my lips
get so chapped

i can't help it

but if you would
kiss them

i would try
so hard
to keep them
nice and
tender
just for you

wool socks
fuzzy pj pants
too-big sweater
scarf
messy bun
notebook
music

this is my favorite sort of night

i'm glad i have you to worry about and take care of
i'm glad to have me to worry about and take care of you

i'm glad i have you to make me swoon
i'm glad you have me to do cute things for

i'm glad i have you to take clothes from
i'm glad you have me to share your coziness with

i'm glad i have you to hold hands with
i'm glad you have me to hold you close

i'm glad i have you to make me feel special
i'm glad you have me to remind you that you are special

i'm glad i have you to care about
i'm glad you have me to care for you

i'm glad i love you
i'm glad you love me

sometimes
things just happen
out of the blue.

you never see them coming,
never know how to react.

the stress level is rising,
rising,
rising.
i can feel it in my chest.

i need to do this
i'm in the middle of doing that
and it really shouldn't wait.


then it turns out that this
is three times more complicated than i thought it was,
that needed to be done hours ago,
and it is due tomorrow morning.

       calm down honey,
                  *you'll be okay.

you can tell by their eyes.
the way they look at you.

even if it is just a passing glance from
a stranger on the street

you can tell.

i want to take you under my wing,
keep you safe

i want to un-teach all of the horrible things
you were taught growing up

i want to give you the love you needed
when you were a little boy
without a home to keep you safe
or parents to hold you close

i want to do all these things for you
but i know it's too late

i know that you're too far gone

it feels like the knives
are calling to me
across the room

like my skin is begging me
to slice it open

*spill a little blood,

please

sometimes the little things
like
waiting for the toast to pop
    your text to send
    the song to start
    to tie your shoes
    your hair to dry

all those
everyday little things

they seem so
insignificant,
annoying

but - what if they weren't there?
where would we be?

popsicles are
   awfully exciting
when you are
   three years old

giggling in the hammock
   popsicle juice
trickling down your arms

holding up your prize
   so that all the world can see the proof
that you finished your supper
   and have moved on to better things

your friends keep leaving you
they walk away to
"talk"
or something stupid like that

i'll be with my friends
somewhere nearby

watching you kick a soccer ball around

wishing
with all my heart
that i had the courage to
wander over there
and start up a conversation

i've never tried it, but I'm guessing it's gross

i don't remember loving anyone this hard
i don't remember caring this much
i don't remember it hurting this much
i don't remember this many butterflies
i don't remember loving anyone as much as i love you

(i don't remember signing up for this)

she was at home in your arms
she was protected in your arms
she was secure in your arms
she was loved in your arms
she was safe in your arms

safe from her nightmares
safe from strange noises in the night
safe from her taunting sister
safe from everything

safe in your arms.
safe.

how could you take those arms away?

she isn't safe anymore,
not from her nightmares,
not from strange noises in the night
not from her taunting sister,
not from
anything.

she's not safe anymore.
not anymore

she's not your little girl.
not anymore.

she can't be.

why?

because you are
dead.

why?

you knew.
but you can't tell us.
not anymore.

you've changed the way i think about things,
the way i process the world

you've lit a spark
that turned into a roaring fire of curiosity,
dancing on the same hearth
the fire of my imagination danced on
when i was a child

everything has regained its original allure
and i am thirsty for knowledge & understanding

i see you talking,
your mouth forming the words
talking to your friends

not noticing the girl
across the room
watching you

wishing that you would
notice her
kiss her
love her

sometimes
i get a new notebook
and i feel like
i have to get to know it
before i can write in it
properly

sometimes
i just see a notebook
and i want to
pour my heart out
onto its pages

i don't know why.

it's just a gut feeling

my feelings are a mumble jumble
of this, nothing, that, and everything.

the off button is just out of my reach
maybe if i stretch far enough
i'll be able to press it
and have a few quiet moments to
myself.

your hair is so perfect

i love those curls
that you keep mostly hidden
under your
ever - present
hats.

all i can think of
is
kissing you
and running my fingers through
your hair

i want to be the only person
you will let near it
i want you
to pretend that
it bothers you
but secretly love
how much
i would play with it

i want to kiss you
and run my fingers
through your hair

last summer
you lent me your sweatshirt,
and i lent you my heart.

it's almost summer again,
and i haven't seen you in months

but
i have kept your embrace,
and you have kept my heart.

'goodbye'
is such a hard
concept
to grasp

i waited for this moment for so long,
but now that it's over
the memory is slipping out of my grasp

i can almost remember the feel of your mouth on mine
and the taste you left on my tongue

i can almost remember the feel of your hand
on my ***
grabbing, pulling me in for more

i can almost remember the urgency
with which you pulled me on top of you

the feeling i remember best is having to leave you the next morning
and the waiting, the longing
of wanting to see you again
then,
the letdown of it never happening

your beautiful eyes closed,
lashes holding on to the last
droplets of water
from your tears

hours of crying
heart-wrenching sobs
howls escaping from between your lips
sounds i didn't know you could make

your entire body shook

i held you up
when your body gave out

i lay you down,
put my arm around you

you were so exhausted
the physical toll from your emotional weight was visible

tears streaming down your cheeks,
face contorted
noiseless screams echoing in your mind

i lay there,
brushing the hair out of your face
and wiping the tears off your cheeks
late into the night

my dad finally gave in
and gave me his old hoodie

worn out,
full of holes
no zipper
missing a pocket

loved.

