I've said "I love you" thousands of times but yet we still end in destruction.

How is this possible
To fall back to where I've escaped
I've spent countless hours
Finding worth, purpose
Healing from scars that
Left permanent markings
I was finally okay, content of the
Person staring back in the mirror
How is this possible
Is what I thought when you first
Walked into my life
Not sure if I was ready but
I was willing to start over
I gave you everything I had
Finding myself desperate
To want this to work
Ignoring all possible judgements
For who am I to adjudicate
But now I see
You preyed on my kindness and goodwill
Every downfall, trauma, and
Disappointments projected towards me
My pure mind blocked any discernment
And now I remain with hurt and anger
While you move on to new
Adventure and opportunities
Like today moving on to tomorrow
How is this possible
For me to be painted as the black hat
Slowly dragging my name through
The mud never to be rinsed
In the eyes and ears of those
I showed the opposite to
I elevated for you, for us
All to be thrown away and
Be picked up on Monday morning
No remorse, no shame or repentance
Just self-praise, propelling yourself
To the next lost soul
While I sit here confused
Wishing I never listened to your
Companions to begin with
Wishing I never became vulnerable
Wishing I never displayed my love
For you didn't deserve it
But it's stolen now, never to be
Returned
How is this possible
To have this feeling of gullibility
To have this feeling of foolishness
To have this feeling of insanity
Alone once again only to put
Forth more countless hours
Creating new scars and
adding them to the collection
How is this possible
To still love you
When every bone of my existence
Tells me not to
I understand now when they say
Love is blind
I'll do you one better
Love is pain and pain is love
I've ran out of possibilities

Can I trust you?
yes
But how do I know?
How do I know you're safe?
you don't deep down
but I will finally show you
peace
i've felt you from a long distance
i've seen you remove your heart
i'm here to stitch it back in place
i've saved this tourniquet
to stop your bleeding
your pain is heavy
your tears have filled this cup
to where you see your life as
half empty
rest
lay your head upon my sternum
you see the world as inhumane
with your restless eyes
but can you see me?
i won't depart
not again
you feel you're at the end
of the road
and of all the street signs
point to destruction
stay
please for one last time
and I will direct you
back on course
i haven't forgotten
i haven't forgotten your innocence
i haven't forgotten your purity
the world took these morals
from you
i stole them back like
a thief in the night
i've found myself pouring rivers
feeling your torment
rest now
i'm here to fulfill what you
so desperately have
been yearning
love

I know we'll never be in unity
But for once in a long time
I saw you in my dreams
And that's good enough

It's not easy holding up this cup
Looking for a break
The way you look at me
Causes me to hide my face
I had dreams
More than you could imagine
Now I'm lucky to make it in time
For shelter before the coldest
Hours of the night
Praying the sun will keep me warm
As my feet scream for me to
Take a break
I had a family, a life, an identity
I wasn't so fortunate when
The wrath of those waves
Poured in
To be forgotten and never
Searched for pains my pride
I gave in, thinking my dreams
Are just that now....dreams
Reality is these lonely
But loud streets
"Go get a job!"
As you spit on my embarrassment
Never to be thought of again
As the light turns green
And you drive away
But me...I'll be here
Fighting for turf that
Belongs to no one
If only I can just
Make it to shelter
Before those coldest hours

Who do you see?
huh?
Who do you see...when you look up there?
i don't know
i see PEACE colors SELF space
Do you see her?
Come on...don't look at me like that
The way you get lost looking at the sun Maybe hoping she's looking at it too...
At the same time...
So are you aligned?
Do you see her?
no... she's too far...she couldn't wait
And you hold that regret?
yea...everyday
But you must certainly feel her
no... not anymore

When you said it's either
Me or her
I wanted to cut you off
And say YOU
But I couldn't

I shed my tears freely because I know no one will walk in.

Tonight
Tonight we'll dance
Letting the music drift
But not of piano keys or guitar strings
Drifting of the sweet sound
The sweet sound of your voice
Its rhythm in motion is one
I close my eyes to
Heartbeats in sync as our feet
Follow each other
Tonight we'll laugh
For I love seeing you smile
Shaking your head to all
of my banal jokes
But still, you smile
Your laughter is one without judgment
Just joy
A moment away from the pain
Tonight I'll hold
Holding on to a second chance
A chance of connection fabricated from
Unpredictability
For one cannot predict love
I could not foresee you
How far we've come
Promising to never let you go
Tonight was full of dreams
Hoping never to wake up

