the first day I met you,
I wasn't breaking any rules.
I told my mom, "i'm going to meet a friend of a friend"
and she said, "sounds good, have fun."
we did have a lot of fun.
at first, you were a friend of a friend,
but then our connection shifted instantaneously
and we selfishly thought it would never end.
11 days passed,
and suddenly, I wanted to call you mine.
even though I didn't know you at all.
18 days later,
I left for a week.
you sent me a paragraph every day I was gone
to help me remember
that someone still cared.
throughout the next 51 days,
we became even more infatuated with each other.
from 8 PM to 9 PM every night,
we would text like our lives depended on it.
rules weren't being broken,
but lines were being crossed.
then, on August 9th, we played manhunt.
hiding behind a generator, you sat next to me.
then your hand was in mine.
then your arm was around my shoulder.
and then we were making silent promises,
3 words that mean the world to someone.
I got home 20 minutes later than my mom would have liked.
I didn't tell her anything that happened between us.
she was not very fond of you,
because I broke the rules for you.
22 days passed,
we were planning our next get-together.
I invited at least twenty-five people
just so I could see one.
August 31st was the last time we were happy together.
it was the last time I had all your love
it was the last time that our irises met
with nothing but sparks.
then, silence.
but not the kind that I hated.
it was the silence of waiting
for a time to see you again.
in my head, you still 'loved' me,
and in my head, you were still mine.
I wasn't allowed to message you in any form,
because I broke a lot of rules,
so instead, I waited for a while.
our friend said he'd try
to set something up for us.
on September 28th,
I asked you to come to a group hangout.
you were dry,
said we needed to talk.
I was worried about you,
about what was wrong,
but never once had the notion,
that 'we' were now gone.
October 3rd, 3 PM,
a funny day for someone to dump you.
to the world, it's a lovely holiday,
because Aaron asked Cady what day it was.
"It's October 3rd."
to me, it's the day that you left me.
it's the day of my first heartbreak.
it's the day you told me you never loved me
without even looking me in the eye.
I never said what I wanted to,
never got to tell you my feelings,
and it's been 150 days since October 3rd,
and I still catch myself missing you.
we were together for 135 days,
or wait, was it 102?
I guess it depends on how you look at things,
how things seem from your own point of view.
it was enough time to teach me some lessons,
like broken people make other people broken,
and when he loves you, he shows you,
and when something isn't meant to be,
it will end.
in the end, i'm glad I broke rules for you.
because you ending things made me a better person.
I've become stronger, smarter, and more sure of myself,
I just wish you could say the same.
May 12
May 12, 2026 at 2:31 PM UTC
sometimes I get a sinking feeling
that I'm not on anyone's mind.
that if I never reached out,
I would get none of their time.
in the church group, the school friends,
the dancers, I'm at the end.
in every space, i'm the bottom rung
stepped on by everyone.
winter jam, hope you had fun
I know I wasn't invited.
was it because you knew I was busy,
or because my presence, you don't like it?
"come get pizza," "let's go study!"
the requests go on for miles. --
"sorry, i'm busy," "I'll be out of town,"
-- but so do the declines.
maybe I just like the feeling
of knowing I'm not your friend.
of knowing that if it came down to it,
I would be left behind, again.
because I would rather be on everyone's
then the middle of one ladder.
even if it makes me cry,
even if it makes me sadder.
day by day, time after time,
the ladder keeps getting used.
not everyone gets to the top,
but they always stand on the bottom rung.
Mar 25
Mar 25, 2026 at 1:49 PM UTC
I sleep just to find you
In the quiet world behind my eyes,
Where fate forgets its cruelty
Where laughter remembers its compassion
And distance does not exist.
In my dreams, you look at me
Like I was never almost-
Like I was always meant
To stay.
There, you care.
Maybe not loudly,
Maybe not forever,
But you hold my hand just enough
To make my heart believe.
No one whispers
"You'll find someone better"
Because it was never about better-
It was about you.
You are the last piece of chocolate
Melting slowly in my hands-
Too precious to share,
Too sweet to rush,
Too rare to replace
And yet slipping away
Every morning.
So I close my eyes each night
Not for rest-
But for reunion
Because only in my dreams
Can I be truly free
And you are still mine
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:06 PM UTC
You shove me aside
like I’m static,
like trash on the curb,
You walk away slow,
look at me like I’m
something disturbed.
When I reach for your space,
for the air that you guard,
You shrink me to nothing,
make my breathing feel hard.
