, you do
repeat til they all believe
but you know it's never been true

get home
find they're all gone
dry your eyes
and drive on