I hope he's happy
I hope he's in love
That he's giving it his all
He's not holding back
I hope it ends in a fairly tale for him
And that he finds real love
As for me,
I will heal
And when I finally do
I'll be genuinely happy for him
But for now,
It still hurts

I'm inlove with you, Death.
I can't stop thinking about you, Death.
I wish you'd come for me.
Rescue me,
From the prison of life.
It's filled with nothing but pain.
Negative thoughts.
Self limiting beliefs.
Death, you seem like my savior.
My only way out.
Death, you shall be my hero.
You shall save me,
From myself,
From eternal sadness,
From self pity,
From feeling like I'm not good enough,
Like I don't matter.
Dear Death, if you're reading this,
Please come from me.
I will welcome you with open arms.
I will dwell in your house till judgement day comes upon us all.
I will embrace your darkness.
For my fragile heart knows no light.
I am trapped in melancholy.
I can't break free.
God hears others but not me.
I will take cover in your shelter,
As I look down upon those I once loved.
I will give my meaningless existence to you.
You will be my purpose,
My destiny.
Please save me.
I will give you my last breath.
You can have my heart,
For all eternity.
I will be yours and you will be mine.
I belong with you,
Not here.
Not in this circus of a world.
It is cruel.
I want to be by your side.
Not here, all by myself,
With no one to lean on.
I will give you my all.
I am yours for the reaping,
I am ripe and ready for your harvesting.
I surrender to your mercy of an eternal slumber.
Let me close my eyes forever.
I know not why I was created.
Maybe it was for you.
Please be mine.
I shall be your bride.
And you my groom of darkness.
I may never find happiness,
But at least I'll have you.
My prince of darkness.
I cherish you.
Every time you come for others,
I can't help but wish it was me.
I eagerly await my turn,
To be one with you.
I want to marry you, Death.
I want to dance with you, Death.
I'm in love with you, Death.

I want you to know, that I loved you.
I saw myself with you. I truly loved you.
Accepting that you do not love me the same,
Has been by far my greatest, most deepest pain.
I do not understand. I can not comprehend.
There is no way for my heart to mend.
I am broken beyond measure.
'Tis your heart I used to treasure.
'Tis you I desired.
The only I admired.
It breaks my heart to see us apart.
I am stuck with a broken heart.
'Tis bleeding.
I can't stop weeping and pleading,
To God to say 'tis not true.
He loves me too.
For I love him so.
I will follow him where e'er he may go.
Stand by him through thick and thin.
Dwell under his soft melanin skin.
Have his kids. Make him my kin.
I'll repent from all sin.
If it means being beside him.
Please, don't take him from me.
For I love him so much.
I'd rather die than live without his sacred touch.

Who is going to care for my heart?
Who is going to catch me when I fall?
Who will wipe my tears away?
Who will laugh with me?
Who will love me?
Dear God,
Why have you left me
All alone?
With no one.
But myself.
Who is going to love me?

I will heal
And when I do
I will write about it

We're not anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
You're like a blank canvass
With a story
Yet to be told
But I love you
I'm sure of it
Cause you dwell in my mind
You live in my dreams
When I close my eyes, I see you
When I wake up in the morning
I think of you
Before anything else
We're not anything
We may never be anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
We're strangers
But I'm so in love with you
The thought of you
What could be
I don't know how to stop
You're trapped inside of my thoughts
I don't know how to let you go
Cause I love you
I'm sure of it
I'm gonna leave this here for you
Maybe some day you'll find it
And you'll know that it's for you

Misery is a pool of blood,
And I am drowning in it.
I can't swim,
To save my life.

Melancholy is a golden necklace,
And I wear it.
Across my neck,
Like a medal.

Regret is a silver bracelet,
And I wear it.
On my wrist,
All the time.

Pain is a glass of chardonnay,
And I sip on it.
Like water,
Every single day.

Depression is my crown,
And I wear it.
Proudly on my head,
Like a prize.

Congratulations to me.
I am the saddest person,
To ever walk the earth.
Finally, I win.

Finally, I am good at something.
I am good at feeling miserable.
Feeling sad and depressed.
Feeling regretful.

Born one thousand nine hundred and, ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

Where has the time gone?
It feels like just yesterday,
When I was still young.
When I had my twenty first birthday.

How am I so old?
Yet so unprepared,
For the woes of this world.
Neither seen, nor heard.

