Your reasons and explanations for treating me poorly do not negate my feelings toward it.
Maturing is realizing an apology for how you made the other person feel is more important than being in the right.
You always were bad at swallowing pills.
Mar 18, 2025
Mar 18, 2025 at 3:14 PM UTC
You’d think after 15 years I’d feel more than just anger
Instead I wake up each day waiting for it all to hit me
Waiting for the realization that I lost my best friend
But I think I lost her years ago
In the end I know it was my decision
My boundary being set
My feelings ignored
My anger keeps me company
Fearful that when it dissipates all that will be left in its place is regret
So each day I remind myself of why it came to this
Why I can’t be friends with someone who cannot take accountability without deflection and victim playing
Why I can’t be friends with someone who fights mean
Why I can’t be friends with someone who puts no effort into friendships but expects people to stick around
Why I can’t be friends with someone only through a phone
Why I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t show up for me when it really counts
I think I knew this day would come for awhile
It doesn’t lessen the blow
Or erase the shared tattoo
But it does bring me some sort of peace
Feb 14, 2025
Feb 14, 2025 at 6:19 PM UTC
I have lived so many lives.
Pictured so many different futures for myself.
I have been the victim.
I have been the villain.
I have burned every past version of myself.
My current version is the only life I want to live.
The life where love comes naturally.
The life where I chose safety and comfort with no regrets.
The life where I try and try and try.
The problem is I can’t burn the old versions that live inside my head.
Almost every single night I dream.
Each dream has the same message.
One where I am with an old version of myself.
One where I do life differently.
One where I keep seeing him. Or him. Or him.
But I’m angry.
It’s not fair that my old versions can live freely in my dreams.
With no remorse.
With no consequences.
It’s as if my dreams visit as a daily reminder that I will never escape my past.
I have grown so accustomed to these dreams, I wake up every morning saying “hello old friend”.
Knowing this is my penance.
Aug 5, 2024
Aug 5, 2024 at 12:47 AM UTC
I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself
I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me
One that I would be happy with
But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering
And knowing
That things could be different
It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed
But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back
With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it
Why I must ignore the ivy
Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving
Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that
Nov 28, 2023
Nov 28, 2023 at 8:03 PM UTC
You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there
I can’t respond
I won’t respond
I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you
You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us
The difference is
I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.
Nov 28, 2023
Nov 28, 2023 at 6:41 PM UTC
I was not prepared
Seeing you for the first time in years felt like the air was punched right out of me
I’m not sure if I pretended well enough
I’m not sure I care
If this was years ago, I would’ve talked to you
I would’ve texted you after
Not caring where you were at in life
Where I’m at…
I’ve always been selfish with my feelings
I’m trying not to be
I kept my space
Until I heard my name being called to come join everyone
I couldn’t stop looking up at the stars
Or lack there of
I couldn’t stop telling myself that this is what I deserve
This feeling of regret
And instead of making it known
Trying to fix it
Or get what I could back
I just keep reminding myself that I need to leave us there
in the past
and continue moving forward
I will not disrupt lives for my own selfish feelings
I only wonder how long you’ll be visiting me in my dreams
Like my own form of torture.
Aug 7, 2023
Aug 7, 2023 at 10:52 AM UTC
I go through days where I feel as though I don’t deserve this love, this life.
I try my best to remember that the abuse I endured was real and damaging.
That what I went through would’ve affected anyone who stood in my shoes the same way.
I can accept the abuse
I have accepted it a long time ago.
I just can’t seem to accept how long my healing journey took me and the people I hurt along the way.
I had been unknowingly lying to myself and others thinking I was fine when I in fact was far from it.
The truth is, I was so used to feeling that way that I thought it was normal. Now 7 years later I can only describe it as feeling like a foggy version of myself.
I thought because I wasn’t in my room crying, I was fine. I figured because I still had a social life, I couldn’t be traumatized.
I ended up subconsciously accepting the love I thought I deserved and then got upset and blamed my partner when it turned out to not be the love I wanted in the end.
I turned away the love I knew that I wanted but was too scared to feel, only I turned away too late, after the damage was already inflicted.
I can forgive myself for enduring the abuse for far longer than I should’ve.
I can not forgive myself for hurting others through my journey of healing.
Apr 22, 2023
Apr 22, 2023 at 10:06 PM UTC
I have lived most of my adult life living in a constant state of anxiety.
After finally feeling as though I have conquered my relationship anxiety, I feel anxious about things I’ve never thought of before.
I used to compulsively think and worry about whether or not my partner is the one, if I will end up divorced or childless, if I should break up with my partner, if I should fix things with an old partner, etc.
Now, I am simply anxious about death.
I feel so content in my relationship for the first time but my brain still somehow finds a way to ruin me.
It’s laughing at me saying “Now you’ll get to worry about not making it to see your happiest days.”
It has made my OCD skyrocket. I am compulsively acting in ridiculous behaviors because my brain is telling me that if I don’t, my partner or I will die.
It feels as though I am being punished for making all of those mistakes between the years of my abuse and now.
It’s fine, I deserve it and more.
It’s fine, I can handle it and more.
Apr 22, 2023
Apr 22, 2023 at 9:46 PM UTC
Years ago you walked into my life
I can still picture what you were wearing
It popped up as a memory on Snapchat
Like a punch in the gut
The feeling I had was indescribable
To think that it has been that long
I think the feeling I was hit with was regret
Or maybe nostalgia? I’m not sure
I know it’s something I’ll live with forever
I will be married with kids and still get hit with that same feeling if your name is brought up
Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss the past
I don’t miss what we went through
What I put you through
But I think I will always miss… you
Your humor
Your kindness
Your selflessness
Our endless conversations
Our craving each others attention
I still check up on you every now and then
More often than I’d like to admit
And no it’s not how you think
I check to see if you’re okay
Which I guess is a hard thing to tell over social media but
I check to see if you’re having fun with friends
I check to see what funny tweets you retweet (we really did have the same sense of humor)
I check because I need to know that you’re happy
So that the guilt doesn’t eat away at me as much
So maybe I am still being selfish in that way
My only saving grace is knowing how great of a person you are
Knowing you will (or already have) found happiness again in someone else
I know now we have too much history to ever get back what we had
Or could’ve had
I don’t believe in soulmates
But I do believe we were put together for a reason
“right person wrong time”
to teach us a lesson
And **** did I learn that lesson.
Nov 23, 2022
Nov 23, 2022 at 11:19 PM UTC
People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize
Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new
The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore
For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close
Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend
There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break
I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again
To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it
To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things
But the truth is
I am too hard on myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable
The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same
I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again
I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close
I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying
Sep 4, 2022
Sep 4, 2022 at 5:32 PM UTC