You found me floating, unconscious
The air seemed thin and breathing
Became troubled
I was going through the motions
While my vision was on repeat
I didnt know how to foresee the
Knowledge of you, until I saw you
That first moment was awkward for
The both of us, but your beauty
Was so overwhelming and captivating
I needed to know more
You beat me to the table
As I was approaching, something
Else grabbed your attention
Maybe it was the terrible karaoke
Bleeding through the speakers but
Either way, each footstep towards you became a step slower
My mind couldn't wrap itself around
How beautiful and alluring you were
Just looking into the distance
You were soft to the touch
Your mind was racing as we sat
And talked that night
I think that's what reeled me in the most
Months have passed
And my vision just sees you
I'm frozen within this moment
Im frozen with the thought of everything
About you
Our first kiss seemed so innocent
Like kids
Our first kiss opened every airway within
My body
You became oxygen for me
Being around you everytime seems
Like the first and its hard to imagine
The night ending
But I hold on to it
I hold on to you
Your smell, your touch, your smile,
Your lips
My dreams remember you
So there is no gap between reality
And oblivion

I cant tell the difference between
love and pain.

I read your letter today
and tears started to flow
You said you see me inside of you
but I cant see me at all
My world is upside down
So this smile is really a frown
This pain I cant conceal, its unbearable
I am pain and pain is me
The abnormal pulse of my heart you see
Is due to it being on the floor, detached
I stare at it all of the time
My eyes are covered, by all of the
affliction, the disappointment
I scream uncontrollably, a true berserker
Can you hear me?
I do not feel fear, for I do not feel
The world took that from me
I have nothing else to offer
I went to God to receive a quote
for the repairs
He told me "time"
But the future seems so far away
The past stole my identity and
the present is taking advantage
The sun dancing was predicted today
But why do I see gray?
This gray cloud expanded and rain
started to fall
I stood there with my head to the sky
Feeling every drop of rain to my pain's
content
I read your letter today
and I couldn't stop wiping my face
You're staring at me
looking at yourself
We're each other's mirror reflecting
what nobody else sees

It's not you it's me
Is what the message said
And the assurance in your
Voice relayed the message
Well
But deep down I knew the
True meaning behind the missive
Was it's not me it's you
I wasnt taken back by it or
Surprised because I knew it
To be true
You started to look at me
Differently
And then you started
To walk away
I reached out to you
I tried to scream
But as the distance grew between us
All I could see was your silhouette
In the pouring rain
I stood there, that's all I could do
The water started to rise
Just beating on my chest
It became hard to breathe
Knowing what I've done
But all I could do was just
Stand there
You told me to be yourself but
What if being myself is not
Good enough
I wonder if you could see me
Like really see me
On my knees, trying to pick up
The broken pieces of what
Was left, of what the world
Didnt take
Desperately trying to mold
Them back together like a
Child figuring out her new
Favorite puzzle
Or could you see the tears
That have dried
I was desperate
Trying to hold on to happiness
For it became unfamiliar
Wondering how did this happen
Becoming a shell of who I was
Or who I am
Years of disappointment and
Deception took a toll
One that I couldn't afford
The sun chose to speak
But I turn the other way
Pulling the covers over my face
But at the same time
I promised myself to show
You
To show you something pure
Something real and kind
For you deserve that
I closed my eyes and
I wonder now if I failed
I saw a glimpse of your face
Of your smile
No I cant
I cant surrender to failure
I have to keep my promise
For you deserve that
Was your message accurate?
It was
It's not you it's me

You asked me if I believed in love
And I said I believed in you
The world was cold and
I didnt dress accordingly
The same routine over and over
Became my consumption
Until I saw you
You taught me to just enjoy
The warmness of the sun shining
Against my skin as I look
Up to the sky
That this moment is the
Only time that matters
Your touch was essential
Your smile was breathtaking
The look in your eyes told
So many stories
We laid side by side
And I whispered if this is love
Then yes, I believe
As you caress your hand
Across my cheek
I started to close my eyes
The softness I couldn't challenge
I wont forget how bright
The stars were that night
Morning has risen
I opened my eyes slowly,
Reaching over to you and felt nothing
I laid there waiting for the sound
Of your voice and heard nothing
I rubbed my face and proceeded
Back to the same routine
Wondering if you'll ever
Find me again

The pain came from others
Opportunity after opportunity
just seems to slip away
All I wanted was to feel....something
For I've never felt anything
Loneliness is a tough pill to swallow
Yet it became my daily prescription
The pain became self-inflicted
Everything I touch, I destroy
And I become forgotten
The tears have ran dry
Expectations have disappeared
Love is out of reach
I created the clouds that block the sun
Existence is my only truth

