My eyes hurt this morning,
until I saw your smile.

When was the last time I came here?
I can't remember the last time I needed this place.
And then all these images, memories, flooded through me.
I remembered everything that had happened in my past
that might have changed who I became.
Every sad, cynical moment,
whether it be a tragedy on TV
or a revelation from my own experience.
And all the incredible beauty I had seen in my short life.
Every time I'd come here last,
I'd come with a sad and lonely, afraid and anxious, numb and brooding mind.

Here I was in the woods, the way they had been for so long,
once-delicate leaves compacted into gray, crunching masses
on the trodden dirt
and rusted, crumpled cans
marking the slow death of the place I'd always treasured.
I sat down hard, saturating my worn black jeans
with the tired old mud of this sad place,
and sifted through the dead leaves
for some of that beauty that was my faintest memory.
There was none.
It was almost as if my mind had created that memory on its own...
And of course that's what had happened.
I'd always been good at imagining and wishing.
How sad to think that now imagining is all I'll be able to do.

I don't understand
How a calendar page
Can affect the way
I perceive these days

Senior year's halfway done
And finally some sun
Has broken through the haze

I thought that any
Amount of time
Would be too long
If I couldn't move on

It seems that nothing's wrong
The pain is gone
With little noise

I've lived the worst
I've built my raft
I'm gonna float away
With four words to say

Before the end of May
After a lot more gray
"Let the time flow"

Maybe I can go
Through the motions
Of normal life
Waiting for paradise

What do I hope to find
I could maybe be blind
And fade away

But I'm made more real
When I stop to feel
Don't pretend to live life
When I need to heal
Work through these feelings
The way I see things
Just let the time go
And everything it brings
I'm on my own schedule
Even though I'm in school
If you want me to work
Know I'm a broken tool

It might take months
I might not be the same
In fact I feel the change
Adding emotions to my range

Now where's the pain
I know it's not in vain
If it returns.

Nothing cuts to the pit of my stomach
More than the betrayal of the people I trust
Of everyone who's hurt me
Yours is the worst

You neglected to tell me what was going on in your lives
The most important things
You left me out and expected me not to care
Do you even know how much you mean to me?

For my months of pain, you were there
The only ones
And I let you know how amazing that was
As often as I got the chance

Now that it's over
I feel like I've lost more than friends
I've lost the people who'd come to be family
And the wounds reopen every night I spend
Without you

land. sky. warmth. rain. wind. freshness. air. sparkle. water. earth.
sacred. people. shining. pine. sandy. shore. mist. dark. woods. meadow.
humming. insect. holy. memory. experience. sap. trees. blood. veins.
flowers. sisters. bear. deer. great. eagle. brothers. rocky. crests.
ponies. man. family. streams. rivers. grandfather. ghostly. reflection.
clear. lakes. events. life. murmur. voice. grandmothers. thirst.
children. kindness. precious. spirit. breath. sigh. taste. sweetened.
mother. sons. web. strand. God. destiny. mystery. buffalo. wild.
horses. secret. corners. forest. heavy. scent. view. ripe. hills.
thicket. eagle. swift. pony. hunt. wilderness. living. shadow. cloud.
prairie. shores. forests. heartbeat. newborn. love. care. mind.
preserve. dream. dog. wings. cool. passion. blue. lips. human. birds.
feeling. faces. far. creek.

I see you everyday
But, oh, the fullness of your soul
After all the hardships
That have made you more whole...

You're a marvel to me,
In all your sweet sincerity.
Each moment to you seems
Like another opportunity.

Through something more profound
Than simple conversation,
We've lived our own lives
And developed a connection.

I look to you for strength
Just a touch or a smile
And in our parallel worlds
Everything's right for a while.

You believe in what you do
And so do I.
I didn't realize until now
How much you really try.

I admire and respect you
Just seeing the way you exist
Fills me up with joy
Just to know you.