Dreams not reached.
Living a life not anticipated.
Dreams forsaken and ditched.
Feeling discriminated,

For being a failure.
I did not ask for this!
At heart, I am a creator,
Yet stuck in a career that brings me no bliss.

How did I get here?
My whole life feels like a mistake.
I wish to disappear.
I need a break.

Thirty years.
Three decades.
A million tears.
Time burns faster than flames.

And I am through with it all.
My ******* have sagged.
My twenties are now stuck behind some wall.
I miss the life I could have had.

Born one thousand nine hundred and ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

If my loneliness could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get some friends!"

If my depression could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get some antidepressants!"

If my anxiety could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Take a chill pill!"

If my sorrow could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Find some happiness!"

If my bank account could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Find a side hustle!"

If my career could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, bye.
Where is the bag we've been chasing?"

If my ****** could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get a ****. Seriously!"

If my car could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Upgrade already!"

If my lungs and liver could talk;
They would say,
"*****, we're tired.
Find a new coping mechanism!"

If my brain could speak;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Stop thinking!"

If my stomach could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Stop over eating!"

If my lungs could talk;
They would say.
"Girl, stop.
Stop with them cigarettes!"

If my phone could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Get a life!"

If alcohol could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Leave me the **** alone, your body is rejecting me!"

If my body could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, I'm overweight.
Please hit the gym!"

If the color black could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Wear something else!"

If my heart could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, forget him.
He ain't ****!"

If my future could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, hold on.
Better days are coming!"

If my hopes and dreams could talk;
They would say,
"***** what the actual ****?
Where are we? What is this place?"

If natural disaster was to call.
And we were all to fall.
Will there be anyone left?
To log into our phones,
And read our unposted;
Thoughts.
Poems.
Playlist songs.
Prayers.
Notes.
To do lists.
Bucket lists.
Wishlists.
Uncleared shopping carts.
Liked videos.
Saved videos.
Favorite videos.
Watch later.
Retweeted.
Loved.
Reposted.
Unfiltered pictures.
DIY projects.
Ten minute crafts.
Absolute must haves.
Spend the day with mes.
Get ready with mes.
Food orders.
Takealot orders.
Amazon orders.
Day in the life.
What I feed my dog in a day.
What I eat in a day.
Daily vlogs.
Daily blogs.
Unread texts.
Check ins.
Drafts.
Downloads.
Watch lists.
Google history.
Unread emails.
Tinder matches.
Netflix must watch.
Gen Z versus millenials.
Private subscriptions.
And think to themselves,
What the actual f**k?
What happened to us?
What has the world become?
Personally,
I hope he writes the new Bible.
What would God think?

Floods are coming.
I hope you drown first,
Before everyone else.
Storms are calling.
I hope you get stuck first,
Before everyone else.
For not responding,
To my texts.

It hurts.
It burns.
Every day.
In every way.
I cry about it.
Obsess over it.
Night by night.
Against my might.
It cuts deep.
I can't fall asleep.
You don't see me.
Why can't you see me?
Will you ever see me?
Like I see you?
I see you.
More than you'll ever know.
In my dreams.
My thoughts.
In my memories.
I see you all the time.
I can't stop.
Seeing you.
I wish you saw me,
Too.
What would it take,
For you to see me?
What do I have to do?
For you to see me?
I'd do anything.
For you to see me.

Always trying to figure out,
Where I went wrong.
It's like I blinked,
And suddenly,
I was in a deep dark hole.
Not knowing how I fell in,
Or when.
My whole life is a blur.
I don't have any memories,
Of who I used to be,
Before I became,
A sad;
Lonely;
Broke;
Broken;
Depressed;
Anxious;
Unloved;
Adult.
I­t's all I know.
When did I make the decision,
To become a failure?
How did I become,
A victim of life?
How do I turn things around?
Make life meaningful.
Have meaningful relationships.
Nothing feels real.
I lost myself trying to heal.
I wish for death like it's nothing.
Every time I see a "rest in peace" post,
Deep down I wish it was me.
Thinking: "You're so lucky to be dead."
I've stopped believing.
I've accepted,
Misery.
And all its friends and foes.
I can't count how many times a day,
I say:
"I wish I was dead"
"I'm so lonely"
When does it end?
Does it ever end?
I wish somebody loved me.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Yes!
Do I know how to stop?
No!
Am I worthy of unconditional love?
Absolutely!
Will I reach it?
I don't know!

