is this still even real?
i don't even know why i'm tangled in here

papaano kung talagang ayaw ko na? bibitaw ka ba?

kinaya ko namang wala ka.

walang bago
sa naimbak na lumot
sa butas na alulod
tiyak ang emosyon
mata'y napupusyaw
pipikit saglit
lalamunin ng tugtog
ang bagyo
tahimik sa gitna
nakamamatay sa paligid
at hindi mo iyon batid

walang bahid
ng luha
walang pantay
ang kulay o paa
sa pagkabalisa
magkapatong
ang binti sa ginaw

walang tunog
ang hudyat
hindi mulat
ang bantay
walang tabing
sa hangin
walang pader
sa habagat
o bundok sa baha

walang ulila
o buhos na tila
inipong ragasa
pagtitimpi

lumot
na naimbak
lumikha ng buhay
ulan

maybe what i miss most was the conversations. it was way too different from all who went and all those going on. maybe i was naked from the start, and you didn't have to strip me out. maybe that was my fondest idea of making love: hearing about your stories, what made you vulnerable, EVERYTHING.

but there are things that wouldn't match however we try. i want you here, but you have to fulfill your dreams and destiny. i wanted to wait but you were steadfast with staying.

i'd like to think that you have more to your mind than what you really show rn. i wish i could wander through those.

mabuti pa rin ang bawat umaga sapagkat naroro'n ka
sumusulyap kung manunuya ang kadiliman ng langit ngunit salamat sa liwanag

batid **** sa pag-ibig ko sa bayan ay palaging kasunod ka
ang mapagpalaya **** tinig sa gitna ng mga sigaw
taas kamaong kumakapit sa apoy ng rebolusyon

naririto pa rin ako lumiko man ang daan
mananatili sa pagkaway ng bukang liwayway
at kung sa panahong hindi ko na makapa ang taling nag-uugpong sa ating dalawa
lumingon ka lamang pabalik sa sining at pluma
tambisan mo ng liyab ang mga salitang magmamarka
saliwan mo ng musika ang dalit ng maralita
lilingon muli ako aking sinta,
at doon ay makikilala kita.

you were never kind to me
it's like i always have to follow you aimlessly
and i wish in another universe, i never had to:
one where you no longer exist
unlike here in this timeline where i ask for death and you give me life
when i ask for peace and you provide a bridge

you were never kind to me
and just like hope, i wish there was enough of you when i needed you most
please don't run away when i'm inches towards my dreams
i never wanted to chase you but you always move farther until my hands trembles and seeks more of you
i can't turn you back nor expect you to be what you weren't today
time

bedtime musings, part II.