found this note in my phone, from january. i remember, there was one night, i cried, - and cried - and cried until i couldnt. i felt all the pain. and then, klarity arrived. i told myself im making changes. its been five months now, and im still going strong standing in this new me - not past ways, here's the note, anyway.
"when your on a journey of true self worth -
self respect - self love. every decision counts.
from what i put into my body, to who i allow in my life.
i started to take a step back - evaluate -
observing my state after interactions.
did this leave me feeling , anxious - or content?
did they take from my energy - or add?
that was something small yet eye opening.
another thing i wasnt doing before, i wasnt acting out of logic. i operated off of impulse, and fear of abandonment. i never did what I wanted to do. I did what other people wanted me to do, major people pleasing, my whole life. kayla based her happiness off of pleasing others. She only had a spine when she was pushed to the edge of abandoning her own needs for others, she'd crack.
incomes the hurricane, no one knew was coming.
Her truth, cut deep. Cause she observed, and held everything in. for yearsss..literally..
Most never knew it was coming, that she was even almost at a breaking point.
she masked her true feelings, and needs, about everything.
people pleasing is detrimental.
not only to you, but the relationships you are involved in, friendships, romance, any. it's not fair to anyone.
It's not honest, towards yourself or others. Not only are you robbing yourself of your own wants, desires, joy even. you start to gain spite towards the other person. you never communicate how you feel, and one day when you just CANT do it anymore... the floodgates burst open.
Not only that, you never let any one know the real you. the person who says what they actually think, even if its not the most "nice" thing to hear. Honest oponions, honest perspectives, not just agreeing with everything like a passive little *****
editing yourself, in order to be liked - or not abandoned - and at that point, you've already abandoned yourself. and when people see how you don't even respect your own self, they wont either. they will walk all over you if you allow it. but most of all, they dont even really know you. people pleasing is W E A K .
and real friends, can respect boundaries.
real connections, don't see boundaries as a wall.
a boundary is a window to connection,
a boundary is me saying "this is how i can connect/ love you and feel safe"
in a way, im giving you the cheat code.
a person that wants to be in your life
hears you
and sees the boundary as a guideline/ window to connection.
not something to push on. it will be respected.
---
i feel like im being tested from the universe lately to see how serious i am about sustaining the new me.
Things from the past, almost same situations arising.
a test.
is she just talk or is she firmly aligned with what she speaks?
I remember, i wrote in my journal
"you will learn, when you make a different decision given the same circumstance. until then, it will repeat."
thats how lessons work. the universe is not out to get you.
the universe is trying to get you to wake up to your own ****
there will always be more lessons, right?
but im pretty tired of this same course. the pain is worse every time.
different ppl, same lesson, did you learn your lesson/ make a different decision? or did you stay the same and just say you did.
thats the real test.
the only people, who dont like when you find your self.
your self worth, self respect, are the ones who were benefiting off of your insecurities to have the most gain with low effort.
so,
if you dont like how i treat you now,
know it was earned.
and even at my coldest,
im still kind.
a part of me
still wants connection
wants to help
but why
why
would iwant that w someone
who treats me as if i don't matter.
thats not very loving to myself,
to allow these connections -
knowing its causing more damage
to a system still trying to repair from childhood.
stop traumatizing yourself, kayla
make better choices.
if you dont know better, you dont know.
if you know better,
you do better
sometimes it ***** waking up
knowing someone i loved
was feasting on my blood
and left me there to die
all night
with no remorse
but,
now i see clear.
im not seeing from clouded judgement,
from fantasy, or from potential.
now, i take my emotion out
and i look at logic.
what actually is,
and it is,
is SHIITTT
i will try not to judge myself,
for how silly i must have looked..
but all i know is ive always loved purely.
and just wanted connection.
i guess, this was not it.
now i can see.
-KLARITY
1.13.26
May 19
May 19, 2026 at 11:53 PM UTC
Do you feel it
Its the feeling
That you get
When there's nothing left
No distractions
No messages to check
No cigarettes
Real self is glaring back
Hi hey its me
Do you like what you see?
If not
change direction
Find what you need
The path can get rocky and dark
But every breath
Can be a fresh start
To begin again
Ego deleting
Humans - misleading,
Is there a way out of
Escaping
Waiting
Playing
I'm Breaking
The soul is aching
Knowing i cant keep replacing
Generations running from
the University of Feeling.
But, Dna remembers
The embers
from those cold Novembers
Flown away -
ash to dust
What's done is done
do everything with love,
And don't forget
the ones up above
As we are one.
Blessed be the
Music makers
The creators
The soul achers
Shedding their layers,
Bleed in
Bleed out
Returning the energy to origin
Breathe it in
Breathe it out
The Stagnant air
can get left there,
On the page that i wrote,
Because of the way that you spoke.
Its not the first bad note,
Here comes another ****
the ones that can let go of their pain
The ones that can cry out their rain
Transmuting,
Not always soothing
It stings
its saddening
Its beautifully shedding
From All that's been embedding
Ancestral healing
Will set you free
from the pain
Of your lineages chain.
I'm tired of walking in the rain.