I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your light.
May God bestow his best blessings,
Upon you and yours,
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.
May darkness fear your presence,
And the light be ever comfortable in your existence.
May you never again feel pain.
I hope you find peace so pleasant,
That you continue to dwell in it,
For all eternity.
May you never again feel the grasp of grief,
Nor the frustration of failure,
Nor fear.
Nor the sting of shame,
Nor despair.
May the cloud of sadness abandon your side forever,
And that of happiness accompany you to the grave.
May joy be your daily bread.
May bliss be your every day song.
May your heart be filled with love,
So unconditional it prevails,
Against all odds.
May you be protected against all evil.
May the devil tremble at your feet.
May the angels shelter you under their sacred wings.
May your wildest dreams come true,
Better than you have envisioned.
May you never lack.
May your pockets never run dry,
For generations to come.
I wish endless abundance upon you.
I wish boundless prosperity upon you.
I declare everlasting wealth and health, upon your life.
May the world see God's graciousness, through you.
And let them follow your righteous path,
For you stayed true.
You fought valiantly.
You showed perseverance and courage.
And for that,
I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your bright light.
May God bestow his biggest blessings,
Upon you and yours.
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.

Amen and amen...

The only time
I feel like
Everything is going to be alright
Is when there's a fresh bottle
Of gin
In the fridge
Otherwise
It's downhill
I'm depressed
I'm miserable

The only time
I feel alive
Is when my glass is full
Half tonic
Half gin
Ice
Slice of lemon if I'm feeling adventurous
Otherwise
I'm dead inside
I feel almost nothing outside of sorrow

The only time
I can fall asleep
Is when my belly is filled with gin and tonic
I experience vivid dreams
I'm happy
My spirits visit me
Otherwise
The sun comes up to my eyes wide open
Listening to my rapid heartbeat
Thinking "I have work in two hours"

The only time I feel inspired
Is with a cold one in one hand
A pen in the other hand
Otherwise
I lack motivation
I lack any will to live
I dwell in negative energy
I have no hope for the future
Nothing flows
My thoughts are a scattered mess

Although I might die
Either I die from over indulgence
Or I die from sadness
Either way
I am dead
May the good Lord forgive me
For I know not what else to do
For I am intoxicated
As I type this
For sobriety feels like a prison to my pain

There must be a better way

Things are so bad
I wish
I could catch
A stray bullet
I'm not suicidal
But death
Would slap
Right now
I'm keeping my head
Close
To the window
In case
There is a shootout
My way out

I am not alone.
I walk with a lineage of greatness.
A bloodline of healers.
A generation of power.

If I die,
Please save me the long dreaded speeches.
Whatever you never said while I was here,
Should be left unsaid.
Please read my poems outloud.
These were my true emotions.
My real thoughts.
Recite each at high pitch.
Sing my favorite hymn after each.
Save me the tears.
I've cried enough during my living years.
Save me the drama.
I've seen enough trauma.
Spare me the sadness.
I've felt all of it throughout my days.
Just hymns and poems.
I shall smile from above,
And at peace I shall be.

it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own

Everything is okay.
If it's not,
It's going to be okay.

Everything is working in my favor.
I am not cursed.
I am blessed.
My ancestors are working behind the scenes.
God has released all my blessings.
Everything is working out for my greater good.
I may not see it.
But it's true.
My suffering will end.
I will live the life I dream of.
I am becoming the best version of myself.
My angels are working hard,
To get me to where I need to be.
Everything is working in my favor.
I am not cursed.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I thank God.
I thank my angels.
In advance,
For what I'm about to witness.
I am becoming.
I am greatness defined.

Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.
What does Grey tick even mean?
I'm not thinking of you?
I don't care for you?
You mean nothing to me?
What does it really mean?
Blue tick means, I read your message.
I read your message and couldn't care less.
I cared just enough to open the message,
And read it.
Without responding.
I mean I get it.
It's no obligation.
But Grey tick?
Not only was your message delivered,
I did not care enough to open it.
Do you find me that revolting?
Was it something I said?
Is it the way I look?
Is it the way I talk?
The manner in which I carry myself?
Which one is it?
Honestly, I'd rather you read my message and make the obvious choice to ignore me.
I took my time to think, type and send.
The least you can do is read.
Grey tick?
It's beneath me!
I deserve better.
I might be a nuisance,
But I deserve the truth.
Rather block me,
Stick a knife in my heart,
Smash my head in with a brick,
Poison my food,
Slit my throat,
Shoot me in the head,
Scratch my eyes out,
Smother me to death.
Than Grey tick me!
I'm offended.
I'm human.
How am I not worth a simple Blue tick?
Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.