Simple faces
Complex thoughts
We fulfill our basic needs
And then
Our precious
Fragile
Individuality
Starts to shine

I'm starting to feel like you have me in a living prison, and my own life energy makes the bars stronger. My plans never included you, but somehow you held on along the way, dragging me back into that alley you led me down that day. You act helpless, but you must not be aware that a strong creature finds false weakness repulsive.
I'm not responsible to you. I don't owe you anything. (If anyone owes anything, it's you.) I don't have to make you happy. (It's impossible anyway.) You've been using me. Well now that I have no use for you, good-bye!
I'm climbing the clouds and you're afraid of all that nothingness. I'm touching the sun, and it's a little warm up there for you. And somehow I don't think running through the flowery meadows is really your style. That's okay, I want to do it alone.

Unravel the layers
I have wrapped
Around me
Thick wool between
The world and me

Cover my eyes
Calm me down
Clear my vision
So I can see
The teal, the fuchsia, the neon green

All the electricity
Of a world
Where we can wear our
Comfortable black and gray
And can't escape color

The beauty of a world
Where nothing is solid
And our security
Comes from
Constant change

(Not those dissatisfying)

Sugar water memories
Sweet without substance
Our turn to flavor
The drink of the day

Fighting with hoses and sticks
Sprinting after cars
Chasing down a train
Fueling our fires

Cramming into a phone booth
Rocking out to Queen
Picking up 2am trash
Cooking awful things

And after every night
We're drunk on coffee
And late night window shopping
With lots more to keep

(Than sugarwater drinks)

I bought a guitar
and a longboard
all in one evening

Hoping to make these
my new prized possessions

I'll get rid of all the distractions
and focus on my interests
I'm afraid are momentary
Like everything else

But this is different.
My board and I are alone
We'll become best friends
And I'll stop back at the skate shop
Just to tell them how our friendship is
And hope I'll see the nice dude
Who advised me to get the same board he did
Starting out
Or the girls buying kneepads
Who looked so *******
And like girls I'd want to know

And my guitar and I are
Already in love
Because of the way I've always felt about music
I'll come back and buy a travel case
And a five-year warranty
And return in ten days for a group lesson
And try not to have a crush on the boy with the
Flying fingers who sold me the sweet-voiced
Guitar
And listen for the one who played Come As You Are
Trying out his new guitar
And I thought it was the perfect song for me

Out of school
No longer with an arbitrary community
I'll create the ones I should have joined
When I wasn't shuffling papers and
Being successful

Thanks for welcoming me
My board's brand-name is Welcome
I'm looking for a home
And I want to finally be me

the richness of your
voice in my ears
the brightness of your
light in my eyes
every soft caress of your
skin on mine

the taste of
you on my tongue
salty like the sea,
tangy like the rain
each dose of you only lasts me
the day

Where to focus my attention?
If focused on anyone
It
Hurts.

That moment when you realize
you've gotten rid of everyone
who makes you unhappy
except yourself...
...Crap. What happens now?
Hahaha.

Why do I  think your flaws don't matter?
        You're just a diamond in the rough.
                 You're. So. Worth. It.

Do you see mine?
      Mine are all I see.
              Mine. Are. All. I. See.

Why am I so ******* myself?
       I think you think I'm worth it too.
                I. Don't. Know. For. Sure.

Why are you so ******* yourself?
       I know you hide your insecurities.
             I've. Caught. Lucky. Glimpses.

How about I ask a different question?
          We're both still living.
                  Clearly. We're. Not. So. Bad.

If we don't change the way we think,
       What's going to happen?
               We'll. Still. Be. Living.

I care enough, I don't want you to live that way.

Where did you come from?
When I needed someone most
Suddenly you
Appeared.

I never expected to feel
Such excitement and joy
For our simple pleasures
And shared adventures.

I've never met someone else
Who finds solace in nature the way you do.
And it's not just talk.

You are not what they say.

So close
In such a short span of time.
I wondered
What I was getting myself into.

Hasn't been very long
But the few memories
Pulse behind and between us
Our dreamworld brings me back to life.

She doesn't know what kind of dread is worse
Than the fear of impending loneliness.
All good times must come to an end
And that's okay...but what if she's afraid
That there'll never be another good time
With the ones who make it worthwhile.

Everyone's fading away
Turning their backs on each other
It hurts worse this way, you guys!
That's what she wants to shout
When everyone thinks the best way
Is to pretend the good times never happened.

