You said your hands shake
But I was throwing up acid at 7 am
Because my nerves can't sustain

You are a bad person
Who consistently proves why
Over and over again

And you tell me I know that's not true
But you don't feel this pain

I'm afraid
I'm afraid

When I love again
I don't want to see your face

And when I hold again
I don't want to wish for your embrace

And I'm enraged
I'm enraged
My pen rips at the paper
And my words fight the page

That I'm starting over without you
And I don't know how to
I don't know how to

I asked you what you wanted
and you said you didn't know
I asked a friend what letting go felt like
and she told me freedom

But I would've been a bird caged to the sky,
I would've spent my entire life,
fighting wars for you.

If it meant I could have
one more taste
of freedom.

My freedom.

The one I felt
when I was with
you.

$50 and your hand in mine
Singing Jason Aldean when we hit the state line
Back country roads running through little towns
Your voice half a whisper when you'd tell me to slow down

And I can remember it all
Like it was yesterday
But I can't tell you if I want it to fade

We stopped at Shawnee Springs just to sip apple cider
Standing in the rain but that didn't seem to matter
I can remember still the sweet taste on your lips
And my mouth still begs for one more kiss

And I can remember it all
Like it was yesterday
But I can't tell you if I want it to fade

I always try.
I always care.
I'm always there and not there at the appropriate times.
I'm always giving my entirety even when there's barely any of me left to give.

I'm always picking up the pieces.
I'm always forgiving.
I'm always hopeful.
I'm always the "baby, let's not fight".
I'm always the one who rubs your shoulders and makes love to you at night.

I'm your wake you up on the right side of the bed.
I'm your eggs with bacon how you like.
I'm your turkey sandwich cut in half with a knife.
I'm your looking up recipes to find the perfect one to surprise you with dinner.
I'm your laundry.
I'm your folded clothes.
I'm your hot towels out of the dryer in the cold.
I'm your air conditioning and pillow fluffed during the summertime.

I'm the out of the shower putting make-up so you will think I'm pretty.
I'm the shopping for outfits with you in mind.
I'm the hold all of my tears inside when you don't even notice.
I'm the laugh it off until next time by saying something witty.

I'm the one who suffers silently so we will be okay.
I'm the one who stays at home for you and waits.
I'm the one who listens when you tell me I can't go.
I'm the one who sits and misses you when you're having drinks without me.
I'm the one on the porch with the fishing pole when you forget about me.

I'm the one who slams the door because you didn't ask me what was wrong.
I'm the play it over and over in hopes you hear the lyrics in the song.
I'm the one who goes crazy when you start to not care.
I'm the blow it off to keep you around even when it isn't fair.

I'm the praying to God asking what it is that I've done wrong.
I'm the one crying in secret so I don't show you that you hurt me.
I'm the holding on for dear life so that you don't desert me.
I'm the panic attacks and cigarettes and 10 beers at the bar.
I'm the calling off work cause my head is too ****** from wondering where you are.

I'm the flipping out on you when I've been pushed to my limit.
I'm the packing up your **** again cause I just can't live with it.
I'm the one laying in bed, after you've left, screaming out your name.
I'm the one who can't sleep cause the pain is too deep and my dreams all look the same.
I'm the "please just text me" every minute carrying my phone.
I'm the ******* cause you're not him but I don't want to be alone.

I'm the 2 months later holding on trying to be your friend.
I'm the I'll use you for now to ease my mind but never call you again.
I'm the shaking when I see your name appearing on my cell.
I'm the stages of grief and wanting acceptance so that I can wish you well.

I'm the wanting to be over it but it just don't seem to be.
I'm that thing stuck to your leg until you finally shake rid of me.

I'm all of these things that I take with me when I try to love again.
I'm that "good woman you don't lose" 'cause there are always "other men".
I'm the one you think is messed up when really I'm just scarred.
I'm the one who does it anyway even when love shouldn't be so hard.

My body is a map:

My hair spread across like the oceans, curling in waves before they touch the shore
My face North America
My ******* Appalachian
That you don't explore anymore

I want you to touch Georgia
Caress Alabama
Kissing your way through Tennessee
I want your tongue wrung in Florida
Unleashing a hurricane
Like the first time I felt when you touched me.

If reality is better than our dreams;
then why is it so easy for you to fall asleep
and for me to stay awake?

She spit my life at me in words
But I still felt empty
Trying to get to a heart
That has become content with it's sadness
My eyes must have agreed
With her saying, "I can tell you're lonely”
But then put them at ease
When she whispered, *“and that's alright”

Goodnight, my love
Goodnight, baby
I hope your dreams remember me

*even though you don't

These roaring pains felt in my stomach ******* me to my knees
But I stand up, go back to work, cause I'm the cleaning lady

Drowning tears of failure and never to your needs
To uncles who understand and claim they will make a stand,
"Under your weight a lovely girl lives and I'm going to tell him 'bout it!"
Oh, uncle Bill, can't you see? 
I've learned whiskey words make a fool out of me

I shoot the purple on the green
From racking, not knowing, just focusing 
A phone call to tell me the snow is 3 deep
Spitting curse words around me like the white flakes I see
But you're just furious because I spend my money

Daddy, you don't love me like you do them
Confirmations from strangers and old family friends
Your standards too high, I never stood a chance
*And here comes that pain again

of all the times the wind blew
i never heard the bells chime
or paid attention that maybe
i was never paying attention

and the birds chirp louder
than they have before
at sundown
or maybe not
i don't know

but i heard them after the rain
and i can still hear them now
their echo
singing out your name

this berryblossom white
and johnny cash
are the only things
helping me see clearly
this foggy morning

for i can see the sun peering through
but i do not feel it (like the mist)
the colors are not the same
anymore
nor do i think
they ever will be

so i sit
with understanding
of why a man in black
must sing
of yellow
instead

i can't seem to fill
the loneliness
aching in my bones

it burns my insides
like a man with a torch
trying to find his way home

the sadness
hides in corridors
waiting to settle in

sneaking
like a man off to war
returning hopeless

gives no signal
no sign
no beating of the drum

no knock at the door
it creeps in
knowing you can be won

I dont want my temporary happiness hanging from you, tugging at your lips
Felt beneath my hips, as I lie still under your kiss

Cause my happiness is like a vine
That no good ****, clinging on to bricks, splint with twine
Pretty in it's own way but poison when you touch

Pieces of it living in the crevices and cracks
Determined to come back, always to come back, to try just one more time.

I'm afraid my happiness will entangle you,
And dare I fall, will strangle you
Leaving you helpless as I drop

See, this feeling it is temporary,
Sadness blooms inside of me
No matter how many chemicals or pills I pop
Like an axe to the vine, gone with one chop, one feathered tick of the clock

Never meant to grow again, but nonetheless,
will never stop.