I want to tell you that I love you.

“I love you,” isn’t necessarily a romantic sentiment. “I love you,” can mean all types of things.

I want to tell you “I love you,” because it feels important to tell people that they are loved, and someone telling you directly that you are loved by them seems like it could give a lot of comfort.

Though if you panic instead, that doesn’t seem like it would bring comfort.

I suppose my urge to tell you “I love you” is an urge to wrap you in the burning thought of a strongest hug.

I want to convey that I think you are worthy of care, that I want you to feel loved, that you are beautiful, that I am so glad I have you in my life, that you push me and comfort me in ways I’ve never gotten to explore, that I would be there for you if you let me.

I want to give you a kiss on the forehead and see you smile, pleased and content.

I want to go back and take you and shake you and tell you
      “NO they are not right for us”
I want to make it so neither of us gets hurt,
   but instead we grow old and heal together,
with fewer scars and more time.

Do I act like a chameleon
With the color that you'll like on?
Can I let myself relax?
And just be me with all the lights on?

Do we talk about our parents?
Do I tell you who I'm dating?
Do you let me in your house?
Do you ask me how I'm doing?

Do you invite me out in public,
Or do you keep me in your bed?
Do we call? Just text? How often?
Will you let me hold your hand?

Do you tell me that you love me?
Can I trust you with each layer?
Do I feel confident directing you
To do what I desire?

I would give
All of me
Willingly
Excited for connection

You have my love so
How about
You let me in
Be open

Instead of saying 'Sorry'
All you give are more excuses
Me asking that I'm safe
Makes you feel uncomfortable
You've never broken my limits?
Oh I could list a few times
You need some time from me
Obviously not a punishment

I know what you are
I've known for a while
But I was hoping I could avoid this
If I just played along

Until... I couldn't
You'd crossed a line
And thought I would let it slide
Like every other time

But your grasp on me
Faded
My abuser
My love

After all the pain he's caused me
The thought still invades,
A beautiful nightmare

Does he love me?
Does he love me?
Does he love me?

A meaningless question
That'll only cause me pain
Neither of us will allow change

My therapist said that
I would still be awesome
Even if I change my dreams in for him

It's my choice, as well as his.

My boyfriend said that
He is trying to manipulate me
Because he wants to keep me around

It's my choice, as well as his.

My friend said that maybe
He keeps me as a FWB rather than one of his casual relationships
Because he'd want all of a relationship or none with me

It's my choice, as well as his.

It's my choice, as well as his.
It's my choice, as well as his.
It's my choice, as well as his.

And he is a passive aggressive
Boundary-ignoring
Egotistical child of a man.

Love, true love
Is a radical act
That I'm only now learning
Or relearning

Simply put, love is care, acceptance, trust
When the butterflies are gone
We are alone
And you still want to be there

I started to assume that wanting to date me
Meant wanting things from me
My work, my words, my body
Saying 'I love you' was a stage in a relationship
After you've been full of giddiness and longing
And before you move in together

I'm realizing that you care for me
You really really care for me
You want to listen to my troubles
You want me to go to the doctor
You want me to wear a helmet
You don't care if all we do in bed is cuddle

You love my good heart
You love my maturity
You love my views on life
You love my high and low energies
You love my stubbornness

You are committed to putting in the effort
To make a relationship continue
When I'm no longer giddy in love
You don't wish for me to still be
A manic pixie dream girl
You're happy to be with all versions of me

You are accepting
You are trusting
You are caring
You love me

Simple as that

When you hugged me tight and swung me in your arms
I knew for certain that I liked you

The conversation where you admitted you couldn't cuddle me as friends
Made me want to date you more than anything

The conversation where I told you not to touch me
Left me wishing to kiss you

I don't want to get away with just a hookup
I want to join that big sweet heart to mine and do everything together

I want to help each other on a bouldering move
Then make out on the mat

My friend tells me a workplace romance is ok if it's discreet
I'm hoping your girlfriend will give us her blessing

She's right that I have no red flags
I bite back my response that I'm a fantastic girlfriend

Oooooo forbidden fruit
Seems the sweetest