In my heart,
There is an echo,
A silent ache,
A yearning that whispers in the shadows of my soul.
Every breath I take and every step I make resonates with the absence of your presence
—A void that leaves me feeling incomplete.
I live as though I have missing limbs due to my actions-
Because part of me is missing now that you’re gone.

I am reaching out
—In the darkness—
For a touch that lingers only in memory.
I find myself lost in reverie,
Adrift in the fragments of memories that linger like wisps of smoke in the air.

The echo of your laughter dances through my mind.
It's a melody that tugs at the strings of my heart;
Like the delicate strumming of a harp.
Cupid himself could not recreate such a sound,
For it was born from the depths of our intertwined souls,
A symphonic resonance that echoed through the very fabric of our being.

And no voice could ever express the way you loved me,
For your love was a language spoken in the silent moments,
In the way your eyes held mine and understood the unspoken words that lingered between us.

My soul is uncomfortable with the way you are no longer with me,
accompanied by the void that stretches between us like an unbridgeable chasm.
The weight of your absence is a haunting emptiness that lingers in the spaces you used to fill.
The silence is a deafening reminder of the echoes of our love,
Now shattered into fragments of my regret and longing.

I carry the burden of knowing that it was my actions that led to our downfall,
My mistakes that tore us apart.

And now I trace the lines of my palms,
Seeking solace in the familiar touch that once intertwined with mine.

I know that nothing I do or say can mend the broken pieces of our love
-And nothing can resurrect the passion that once burned between us.

The echo of our lost connection reverberates through my being,
A lament for the love that was lost to the winds of time.

(And I know you never will,
But)
If you were to pose the question about my well-being,
I would say:
“I carry on.
I navigate the world with an arrhythmic heart,
-that somehow beats to the rhythm of your name-
Embracing the bittersweet melody of our once-shared experiences.
Each breath I take is tinged with the ghost of your scent,
A haunting presence that lingers in the spaces between us.
Now I bite the skin off my lips,
Just as you did-
And I simply can't help but believe that it's a silent tribute to the love that still resonates in the chambers of my soul,
A testament to a bond that time and distance cannot erase.”

Yet,
I cannot utter the words "I'm sorry".
It lingers on the edge of my tongue,
Like a fragile whisper carried away by the wind,
Remaining unspoken.

And even if I were to utter the words I wish to say to you,
They would dissolve into the void between us,
Unheard and unnoticed.

It's not that you refrain from listening,
You are unaware of what I long to express to you because the words lingering in the silence will never escape my lips.
I will forever hold them captive.


My apologies,
emotions,
And the secretive feelings I retain,
have been shouted at you in a silent uproar within my mind.
A war of regret and deep yearning rages within me,
Reverberating through the very depths of my soul like a chorus of thunderclaps,
Each echo amplifies the pain of what could have been.

and I’m not gonna say that I love you.
I only whisper those secrets to the wind,
Sharing the tender truth that resonates deeply within the vast corridors of my being.

For in the sanctuary of my hidden emotions,
The essence of my vulnerability for you remains veiled from the world.
My feelings are a sacred treasure, Reserved only for the depths of my existence.

I know that if I admit it to anyone,
I will be shunned.
Everyone here knows what I’ve done.
That is why I write only to myself and strangers on a browser website.
Because I know this will not be repeated.
Because I know that my secret is safer with a stranger.

And I'm sorry.

I tell myself I will stop after this bite.
The first bite.
The last bite.
I have said that sentence
so many times
It has lost its meaning.

Sweet turns to salt,
Salt turns to grease,
grease turns to a numb kind of warmth
That settles into my stomach
like a stone in a river.

My heart speeds up.
My jaw aches.
My hands shake,
but they don’t stop.
It’s not hunger.
It’s never hunger.
It’s the silence I’m trying to fill.
It’s the ache in my chest
That food seems to answer
for a moment—
until it doesn’t.

The wrappers pile up.
My teeth feel heavy.
My stomach swells,
tight and hot.
And that’s when it comes—
the thought,
sharp as glass:

Get it out. Now.

I move quickly—
bathroom door shut,
light too bright,
mirror watching me like a witness
I wish I could be blind.

Knees to cold tile.
Porcelain beneath my hands.
My breath uneven,
My throat is already aching
from the nights before.

I lean forward.
My body knows the drill.
The convulsion comes,
violent,
an unnatural surrender.

From my stomach
out of my mouth
My guilt goes—
Or so I tell myself.

The taste—acid, bitter,
familiar in a way that makes me sick
in more ways than one.
Eyes water.
Nose burns.
Skin flushed with the effort.

