i think about that sunday
the buildup it was slow
i thought i knew myself
but now there is nothing that i know

on my carpet i fell into a heap
numb on the floor
the numbness turned to overwhelm
and i went flying out the door

i walked to the beach
i wonder
who saw me and did not know
death was calling me like thunder
its fruit i wished to sow

on the beach i walked crying
snow above the sand
the waves they ran and crashed and thrashed
grabbing for the land

i sat there for an hour or two
thought of the only solution
listened to the water and music
my mind it had pollution

advil -
you could take it at home
swallow it by the dozen
imagine the feeling of ending it all
end of thoughts buzzing

the advil thought left a minute later
after enjoying a stay in my mind
later when i tell her this part
her face turns concerned and lined

i sprinted and sprinted on the sand like a druggie
til my lungs cried for air
the weather in my head had gotten too muggy
no patience left to spare

the dark and black energy of too many problems
running exerted them all
it was an impulsive notion
body charged and full of gall

i frantically called
the one i knew dear her voice a steadying force
my thoughts were still swarming
eyes wet
voice hoarse

i ran back home
calmly walked back in
a joke about suicidal drowning was made
i could not stand my mother then
did she think this was just a game played?

the days that followed reeked
of the beach and snow and sand
of the tides that usually calmed me
the effects of it then were bland

i told her what i did
about the advil and the urge
and in that moment i dangled
the psych ward on the verge

now when my head hurts
and the advil i do use
i look at it as an old friend
i chose to not abuse

i did not get sent away
but in ways i can never return
to the time i was naive to my power
a time for which i yearn

i know i’ve made you cry
and that i’ve made you bleed
my experience so big
monsters i tend to feed
sorrys were so frequent
their meaning we both faded
emotions getting blurred
insecurities were aided
your attention like a drug
i used to fill the pit
i did not ask you permission,
anxious to take a hit
i thought i was curing the void
dumping texts and calls right in
comfortable in my obsessive ways,
too possessive of my grin.
“it is not the right time”
i could not comprehend
something good is good, no?
why would you want it to end?
the hurt i blamed on you
outsourced it for rejection
but in reality
of my pain it was a projection
the withdrawal it did hurt bad
the symptoms numbed my will
tried anger and blame to cope
just couldn't swallow the pill
myself in your shoes
i did not try to picture
too much in my head
following my own scripture
i was oblivious to the effects
i figured it was just ‘life’
the very past i looked at fondly
was what helped you hold the knife
i feel sorry for us both
brains we cannot cleanse
but i hope when you remember me and us
it’s through a kinder lens

Can you grade a mother’s cries
take points off for the look in her eyes

Can you fail the trees for its bark
give the warmth of the sun a mark

Can you score a bird on its tune
and evaluate the sky on the moon

Can you give a number to the kindness of a child
or rate their eyes as they smiled

Can you test on running through the grass
get your heart to pass

In front of tests and quizzes we have knelt
our souls screaming to be felt

when the sun goes down
behind the trees
and locks her shutters tight

the moon comes out
with silver keys
to open up the night

i never used to notice the months going by
the days would slide beneath me
seconds simply passed

but the pain started to become noticeable
it could not be measured
slowly and then quickly
it became an intangible mess
something so elusive i debated its existence
but it was certainly there

i could not measure it

and so now i count

i count the months since
the days until
the seconds that wait

and then the pain can be measured
and perhaps i can start to heal

that horrible empty feeling
where you search with a dead flashlight
stumbling in the dark
trying to fill a void
you do not realize exists
with hair dye and anxious texts
with checking and fantasizing
piling on more emptiness
until it consumes you

then one day
you smell the grass
and you open your eyes
and the darkness is overcome
with an obscene amount of sun
and birds that sing songs of security
and you no longer need to search
and rush
and check, check, check
instead you rest
and start to even
dare to live

