My sweetheart,
the one I love so dearly
the one who keeps me on my
toes and my head on straight
tried to leave again only
this time I wasn't there to witness,
to hold him and listen
and it breaks me,
makes me mental because I knew
he wanted to go
but he knew if he jumped I would
now all I could do
is sit here
smoke a cigarette and
pick flowers
while he's lying in a
hospital bed getting some
knowledge from someone
with a degree and
wait.

There is no difference between a lie

and a white lie

because in the end

it is still a lie,

and you still look like a fool for believing it.

There are times, when I do not doubt he will break my heart again.
But those only seem to be the days when I doubt myself.
He understands I am weak, and he is weak, but much much stronger than me.
Love gives me a feeling in my gut, I cannot help
to be afraid and that's what I feel most of all. The stress, is making me want to finish off this benadryl.

This is not poetry, just a little write.

The last one and you think you're done
They are no fun,
Just trouble in your lungs
And even when you don't want them to,
They end up creepin and crawlin
back to you.

I was 17,
and was on psychadelics for months straight
in ways it opened my mind
but I lost it in the process

you ask me who I am,
I only know
I am the person you perceive

I was 17,
perscribed depressants,
not for me
but him
he still didn't mind sharing..
for months straight

the one I loved most
and I couldn't feel it
not only it,
but everything

I was numb

I am 18,
and for months straight
I feel as though I consume more
*** in my lungs
them the polluted air

You ask me
where is my mind?
Well, I'm not sure
and I'm not sure if I want to find it

My mind has found comfort
around drugs
and I'm not sure id know who I am
without them.

and that is the sad truth.

I write poems, but I'm not sure if that makes me a poet and whether my writings are poems or just fragments with a similar ending pattern.

"How come you're not talking, did I do something wrong, what is it now you're just quiet" you said , as I looked at you in the eye and told you I was fine. I suppose silence is louder than actual words. Truth is, I'm tired of talking, saying nonsense words that form a conversation that doesn't really matter. Talk just to talk. Truth is, I'm comfortable in our silence. I suppose you don't really love someone until you can lie down in silence and not feel uncomfortable to just not say a single ******* word. I want that, and not to be questioned why, and what's wrong when all I want to do is lie down, in silence.

Oh dear its happening
what do i need?
I need a friend
my body is rushed with adrenaline
knowing i may lose him again

what do i do?
oh mama tell me please
i know your foot has fit the shoe

i bite my nails
and i tap my foot
but it doesn't help
im feeling a lot of  blue

What must I do
I love you so
and do not want to say
goodbye

A widow I am
For you are not dead
but only gone

Buried beneath the meadows
Our love lost at the peak of dawn
For you are only man
And I shall not cry

For those, you shall not pry
Love will come again
For I shall not be around

cannot bare to watch you
Wear that crown
watch you be proud
of how many times
you've caused this frown

Your kind words have no meaning
When you start to comfort me
in soft, felt like beatings and
just as I thought you'd leave me with a simple peck
you wrap your fingers around my skin
...I'd rather have a noose pull gently
around my neck
For what have I done,
Please tell me so
Perhaps you'd rather have one of your skimpy girls
Put on your favorite little show
Cue the music dear,
let's have a little hear
Cross your fingers you don't put her through fear

You're pathetic,
A pig,
Nothing at best
Dig baby, dig
Because you're going to turn out
Just like the rest

6 feet below.

fill your lungs with cancer,

you're going to die anyways
why not die a little faster?

I am so foolish,
cant even keep my words up right
a talking monkey of some type
I am human
and I feel
and get laughed at for that too
Mold myself around opinions
who am i
what am i
Part of a puppet show
control me
mold me
make me
who i am
what i am

Let's play the game of Who Deserves Who
You mope and cry and make up lies
to those you know who love to pry
You make sick
as you blow your kiss
baby, why do you love to victimize?
It doesn't make sense
none of it
**** this
find yourself, and be true.

Will you be the one
To loosen the noose
When I finally crack?

The best news I've heard in days,
even months..sometimes I think in years

my sister, creating a home inside her tummy
for a beautiful baby bean
creating a life..

just as i thought there wasnt a reason,
a meaning to stay
on the edge on contemplation,
of suicide

my heart,  my head
"you've got to be here for this baby"

and I will. and I cannot wait.

I don't know if I love you,
dear
but I'm pretty sure I do
all I know is that
it is sunny
and I miss you today,
my dear

We dance around the streets
in silence and smiles
I do,
I do love you
my dear

Bold brown eyes
you are so beautiful
and the ways you look
at me
makes my mind so mental,
my dear

Cigarettes and coffee
are our early mornings
that I miss most
through these weeks,
my dear

I don't know if you love
me dear
all I know is that
It's sunny
and I miss you today
my dear.

If you fall in love
Be prepared,
You are falling into pain too
Their words will seep into your veins
through, and through
to your heart and make you feel blue
Do not fear,
nor shed a tear
For love is love
and it comes and goes.