You make me feel small,
like I never had worth,
Like the blood and the sweat
and the tears on this earth
Were a dream I imagined,
a lie I rehearsed,
Something I chased,
but you buried it first.
And I look at your face,
see the dark underneath,
See the rot in the quiet,
the lies in your teeth.
See the damage you carry,
you never confess,
Still I memorized versions
of you at your best.
I learned all your storms,
every mood, every sign,
Learned when to stay quiet,
learned when to decline
My own needs,
my own voice,
my own right to exist,
Just to keep you from leaving,
just to keep what we had fixed.
No matter what you do,
no matter what you say,
I still hold you in pieces
I carry each day.
No matter who you choose,
who replaces my place,
Even the ones who knew you
in your years gone astray.
I would still make sure
you’re smiling,
I swear it’s true,
Even if smiling means
living without me and you.
Even if loving you
costs me my name,
Even if I’m the sacrifice
nobody claims.
I’d walk myself out,
watch your joy from afar,
Stand quiet in shadows
so you never see scars.
I’d learn how to vanish,
how to take up less space,
Just to keep you from feeling
an ounce of my pain.
No matter how hard
you shove me away,
No matter how long
your words choose to stay.
They stick to my bones,
they rattle,
they bruise,
They echo at night
when I’ve nothing to lose.
Still I show up gentle.
Still I don’t choose
To let you freeze
when the nights turn old.
I’d pull blankets to your chin
when your hands shake cold,
I’d be there in silence,
I’d be there unseen,
I’d stay even knowing
I never would win.
Because love taught me patience
that bordered on grief,
Taught me how to bleed quiet,
how to beg underneath
Every apology
I never received,
Every promise I swallowed
so you could breathe.
No matter the nights
when I cry till I ache,
If the call came at midnight
and said you were gone,
I would break.
I would still fall apart.
I would still lose my breath.
If your name turned to silence,
if you slipped into past tense,
I would wish I could rewind
to you hating my face,
To you walking away,
to abandonment’s taste.
I’d wish for the days
when you didn’t pretend,
When you never stayed long enough
to defend
The version of you
that I wanted to save,
The lie that I loved,
not the truth that you gave.
Because even when you hurt me,
even when you never cared,
That softness I needed
was never quite there.
Still I’d cry through the anger,
the fire,
the spite,
If the world kept on spinning
without you in sight.
The tears would still burn,
carve the truth in my skin,
Because I miss the future
I pictured us in.
The dream where you laughed,
where you stayed just for me,
Where you smiled
instead of teaching me grief.
That’s the ghost that I mourn,
and I hate it,
it’s true.
Because I wouldn’t cry
for the damage you do.
I would cry for the person
who made life feel light,
But that wasn’t you.
Not once.
Not that night.
Still, if one day a voice said
you’re not here anymore,
I’d still slam my door,
still collapse on the floor.
And I don’t know the reason,
I don’t know the why,
Why love outlives harm,
why the wound won’t run dry.
No matter how many tears
fall and stay,
No matter how much of me
wastes away,
I cling to the part
that was never real,
The softness I held
though it cut me to feel.
If you died,
I would still cry.
Feb 19
Feb 19, 2026 at 5:46 PM UTC
You say my name like you’re checking a mic,
not to sing, just to see if it works.
We sit across from each other.
Your coat stays on.
You show me a photo:
him, laughing, wearing a paper crown.
You zoom in.
I disappear into the reflection on your screen.
I stir my soup.
Steam fogs my glasses.
You talk about his favorite café,
how he likes bitter chocolate.
I nod, like someone keeping pace with a story
they’re not part of.
You call me friend.
It fits like a receipt –
time, location, total.
I fold it small,
tuck it where no one will find it.
At home, I reheat the day.
The pan remembers.
I water the plant you left behind.
One leaf turns toward a window
I haven’t learned to open without noise.
You speak of him like weather –
a forecast, a pressure,
a route you’ll take.
I file the details
like someone tracking a storm
they’ll never stand in.
If I love you,
I do it quietly:
setting reminders you didn’t ask for,
saving you the last slice,
leaving early
so I can arrive on time to your laughter.
Care, returned to me
stamped delivered, not read.
Hope obeys the rules.
It waits at crosswalks.
It doesn’t touch your hand.
It learns your schedule
and never asks the bus to stop
where there isn’t a sign.
I don’t say it.
I make room for it
the way you carry a coat indoors,
arms full of other things,
meaning to hang it later.
