Lying there lifeless

pretending...

Pretending to be asleep
the gray ceiling drips onto my face
with each passing second the
room gets smaller and
hotter

Smothered by restlessness
suffocated by longing
I sigh a heavy sigh
expelling another moment from my muddled life
debating on whether I should get up or not:

     The effort of pulling off the iron covers
     the indecision, the fear
     afraid of being caught


Sneaking out to do naughty things?
                  I think not.
Something I shouldn't be doing?
                     Hardly.


Taking slow strides across the room
my eyes adjust
just enough
to bring forth indistinguishable shapes
I rely only on the silent energy
that the darkness emits
my ears pivot to pick up the blackness' ululating drone
I tune into its mystic frequency
abandoning all mixed signals that came about today

The slits of oceanic blue light
slather the window's opposing wall
an illuminescence too scarce to peg the door's frame

I twist the cold brass **** until I hear the click of metal

Tip - toe - ing . . .
through the never-ending runway-hallway that seems to  

S T    R       E          C            H        o  n   f    o     r        M  I       L           E                  S 

strafing crucified
agaist the wall
still hitting every
creak I had been aiming to miss

Descending down
the steps
I reach the
Flat 
one more step down and my excitement rises

I glide across wooden floors
stirring up invisible dust...
I am the lazy particles that float in the air
minus the fanned out beams of sunlight
shining through cracked blinds
to scream out my presence
and fuel my pestiness

Finally I am close
close enough to breathe steam on the storm door
remove the stick

push up the lock

pull. slide. open.

Ahhhh
The cold air knocks the wind into me

My first barefoot step is into a pool of icewater
turning to close the door I enter hypothermia
my body crystalizes, cracks, shatters, and re-crystalizes again
sitting down on the step I become inorganic

I tilt my empty heavy head up to the heavanly sky,
howling my thoughts to our silver satellite

I try to find comfort from afar - comfort my bed alone could not supply
my insides evaporate from my
frozen skin and
disperse into the air
my particles grow incandescent wings
the kind that effortlessly ***** and flutters

My molecules are ****** up towards the sky
they leave me behind to join the stars
I welcome their departure and wave goodbye
I hope when they return they bring back good tidings

Now that my insides are gone, my particles adrift,
My frozen-solid body is hollow
and so, a weight is lifted
(even if only temporarily,
the numbness is temporary)

Still gazing at the infinite clusters of stars like
woven celestial patchwork
littered across infinite black plains
I feel content admiring the lone stars
adventurous and brave as they come

    Feeling like those lone stars,
    trying to find my place
    I snuck out to my backyard

All I needed was some space

SUNDAY
written: July 13, 09 sunday (of course)

simplicity just isnt me
intricate intamacy
leaves me breatheless
helpless

don't leave me here naked
stripped of all i am
don't leave me here now to die in my shame
and give into my concioius screaming my name
this is where you take away the pain
you inflict on me
help me breathe
please

and i broke
though i swore i wouldn't
and i only blame myself
and they tell me i shouldn't
i should hate you
for only wanting this from me
but i couldn't stand too make you unhappy

your miserable
and i pity your insanity
and i'm terrible
for trying to make you happy
at least that's what they think

i'm torn
and i don't want to do this anymore
but i can't stand to let you go cuz it'd hurt you,hurt me more then you know

you help me breathe
the only thing keeping me sane while pushing me over the edge of insanity
the pain oh the pain

let me pull up my pants
i can't unless you tell me your satisfied with me
finally happy
ive given up fighting agaist your hands
someday they'll understand why i can't live without them

your invisible touch
suduction that inspires my ****** lust
for you
this is all i have to do
to prove to you i'm true  

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you asked me too

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you need me too

it's the least i can do
for someone so upset
for someone who needs me
i can't hold regret
for you, i'll never forget
though remembering makes me sick
a lifetime of this uncurable illness
a sacrafice i took to try to save you from your disease
and i'd willing die naked to save you from your suffering

Today
I took a shower.

The monsoon drummed
agaist my body,
waking all my organs up
and shaking them into place.

The steam
opened
up my pores,
pouring out impurities.
All that negativity
like strands of black hair
getting caught in the drain grate,
refusing to be irrelevant
but now not knots
in my back.

All of a sudden,
my lungs
remembered how deeply they could breathe.

The geyser hummed a solid
Aum
through my spinal cord,
charging up my brain
with little sparks.

My distressed skin,
scarred by stress-induced scratches,
stings and tingles
as if to say,
'Please, no more'
and I sigh in complacency.

There is something so ***** in being drenched.
Maybe you forget you
and who you have become
and what the world has shown you.
Maybe your molecules feel
connected to the earth again.
Newborns are 75 percent water after all.

Today,
I took a shower
that reminded me to savour
the life in me
and in doing so,
save myself
from myself.

love is an oddity
most commonly perceived as bliss.
the heart of happiness,
the pure ecstasy of a kiss.

it can give you purpose,
a reason to wake up each day.

it can make you heavy,
wither your heart and stain it gray.

love can hollow you out,
pollute your thoughts with those most grim.
turn your mind agaist you,
especially when you’re not him.