She starts to question everything.
Was she always alone?
Will she never find that place again?
That shining golden sunshine place
When everyone was a friend
And she even had a best friend.

She is herself, vibrant, ever-changing,
Flooded with color and light.
She thrills in making people happy
And she knows she can be happy.
Once the tears clear her eyes,
She can remember.

She is still alone.
But she doesn't feel it
The way she did when she was lonely.
Tomorrow...she'll have to see.
Once again, she'll probably be lonely.
But in a week...maybe there'll be good times again.

Sitting here in the sand
I know no matter how many times I've been here before
This is where I want to be when my life ends
The way I sit facing the water
I can't turn away
Cause I'm watching the ocean
I'm waiting for when it decides to swallow me.
And I'm inclined to let it
'Cause I know it's going to bring peace to me.
The sand, my favorite kind of messy
The water, just the right kind of salty
Makes my hair all tangled and my skin all scratchy
But I've never known a better kind of love.
I know I belong with you in the summer.
My thoughts are with you when it's cold.
I love my bittersweet insignificance and innocence
When I know I'm only here 'cause of you.

how strange it
is to be
so comfortable
with silence
and a phone that
doesn't buzz

painting my nails
purple and
listening to grimes
as I learn
that I missed it -
that I love
to be alone

soft and gentle life
coming from your eyes
i think that i can stay upright

you pick me up, pick me up, pick me up
like a paper someone dropped
and read me, read me, read me

i am a recipe
use me to make something you like

transient and feeling free
this whole world belongs to me

it's my bridge, the one i cross
it's my path, the one i walk
i don't own a single thing
except a host of memories

Simply free
When I play the keys
The piano always responds to me

You won't say a word
As I guess what you won't show,
I wonder if you know I know

It's not music
If you won't sing those lines
You're not making me feel alright

I want to run away

I'm just sitting at the piano
While I try not to cry
I need to hear a few more lies

It was definitely easier
Before I saw some of your ways
Life was music everyday

Now I really have to fight
As I try again to listen
The silence starts to drift in

I have to keep running away

I live for those moments when
I'm just sitting there
And then understanding
Warps the world before my eyes
Just for a second.
And my head becomes a slightly better place
To be.

Long nights
Moments that never end
Always wanting to be one of the guys
To be comfortable in my own skin

I'm learning how to be friends
Amidst the fear of attachment
To people I don't want to
Traumatically lose again

But with all the doors open
Flinging more open everyday
I welcome more in
And let the feelings out

I'm so afraid to live
But I'm not afraid to die
I think that's what lets me
Be so reckless. Brave?

I'll still keep on moving
So I don't lose
Sometimes I might decide
To let others win

Win my trust, respect
Maybe my loyalty
And other things, but
Probably not my love.

I'll pick the one who makes me laugh
Who cooks me food
Who anticipates my feelings
And does his best to make it better

The one who has a life
Who doesn't need me
But really wants me
And knows I want him

The one who is
A total punk
Like me, but not like me
At the same time

Intelligence that spills over
Into every aspect of his life
Confidence, joy
And love he needs to give away

Most importantly,
The one who sees want he wants,
Reaches out,
And grabs it

(Like me)

sometimes my window frames
my desire
to escape to the mountains
or to hide from the people outside

i get stuck there gazing out
at the world
a reluctant participant
who just wants to blend in or get away

but today i looked and
i just saw
a familiar place where i
incredulously
yet undeniably
belong

i feel the gentle
release of the
rain,
finally gliding
down my
window
after a weekend of
heavy clouds
and violent
wind,
i feel the potential
of the clean
pages
of my notebook as
i write down my
latest little
ideas,
i feel the power
and the depth of
my solemn
self
in the mirror, blinking
back at me from the
shadows.

all these things
make my
throat clench,
my eyes burn,
like nothing has since
i twisted the
****
of the faucet
that controls my
feelings, and
made them flow
slower, so
long ago now.
it's you,
you who makes them
gush
out again
like water from
the sky, like
days going by
and calendar pages
fluttering, or like
remembering
all the other
selves I've seen staring
back at me, asking
what are you doing to
yourself
now?

it's you who cuts
through layers of
scab and scars and
makes the melancholy
stir and sting
anew again.
each beautiful
thing, each one
tinged with
sadness,
makes me grateful,
not for the pain,
but for those feelings,
felt
again, when you
went out with me and
brought me back to
nature,
made me excited
to learn again, and
taught me that
'Good' is who
and what i
am.

