Well, she almost looks like me
but her eyes are for everyone to see.
They don’t burrow deep in shame,
on her tongue, she freely smiles our name.

You stole my own reflection
from me.
I can’t even reach to her to see.
Her boldly touching the hands of others,
instead of shivering in the shadow of lovers.

My true reflection is covered in gold
from cuts and burns I’ve been too scared to hold.
Her smile wavers the longer you stare.
But isn’t it beautiful that her smile is there?

Have you ever felt water so hot it feels cold? That’s what it feels like to be me.

The momentary pinch of ice on the tip of your thumb. As soon as it’s felt it’s gone. But you know it’s not real, the water is hot. You turned the tap on yourself. It danced on your finger, almost teasing your skin, its feet gingerly tapped along.

Maybe we come so far in healing that we end up in the same place as before. I may walk in circles but I refuse to be lost.

Don’t lure me into the darkness
If you’re going to cut the ropes in the corridors.
I tried to walk to your heart beat but I couldn’t keep up.

Until the beat stopped.

Dreams you want to sell me.
Drop out of your mannequin mouth like ash, crushed on the floor.
I’d show you fear in a handful of dust
but you could never fear empty words.

Do I spin on this wheel of fortune forever? Offering slices of my heart like a bake sale. Or should I look at you with glass eyes? The world is full of dormant men who love the emptiness of women.  A vacant place behind her eyes that says I’m no longer here. I had to pack and retreat long ago because I’m too scared. I’m scared of you. I’m scared your hands are too rough to reach into my chest. Your hands are fickle. No fingerprints. I’d say I miss you but a man without fingerprints can’t leave a mark.

Image of me that’s not me with my name at the top. She passes it over. This belongs to you, take it and put it in your pocket, make sure it’s handy and clear to see, this beautiful ticket scribed in gold, comfort laid on thick like jam.

When an uncomfortable gaze notices the bruise on your neck or the darkness in your eyes.

Or the cadaver between your legs.

I stand on naked promises that follow
vague feelings,
Half considered, half poured over.

Irritation that rubs raw, chaffing against who you are.
Your fingers are pinned down.
Imprinting on the mattress. It screams out to others: this is where it happened.
Where sour dreams poured down your neck,
caressing the skin,
it said “I love you, please don’t ever leave, look how close we are”,
half dreaming in my closet nightmare.

I pick open my skin years later and find the stubble of your hands all over me.
Pricking up through skin, I pluck them out. Pull up the root and rid myself forever.

I feel your breath grunt with each one.

I became a refugee in your haven.
Believing my feet
When they ran to you.
A thick velvet coat,
Too beautiful to see through
Wrapped itself across my neck

And in your man made dark
The light inside you died.
(So you stole mine)
To see your own fingertips underneath.
You draped it over me,
But it didn’t belong to me

You’d like to think the light was ours.
We both breathed it in,
Two mouths,
Singing in the light,
Smiling to each other,
Always together,
Screaming, together.

But could you hear it?
Did you want to?
I lived in your darkness.
Set up a home.
Pots, pans, bed sheets
Fumbling around, making a mess

Until I forgot that day
When you draped it over my shoulders

And instead recalled
Buying it
Checking the price tag,
Sinking down to you
Down to me.

And each breath.
Trapped in my head.

I feel it shaking head to toe,
why am I too young to know
the sharp knife in my throat?

Pull me in and throw it out,  
was I supposed to know
hands can’t forget?
So they wander far from here.

Guilty hands, guilty for not giving you what you wanted.
Who felt that?
Was it my fault that my thighs closed together?
That your hands made me sick,
crying,
for my body.