8 years later you're engaged, and going to a concert with your sibling
but you run into someone not quite familiar and learn that the man who sexually assaulted you still knows your name

You're taking a photo at a club full of people supposed to be safe, but a man says you look beautiful, follows you as you move, and comes from nowhere again to say he loves the way you dance.

You're enjoying dinner that you cooked with your partner, and you get a long message from your ex that you've been barred from a community space. He says you never appreciated him enough.

You feel your own hips, own chest, own hair, and think, this is womanly.
You can trust someone is watching every time you feel safe.

I don't want you to do anything different from who you are, but I want you here.

I miss you.
I want you.

I'm so proud of you. I show you off to everyone. You are out doing an amazing thing in the world.

I miss you.
I want you.

And I miss you. I wish you were here to cuddle me. I wish you were here to be next to me.

I miss you.
I want you.

I want to kiss your belly. I want you to help me on my projects. I want you to hand me coffee in the morning.

I miss you.
I want you.

I love our life together, and you being apart from my life for a little while is part of our life.

I miss you.
I want you.

Nothing can replace you. No one can love me the way I do. You make it look so easy, and yet you're the only one who can do it.

I miss you.
I want you.

I want you to have your adventures, and I want you home. It's not fair. Why can't we cross continents in blinks so that I can sleep next to you?

I miss you.
I want you.

My love.

Sometimes when I'm tired,
I'll think that I don't want to exist
This life is suffering, striving,
And why should I continue
I hate the life I've made.

But there are other things
There are dreams
There is presence
There is support
There is beauty

When I'm in these things,
I don't think life is suffering.
I think issues can be managed
I don't think, really.
I just love.

I’ll get there someday, I just know it
I’ll get it right
I just have to get out there and
Keep trying
And refuse to compromise
With less love than what I give
I’ll get there but it’s scary
To get out there again
I have my memories
I have my comfort
I’m not ready
To let go
Yes
Go ahead,
Say that I’m a coward
But I just need more time
I need much much more practice
Saying that things can get better
Saying that the pains of leaving the status quo
Would be worth it for a happy love

My heart hurts and hurts and hurts
It hurts when I don’t distract it with media, or stuff it away to do work
It hurts with a low ache, a mourning
Hasn’t it always hurt?
Even when we were together, I hurt
What’s wrong with me?
Everything feels somehow wrong
An undercurrent of dread
Nausea
I want to throw up, but there’s no bile
It’s the thought of you I want to push away
Reject
Expel from my dreams and my memories
Why did you not love me?
Why did I love you?
Why did we do all this?
It’s disgusting
It’s wrong
The kind of thing that someone’d wrinkle their nose to
It’s just boy problems
Stupid silly
But all’s fair in love and war, I remember

You have taught me
that I can want birth and kids and marriage
You have taught me
that I can give myself pleasure
You have taught me
that mindfulness is based on curiousity, not belief
You have taught me
that I want security, as well as a partner and friend
You have taught me
to speak up for what it is my heart wants
You have taught me
some pieces in the holes of my past
You have taught me
to dominate
You have taught me
to receive
You have taught me
to massage
You have taught me
to climb

When you break my heart, it will be worth it, because you made me feel the whole of it again
You poor deprived boy, you are the tragic one to not feel the awe of love
While you see in me a book that has opened its pages for you
I see in you our happiness, our selves, our life
I feel like a medium
I feel like a clown
I feel like the worst *****
Who sold herself for her heart, in the rush of a holiday sale
I feel like I am stripped naked and returned to a truth clothed by logic and scorn
I trust you to care for me when you break me
You sweet beautiful thing