I've met so many people
In my life already.
Most I have forgotten,
Lost even their names.

Others are silhouettes,
With the moving outlines
Of their bodies revealing
Most of what I need to know.

A few huddle under the
Lamplight with me,
Crowding each other out,
The closer ones there by chance.

I know these people well
But they're the kind that
Will scatter to the next light
As their attention or agenda wavers.

One or two are less ephemeral,
Yet seeing one side of each,
I know the others must be
Always in shadow.

Ultimately the light
Shines only on me
But I wonder if it's
Simply by choice.

I am the same way
With others, leading
Them along and yet not
Letting them in.

I am comfortable here
For these aren't the only
People with whom
I've shared light.

There're others whose lights
Burn in different colors
And spray sparks, drawing
My attention again.

I cling to my lamppost
Lean out into the dark
For a view of those gliding
Rapidly into the distance.

I still sigh at the beautiful lights
Months after I left your halo
Of movement and words and thoughts
And the beauty of your fierce intelligence.

dancing my fingers down your spine
but i won’t let you do that to mine
i need to keep my distance
at least distant in my mind
sorry but that’s still my style

i’ll be there for you
but only i’m there for me

I'm about to lose you.
To something that is neither of our faults.
While I know you still care for me,
We'll probably never see each other again.
We're each following our dreams,
and that means being apart.

I try to be normal.
But in this state,
I'm either hyper-aware
of everyone's shallow
material
preoccupations
that keep them from being sick with love
and grief
like me.

Or
it's just this horrible,
horrible,
darkness inside
that is so strong
I tear up all the time
or if I don't tear up
I'm about to throw up.

Why is it so hard?
Later I'll appreciate the gifts you gave me
but it seems that as soon as they were here, they'll be gone.
And I'll forget them.
Hopefully not along with you.

I haven't seen you in so long,
But you were the one
Who introduced my body and mind
To that rich pleasure
That is being with
A beautiful soul.

You ripped the feelings up
And in someone who didn't know
That's how one could feel
You made my sense of self collapse
As I orbited around you.

First you'd gently stroke my hair
Then you kissed my forehead
The first time I hung out with you
You drew me into your mysterious world
Of words that hummed with knowledge
Of movements that burned with lust
Of confidence that held me speechless
And eyes that promised more.

You'd press those kisses into me
You'd grip me with no intent to let go
You pulled me into your sad world
Of feelings that you'd never release
Of pain you'd internalized
Of desperation in all you'd do
And a smile that rose above it.

Your words were soon abandoned
For a more hands-on approach.
You'd let me know what you wanted to say with
The things that you'd do.

I loved you, I know that now.
You were so strange and tempting.
There was no 'us'
Only the desire to be around you.
I needed no explanation,
No reason to see you
Other than you.

What stops me from running off into the woods and losing myself?
Certainly not the tedium of day to day life
Or the difficulty of finding someone to relate to
Or the constant impatience I feel to get going!
And make the world better for people like me...

Those people who make decisions based on who they will help
Not on how much fun they will have
And who have a hope and a dream and a goal...
So distant it brings them to religion
Because religion relies on a god as distant as their dreams

And on to religion and the role it plays
In the decisions I make and those goals of mine
I can't say that I'm religious
But I like to believe that the world
Doesn't just consist of what science sees...

So that's why my kind of science
The kind that my hopes bend me towards
Conservation, Ecology, Animal Science...
They require a certain kind of person
Who is scientific and yet thinks outside the box
And grasps the connection between instinct and fact...

That brings me back to the classroom
Where I sit for so long every day
My instincts tell me I need to learn more
To prepare for something great in my future
While fact keeps me planted in place...

I reject all the lives around me
Don't want things, I want nature!
And yet it all seems abstract
When I look at it straight:
Few people know what I'm feeling

At least I can say I know what I want
It's just a matter of getting it
And along the way making sure
There's no chance of my forgetting it
Two years left of high school...

