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Mar 2015 · 829
gamble
heather leather Mar 2015
gamble
you lit a match on my heart
told me your name was trouble from the start
and yet you made me believe that you were wrong about yourself
i still wonder what i would be like if i had known what
would happen from the start after all

darling, you taught me love was like a game of cards and
once you lose you should never play twice

the ironic part is that you've never made a bet and
yet you gamble with desire

and maybe we still would've made it,
after all you always did have a good poker face
oh but what a shame sweetheart you were nothing
but a mirage and hid everything behind a facade
and even though this game of hearts is long over; it ended like
a blaze leaving nothing but ashes in it's wake
i still think about how well you played and if it was all a lie
after all after a pack of cigarettes in and a bottle of gin
you never really had a good poker face maybe
if the tables were turned i would've won but i guess we'll
never know because you taught me that love was
a game of cards and once you lose you should never play twice

(h.l.)
Jasey Rae by all time low : "I've never told a lie/And that makes me a liar/I've never made a bet/But we gamble with desire/I've never lit a match/With intent to start a fire
But recently the flames are getting out of control,"
Continue reading...
Mar 2015 · 492
the liberation affair
heather leather Mar 2015
the liberation affair
they knew what was about to happen--
both of them already knew that this wasn't going
to end well, and maybe in the beginning they had
hope that their love wouldn't dwindle out but
in the end it wasn't enough, they both loved two
different people and it was now time to let each other go
and move on with whatever life would throw at them
they didn't even love each other
so why was this so hard?
why was ever single kiss, every single poem,
every single moment flashing in both of their heads
as if they actually cared about one another?
the silence was overwhelming, and if there was ever a moment
where they wanted to be swallowed whole it was this one
he took a deep breath, and with a shaking voice said the
words that they both knew were true
I think we should break up
and they should, they should because they didn't love each other
anymore and every moment they had with each other just
reopened whatever wound they had on each others' hearts
so, yes, it was time for them to leave each other
*but then why was this so hard?
god this story is sincerely ******* me up
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 585
clean
heather leather Feb 2015
clean
i've been 4 months clean or whatever they're definition
of clean is but i still crave you arms around my waist
and your whisper in my ear because what they never tell you
is that once your clean you also become cold
because you never want to risk falling in love and taking
the chance of becoming addicted;
it's so easy to become addicted
and so now i live in a world of black and white
with only bent polaroids and broken memories
to prove you ever existed
and maybe it shouldn't hurt this badly, maybe the consequence
of falling in love with you shouldn't pain me so but it does because
you had taken the same ink that you write poems with and
injected it into my veins and i've never been the same
since last july when you said that you loved me
and actually meant it,
i wonder; when did you stop meaning it?
was it the day you told me that you could never love
anyone or was it the day i told you that i didn't care

when people talk about falling in love, they always
make emphasis on the feeling, so i will say this:
falling in love with you felt like
injecting whiskey into your flesh and you like the
rush but you also feel the burn and you know
this will leave scars but you don't care because
*no one ever thinks about rehab
this is very bad and i might edit it and change it but yeah
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 662
anorexia.
heather leather Feb 2015
anorexia.
it feels like the feather of a bird;
so light and airy like
when you're walking down the street
and someone bumps into you
you praise every higher power out there that
you didn't collapse because
you're just so small and everyone
else tells you that you're so pretty
but you don't feel pretty you just want
to go back to the old you but
that's impossible because the feeling of swallowing
something scorches your throat as if there's acid
in it and the feeling of substance in your stomach
scars more than any stretch mark ever could
and big sweaters become your best friends because they
cam hide your weight and when you're tired of everything
you just swing by park and engulf yourself with a big
sweater even though you wish it could be human touch but
you haven't let anyone touch you in 3 months because then
they'd see how hollow you are and somewhere in
the back of your mind you know this is a problem but you
don't want to admit you have another problem,
so instead you let big sweaters swallow you whole;
and you keeping cursing every time that guy on the
street comes around because if he bumps into you with
that basketball you might shatter
and you've already done so much,
and everyone thinks you look so pretty
that's all you ever wanted to be, pretty

*do you feel pretty now?
i've been trying to write a poem on this for so long but i don't like it so i might do another poem about this
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 1.3k
paper planes
heather leather Feb 2015
paper planes
the scars that line your wrists remind me of
fallen paper planes, like you
tried so hard to make it perfect, to
make it go places, to make it wonder
through hills but instead it went crashing down like
your tears midway, like it thought it was hopeless
you thought you were hopeless because all
the other planes had engines and
they were battery operated from the start,
so statuesque so perfect
they were trained from the start to stand tall,
****** in stomachs, labored breathing and it
hurts so much but it doesn't matter because they
were pretty, the best of the best
and you were just left in the dirt, stuck in the mud
like a fallen paper plane so you gave yourself
paper cuts because you thought you deserved it, you thought
that they were right, that everybody else was just born better than
you; they must've received some sort of memo
that you didn't because god it feels like that,
it feels like a bitter desperation and a lonely hatred all
at once because some part of you hates their beach blonde hair
and magazine worthy body
but the worst part is not watching them receive praise
and lead the life you can only dream about, no,  
the worst part is knowing that no matter what
you will never be able to compare to them because
you are a fallen paper plane, filthy from the dirt you had fallen
in, scarred from the thoughts you can't turn off, and hopeless;
already too old to know better than false naivety

what they never tell you however,
is how easy it is to rebuild a paper
plane and how all batteries will expire
and one day, that certain shade of beach blond hair
will become discontinued and that
life goes on until it decides to stop  

