you were
a girlfriend
a lover
a woman
the perfect couple
to the outside world

but in my arms
you were a child
anxious fearful
of being alone
for even a moment

i held
reassured
whispered
in your ear
that I loved you
like a man loves a woman
like a father loves a child

triggered by the pain
lost in addiction
endless tears
and shame
anything
so as not to feel
everything
to numb
the loneliness
and fear

it ended so fast
unexpectedly
saturday morning
sitting on the couch
while drinking coffee

you wanted kids
now
your biological clock ticking
to get married
tomorrow
no planning
no prenup
gave me an ultimatum

we had fun
you were a great girlfriend
the quintessential party girl
you’d be a bad wife
a horrible mother

i said it’s over
said goodbye
got up
walked away
avoid a disaster

you're a woman now
now longer a child
but in my eyes
you are still
my little girl
twirling
dancing
in her pink
disney
princess gown

i miss
the intimacy
of when you were little
hugging
cuddling with daddy
under the blankets
watching sesame street
and eating
peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches

i like it
when you fall asleep
in my arms
while watching tv
hearing
your breathing slow
getting shallow
feeling
your body relaxing
softening
as you shuffle
reposition
and mumble
“baby, don’t go”

chasing a fairy tale
flitting between lovers
in fear of abandonment
good girl bad boy
promiscuous *****
re-enacting traumas
suffered in childhood
emotional scars
deep wounds
and daddy issues
an endless procession
of honeymoons and nightmares
crying all night
binge and purge
*** drugs and alcohol
suicidal idealation
hoping the next one
is the right one

in your arms
safe
and snug
is the only place
i find solace
from a world
full of dangers

i feel loved
cared for
knowing
you’ll protect me
and our babies