Two years till I get to go away
And seek out the things that I dream of
Two years is far ahead
I think I'll read a book today
And for now right here is where I'll stay.

I spin in circles
I sketch them on a page
I think
And run and walk
In circles.

The only kind of shape
I really want to be
Is a spiral.

A spiral is like a circle
But every time it goes around
It picks up new experiences
And gets larger or smaller
Depending on whether
You start on the inside or out.

Walking along the ridge between two mountains
The air is cool and crisp, and everything that leaps up to get me
Falls to one side or the other
I grow lither, stronger, sleeker, with every step
My voice strengthens and develops new tones, new depth
As I try to sing over the wind
Only I can hear, but I’m safe and comfortable
As I get better and better
I love it here
Amongst the clouds,
Whose vaporous and vague substance
Can sustain me on a diet of airy water
Always available to carry me along
Through the nebulous but constant
Sky.

And the night that falls
Makes me think of all the lights to grab for
The short time I have
The multitude of choices
The renewal
After the pacing movements
And swirling thoughts
Of day
When I look ahead
Knowing I’ll see everything if I keep walking
But the uniform trees and rocks
Obscure the view, keep it secret
I’ll keep stepping
My strides and voice enough to entertain me forever
As they would were I in the wild
I think the wild is here…..
Within and all around me

Blood spills from my leaking heart
Machine malfunctions shooting sparks
No filter now on my automated brain
To prevent me from saying too
much.

All the bright flames
In my memory
No longer satisfy.

I burn and ache
With the feeling
That those probably weren't real.

I doubt I can find someone
Whole enough to match me.

I want intellect
I want grace
I want beauty
I want sensitivity
But most of all
I want a love that's real.

The absence of you is more painful
Than anyone's absence
Because in truth
You don't exist yet.

I gasp and sob
And wish you'd just appear
And help me focus on something
Other than my loneliness.

Many nights,
I glide in my car
along the narrow path carved
into the silent and solid
woods.

I play my human music
as I watch the inhuman
go by.

I realize what I've really loved
all these years
not who
never who

and I roll down the window and
stick my arm into the rushing air
my soft young hands
with their veins
are now a little older

I smile and I
laugh into the night

blissfully
alone

When speaking
Feels as free as
Dancing
Running
Screaming
I know that I've been quiet
For far too long.

The moon curves
As do my lips
In this satisfaction
You can’t give or take away

It’s the richness of the music in my ears
The brightness of the light in my eyes
Nothing to do with you
And everything to do with me

Come find me
Or send for me
Then grab me up
And take me
Help me to
Let myself be free

Now let's tear our shoes off
Squeeze out of all our constraints
Drive into the country
Then leave our car to rust
This path we took
Shall soon be overgrown


Hold my hands
And hold my heart
Steady in this world.
You are holding on
To figments of your imagination
But I am real.


I think of you
When I'm alone.
You're beautiful
And I will be strong.
I'll hold you in my mind
But I won't hold you in my arms.

I’m looking for a new reason to live
So while I do it, I’ll cling to the tried and true
Even as I move beyond them…

I’m remembering how to be alone
And do everything I’ve thought about
All the random **** that somehow satisfies…

Then I return to the ones who’ve been there inexplicably
Who know that’s all there is
To figure it out and then get confused again….

I am buoyant.
I know that below
The safety of the surface
Everything is out of my control.

Yet up on my raft
I have a view of the horizon
That makes me feel certain
There is no end to my sailing.

If something should sink me,
I should not mind.
I had the whole sea.
I just ran out of time.

I have my fears
But no matter who you are
or what our futures will be
You've taught me things
nothing can change.

One moment of weakness
Can't change the strength
We give each other
In the way we rise above it all.

It's hard to find someone smarter than me
But I know you're wiser
When you tell me what to do,
And it seems so simple.

Man, I thought I was chill till I met you.
But you're cool enough to put out fires with your gaze.

Yet I am anxious because of you
Until I think I understand you
What you want from me
Is someone you can respect...

Nothing is for sure even our memories
And your words which still strike through me
With such piercing precision
I have no fears