I'm going insane.
I'm searching his name,
Surname,
Nickname,
On every platform.
Whatsapp.
LinkedIn.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Instagram.
Tiktok.
YouTube.
Who is he?
What does he like?
All I have is his name.
I want to know him.
I have to know him.
I want to marry him.
What is his handle?
Why is his account private?
What did he repost?
Where did he check in?
What did he retweet?
What did he like?
What did he react to?
Is he on Tinder?
Is he even on social media?
Just want to find out if him and I,
Are meant to be?
This might be love.
I have to find him.
It's not stalking.
It's online research.

Maybe it will always be just me.
Maybe that's how it's meant to be.

I miss you.
But my pride,
Will never let me reach out.
My ego,
Will never let me tell you.
My feelings are strong,
But my dignity is stronger.
I hope you are well.
I know pride has got you by the neck as well.
Maybe we are meant to be.
We will never know,
Will we?
Because we are so alike.
I am proud.
And so are you.
I chose pride over my feelings.
So do you.
I don't know where I stand with you,
So I assume.
So do you.
Me and you are perfect together.
But only without our egos.
I'm not willing to let go of my vanity.
Neither are you.
So where does that leave us?
Nowhere.

I want to cry out for you.
Scream out your name.
Over,
And over.
Until you hear me.
Through these thick walls.
Until you feel the void,
You left in my world,
In my heart.
I need you.
Only you.
Please love me.
Please.
There's so much life,
I wanted to experience with you.
Only you.
What if I said,
I couldn't live without you?
Would you watch me die?
Couldn't breathe without you,
Would you watch me grasp,
For every last bit of air?
Or would you love me?
Maybe I feel too much.
Maybe I can live without your touch.
Without the sound of your voice.
The taste of your lips.
I don't want to.
Please.
Love me.

Tell me you love me
Say it five times
One, I love you
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Five, I love you
Kiss me
And say it five times more
One, I love you
In between smooches
Hug me tight
Caress me
Pull me close
Slide my hair to the side
Whisper in my ear
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Say it slower
Five, I     love    you
Squeeze my hand
Say it again
One last time
I love you
I love you too
Five times more

***** dishes in the sink
Overflowing laundry basket
Dirt on the carpet
Expired food in the fridge
Shoes in each corner
Clogged drain
Grime in the bathtub
Cigarette buds on the floor
Empty wine bottles
Dust on the TV
Cartoons on repeat
Trash bags
Empty takeout boxes on the counter
Haven't showered
Haven't cleaned in weeks
She's not untidy
Not unclean
She's not *****
She's in a dark place
Mentally
She's depressed

I'm dying
I miss you
Text me when you get this

I'm in love with the ghost of you
So in love
I'd rather love your shadow
Than love you
I'd rather love
The memory of your face
The smile imprinted in my head
The dreams I have of you
Late at night
The thought of your touch
The recollection of your voice
I'm in love with the reminiscence of you
The nolstagia
Reliving every moment
Day dreaming of what could have been
You're a calendar of thoughts to me
Of memoirs
You're a voice from the past
You're a vow unfulfilled
A regular flash from the past
A hallucination
A ruse
A fairly tale
It's like we never happened
I'm in love with the delusion you
Every day discovering the non existing parts
Of you
And I'd rather love the myth of the man
Than love you
You were so toxic
In my fantasy,  
You are not
I'm in love with the ghost of you
For it is perfect

I want to perform
self surgery
Open this heart up
See
what's really bothering it
Brain surgery
Remove these thoughts
stuck in my head
Get to the bottom of this
Eliminate the pain
The memories
The anxiety
Surgically

Darkness
It's everywhere
When I close my eyes
And when I open my eyes
It's in my mind
It clutters my soul
It's in my heart
It's in my head
It's everywhere
I can't escape it
Nor can I contain it
It smothers me
It controls me
I see it
I feel it
Everywhere
It leads the way
But I can't see
Anything
Or anyone
I can only hear
Here and there
It's so dark
Everywhere
I can't see
Can't see where I'm going
Or where I come from
I see darkness
I see nothing
Everywhere

There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality

I could water the forest
with my eyes
I could drown the ocean
with my tears
I could move the mountain
with my heart
I could summon the wolves
with my weep
I could cause a tornado
with my breathing
I could die
from sadness

My pillow.
It's wet with grief and sorrow.
Tears from the night before.
Eyes swollen and sore.