i don't know how
i can
physically deal
with how hot
you are

i thought
i would have
melted
by now

i've been wanting things
i said i would never want

i've been wishing things
i thought i would never wish

my own mind is starting to scare me

i guess this is what happens
when you grow up.

fairy lights & my computer screen
to illuminate the pages
that i'm staining with my thoughts

headphones over my ears
with music loud enough
to drown out the rest of the world

a four-poster bed & bedside table
making the dreams i had when i was a child
come true

piles of blankets, pillows & notebooks
to make me feel cozy and at home

as well as the feeling of being loved
sinking into my soul

i'm tired.
too tired.

i'm tired and stressed and it's ******* the life
out of me.

how am i supposed to deal with this constant
dread and need?

a messy bun
lots of silver rings
black nail polish
string bracelets
   to remind me of
            who
   and where
             i've been
as well as silver bracelets
      for the noise
a too-big flannel
toms,
a toe ring
and ripped jeans

this is who i am.

i really like
shirts with
open backs

the only problem is that
when i go home
to my freezing cold room
there is a patch of
cold coldness
on my back
where there is a lack of shirt

i found a solution.

blankets.

just when i needed it to be
still, calm

it decided to have some crazy
spaz attack
spread from head to toe

i made a hasty excuse
stumbled down the stairs,
through the hallway
and collapsed on my bed,
trying not to wake the others

i curled up and shook
for what seemed like forever
and tried to convince myself
that i could control my own body

i wobbled up the stairs
and slipped back into bed with you

the stress was taking over

so i took a minute,
and folded my clothes.

the stress was taking over,

so i took a minute,
and paired up my socks.

the little things,
busywork.

they saved me.

you go about your day
oblivious to all the people
who are madly in love with you

people keep telling me
that you're bad news,
that you're gonna **** me up.
i know it's true,
but that doesn't mean
that i'll do anything about it

this day is full of
fake love
plastic hearts
stress
loneliness
unanswered questions
sadness
and self pity

created by a
brand - name business
so they could
get more money
from the poor suckers
who fall for this crap

most of what they created
is pain and misery


(i'm just in it for the chocolate)

there is something magnetic about you
something i wish wasn't there
because i know that it's going to get me in trouble

i fell like you're slipping out of my grasp,
like i'm losing you
& you're moving on
to bigger & better things

i'd say i didn't know what i'd do without you
except i know full well that i'd spend my time being miserable
& that my life would not be
nearly as meaningful
              or exhilarating
as it is with you in it

i thought you were gone
for good

i was considering what i would do
if you were dead

tried to tell myself you weren't,
and that you were coming back

i wore your pants
hoping that the pants gods would notice,
have mercy,
and bring you home to me

you have a permanent home
in my head

you've rented an apartment
and are now
one of my many tenants

you barely ever leave your home
mostly just sitting in your room
poking my mind
so i can't think of
anything but you

i wish you would
pay your ******* rent.

i really like the closet
i have a pillow and
all my notebooks
some candy
my laptop
a place to put my feet

i bet i spend more
time on the floor in my closet
than anywhere else in the house

tag
itch, itch, itch
scratch
wiggle

this isn't working

.

i ******* love you
and i want to remember
how it feels
to love you this hard
till the end of time

sometimes
my textbooks
turn into
gibberish
and i have no idea
what they are trying to tell me

i want to know if there is anything i can do to help.

and if there is, what it is
and how i can do it.

i really do care about you
and i want you to be happy and safe.

if there isn't anything i can do,
or even if you just don't want me to do anything,
that works too.

just tell me,
please.

even if it's just talking (however cheesy it sounds, i know it helps me sometimes, and i'm up for it)

also,
i want to apologize for taking this long to say something
(i don't even know how many times i've written this in my head)
i didn't know what or how to say anything, so i just didn't.
then i remembered that you are one of my dearest, dearest friends and i can just talk to you, it doesn't have to be anything fancy or complicated.

i want to apologize for writing this as well.
i'm very shy when it comes to dealing with things that carry emotional weight, and writing is a lot easier for me than talking.

so yeah,
   here is a tiny piece of my mind for you to look at.


i love you.

we started with kissing
and ended with getting to know each other

past the point of just plain tired
past stupidity
past being hyper
past crashing

now it's just a general looming feeling
hanging over you

it doesn't go away.

breathing the same air
hearing the same silence
reading the same words
copying the same notes

thinking a myriad of different thoughts

i've had fluttery things in my stomach
all day
because of you

i get so nervous.
everyone else, i can deal with.
easily.
so easily.

but you,
you're different

i get that feeling
whenever you say so much as
say a word to me

nevermind
talking to me in the hallway
then texting me after school
and keeping it going
for hours

i don't know what to do
i can't deal with this
what am i supposed to do?

sometimes

i try too hard
to figure things out in my head

i plan how it's all
going to happen

but nobody follows
the script
in my head

and it messes me up