Then there's me; pretending to be in love. Using big words that I don't really understand to convey the feelings I'll never actually get to feel.
Then there's me; feeling you up, pretending to like it in hopes of not losing the one person who stayed. Someone who makes me feel all of these emotions. It's not something that I want to do but it happens and I am not proud to say that on my day to day I sit there and stare into blank pages writing of emotions that don't really exist.
Then there's me. . .  holding on to something that's already gone.
Then there's me. . .

Moments like these pushed up against that wall your body so close to mine, it makes my body ache that I can't be there. At that moment. Forever.  
Who would have thought?
Me, with who that I am.  
would fall for the silent boy, creeping amongst the shadows of the wall you couldn't see, who is so deep you will drown looking at him. Who is so unalike than everything else.. Well, you get the point.
I wonder that too. How me? Why me? What did I do to get here? It all comes to the same hope.
Maybe I was meant to be here. Maybe we both were meant to be here?
In my head everything is fast, nothing ever stops, constant thoughts, feelings, observations, and questions burden and fog my mind.
He makes my head clear, to say the least, I'm not really the type to know what I want, I take hours to shop, eat and clean.
I know I want him.
I take medicine for focusing and struggling even with who I am. Doctors say it's my ADHD but I think I have a messed up brain. There's no way this is normal as they say, then again.. I overdramatize EVERYTHING
I don't know how he feels or how he thinks of me but I wish I could. I can feel if he is happy or sad or angry, I usually ask him what’s wrong or if he is okay.
He says yes. When around everyone else but sometimes... The lucky times he explains to me what's going on, but it doesn't last long, he shuts back down and buries his feelings and thoughts and anger
All the constant anger that I can see inside of him down into his body.
I wish I could just hug him and it would all be relieved. I want to be able to help him feel better.
It's all blurry like he is trying very hard to hide it? Like he wants to be everything else than that, I can feel struggle and desperation but I don't know what for. It all just makes me more curious and excited to get to know him more, every day I have a new question about him.
Though these seem like memories
I can't tell if it is reality or my brain, I can't tell if you are real or a part of my vivid imaginations.  I can say the same thing over and over in so many ways and still, I can't tell, help me understand, please?
though you might not ever read this, I hope you do, I hope you are able to help me understand...
So many more things were spinning through my head as you sled your fingers into the waistline of my pants. My heart rate quickened because I knew what was about to happen next.
I wanted it to happen so bad I craved you so much more at that moment and then I stopped, reality hit me, we were outside the counselor's office, we were in school!
I was so anxious that someone would see us and we would be in trouble.
I didn't want to make you get in trouble! I wish I could just stop time I wish..
I moved out from under you, tried changing the subject it was so hard to do that, I don't think you understand how much I wanted that I love being touched by you,
I feel wanted and whole when I am with you…I wish I were yours.