And then—
nothing.
My mind is blank,
The feeling has stopped.
I feel an emptiness-
An emptiness that should feel like relief
but only feels hollow,
like I’ve scooped myself out
and left the shell behind.

I wash my face.
I rinse my mouth.
I pretend it’s over.

My reflection is a stranger.
Hair clings to damp skin.
Mascara bleeds down my cheeks
like black rivers.
Lips swollen.
Eyes dull.

My shirt smells of laundry detergent and bile.
My stomach is empty,
And my chest feels heavy.
I’ve purged the food,
but the shame stays—
coiled around my ribs
like it owns me.

I tell myself never again.
I say it out loud,
to make it real.
But the words are paper-thin,
And I know how easily they burn.

I tell myself this is control,
But my reflection’s eyes
Do not believe me.
They are tired eyes,
Tired eyes that bulge out of my skull every time I heave-
eyes that know the lie so well
It tastes like metal in my mouth.

The mirror watches me purge
what my heart cannot carry—
fear of failure,
fear of fullness,
fear of existing
In a body I can’t forgive.

My ribs are counting the days,
My face counting the times.
I’ve measured my worth in pounds.
My throat is raw
from the war I’ve waged on myself.

But tomorrow,
The cycle will begin again.
-
This is my sickening eating disorder.

In the bustling pulse of this town, where aspirations weave together,  
I drift through the currents like a shadow shrouded in dusk.  
Faces swirl around me, yet none truly perceive,  
In this sprawling sea of souls, I find myself adrift, a mere fragment lost at sea.  
An echo of laughter dances on the breeze, a whisper of grace flickers by,  
But I don this veil of despair, a mask crafted from silent cries that you're just too busy to hear.  
Each glimmer of joy is but a fleeting mirage,  
I’m crushed beneath the weight of the monotonous grind,  
By the hollow, obligatory applause that stings more than it binds.  
With every echoing heartbeat, a question reverberates,  
Am I truly alive, or simply moving along?  
Gazing through the glassy panes I call eyes, the world spins wildly away,  
I’m a ghost wandering in daylight, both present and astray.  
To feel so entwined, yet impossibly far apart,  
A haunting melody of the heart, forever torn from the start.
In this silence, I scream, though the words never form,  
A tempest inside me, forever a raging storm.

I hear a voice deep within,  
One that whispers shadows, urging me to give in.  
Yet I know I'm still here,  
Fighting through the doubt, pushing back the fear—  
With that voice in the back of my head...

It began when I was just nine years old,  
A time of innocence, but a story untold.  
In moments that should have felt safe and bright,  
Something shifted inside; it didn’t feel right.  
But I was still a child, just learning to stand.

My heart raced with confusion,  
And in silence, I felt the intrusion.  
My thoughts screamed for help,  
Yearning for comfort, as I quietly wept.

I write this with compassion, sharing my truth,  
Challenging the weight of every harsh word,  
To the voice that once whispered discouragement,  
I owe a sincere apology, for the pain I’ve endured.

You slipped in at nine, as laughter took flight,  
A seed of uncertainty in a heart full of light.  
I fought through the silence, face down the ache,  
Yet your echoes lingered, a shadow I couldn’t shake.

My heart beat loudly, drowning out grace,  
As your taunts grew, it felt like a race—  
To find the soft whisper urging me to stay,  
To breathe through the storm and chart my own way.

I acknowledge now the struggles we faced,  
The battles within where courage was chased.  

But it’s time to say, with a heart that’s grown brave,  
That this journey is mine, so I’ll no longer cave.  
I never thought I’d find the strength to say,  
It’s time for you to go, and let me find my way.

As I follow the footsteps of a heavenly melody, guided by the gentle hand of God, I navigate through valleys of uncertainty and peaks of faith. I find solace in His presence, as His light illuminates my path with love and grace.
Like a river flowing towards the vast ocean, my heart resonates with the rhythm of the universe, surrendering to the wisdom of the Creator's plan.
In each moment of surrender, I discover the beauty of trust and the peace that comes from walking hand in hand with God.

And as I stand before him, I am unafraid to confess my wrongdoings, for I know His mercy is boundless and His forgiveness is infinite.
Like David, I make my plea with a contrite heart, seeking redemption and renewal in the presence of the Almighty.
With each confession, I release the burdens of my sins, allowing his grace to cleanse my spirit and restore my faith.
Through deep humility, I find strength in vulnerability; by acknowledging my transgressions, I open myself to the miraculous power of an undying love.

I stopped listening to music.
I figured I needed some time alone with the silence.
And to be honest, it has been speaking to me all along…
I just couldn’t hear it.