Cycles will not repeat, again.
The wise one
Puts the stop here.
"If not you,
Then who?
If not now,
then When"
Waiting isnt wise,
Youll get left behind
A step essential to take,
To not have inherited infliction
stored in the skin
Remembered through the dna
Sometimes we just can't consciously trace.
But the unconscious
Stores all of our ancestors names
They live through us
We feel their pain
So it must
Take a chosen one
To finally pave
a new way.
Erase
The heartbreak
The envy
and the i wish it could bes.
Break the cycle
of holding
You must heal
all that's been shoved down
And replaced with a drug you found.
Choose you.
Choose now.
Write it
Yell it
Paint it
Feel it
And let it go.
Step into the clear air
You did it
You repaired
Breathe in the fresh air
Remember how you got here
---------- -- ---- -- ---- -- --- -- --
Jan 16
Jan 16, 2026 at 7:27 AM UTC
Accepted
Rejected
I am loved,
I am neglected
You are not defined by their perception.
So Do not abandon you
to get some acception
To be chosen.
Your strength,
Your darkness
All you overcame,
tied together with lace
Do not mistake.
My soul always breaks,
in the same way.
Questioning fate,
But I do not spread hate.
Each time rejected,
i take it as my confirmation,
Becomes my daily affirmation
Another dash
added to the line
and each time
it hits a little deeper inside.
Will i find love in this life?
Maybe next time
Your truth,
pushes them to go too deep.
We can' t help how others think,
Your only job
make sure you don't shrink.
Ctrl
Alt
Delete
Jan 16
Jan 16, 2026 at 7:19 AM UTC
All i see is bones
I see a melting stone
My heart is sown
Nobody owns
Gold i now hold
Purity of the soul
Face the unknown
Just know
Never truly alone.
A heavy weight
I locked the gate
And threw away the key
I was waiting.
Foolish to a degree.
There is no guarantee
No one is coming to save thee.
But if there is one
It has to be me.
Jan 14
Jan 14, 2026 at 1:54 PM UTC
The crashing
The waking
Days on end
Night life pretend
We don't sleep
Tried counting sheep
Doesn't seem to work
with amphetamines
You were placed a spell
The drug was your hell
Then we both fell
It was easy to tell..
We were not well.
I fell behind
One track frame mind
Peace of mind
Nowhere to find
we were so intertwined
Stayed up all night
Never did i pretend
To be something
i could have never been..
Now your leaving,
Teeth seething,
I was disbelieving
Anxiety increasing
So i freeze
start appeasing
I want to run
and never look back
Grab my backpack
And backtrack
Nervous system hijacked
Wish i never unpacked
There's a better life
to be had.
Chaos
Pours out of me
When you switch
To be the enemy.
love would never be
The things you say to me.
once you cut too deep
I freeze
I silently weep,
Keep poking?
Now you've unlocked my beast
I'm sweet,
But don't **** with that girl underneath.
A partner should never
purposely try
to hurt me.
Bruised and scared
From the words you used there
I had put her to sleep.
And she hasn't had a bite to eat.
Fangs out
Voice Loud
Eyes wide
Looking to seethe
Looking to feast
How is this the way
we turned to be?
I can put her
Back in hiding,
If you put away
your teeth.
I never want to be
An enemy of thee
love
should be a safe place
Not a place
That recreates
The days
i try to escape.
KLARITY
8:11 am 1/29/24
Jan 14
Jan 14, 2026 at 11:47 AM UTC
You are not a man.
You lost your appeal.
Too bad,
we could of had,
Something good,
But your lies,
Deceit,
Far breached
What i could teach.
Ill sit back in my seat.
Let you drive,
Let you be “the man”
While i hold my words
beneath my teeth
Around you
only left to shrink
You say you love
But all i see
is envy, apathy
Have fun with that
And the rest of the messes
That you'll create.
While brain cells deteriorate.
You lost your appeal.
Sorry,
I saw too deep.
I really do what see lies underneath,
Even under the mean,
You don't see him
he cares
And he's begging for you too, too,
But im done -
Trying to rescue you
From you.
Cause you dragged me down
Crushed my self esteem
Not even a ywear-
I couldn't look in the mirror
And recognize
me.
Cant you see?
But I’ve gotten out.
Ill catch the next train.
Glad I'm getting out of this
love trap game
The man you once were -
And the man you turned to be.
The man you were to me.
The new you,
Doesnt care
doesnt remember,
doesnt try..
So why would i?
Im out of dimes
Waiting For you to wake up
And realize
Staying with you
was a ******* waste of time
Shattered.
Broken.
Questioning
Everything.
This journey,
Was far too traumatizing.
I hope it will do some good in the world.
Maybe all the hurt,
Will raise my frequency,
Maybe its what i needed,
To really see,
That i have to set myself free.
Waiting, waiting,
So silly
Of me.