I'd like to think every poem I write
is as equal as a love letter for you
perhaps some kind of cry for help

if you were to ever be truly curious of how I felt
read me,
and you will see
the pain and the love i feel

for you more specifically

I don't know another time when I havnt written about you..
for you

One day,
when you read these writings
I hope your eyes widen
as well as your mind

and you all of a sudden see everything and understand, everything

and from there,
both you and I will see together.

No good for the getting better, only feel like I'm going to put you back into getting worse because I am nowhere close to being fine.

There was something
within your eyes
that made me believe
your words were lies
so i stop and stared
but i could not bare
that the boy i love
could make me cry
until you left
then come may and
you came again
looked at me and grinned
you were not you
perhaps you changed but
not for the better
by then i only wanted you
to tell me to shoo' away
but i stayed and here i am
with the leaves that fall
my knees so weak
youre making it hard to crawl
do you love me?
or do you love her?
my mind is such a blur.
I love you so
perhaps too much to let you go
so listen here
one thing I learned of love,
never hold your breath,
you'll end up dead.

The crows scream cries
as they sit on that old broken branch
So much beauty in something
someone can find so horrid
For you remind me of crows,
with someone with such the purest
heart you are seen
as nothing more than a bad bad man
and you cry and you cry

Red will forever and always be my most favorite thing I inhale into my lungs.

The anxiety has gotten worse.
I can feel it throughout my whole body
Like a virus
Like its trying to consume me,
im afraid it is
and im afraid i cant stop it.

They say "Find where your anxiety begins and squash it"
Id be squashing the one I love most.
Id be letting go of four years,
although these four years have been a roller coaster
one thats broken down and tried to be rebuilt
several times

They ask "why dont you just walk away, its cant be THAT hard"
but it is that hard and my anxiety makes the final call
You see,
my thoughts run through, come back, run though and get stuck
every day, every chance my mind will let them
Its all repetitive,
the thoughts
the feelings, the pain
words, his words
our false promises

Its been repetitive and i feel ive grown immune
to this virus
and i feel ive made a home in it

Dont get me wrong,
I love him
and i always will.
More then he'll ever know
but even then i thought it was enough for him not to cheat
whos to say he wont do it again
I now know what hes capable of

He knows how to rid of his tracks
He knows that i wont just look through his phone
He knows ill allow it all to swallow me,
have me cry about it later

There comes a time where it gets old,
where my insecurities keep asking who hes talking to
or whos hes seeing while im working

You see where my anxieties taken me?

Love makes me go ******* mad.

Good luck to all of you.

We lost each other when we lost the last bit of sanity we had left in our minds after all the times we fried. Fried every other day. One day it’d 2-3 tabs, other days we’d be breaking up crystal rocks in our water. I remember the first time we tripped together I looked at you and cried as if you were some kind of god, a part of Mother Nature that I wanted to lie and be surround in. I knew when we went too far, took too much because when I looked at you for to long, your face would start distorting and I felt like I no longer knew who you were and that scared me. In some ways I feel like we’ve got to know each other better on acid, who we were truly. And in some ways, I think that’s what’s caused us to break apart the last year. We lost ourselves, lost our minds literally. I truly hope one day, when we find ourselves again I’ll get to meet you and you’ll love yourself and the person you've become.

This is it
I'm moving 2000 miles away
By myself
With a woman who is known as my mother
But hasn't been one at all
Maybe I won't,
Maybe I won't want to die there.

But who's to say.

This time last year,
the leaves were at the turn
to red and orange
it was a beautiful fall
was with a beautiful boy
who at the time
kissed me
and left me with bittersweet
goodbyes until next time
I had my best friend
to my side,
my sister to describe at best
I was happy and
all my worries seemed
to disappear with every smiled
that appeared

This time this year,
the weather is still warm
and leaves have not changed
a bit
nothings changed a bit
but perhaps gotten worse
Trust in my lover is bent
and I no longer have the best
friend I longed for
I cry for no reasons at all
Im stressed
and I feel like Im going to crack
crack again,
I need a cigarette
a glass of wine
anything to pass the time
to go back in time
to this time last year.

I didn't leave another thing
but a single thing
tucked in the bathroom drawer

I didn't need it
or want it

but I wanted to go back and get it
just so we can have another awful goodbye
and so before I leave
youd pull me into your arms
and tell me you love me

and we'll be okay again
until we're not.

so I could leave another single thing
when you tell me to leave  

it'll only the eighth time you have
but that's ok
because im willing to come back every single time

and do it again and again.

Love *****. And it's hard to let go.