The coffee shop
In the middle of town
What wonders it brings
And you became one of them
I remember it being a busy day
Not enough seats to go around
But I was able to grab two for one
And you didn't miss out on
The opportunity just to sit down
Out of all the extremely loud sounds
A faint "hello" was able to grab my
Attention
And there you were
A presence that took my breath away
But yet so timid
It felt like eternity
Us staring at each other
Truly stuck in a daze
Until I finally blinked and
Went into motion, quickly kicking
The chair out from underneath the table
For I didn't want anyone else
To take away this moment
You sat down brushing your hair
Behind your ear
Your smile is one I'll never forget
The steam rising from your cup
Is a reflection of how I felt within
The beauty felt unreal
It had so much power
Your voice had warmth to it
As if you and the sun were one
I never imagined my life would change
In this coffee shop in the middle of town
For it brings so many wonders
But only one would count

There's something different about him
The way he moves
The way he carries
I can see the curiosity in his eyes
I can tell he wants to say something
But the words aren't coming out
Maybe he's shy
Or maybe he's just tired
Tired of the dead ends
A true mystery.....
And I'm interested

What's wrong with you?
Maybe there's interest
But you won't know unless you say something to her
She's beautiful
And you can't afford wasted moments
The road blocks in the past
Have blurred your vision
Like staring at the sun
But at the same time
You're still able to see her

They say that nobody is perfect
But Im willing to disagree
For when it comes to you
The world must be blind
And part of me is satisfied that it is
For I want your perfection
To only be for my eyes
Though its hard to say what makes
You perfect
Could it be your silky smooth skin
Or maybe its your long curly hair
Or maybe its your smile
For I pray that you never stop smiling
The sun shines bright
Perfection exists
And I see her everyday

Its hard to let you go
Like summer leaves falling
From autumn trees
As I look to fast forward
The time we shared keeps
Me in rewind, but there's no point
For you are consumed, trapped
In a tunnel full of compliments
That only lead to disappointment
The next morning
But the praise I gave was
Only for you
As your head rests against my chest,
Your soul tangled with my heart
Which created a connection
We both couldn't resist
Month after month of silence
Was suppose to be therapy
But as I lay against this soft surface
Staring at the ceiling
All I can see is your face
All I can hear is your voice
The sun shines and I am full of envy
But the periodic rainfall is just a
Reminder that even the sun
Sheds tears

I've started descending and I knew you would
be waiting at the surface prepared to catch me
for you have already fallen
Part of me was ready to sink into your arms
but clarity wasn't present
You were unfamiliar and kind, and for that I ran
Fear has taken a hold
I can feel the hurt evaporating from within
The world has made you cold
and you couldn't stop shivering
But at the same time your touch kept me warm
and I wanted more, so the fire within our
emotions began to ignite
The way you ease my mind through my
insecurities allowed me to close my eyes
Your words carry like the wind traveling
over the ocean waters
But after a while you wanted so badly
to reach for the stars, while I wanted to stay
leveled
You wanted to grow old and I wanted to
remain young
So I fled, like the sun fleeing from the
moon during sunset
Without any explanation I left you in the
dark and I could tell you were overwhelmed
You've drowned in the idea that we both
took part in, while I carried that same idea
on to the next

I lay on the bed,
staring at the vacant side
asking where are you?
I was screaming for your attention,
but you couldn't hear me
Distance didn't play a factor,
I guess you just decided to block my sound.
Rubbing my hand against the curtain
to feel the sun's breath.
The smooth texture of emptiness
embodies of what is inside.
I'm quickly sinking to the lowest level
of the sea you lay your feet in.
The darkness is overwhelming.
I've drown in the love for someone
who has taken flight in the love
for the next.
At the end of the road,
you chose a different route without
having a rear-view mirror.
These four squares that surround me
passes no judgment, for they know my
pain.
Wave on top of wave of disappointment
constantly delivers the anticipation of
capsizing.
I'm yearning to breathe and yet your voice
is the only source of respiration
and you've stopped speaking.

Can you see me?
Because looking at you is like
sitting in the front row
Amongst the crowd, amongst
all of the noise
But as soon as you walk into
the room, everything becomes
dead silent
And I become frozen, with my
eyes locked on your beauty
I tend to imagine us sparking
a conversation over coffee
or maybe over lunch
Nothing too crazy, because
being around you in any setting
would be crazy enough
But in reality I'm never able
to gather the words
For if I could, I would let you
know that you glow in place
of the sun on a cloudy day
That your smile becomes shelter
from the pouring rain
But instead I just sit back patiently
waiting, praying that the universe
will bless today with the opportunity
of learning your name

Beating on my heart to the rhythm of a drum
She's used to city lights, drinks, and having fun
Yearning for happiness and praying that it will come
She's searching, looking in places that are just wrong
Off her beauty and smile, I became drunk
All the while I knew it wouldn't last long
Laid in the shade, I was woken by the sun
Guess I was foolish to think that she's the one
Crying in the dark, but she smiles in the light
And off that liquor, yea she's gone for the night
Heartbreaks and scars, man I guess I lost the fight
Perception/ Deception has taken flight