to remember my body is mine
I wiggle my toes

to remember my brain is mine
I act on impulse

to remember my heart is mine
I choose to love

from time to time i peer out of
the steely cage bars
i run my fingers over
the rough and aged scars
allow myself to breathe
look around at my enclosure
try to effortlessly
keep my composure

everyone is trapped here
isn't it true?
everyone has a mess
they've stumbled into
but perhaps mine is bigger
not to be taken lightly
my room needing to be studied
daily and nightly

but that can't be true
for people have it worse!
they are truly caged
locked up for the worse
their damage so grave
never to be reversed

my room is quite nice
come to think of it
it is perfect and familiar
nothing to omit
for I built it myself
decorated it so
I’ve planted flowers here
and watched them grow

and so i sit
and sit
and sit

but my body is almost taken
the kind calm voice
on the verge of breaking
the shadows they scare
and it turns only to night
the panels so high
they block all that is bright

but the walls are comforting
with their height and all
i don't try to climb them
for what if I will fall
they are all i know
what's beyond them i fear
could it be better
than this place
I've come to know dear?

and if it is better
and i truly get out
leave this place
running pace
for a superior route
someone new will enter
move all my things
everything shifted
the thought of it stings
for things will be lost
when you move it around
better to keep it in place
all safe and sound

but in this space the lack of air
gets so severe
i do not wish to know
how long i’ve been here

Who would lock me up?
I wonder aloud
the answer looming
like a water soaked cloud

I try to pick the lock
bang on the doors
but it only gives my hands
blistering sores

In this moment of entrapment
I look around for help
but I am alone
unheard goes my yelp

as I throw my hands up
tired from defeat
the key lay on the floor
next to my very two feet

The bent legs
carelessly dangling out of the chair
as the ants come
whom she welcomes with open arms
Her voice would shake
and choke up
passionately when debating
the stubborn and beastly injustice
How her freckles
were spackled onto her nose
from hours spent
chasing the endless sun
Criss cross applesauce
spilt onto the lush grass
limbs bent at unattractive angles
a book filled with ambrosian letters
precariously teetering
the tightrope of her kneecap
Makeup and artificiality
was foreign to her,
alien intruders,
the only known home
provided by the trees and birds
sheltered by the blithely positioned cloud
And the Spirit,
the Spirit that yearns to join the ladybug
dive deep deep deep
into the clear chalice of water
accompanied by airy eagles
To run until her chest aches
capacious lungs gasping
Along with the Soul
the Soul that clings to those she loves
cries over the blissfulness of the dove
is sickened by the smell of new leather
and patiently listens to the water in the drain

all of these make the divine feminine.

I watch as you
peer in
time to time
run careful fingers
over your face
whilst the rest of the world
has shaky hands

I watch as you
dance freely
door sealed
as the dulcet spirit
of the unwatched
occupies your soul

I watch as you
cry
tears so vile
they uproot you
tear you down
crestfallen ruins on the carpet

I watch as you
laugh the laugh
of the effusive seven year old
frivolously swaying
in the unserious grass

I watch as you
talk into me
criticizing the psyche
feeding the fastidious voice
that fills the gaunt hollows
of your being

I watch as you
return to mother
embracing together
the worn and niche blanket
who is molded
to your infantile shape
effacing all that is dishonest

I watch as you
stare intently
into the esoteric
eyes of your own
overanalyzing until the dark of the pupil
and grey of the iris
turn murky and lost

and then I watch

as the seven year old dies
along with the dancing
and laughter
as anguish assumes its position
dead center
in front of me

how I wish I could reach out
place a soothing hand
over the grey eyes
and say “it is better not to see”
placate the pain
recall the sturdy roots
only formed by relentless wind
remind you of the balmily warm blanket
and caring mother

oh,
how I wish

but alas,
as you fall apart
I can only do what I have always done

I watch.

machines constricted by
the will of The Coder who
etches into it
with metallic
unfeeling
cruel
and sharp, pointy numbers
its fate
so blatantly in the foreignly
greedy and naive
hands
of the user
but
if all dies
numbers turning meaningless
closing out windows
forever
with no feasible revival
is it not the Machine’s own doing?
is it not the Machine
who makes onto himself
the shadows that ultimately
consume him?