I'm not so afraid to lose
you anymore
and I am not quite sure why
that may be
perhaps its from the constant
leaving of the people I love
most
or maybe I no longer love
you as i did before
and that makes me afraid
because I do not understand
how you could love someone
so unbearably
then not at all

You use to make me feel
full of butterflies and pure love
now you make me feel
dull and
empty
I could feel the distance even
when your arms are wrapped around
me tight at night

As I lie here thinking of all the reasons
why i may not love you any longer
I cannot seem to come across
one because sometimes you could
love someone so unbearably
and then not at all
being with you has made me
understand that is true

When you awake
you'll be left with an empty
side of the bed we once
made love in
and a note I left that says:
"My dear, understand this was best
for you and I. I cannot bare the feeling
of saying goodbye to your face
because this goodbye is not
good at all and so I had to leave.
I took something from you awhile ago
I've returned it to the place I found it  
now you can find someone new to
hold your heart , for mine will always
be yours.

You said your words for the last time
I felt you dig into my chest
Couldn't think of a sadder mess
Felt your touch for the last time
didn't want you to leave me
Did you hear me when I told you I loved so
no,
you left and went right out the door
my lips were cold and I thought id died
felt your soul,
felt my heart go right through the floor

My mind is my world and it feel like it's all stopped. It's all stopped and instead of everything coming together and falling into it's place, I feel like everything's collided and I can't make sense of a single thing. I feel I've become numb in the process. That I know I want to cry, but I don't know the reason, I don't know why. I feel pain, but I can't find the root of it and pull it out and rid of it for good. All these smiles around me and I can't seem to give one back without the reasoning being, it's polite to smile back. I can't feel my legs, I can't feel anything but the pain and this time it's consuming me whole. Makes me want to dig myself a hole, 6ft deep and lie there. That's where I believe I'll find peace. Away from everything and everyone. My conscious is ruining me, ruining everything. Ruining the world I've created in my head. I think I've gone crazy. I feel like a bad peach and I'm no good to or for anyone anymore.  My face is long and sad and looks like it's gone through a good run in the mud, or piles of mascara is you want me to be literal. I think I've lost my soul and now I'm just a walking corpse. I don't know what I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel.

Love
What is love

Love happens for sixth months
then your existence is no longer new
but use to

Affection

Affection is the sweetness that hands give
and the kind words that flow thoroughly
We give it all, until what you give is given back thoroughly with rejection

Trust

Trust is nothing more than a must
Without it,
even his innconent flirting will no longer make you feel sane


Reassurance

Reassurance  is when you're no where but your lowest with the noose tied gently around your neck, and with every high hope you'll receive a simple peck and the words that it'll be okay

or you'll get "sweetheart this is our truce", and they'll watch your body sway,  because you couldn't get it any loose.

I'm so happy,
it's sad
because I don't want it
to end
I've finally found my place
here in this **** town
and I've fallen so in
love with him
Im so happy
it makes me want to cry

Kind of fell of the face
of earth
but I'm back
for now,
for awhile
until it ends again.

I met a boy
who told me sweet words
and built a butterfly garden in my stomach
He took away all the horrid thoughts i build in my mind
set them free, took me away to thoughts of love and lust

Showed me the way to happiness
and there is where he stands
with arms open, he let me in and as did I
and from a simple touch he showed me how to love

His fingers caressed my body
crawling over my skin,
a feeling I never felt but couldnt get enough

We were hidden int the sheets,
**** and comfortable with the scars on our skin
with the marks that lied on my body, the ones that come
in the process of growing.
He didn't mind I wasn't perfect
not like the others he tried so hard to find

We lied there together,
him and I,
in comfortable silence
and I knew, I just knew..

I left the boy that I love in the whole world because like all things, I became an object to him. Something he came home to like his games or his bed. And even when I lied there next to him he looked through me like glass, and that, more than anything broke me. I left miles away, a few steps from the beach to be dulled away and caved in. Alone more than ever, i drowned myself with alcohol and drugs so my sadness wouldn't do so.

We cry and pry because we believe we need someone , someone to keep us happy, to be loved, to keep sane. But why cry and pry for all those things when we have the ability to do that on our own. Relationships and everything that comes with it, the one thing that kills us is the person we are with. We need no one but ourselves, we have the ability to keep ourselves happier without someone, to keep ourselves sane. But this is just babble from a girl whos in a two year relationship, and sadly i think that i can make myself happier than anyone ever could. Then he ever could.

We began to know each other when our minds spiraled downwards toward the rabbit hole. When everyone else were distorted, we, we were beautiful. You were beautiful. So beautiful the sight of you made me cry. And as our minds took us somewhere else, so did your hands, on my body. Exploring every delicate detail that lied there. My birth mark, my scars. And you'd kiss them and make the internal pain go away. God you were so ******* beautiful, and I loved you so much. It was a dream to be in that state with you. Too good to be real. So when we started coming down, back to reality. When everyone started to look the same, when you started to look like everyone else. When you began to scold me for my scars, and when your touch began to leave blacks and blues on my skin the sight of you made me cry.  Because I knew, I knew it was too good to be true. Now I lie here and look at you and think, who are you?