My pillow knows no drought.
Cry myself to sleep without a doubt.
My pillow knows no happy tears,
Only weeping prayers.


My pillow has absorbed an entire ocean.
Every last emotion,
Flows from my heart to my pillow.
No one will ever know, except my pillow.

Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.

For a thousand times,
I can't believe that it took me a thousand times,
To see that you are a thousand times not the man for me.
Maybe I don't love myself as much as I think I do,
Beause if I did, I would have ran a thousand miles away from you.
I would have stayed away from you a thousand times before,
Before I loved you a thousand times once more
As much as I want to kiss you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Hold you a thousand times,
Make sweet love to you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Love you for a thousand years,
And a thousand years more.
You are not the man for me!
It took me a thousand tears to see it,
And a thousand more heart bleeds to believe it.
It might take a thousand more years for me to move on, and a thousand years more.
But I will go on a thousand dates,
I will kiss a thousand frogs,
Until I meet the man for me.
A man a thousand times the man you will ever be.
Because, a thousand truths be told,
You were never meant for for me.
Not by a thousand long shots.
Not in a million thousand years,
And a million thousand years more.
I was foolish for a thousand years,
To ever think that you would love me for a thousand years.
Well here's to a thousand times of regret.
I will raise a thousand tequila shots.
You are not worth my time,
Not even a thousand half seconds.
I am letting you go a thousand times.
May I be free from you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I despise you a thousand times,
For all the thousand lies.
Playing me a thousand times over and over.
You can bet a thousand bucks that it is over.
One hundred thousand times, I am done!
Forget the thousand times I crawled back to you.
Forget the thousand times I ran back into your arms once more.
I can do a thousand times better than you,
And a thousand times more.
You are dead to me for a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
For all the thousand times you've hurt me.
For all the thousand times you failed to put me first.
For all the thousand times I thought something was wrong with me,
I hope you burn a thousand times in a thousand hell fires.
For the first time in a thousand years
I choose to put me first,
For a thousand times and a thousand times more.
For I am a thousand times the woman worthy,
Of a man worth a thousand doses of my love.
Love wasted on you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I deserve a thousand times more.
I am worth a thousand times more.

What does death smell like?
Like an infected wound,
Oozing pus,
Infested in fungus?
Like hopelessness,
Like giving up?
Like a burning cigarette?
Like a heart pounding,
In your throat,
From anxiety?
Like *****,
From a hangover,
From drinking the pain away.
Does it smell like,
Fresh sand,
After the one you loved,
Walked away from you.
Does it smell like,
Salty tears running down,
Your face?
Or like green mucus,
Running out of your nose,
From crying?
Maybe it smells,
Like,
A million eggs,
Laid by a large filthy fly.
Or like a badly written poem,
Like this one.
Or like walking in to the office,
Of the job you despise.
Maybe it smells like rotten fruits,
From the tree of your failed success.
Or like the small apartment you live in,
That you resent,
And hardly deep clean.
I bet death smells like,
The awful ***,
From one night stands.
Or like blood,
From a bad period.
Or like lung cancer.
Diabetes.
Depression.
Bird flu.
I bet death smells like death.

what a brutal exchange of words
between long time friends
we're each grabbing on to our sharpest knives
fighting for our dear lives
to the death
we used to be mates, till death
do us apart
yet here we are, torn apart
you're using what i told you hushedly
as amour to shred me
as you attack me
and continue to attack me
i'm in awe
we made a vow
i trusted you once
i loved you once
wholeheartedly so
but we're at war now, so
my sword is my words
i do not mean to cause wounds
only to teach
only to reach
out to you, the level of distress
the merciless mess
you have caused me
how did we get here?
when did we get here?
we cared for each other
did we not, care deeply for each other?
you said i used you, i'm to blame
did you not do the same?
your bruised male ego
stood no chance against
my female manipulation
i can be toxic beyond imagination
as we block one another,
i hope 'tis the last we e'er hurt each other
i hope we're even now
i hope we ne'er meet again
your words cut deeper than a blade to the skin
i don't curse you, you only longed to be seen
'tis not your fault i could ne'er love you
the way that you needed me to
'twas always romantic for you,
'twas always more platonic for me.
i'm sorry i couldn't feel
what you wanted me to feel
but your vile words
could split worlds
you can't resent me for something
beyond my control
the heart wants what it wants
and that was ne'er you
forget your vanity,
what about my dignity
you stripped of,
with your ruthless rumble?
it pierced deeper than a needle
it burnt worse than wildfire
i can't stop it from torturing my mind
i trusted you, old friend
you used my trauma against me
everything i told you late at night,
when it was just you and i,
about my dad who left me
my true love who walked out on me
how dare you say it was all my fault?
after all the hard work i've put in
to heal from the pain
how could you be so vain
you're dead to me from this day
on, may we n'ver cross paths again, come what may
alas, old friend

