Seize the night
-|-
The satisfaction of loneliness?
Like a mellow grey afternoon and knowing no one can take it away from you.
Let it draw all over the lining of your blood
The thing about solitude is that you see it’s beauty with time and it gets sweeter and sweeter.
And let me have a taste of that morning dove honey
It's only offered to those who die every second a little and the world ends every night for them.
And that is why I have decided
to leave your house and home unhaunted
Yet the ghosts resound in your footsteps
you were rain with him but are a hurricane on your own
Broke the spell to find that
nothing changed in me
-|-
Skaidrum*
ARANDENOX

...
Don't you get it.
Don't you see...
This is the part where nothing is going to be okay.

This is part where flowers die before their expiration date,
this is the part where every verbal and physical beating dealt to me manifests itself into a fishing hook;

into a fishing hook that wants all the fish in the river.
and my eyes
dead grey ponds~
map the rivers on my cheeks
because the river is nothing without her children
and these young eyes

**** the river,
in a couple heartbeats...
that's it all takes, love

This is part where the doctors look you in the eyes and
make a joke about how
you must hate fishing,
to look that ****** up afterwards;
because they think it's you,
they think you're hurting yourself.

they don't know the symptoms for domestic violence,
and for my case
there is no cure

they laugh...
at me.

they don't know
who drugged all the blue from this river.

Your father does though.
so it's okay.

And the saddest part is knowing
there's nothing more they can do for you.

Because today I learned how to be wreckage
all over again
and I wept so many angry rivers
and my father went fishing again
and again...

and oh he wanted fish for dinner
and threw the fish against the walls
beat eyelids
with fists
beat me
with rusty fishing hooks
until the rivers mixed with my blood
it's nothing personal
it's the way
he says
he loved me

he---

caught so many trophies and he says

"I want to **** yourself so I can go fishing"
"I think anyone who calls you beautiful just lies to you
to make you feel better about yourself"
"you're not my daughter you're a filthy ******* animal,
you don't even deserve
a name,
kira,
my disappointing *******---"

"that boy that loves you?
doesn't know how to make you feel anything other than stupid."

"that boy that loves you?
will never know how to make you feel special."

He wanted the fish that held my name,
so he could hang it on a wall
and remind himself

that you can beat a girl into a ghost if you tried hard enough.

And so I wept,
like I was the definition of bitterness and butterflies
and I ******* wept as if
god asked me to make his floods this time around,
but there's no ark,
no need for that.

I took my father fishing in the vastest ocean
and he kept throwing in fishing hooks
and dragging out fish made of quicksilver,
fish out of water
that were bones of the happiness
fish dying
that was my heart with a fever
fish flailing
I think that's my lungs caving in, that's me---
fish that cannot find a breath...

and every breath we take we give back

it took my father's abuse to see that--
how ****** is that?
he ripped that wisdom tooth from the back
of my poetic mouth
so I could see it.

I don't try to keep my head above the water anymore.


I have wanted nothing more than to stop
for everything to ******* stop
please,
I want to press pause on these turbid waters
please
don't talk so loud
please
hold these currents
I can't hear you
I can't hear them
god help me I--
I can't--

I cry
and let my father harvest
all of the life from waters that are not his to begin with
because I am worthless...

I know,
I am worthless.

this is not poetry;
this is
the heartbreaking into words this is
the dissolve of a human being
of a girl
of a body
of blood and water
this is tragedy and the gravity of cold intentions

this is my self decay

this is the most painful way
to die,
scratch that, to survive
with my father.

my father knows that this is the
most painful way to ask for a river in the first place.

Because every time my father beats me
with his fishing pole;
makes a puppet out of the decay;

death is leading me
like a horse to water and he's
waiting,
watching with smiles
that promise a warm hug.

Death knows that all I want
is a hug and some kind words.

He is the only one,
willing to give it to me,
how ****** up is that?

tonight...
all at once
the river runs out,
and I write suicide notes to my friends
and to that boy,
that boy...tell him I'm sorry


"My father's demons came for me
they came for all of us."

...
new moon
"just let me sleep,"
moon eaten
my absence upsets all.
Look at me, really look at me,
stare up at the belly of a loved sky,
watch fingers dipping into bowls of blood holding hope,
feeling around for a sliver,
of sweet milk,
of relief,
of anything;

new moon whispers
on the dead bodies left behind,
god sighs---
he knows;

"I am not the same"

waxing crescent
map out my wreckage,
my skeleton of poetry;
in the spines of books loved by mankind,
bury me there in a pages of flowers---
in the altitude of words;
read me with a hunger you have never known before,
over and over;
whenever it seems fit~
like the light of the moon is a cigarette.

smoking,
he's always smoking now.
god takes another drag;
he describes to me:

"You could be my bible,
you book of blood"

I can't stand smoke...

