"will you still remember me after fifteen years?"
i asked
"of course, you'll be my bride"

*b.a

You looked me
         in the eyes
before you
     said your
         good-byes,
                           and I could've
                   sworn I felt
           our hearts
stop beating.

Last night,
in a moment where I was lost somewhere between doubt and honesty, I found myself left asking only more questions;
       Left with more answers that
    I don't have "right now."

This moment revealed something to me, as well as made me think of many other people in my life.

We are all just kids with
commitment issues that are
trying to make everything
"okay."

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Hollowed eyes straining
Typing mindlessly into the white screen
Letters,
a line
a curve
a sound
Letters treated like saliva in our mouths
A never-ending supply that you can eternally spit out
Spit on faces
on egos
on personalities
& into souls
The blank looks on our faces
Displaying vulnerability with words
Love letters, suicide notes, all the same
Just a mix and match of only 26
Shuffled to create a medley of messages
Enough to capture a heart
to water the eyes
to transform a character
You read back and realize…
Your words were nothing
They were merely a reflection of our shallow generation
The youth that speaks only of narcissism and flaws
The 26 letters wasted for the title of “popular”
wasted for the action of “fitting in”
wasted for the heart of the “love of your life”
26 is a huge number
Love is a huge word
Master this analogy and you can bloom in the world
People fear to not be accepted
My fear is my inability to put together a combination of 26 letters
One that has the ability to encompass the infinite possibilities
I fear to absorb this world’s dislocation of priorities
15 years with the same 26 letters
My words; altered
My mind; modified
And my mouth finally says:
I
want
to
*inspire