Swipe left,
If I'm not impressed.
If he's cute, swipe right.
Lust or love at first sight.
Doesn't even matter.
Can he even appreciate satire?
Can he hold a conversation?
Does he have a proper education?
Not just another ***** *******.
This is a game I've mastered.
Unmatch.
Detach.
Tell me who you are.
At least chase the cookie out of the jar.
Whether with words or just charm.
I can't magically fall under your arm.
Forget netflix and chill,
How about steak and grill?
Keep it real, or keep it moving.
Ain't here swiping for real loving.
But at least woo me,
Then maybe I'll let you see,
How bad I can really be.
Let you ride in the wet sea.
Yes, I want to fool around.
First, let's find common ground.
Who are you?
How are you?
Can you dance or you're just bluffing?
Are you looking for a fling or just a one time thing?
Can you deliver?
Don't lie just cause it's Tinder.
Last thing I need is another slump.
Don't lie and say you can ****.
Then waste my night with no ******,
And unmoved by my sarcasm.
Sure let's hook up,
But can you keep me up,
All night?
I'm thick and it's tight.
I like getting eaten.
I'm gluten free with extra meat in.

i don't want to give up,
most times i desire to.

i believe in myself,
not really.

i want to keep trying,
yet i don't really want to.

i want to live,
yet part of me doesn't really want to.

it's either or.
i'm constantly fighting for neither, nor.

i am neither there,
nor here.

i have the strength,
i'm also truly exhausted.

i have the faith,
yet i doubt everything.

i have what it takes,
yet i refuse to believe that at times.

i am happy,
yet unexplainably sad.

all these people around me,
yet i feel so alone.

what a cliché,
it's all been said before.

i am good.
seems i am not good enough.

i am brave as a soldier,
yet most nights i feel so afraid.

so afraid that i sleep with the lights on,
to eliminate the black fog that consumes my soul.

it smothers me,
like a grim mist, from dusk til dawn.

i don't even know what frightens me so much,
the demons and monsters are only in my head, nothing under the bed.

i want to drink ale and sleep my sorrows away, forget it all,
yet i want to stay sober and awake to experience it all.

i'd like pills that numb all these emotions,
yet i want to embrace all these moments.

at times i wish for an eternal slumber, i wonder why i was even born?
yet i wish to appreciate the life so freely given.

i am calm and collected,
yet anxiety eats away at me in the dark.

night by night,
bit by bit.

i'm scared soon enough,
there'll be nothing left.

no body, no bones.
just dust and broken thoughts.

unwritten words,
unsaid feelings.

lost forever,
forgotten.

i hope they will discover,
that it was anxiety who did it.

anxiety and her companion, depression.
some will call it overthinking.

little do they know,
what the pair is capable of.

how do i strike a balance?
stuck in different dimensions.

one positive Peter,
the other, negative Nelly.

drifting back and forth,
feeling up, falling down.

swimming,
then drowning.

i yearn to dwell in the light,
yet i prefer the darkness.

seems my life is an oxymoron,
it's pretty ugly.

yet another cliché,
maybe i'm the *****.

maybe i don't see,
what's right in front of me.

a perfectly imperfect existence.
an unstable balanced mind.

maybe i am overthinking.
maybe i am normal.