K.c 4/24/24
Jan 11
Jan 11, 2026 at 11:27 AM UTC
Remember the feeling
of emptiness
and shame
how you hope
nobody calls your name
becuase you
are so **** drained.
when you look back
at the night you had..
hardly a pause
clenched jaw
night gone wrong.
wish i would have stayed
but i was easily swayed
shoulda just kicked back
relaxed - felt glad
me - the cat
doodles on the scratchpad
as i look at yesterday
i was a nonstop talking train
vasonconstriction
hardly a listen
rigid in every limb
muscle strain
anxiety took over my brain,
But, choice was made.
Nothing less.
Take a breath.
Today?
Regret, emberassment, shame
whats the point in hating ourselves
for mistakes
what matters
is we strive to be a little better
than we were yesterday.
----
my life isnt a movie.
im not making a play.
this isn't a a game
i will paint
a beautiful landscape
i can maintain
no more tug of war
we are on the same same page
my heart - my brain
actions
put in place
happy new year
for may everything
change.
my insides
are not the same
im ready to become
to be in unison
to reach the sun
to feel important.
i will do things in fright
do it alone
work all night
ill love myself
with no souls in sight
do the things i dont want to do
but what i need to.
instant gratifications
should be delayed
its the actions
dedications
that will pay.
i am flipping a new page
Jan 10
Jan 10, 2026 at 9:22 PM UTC
You used to be my best friend,
now its like i never existed.
I used to be your best friend
now its like you never existed.
Thanks for the help dad
i try not to be mad
but knowing you choose
drugs, Burglary
living on the streets
Over a relationship with me.
makes me wonder
why I'm not good enough..
You don't even have to give that up.
Just wish you'd call and say what's up.
Do you sleep peacefully?
Is there any guilt or remorse
when you think of me?
do you even realize
what you did to me
when the personal creator
who birthed me
Tragically departed the earth early
only two weeks after turning 18.
You were nowhere to been seen
searching for your teen.
Her heart
she let open bleed
at that fateful scene.
But if you're wondering,
I'm alive and occupied,
attempting to mend
These shattered dreams of mine
I don't despise.
But I do wonder why
I was a sweet young girl
taking on a new lonely world.
You'd be proud to know,
i conquered it great
with no supports
and did what it takes
to adapt and outlast.
Forced to mature too fast
i forgive as a daughter,
but as a father
i can never understand
abandonment as your plan
thus forfeiting
being a man.
Grieving you,
but your not dead
Your lost in your head.
Eighteen -
supposed to be
when my life started..
But everything i loved,
departed.
Grieving a mother
Wondering
what happened to my father
Its not fair to me,
nor to the men i meet,
that i want them to fill the emptiness
that you could easily complete.
I run when I feel love.
I'm terrified to open up.
For they may take it and run
I will do me.
You do you.
Once i fully make peace with the truth
I can be the me
that was free
and full of life
before you disrupted my upbringing
------
Now I'm 28.
I've processed the pain
And I'm done playing
the waiting game.
I no longer wish for you to care.
To be there.
I accept what is here.
Ive had many nights
Where I wasn't alright
Flashbacks arrive
The little girl
wonders why.
But, I did something different this time
As I seen her in my brain
I allowed the pain.
Drop out of my mind
And into my body.
Experienced fully.
Hyperventilating,
body convulsing
Hardly breathing
I finally let my body feel
the pain I felt was real.
I never allowed it.
So I never healed.
The inner child,
She had to die
So I can mature
And start to raise
my standards high.
1/3/26
Jan 10
Jan 10, 2026 at 8:04 PM UTC
Frustration,
Temptation,
Insatiation
All these tasks,
Months off track
Easily distract
Its my attention deficit
Yet i completely
finish off
every bag..
I know
There is more life
to be had.
Motivation
Im missing.
Inspiration
Emanating,
Action Delaying
Navigating
and Seperating,
What is it I want?
What is it I need?
What is sacred to me?
I am deserving of peace.
I don't chase.
I recieve.
Feminine energy.
I seek
What isnt easily seen.
Sacred,
All of us,
Purpose,
You just forgot -
Get to remembering
You chose
This body
This life
Wasnt easy?
You didn't come to this time space
To have a cup of tea.
Lessons.
Must be learned
When you do,
You make a different choice.
Until then
They will repeat.
Better level up.
Time to rise up love
Time to create.
Start at eight.
I'm Always late
My signature trait.
Blame it on my birth date..
Pupils dilate
L - s -d
Flood my brain
Wisdom i attain
I might be a little insane
My words can stain
So I'm mindful of what I say.
Dec 27, 2025
Dec 27, 2025 at 3:17 AM UTC
the emotions you breathe.
They make you feel weak
to your knees.
like how is this me?
I feel defeat.
I let my pain bleed,
my ink drip,
magnificently,
quietly.
She goes through her day
Forgets the pain,
places it in a box
and tucks it away.
It only works for half the day.
She can't forget
the scars
the people she adored
that tore
mistreated her core.
peace of mind
light years away,
But the strength
she now endures,
keeps her safe.
Her soul
is her resting place,
for she knows
she is the one
to make her fate.
She is the one
who will get her
through her days.
There's no escape from what keeps you awake
There's no escape from what keeps you awake
There's no escape from what keeps you awake
k.c (not sure when i wrote this.)
Dec 26, 2025
Dec 26, 2025 at 11:33 PM UTC