may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

Barely Together

                               - Jocelyn Kay

How is it I hold myself together
When you’re around me
And I can breathe
The air around your skin

How is it I don’t cry always
Don’t collapse, don’t capsize
Every atom of me aching as I watch you be someone else’s

Selfish I am, the pain is of my own making
I’m happy you’re happy, but I’m shivering and tired
I’ll hold it together
But only for you

You don’t need to know, you don’t need the drama
I’ll hold it all in
And try to be me
Feeling my insides exploding
Calm, outwardly

Was this meant to happen?
Did I mess up a past life

Is there really just one Destiny?
Where do I find peace
Where do I find solace
Where do I find the happiness that I seek
Where am I headed
Where will I land

Will it just be another barren island

All we can do is hope,

Cling to that everthinning rope

To change is to die, and I’m broken inside

Will you leave me?
Will time split our paths in two?
Will I get to see you?
Can I still love you

Is it answers I seek? Or shallow distraction

I don’t believe in You.

But help me Lord

I miss the way I loved you
With every breath I loved you

I miss the silly girl in me
Who though we would love eternally

A song, a place I’m right back there
Young, naive without a care

Before I really grew into me
There was always us, you and me

Good times planted in my mind
Bad boxed up somewhere behind

Now I’m older now I see
You were never good for me

I had bad days, tears and sad days
Not knowing what I had done days

Try harder tomorrow days
Fail again and again days

I miss the person you could sometimes be
When you were not hurting me

So do I miss you, don’t you see
I miss the person I though you could be

I miss the way I loved you
With every breath I loved you