I feel new yet scarred and old
I don't know exactly how to approach
Sessions anymore
I've learned I've clung to my family's trauma as a crutch
It was a constant topic
And now
It's not
And it's almost as if I forgot that there's more to my healing journey than my family alone
It's exciting and scary all at the same time
I'm nervous
And when I think about it
Beneath the nerves is a fear of the unknown waiting to take the spotlight
What other ugly monsters do I have
Ugly memories
Begging to be translated
With the perspective and insight I hold now
I feel brand new yet scarred and old
Both in many ways
I welcome what surfaces to the tip of my tongue
Understanding it's timing is divine
While also holding space for what needs a little push
For what needs an external voice saying there's never the "right" time but this one

It's weird
To have all this free time alone
It's made me realize
How long I've been anxiously moving
Working overtime
Spending time with a SO

I've forgotten how to be alone
To rest
To simply be and have nothing to do

Im sad
But not surprised

It's like learning how to ride a bike as an adult
You remember doing so as a child
But there's some time before the muscle memory finally kicks in

That is how I feel now
Waiting for the muscle memory to kick in

I'm waiting for the anxiety to subside
And the face splitting grin to appear
Once I can feel the wind slapping my hair around the perimeters of my face as I ride with glee

It will come
Not now
But soon
All too soon

This is where I belong
This is what I'm Supposed to feel
The calm
The peace
The stillness and constant white noise

The feeling of focusing solely
On the hum of the ferry beneath my feet
The salty wind as it sends goosebumps down my arms
The sun bathing my face in warmth
The sea welcoming a stranger
Me
Thank you
Thank you for letting me add a few tears into your collection
I'll see you soon

For the water is not an element we as humans have learned to conquer
nor will we ever
May it be that way

Suppressed rage and hurt
War with one another,
Fighting to push their scarred faces to the front of my attention,
All too often now in my body

Pick me, says rage
No, notice me, says hurt

That's all I feel in my body at this point
It's exhausting and depleting to the highest degree

Free me of this emotional hades
This torment won't let me go
No, it's embedded itself in my sweat and tears
Soaking through my flesh and bones
Penetrating to the deepest depths within

How could you have held me
In some of my most vulnerable moments
Only to make me feel like I was beneath you

A wine stain on your favorite white sundress that turned soft from frequent wear
Tossed in the trash without second glance

I trusted you
More than anyone
And now
We're strangers
Who knew each other in ways lovers yearn for

I was the moth to your flame
And a piece of me died when I burned myself

I have scars now
Ugly ones
Ones I picked at as they were trying to heal
Ones that have bumpy skin numb to touch
Ones that remind me of my trauma
Ones that never *****ng heal and bleed from the center

Fu€k you
I trusted you
And right now
I'm hating you a little extra
And missing you all the more stronger than the hate I'm currently feeling
I just feel weak mentioning it
I love you, Itzhel
I miss you, Itzhel

Until I visit my grief of you again

Healing chose me
And I chose healing
So here I lay
With a 60lbs brick on my chest
Not knowing how to even begin to move it
Deep breaths don't work
So here I lay
With silent tears daring to chase one another
As they collect in my ear and pillow case