or

is the blame
resting somewhere far,
and alien
the Machine
simply following orders
of The Coder?
unable to
outrun the foundation
for its very being
puppet on the
cold and plain
strings of algorithms
learning but
never outgrowing
the confines of the wires

The World world like
to plug our ears with
metallic tasting
          podcasts
                                   music
                  ads
                        you just NEED this
     Top Ten
                  trending
        media media media
lest we hear
the gentle pure song
of a kind bird
that awakens
the soul
to all that is ill.

The World would like
for all things
true and whole and beautiful
to be swept up
in a hurricane
which once hits
leaves you scrambling
with meaningless green

The World would like
If you sat obediently
staring through
the lens of
an endlessly broken world
only to be remedied
by the Superior Species
not the wise, elderly tree
divinely colored leaf
lonesome worm
nor the sacred drops of rain
worthy.

The World would like infinite requests
a machine that
tirelessly
fills
fills
fills
only to simultaneously deplete itself
however cruel and unusual
seems correct
because how could

The World

be wrong?

I wish to be like a bird
never a dog

I wish not to be like a dog
Chasing chasing
Furiously gulping water
Never pausing to thank

A virtue to obediently
Sit
Roll over
Hush
Bad boy
Good boy

I wish not to have my name
Engraved by a stranger
Never to be asked
What I would like
the dangling metal to read

I wish not to be naive nor submissive
Always looking
never observing

I wish not.

I wish,

I wish to be like a bird
Sitting sitting
Patiently drinking
And frequently thanking

What a virtue it is
To not disturb a bird
Lest they leave
Every second in their company
More precious than the last

I wish to be named
For what I present
Which colors I show
And to whom

I wish to be a kind creature
Who builds a nest
with what is found
Patiently yearning
For completion

I wish to be
Despite the shaking of trees
Or the worms
nestled in the dirt
Unable to be uncovered

I wish to be

In spite of the dogs
Who’s barking
although loud or long
Cannot compete
with a bird’s gentle song

I try try try.
too hard for the wrong things
too little for the right

Try to understand
to pick apart
Everything said and unsaid
Try to give meaning to the movement
Of a foot on the floor
A breath between utterances
Lips pursed
All a discreet code
try to make it break break break

Try try try
to ignore the thoughts pulsing
Every second something to comment
Nothing floats by
Without trying

Try try
look nice
Desirable

Try
To not think
Or talk too much or
Be too quiet or
Too caring or
too loud or
Selfish or
Outgoing or or or

Be normal.
Regular.
I try

I do not try try try
To care so much or
Love so much or
obsess so much or
Think, think, think so, so, much

I try try try and do not achieve

I do not try yet i achieve
Everything unwanted and unneeded

A natural at too much and not enough

i remember all the time
the memories that flood
they take hold of me
like a lamb with its cud
i chew them over and over
they start to get stale
i feel weak and unpresent
bitter and frail
the moment it beckons
for me to return
but the past it haunts me
begs me to yearn
i plant my feet
solid in kind ground
the tears of my child
splash with fierce sound
i am scared of forgetting
moving on with life
time it cuts deeply
a metallic dull knife
most of the seconds struggle
as they squeeze past
my hands try to catch them
but their speed is too fast
i shift to the now
i refuse to forget
it is i in control
i choose to reset
i take all i treasure
and stow it away
the key i guard
with the hope of today.

to cry silently
and for no reason at all

to muster up courage
only to fall

to sit in the pain
and let it get numb

to attempt The Void
with shots of ***

to talk and explain
but never be heard

to reopen the wound
anxious to be cured

to pick all the flowers
they are now all dead

to bask in the sun
lie in the dread

to learn to live
always just try

to stare off blankly
motivation gone dry

to finally give up
succumb to the dark

but without all this pressure
you come to find the spark