"I have no business in being your  holy snakeskin."

first quarter
I've been searching for
solid ground, solid shadows,
a solid compromise;

I wanted a little more
than ordinary love from him so I

asked him where the static began,
for me it's below my bottom left rib
and found that it was also where the spiders started too.

Time, that quiet thing
obeys god, only
because it waits for no one

it loves
unzipping the law of alchemy,
cause ink flowered in my blood again;
I should thank time
it was this saving kind of grace;
always has been

god stroked my hair this time
and said quietly:

"You see,
the saddest thing is realizing
that there's nothing more they can do for you"

waxing gibbous
Oh, where's my love?
Is it in the fever I call happiness,
is it in the sword my mama raised me to be

Is it in the way
the moon tiptoes closer
when he says my name
in that beautiful way he does

or breaks my name
over his teeth like it's just
glass apples

God doesn't even look at me
he doesn't have to;

"Do you believe in angels?"

the wreckage answers him
"not lately"

full moon
And it begins again
I watch as he just looks away
and says it's fine
it hurts

god narrows his eyes but shrugs

"Pain had other plans for you."

I breathe out raggedly;

"I guess,
if there's no key
then I'll just swallow the whole door."
...

...
for the arms
that hold me tightly

My love,
won't you feed me to the tides of war?
"I would never. I love you."
The garden of eden shares her suspicion with me
"Why is that?"
'Never' is the name of a fox I know
"Do you still talk to this fox?"
To his skeletal remains written in the dark
"When?"
When grief comes
"And what about love, do you speak with her too?"
She visits me when she must
"When?"
When she feels like feeding people to the war

for the boy
that loves every face
the moon chooses to show

"What are you thinking about?"
Stories on the backs of ravens
"Ravens?"
Obsidian angels who set souls on fire for a living
"What do the ravens tell you?"
The ocean cleans his plate tonight
"His plate?"
He wastes her sacred fruit
"Whose?"
Why, the moon's of course
"Why would he do that?"
Liars cannot taste little slices of heaven
"So... what happened to her fruit?"
It wasn't fed to the war
"I don't quite understand."
Neither did love

for my phoenix,
that brings the sun to it's knees

"You are everything I've ever wanted."
Cardinal sins on the sky's wrist
"What?"
You desire that?
"No, I desire a natural disaster."
that kind of wish lies on the backbone of insanity
"I wouldn't be suprised, my love."
That you desire the unfathomable?
"Ah, but I am in love with a poet."

for the lover
who I buried in the window,
who waited patiently for my return

Love is right behind you
"Oh? What does she want?"
What love has always wanted
"And what do you want?"
An alpine sketch of myself through your eyes
"I hope love doesn't mind~"

"She is and always will be
the moon sketched in every masterpiece.
She is a mosaic along the alpine land,
like fog cupping the trees at first light, or
an emerald forest radiating with grace.
She is the roots of every seed
sown to emerge a queen among calm soils,
and the ghost of an god once lost.
She sews wolves into their sheets at night,
tangles stars in the fur of foxes,
breathes the dawn into the heart of bears, and
teaches the fish the art of harvesting time.
She is holy,
she is art made flesh.
She is the bloodstream of every crystal river,
the lungs of the misty mountains themselves,
the skin of every wildflower known to earth herself.
And by god,
do I love so much
that love herself tastes jealously
for the first time in her life.

...Beautiful is the soulmate of that sin
"You think so?"
Wholeheartedly
"Well, is Love still standing behind me?"
Indeed, she drinks your words as if it were the tides of medicine
"Flattering...however my love, I do have a question."
I house ten thousand answers
"So, who did love feed us to?"

this is for the boy
I was fed to
in the tides of war

Each other
...

...
"Quiet are your affections this hour,
as sun~fire courts moonlight"

I've sown gardens of stars
on your chest with my lips,
watched as peach-colored sunrises on
your shoulder blades dissolve before me,
and traced the ladder to heaven
along the sky of your spine
with my tongue.

You drank silver from my skin
like it was holy water, and you told me
that my body was like a godless church,
holy for no reason other than itself.

you told me I was beautiful,
so many times

This uncharted territory, porcelain to the touch;
we are blood in water in love, serenading the
angels that are intoxicated with our naivety;
Our bodies eclipsed and your hands find
the flecked gold that leans too heavy on one side,
and you placed all of the diamonds
back into my bones without
hesitation.

Whenever you kissed me
I knew love by all of its names
in all of it's tongues of flowers and coasts
and we drink up this disease knowing that
the only cure is each other.

However,
another heart's jealousy is a carcass in the ashtray,
and I have seen this hatred before;
I know that some ghosts prefer not to be woken;

Find fossils of heartbreaks
in the fountain of doves,
because if you searched her heart you'll find
empty hallways begging to be filled with
your sunlight.

As you are spellbound with
blue ponds of smoke and dynamite eyes
you reminded me once more,
I am a museum.

The darkness will feed upon his luna,
so the sun wishes to marry his lover,
~so look at me~

The moonlight is merely sunlight in a white dress
...