It warms no one.
It is still mine to hold.
If I’m a light,
I’m the kind you don’t notice,
the bulb over the sink,
steady,
making visible what you came for.
Or maybe I’m a window,
kept clean, yours to look through,
whether or not you see me.
This is not a question.
It’s a way of arranging the furniture
so you can move through the room.
Feb 19
Feb 19, 2026 at 5:42 PM UTC
I met you one September,
thought you were forever,
Thought a ring on my finger
would make all of it better.
Even though you've moved on,
I've written so many songs,
little poems that you'll never read.
I kept every promise,
I put on a show.
No matter what you do,
I will never let go.
God, I still had the nerve
to just wish you were there
Even though you don't care,
even though it's not fair.
I tried every trope,
held out every hope,
Even though it's a laugh,
even though it's a joke.
Do you even remember
that night in December
When I turned to the fire,
all his things into embers.
You were watching inside
while watching me cry,
"Why's she even upset
if the love was a lie?"
I would never assume,
always give you more room
to adapt,
and to change,
and to push me away,
If it was what you needed,
I would nod and start bleeding,
and crying
and screaming
and let you keep leaving.
No matter the cost,
and no matter the pain,
I'll always look back
and wish you had stayed.
I'll grieve the life that I lost,
all the stories I made,
And I'll miss the guy who told me,
"It'll all be okay."
Maybe he's still there,
maybe he still cares,
Maybe he's just waiting
for someone to be there
For him when he's feeling sad,
when he's done,
when he's mad
At the world,
at his friends,
when he wants it to end.
He buries himself,
never ask for help,
Then puts you on the stage.
He put you on the stage.
Have I got it all wrong?
What if instead of two it's just one in the same?
and I'm the one who should be taking all the blame?
Have I ruined what was left,
piled all my regret,
and my guilt,
and my shame,
and blamed all of this game
on you?
Now what do I do?
Do I tell you I'm sorry,
tell you it was always
an act,
it was fake,
I never felt that way,
even though I am dying,
and I haven't stopped crying
for you,
oh for you,
ugh, for you.
The reason may have changed,
but I am still the same.
I used to cry for love,
now it's *** it's not enough
To be only your friend,
why did I make it end
All of those years ago
when I still loved you so?
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 3:09 PM UTC
I don't understand
why you tell me all your problems
like you think that I could solve them.
I don't understand
why you never end up calling
but I always end up falling for you.
For you.
You never try to make the time,
but for me, it's too easy.
I'll never stop and think about it
because it's so easy
to talk to you
about anything.
You joke, you laugh, but you never make those plans.
Because that would mean we're more than friends.
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 12:55 PM UTC
no, i don't love you,
but i still check your playlists.
i saw you finally took my name
out of your favorite.
no, i don't love you,
but i still have our pictures,
And i still feel sick to my stomach
when i picture you with her.
no, i don't love you,
but i still have the rose,
And i fondly think of the way
you held it up to my nose.
no, i don't love you,
but i've been counting the days
since october third, the last time
that i saw your face.
no, i don't love you,
but i miss you so much.
when i hear the Paper Kites,
my eyes still well up.
no, i don't love you,
but i kept my birthday letter.
i burned everything else,
and gave away your sweater.
and no, i don't love you,
but i don't hate you at all.
i still check my phone
and wonder if you'll ever call.
so no, i don't love you,
but i will never forget you.
and i hope you love her more
than i ever let you.
let this be goodbye
to you, who i once knew,
maybe i miss you,
but no, i don't love you.
Feb 11
Feb 11, 2026 at 4:07 PM UTC
i spend my nights making up stories
of things that will never be.
i think of you most often
your hair,
your eyes,
your voice,
i pretend you sing me my favorite songs,
songs that say things you never will
except in my dreams.
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 12:37 PM UTC
wavy brown hair
you make people stare
you're better than the best version of myself
lila, are you willing to share?
always knows what to say
never a bad hair day
i'd never tell you to get up and go away
but lila, you take his breath away.
you make every moment look like stardust
you make every boy start falling in love
lila, don't you realize that in my eyes and in his mind
you're an angel, a beautiful angel
golden doe eyes
perfect tan lines
all my flaws are lit up by your light
oh dearest lila, just hurt me once this time.
i don't have any reason not to love you
you really don't know, lila, let me show you
all of the tears that were on my face, won't you just put me in a cage
so i can hate you, wish i could hate you
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 12:37 PM UTC