There's a man.
He left his home.
For a better life.
More opportunities.
He left for Johannesburg.
The city of gold.
Girls are beautiful and bold.
He misses home.
His mother.
His father.
He has to stay here.
Stay here and hope,
For a brighter future.
A record deal.
The next meal,
Is a mystery.
He lives in a squabble.
He wears the same jeans.
He hopes.
He prays,
For a better life.
Make his parents proud.
Is he good enough?
There's a million out there like him.
What makes him special?
Better than the others.
Is it luck it depends on?
Is it honest hard work?
He works hard.
He tries hard.
Nothing happens.
He yearns for it.
He needs it.
A glamorous life.
He fakes it.
They say fake it until you make it.
He fakes it alright.
But never makes it.
He is a mockery.
They stopped believing in him.
Will he ever make it?
Less talented people have signed deals.
What is wrong with him?
He struggles with mental health.
He doesn't know how to love.
He doesn't know how to live.
Why doesn't he reach his high heights?
Why does he not make it?
Help him.
Somebody help him.
He's becoming bitter.
He's starting to hate everyone who makes it.
Thinking, where did he wrong?
Sleeping on his friend's couch.
Maybe he should have studied law.
He's special.
But he's no Eminem.
He's no Jay Z.
He's no J Cole.
He's no Drake.
Who is he really?
Nobody knows.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

where are you going?
why are you leaving?
have you had enough of my loving?
come back here, don't you hear me screaming?

you see me crying,
yet you still choose to walk away from me.
don't you see me trying?
is this what it's come to be?

not going to ask you again,
where do you think you're going?
i can't describe this pain.
i can't comprehend this feeling.

this feeling, it is foreign.
i thought we were meant to be.
i missed everything, any sign.
tell me that this isn't us, it isn't me!

tell me that i'm dreaming.
this can't be happening.
you are not leaving.
tell me i'm imagining.

it's in my head, it's all in my head.
you are here to stay,
unless i am dead,
we are forever and a day.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

look me in the eye.
and tell me that we are going to be alright.
tell me, that this is all a lie.
please, hold me tight.

you can't leave.
not this way,
i find this hard to believe.
please stay.

i need you.
only you.
it's always been you.
i've always been true.

don't you care for me anymore?
i'll change, i'll be better.
let's go back to how it was before.
only you and i matter.

she will never love you like i can.
i'd swallow the river for you.
you are my man.
i'd write a million songs for you.

you need me.
i know that you do.
you care for me.
i can see that you really do.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

As I wipe, all I hope to see is blood
Lord knows I ain't ready for no child
God, I'm sorry I chose to be blind
I knew it was wrong
But it had been so long
Since someone was inside me
So I let him ****** inside me
Been so lonely
I don't have any money
To care of an offspring
It was only a fling
I am praying
For a miracle
Wishing to be infertile
Just this once
A kid without any vows
Would be a sin
And I'd much rather drink gin
Than be pregnant

i couldn't make you love me
as much as i tried
gave you the best of me
loved you with everything I had
i didn't hold anything back
but you could never love me
even if you tried
it just wasn't in you
i just wasn't the one
not for you
you needed someone else
you wanted something else
not what i gave to you
i wish i'd known better
enough to walk away sooner
the flashbacks of me begging
you to stay with me
still haunt me to this day
i still can't believe i acted that way
i can't believe how desperate i was
for you to love me
as much as i loved you
unrequited love is a *****
it hurts like nothing else
i'd give anything to take it all back
save my love for someone else
someone who can love me back
as much as i love them
or maybe even more
enough to make up for your part

Good day Sir!
Please kindly help me.
I am lost.
I am looking for the road to salvation.
Where there's aspiration and elevation.
Please point me in the right direction.
Where can I find real happiness?
Where can I stumble upon real love?
Do I turn left or right?
Go straight on and continue to fight?
Until I see the light?
Please help me kind sir, I've been seeking all my life.
I've been to the after life.
Searching and pleading.
Bruised, broken and bleeding.
Knelt in the middle of the road and prayed,
But it seems I have been betrayed,
By God's word and my faith.
I've been sent on a wild goose chase.
I've been lurking for days.
On this path to deliverance.
In pursuit of paradise.
I have been lost for so long.
Trying to find where I belong.
I've met demons who led me astray.
And angels who helped pave my way.
I'm exhausted from walking,
I've grown weary from wandering.
My soles are covered in blisters.
People mocking me, I hear their whispers.
"Look at her shoes.
Is this the life she would choose?"
They are whispering so softly,
Yet so loud.
I am beginning to question my sound mind.
People are cruel, yet you seem kind.
Please help me.
I am sorry to disturb your peace,
You're so lucky to have found it.
Have you traveled this route before?
Is there a shorter way? Tell me more.
My feet refuse to carry me any further.
My heart is as light as a feather.
I've run out of breath.
I'm on the verge of death.
Please say you can help me.
I am lost.
I am looking for the road to salvation.
Where there's aspiration and elevation.
Please point me in the right direction.
I've been told that I am the chosen one.
That I shall break the chains of generations to come.
But how can I?
I am so lost.

