is it just because i want to
save you?

if i love you,
i want it to be because i love you,
not because i need to.

that has to mean something,
right?

i can't decide how i feel about you.
i've never had to deal with you like this before.

i'm afraid of what might happen
i'm afraid that you might not feel the same anymore
i'm afraid that i'm misinterpreting my emotions
i'm afraid that i might not be able to go through with it

i don't know what to do with myself

i've never loved a girl like this.

your beautiful eyes closed,
lashes holding on to the last
droplets of water
from your tears

hours of crying
heart-wrenching sobs
howls escaping from between your lips
sounds i didn't know you could make

your entire body shook

i held you up
when your body gave out

i lay you down,
put my arm around you

you were so exhausted
the physical toll from your emotional weight was visible

tears streaming down your cheeks,
face contorted
noiseless screams echoing in your mind

i lay there,
brushing the hair out of your face
and wiping the tears off your cheeks
late into the night

my feelings are a mumble jumble
of this, nothing, that, and everything.

the off button is just out of my reach
maybe if i stretch far enough
i'll be able to press it
and have a few quiet moments to
myself.

i want to learn

the shape your lips make when you sleep
and how they feel on my neck

how my hand fits in yours

what you do when you're nervous

how it feels to run my fingers through your hair

what your voice sounds like first thing in the morning,
right after you wake up

the weight of your arm over my shoulders

if you sing in the shower

if you're the sort of person who makes their bed every day

i want to learn all these things about you,

some things you wouldn't take the time to notice about yourself

and the things that nobody would ever notice about you
unless they were as in love with you
as i am.

i haven't taken the time
to go for a walk
in a while

but last night i stepped outside
and was suddenly overwhelmed
by the need
to go for a walk

it didn't matter that it was
raining
and cold.

i just walked right out there
and loved it

loved the rain
falling on my head
and soaking my toes

loved the cold
making me appreciate
my warmth

loved the air
feeling like real, tangible life
in my lungs

the stress was taking over

so i took a minute,
and folded my clothes.

the stress was taking over,

so i took a minute,
and paired up my socks.

the little things,
busywork.

they saved me.

even before i went outside
i could tell that it was going to be nice

i put on a loose t-shirt
and felt live air
on my skin
for the first time
since last year

left the house
without needing a coat

the earth is coming alive again
and so is my spirit

i think of you
in the morning
as i wake up,

and in the moments before
i drift off
into nothingness
at night.

the stress level is rising,
rising,
rising.
i can feel it in my chest.

i need to do this
i'm in the middle of doing that
and it really shouldn't wait.


then it turns out that this
is three times more complicated than i thought it was,
that needed to be done hours ago,
and it is due tomorrow morning.

       calm down honey,
                  *you'll be okay.

but
instead, i'm sitting here
writing,
scribbling little notes to myself

i told myself that
i would get up
as soon as i put my music on
but
how could i resist
curling up in my chair,
listening to the music
playing in my room
and the wind
swirling around outside it?

sometimes
when i forget to eat
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop

it kinda scares me.

you have a permanent home
in my head

you've rented an apartment
and are now
one of my many tenants

you barely ever leave your home
mostly just sitting in your room
poking my mind
so i can't think of
anything but you

i wish you would
pay your ******* rent.

sometimes
i get a new notebook
and i feel like
i have to get to know it
before i can write in it
properly

sometimes
i just see a notebook
and i want to
pour my heart out
onto its pages

i don't know why.

it's just a gut feeling

do you ever get that feeling
where you want something
to happen
so bad
that it hurts?

it's terrible.

and it happens to me
every day.

not because it's hot,
because the air feels really thick.

i don't like it.

i feel like i am
drowning
very very slowly.

i don't know how
i can
physically deal
with how hot
you are

i thought
i would have
melted
by now

physical weight
emotional weight

it's all something significant

sometimes
things just happen
out of the blue.

you never see them coming,
never know how to react.

i hadn't seen you
for a while

so when i saw you last week
it hit me all over again

how ******* adorable you are
how charming you are
how you space your words
in the most delightful way
imaginable


how i can never quite tell
whether you like me or not

it's amazing how much affect
one little thing
can have on your emotions

a simple touch will make your heart melt,
a headset makes you feel official,
an angry look can make you feel like a failure.

it can be the tiniest thing,
not anything significant.
but to you,
it means the whole world.

i wanted to know why
i had been so crazy

but really, it was obvious.

you pushed me over the edge

i couldn't take it anymore.

the earth is waking up

coming back alive after
being covered with a
cold, wet blanket
for so long

it puts a little bit of
wonderful
in everything

the earth is coming alive again
and so am i

i watched them play
where i played  

i watched them eat
where i ate

i watched them live a little part
of the life that i lived

my house
my yard
my food
my childhood

i've been writing in red
because it reminds me of blood.

i'm not a violent person,
but there is something
extremely satisfying
about writing in red ink
and imagining that it is blood,
that you are staining
these pages forever
with something more
meaningful
than normal
ink.

i'm tired
and scared
and stressed
enough
as it is,

i don't need you
piling all your problems
on top of my own
and expecting me
to sort them all out
before I even start
dealing with my own.


