she's calling me with hushed serenades,
sweet lullaby breath
instructed by celestial sheet music

she is the night in motion as she kisses me,
and I am careful to keep my distance
lest she knocks me off my feet

I thought I had swallowed
every last piece of you
when I chewed you up
and chewed you out

but here I am a year later,
pulling pieces of you out of my teeth

I felt whole
without
reaching for
your hand
and
my ears buzzed
until they
rang with silence
I stepped into
a storm --
tame rain,
wild lightning,
clean water, pure quiet.

he seeped into my life slowly
and it was like being 8 again and
finding myself
suddenly carted 12 hours away
to a new life, one
that feels like brand new shoes

but suddenly it's broken in
& everything was familiar
& he was familiar
before I could even drag
my heels in resistance

he spilled words and ideas,
I licked them up like the coffee
that I carry, escaping onto its lid
and he is borderless

I am walking under a blue sky
unpunctuated by clouds,
it is endless &
the dopamine rush makes everything brighter

I look up and I am lost at sea
the sky is so blue
I am lost in his smile and his quirks
& God, he's so awkward

but I feel safe
like
I never want to leave
&
maybe I'll tell him everything
&

bitter coffee spills again on its lid

I sip it slowly

the sky is so blue,
so deep,
he is endless,
how am I not drowning

April is all graveyards and hauntings
I see carnations instead of tulips,
I see your ghost everywhere

she & I talk in hushed tones on the phone
sentences breaking under the
weight of the words they hold

I wonder if you know that all I want
is to love one person as much as she loves you
and here I am seeing your spirit in their bones
and all I know how to do is to
throw rope to anyone who will catch it
because even when I am sinking,
I'm shoving someone else to the surface

I am trying to save
the bits and pieces of you
as if I pull this one away from darkness,
I am saving you,
as if I push that one toward the light,
I am saving myself

I wonder what you'd say
if you knew I'd all but
abandoned my religion
what you'd say
if I told you all of the
memories taste bittersweet
I wonder what you'd say if I told you
that nothing you built up was
strong enough to
soften the blow
and nothing you'd say now matters
because you tore it all down

what a pair we are
walking down the street
you cloaked in cynicism,
and I draped in doubt

I listen to cars roar past on the busy road around the corner
and here I am with sighs waiting on my lips
and here I am without you