Self-healing
Self-awareness
Self-discovery
Self-discipline
Self-love
Self-acceptance
Tis all about self
It all begins with thy self

Selfish
Self-sabotage
Self-harm
Self-destruction
Low self-esteem
Self-disbelief
Tis all about self
It all ends with thy self

Ubuhle bakho took my breath away
Your smile hypnotized me
Amehlo wakho rocked my world
Your sweet voice made the earth move
It was on that day
Ngala suku when I first laid eyes on you
Such beauty
Such charm
Such exquisiteness
Skin so fair it glittered
I swear on that day
Ngala suku as your feet touched the ground I heard the angels cry
I was marveled by such style
Such class, such excellence
My heart leapt in excitement
As I adored your elegance
Your lips had me enchanted
So soft, so sublime...
I couldn't believe my eyes
It felt like a dream only it was in bright daylight
I swear on that day
Ngala suku I saw the sun smile at your angelic face
A body so divine, well-refined
Ravishing, breath-taking, just splendid
I saw the clouds follow you as you paced in a rhythm
The day brightened as your I felt your presence
I swear on that day
Ngala suku even the trees and the birds were astonished by your striking image
Your brown eyes mesmerized me
Your aura, your aroma, your walk...
Captivated me
I swear on that day
Ngala suku I saw God's most artistic design
A splitting image of supremacy
I've never seen such perfection
Except for on that day
Ngala suku when I first saw you

Does loneliness ****?
Is it fatal?
Surely I'll be dead soon.
Or I'll jump off a hill.

Does loneliness talk?
Can it hold a conversation?
I'm certain I can hear it's voice.
I do nothing but sulk.

Is it a disease?
I feel sick.
It's like I'm going mad.
When does it cease?

Is it possible to feel so empty?
When there's billions of people.
Could I possibly die alone?
With no one to save me.

Hey! Friend.
I know we haven't talked in a while.
It's been a minute.
I've been so distant.
I've been so caught up.
I've been avoiding catching up.
Because catching up means:"How are you?"
"How have you been?"
For the life in me,
I don't know how to answer that question.
Because I am not okay.
But I don't know how to say,
That I'm not okay.
That life is a hurricane.
That all I feel is pain.
That I am holding on by a thread.
That I wish I was dead.
I don't want to burden you,
With all this negative energy around me.
I'd rather you don't know how I am,
And assume that I am okay.
Than me telling you that I am not okay.
Don't ask me how I am doing.
Don't ask me how I have been.
Cause I can't give you that answer.
Not without falling apart.
Not without breaking my heart.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
And I can't describe it.
I can't express it.
I am numb.
I have succumbed,
To the darkness.
To the sadness.
So forgive me, but I can't tell you how I am.
I can't tell you how I am really.
I can't tell you that it's better.
Or that I'm no longer bitter,
About things that hurt me in the past.
That I never talk about, but haven't healed from.
I can't tell you cause you'd expect that I've healed by now.
I've moved on by now.
It happened years ago.
But I haven't.
And I can't tell you why.
Simply because I don't know why.
So I'm sorry if you feel like I have changed.
I've become estranged.
But there's emotions I can't put into words.
There's demons I can't escape from.
So it's better if I don't mention them.
So I avoid the question: "How are you?"
When I see those words, my mind starts racing.
Because that's when I remember that I am not okay.
I don't know if I will ever be okay.
I'm sorry if this hurts you.
But trust me, it hurts me more.
It hurts me that my world is so gloomy.
Unfortunately this is my reality.
And I embrace the darkness.
I confide in the darkness.
I'm friends with the darkness.
I don't expect you to understand.
And I'm not asking for your sympathy.
All I ask is that you don't ask me how I am.
Because I don't know how am.
Don't ask me how things are going,
Cause things aren't going.
I'm in a stationary ship.
Until I'm in a brighter place, mentally.
Emotionally.
Physically.
I can't tell you how I am.
So please, don't ask me how I am.