*i'm going to break down

your friends keep leaving you
they walk away to
"talk"
or something stupid like that

i'll be with my friends
somewhere nearby

watching you kick a soccer ball around

wishing
with all my heart
that i had the courage to
wander over there
and start up a conversation

i've never tried it, but I'm guessing it's gross

i'm tired.
too tired.

i'm tired and stressed and it's ******* the life
out of me.

how am i supposed to deal with this constant
dread and need?

you would think so.

                             but that's not
                                              how it works.

i've been wanting things
i said i would never want

i've been wishing things
i thought i would never wish

my own mind is starting to scare me

i guess this is what happens
when you grow up.

i wish you could write feelings

i wish you could
keep them in bottles

and taste little bits
to remind yourself of
that feeling you had
one day last year
or last month
or yesterday afternoon.

i would want my
skin to be darker
hips to be smaller
******* to be bigger
fingers to be shorter

but i can't change these things
so i live with them
and am perfectly fine
with what i have.

but i like writing it even better.

my emotions are having a disagreement

and they decided to
hold their battle
in my head

its been going on
for a while now

i wish they could just
agree on something.

even a compromise
between the two
would be nice

she was at home in your arms
she was protected in your arms
she was secure in your arms
she was loved in your arms
she was safe in your arms

safe from her nightmares
safe from strange noises in the night
safe from her taunting sister
safe from everything

safe in your arms.
safe.

how could you take those arms away?

she isn't safe anymore,
not from her nightmares,
not from strange noises in the night
not from her taunting sister,
not from
anything.

she's not safe anymore.
not anymore

she's not your little girl.
not anymore.

she can't be.

why?

because you are
dead.

why?

you knew.
but you can't tell us.
not anymore.

we formed sounds
in our mouths

we spoke words
made up of letters

we told each other things
that were of some significance
to at least one of us

we trusted each other
to hear the words we were saying,
to understand the meaning,
to hold the memory of that moment.

for some strange reason
i thought that talking to you
was some great act
and i wasn't good enough to do it

but then i said something
without really meaning to
and you said something back
we exchanged words
i said something
and you said something back

then i realized that
i could talk to you

that it didn't have to be some profound thing
i had been planning on saying
for weeks

i realized that
you are just a normal person
not some god or anything
that i was just as good as you

i had this realization a few weeks ago,
but i still find it amazing
that i can talk to you
and you will talk back

sometimes

i try too hard
to figure things out in my head

i plan how it's all
going to happen

but nobody follows
the script
in my head

and it messes me up

i  said that
i was tired of you
that you were a *****
that you were ******* me off

that you wouldn't be my best friend
if i knew you then
as well as i do now

but i can't escape the fact that
i love you

nothing can change that.

i'm tired of your *******
but i can't tell you that

sometimes i just need some time away from you
but i can't tell you that

maybe you aren't really my best friend
but i can't tell you that

no, i don't really want to keep in touch when school ends
but i can't tell you that

no, you aren't as cute, ****, artsy, or talented as you think you are
but i can't tell you that

i don't love you as much as i say i do
but i can't tell you that

my dad finally gave in
and gave me his old hoodie

worn out,
full of holes
no zipper
missing a pocket

loved.

i see you talking,
your mouth forming the words
talking to your friends

not noticing the girl
across the room
watching you

wishing that you would
notice her
kiss her
love her

i slept till 1:13 today

i think it made me
more tired
than i normally am,
which is saying something.

all that dreaming i was doing
must have been pretty exhausting

i really like
shirts with
open backs

the only problem is that
when i go home
to my freezing cold room
there is a patch of
cold coldness
on my back
where there is a lack of shirt

i found a solution.

blankets.

it turns out that chucks
are not the best shoes
to wear in the snow

the cold snuck in
my feet got cold
my toes froze

that was five hours ago
they still haven't warmed up

you will finally open up to me;
stop being so shy,
at the end of the year

but then summer happens
and we lose it
and have to start
all over again

this time is different

this time i won't be seeing you again

i want to sleep,
but i have too much
to think about

my brain is always
so busy

remembering all the
places i need to be
things i need to do

thinking about
how i need more sleep
and how cute you are

this day is full of
fake love
plastic hearts
stress
loneliness
unanswered questions
sadness
and self pity

created by a
brand - name business
so they could
get more money
from the poor suckers
who fall for this crap

most of what they created
is pain and misery


(i'm just in it for the chocolate)

if you would
wrap your arms
around me
and whisper
sweet little things
in my ear