(h.l.)
i feel like this should be a spoken word but yeah
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 883
deja vu
heather leather Feb 2015
deja vu
pretty blue eyes
they look at mine in
wonder or perhaps shock
i
bet
you
never
thought
you
would
see
me
again
idek i just saw someone i didn't think i was ever going to see
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 325
lost boy
heather leather Feb 2015
lost boy
i met a lost boy once
he had brown eyes and black hair
and everything was an adventure for him
he laughed at the saddest of things
and made jokes about death
his name was charlie, like the chocolate factory
he would joke and he would smoke
cigarettes for no particular reason other than
he liked to light things on my fire
and maybe that should have worried me but
i was too busy getting lost in the way he said
my name and how easily it rolled out of his mouth;
like it was fate
he always loved the idea of fate and destiny
said that everything had to happen for a reason or else
what was the point of anything?
he always asked questions like that
although he always used to say it in this way like
he was afraid of the answer
//
charlie's got a quick hand
and he told me the other day he was fine
but i didn't believe him because
he didn't say my name the way he's supposed to
and he doesn't make jokes about death anymore
instead he just looks at the window and thinks
out loud about how very pointless everything is
and he doesn't light cigarettes anymore which
should be a good thing except he's taken to lighting other
things on fire now like the flesh of his own skin
and i can hear him scream at night because the tears
burn him more than anything
//
i met a lost boy once, he hated the beach
but loved the sand
and he smoked cigarettes because
he loved to light things on fire
but to be perfectly honest
he was never really that lost
he just never really wanted to be found

(h.l.)
wHO GOT THE PUMPED UP KICKS REFERENCE?
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 388
romeo and juliet
heather leather Feb 2015
romeo and juliet
he likes plays not books and he
plays with my heart every time he reads
romeo and juliet
but he was never romeo; always paris-
the trusty best friend everyone just happens
to forget about
everyone but me, for some terribly strange
unfortunate reason
//
Paris plays guitar and speaks the best french in the class,
his parents expect nothing but perfection because
that is what he is, perfection
a gentleman who fights for noble causes, a prince who every
girl dreams of, a man who never really had the chance to be
a boy
//
I asked him why one day
why he was in love with the girl locked up in the hands of her family
he didn't say anything, i thought he didn't know but
then he said that no one really asked him why and he didn't know
what the right answer was, and he didn't want to give the wrong one

Paris never gets an answer wrong, and perhaps that is because
no one really bothers to ask him why
//
he married the girl next week
although I know that she doesn't know that
he likes plays, not books and he
plays with my heart every time he reads
romeo and juliet
but he was never romeo; always paris-
the trusty best friend everyone just happens
to forget about
everyone but me, and he told me yesterday
that i was the one mistake he would allow himself
to never correct
pumped up kicks was stuck in my head and i was re-reading romeo and juliet and now this happened. i have mixed emotions on it; thoughts?
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 1.1k
rosary
heather leather Feb 2015
rosary
i could say you were brown eyes and coffee,
that you were both oceans of happiness and tsunamis of pain
i could say that you had the best taste in music
and the worst taste in people;
but then I would only be telling the novel-like trauma
that comes with loving you

so instead i will paint the image of dark sunsets
and black and white vinyls onto paper;
i will take photographs of unopened cigarette boxes
and spilled coffee tables, i will record the sound of roaring
laughter and terribly loud sobs
and then i will put it all together so that i can
accurately describe you

you with the boyish smile and the terrible
french accents, you with the curly hair and the
bad impersonations, you with the most beautiful mind
and my heart

it's ironic actually, how i use you as my safety net
like my grandma does her rosary;
although i doubt her rosary is killing her
like you are killing me
what even is this
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 428
5:22 p.m.
heather leather Feb 2015
5:22 p.m.
I can still hear his voice in my head sometimes;
whispering stupid jokes and telling me that
it would be alright,
I can still feel him in my heart actually,
at night mostly because that's when we would talk the most
we would talk about whimsical things and make
jokes out of our lives
although thinking about it now, I think we made those
jokes to keep from crying
//
when they were cleaning out your room this morning,
they found your box of toothpicks
I remember you would always have an orange toothpick
I asked you why one day and you
never responded
I guess I'll never know the answer now
//
the worst part about all of this is that
I still call you, when I'm upset or when I want to hear your voice
but all I hear is static on the other line,
I wonder if you can hear me panic from the other line
because all I ever hear is your voice mail in my head and
it's so inaccurate because whenever I would call you
your voice would still be thick and groggy even if it was
5:22 pm which was coincidentally the first time
I told you I loved you
//
I can still hear his voice in my head sometimes;
whispering stupid jokes and telling me that everything was okay
the ironic part is that everything isn't
hunter cole is dead. i am dead. gOODBYE WORLD. why did I decide to watch red band society, i don't know
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 280
hey jude
heather leather Feb 2015
hey jude
his favorite color was orange;
like the sunsets at Times Square
and he never told me that,
I just noticed it by looking at the way
his eyes would light up and he would
start to smile a little when he saw something orange
and I always used to wish that
he could stay that way forever-
entranced and happy with the simplest things
it was a futile wish, of course
all good things come to an end and that
was the calm before the storm
and what a hurricane it was
//
your eyes are brown and yet I swear I've never
seen the color red until I looked into your eyes
and knew you were gone from me
//
my friends still ask about you; and I
tell them I haven't seen you in awhile, because I hadn't
I hadn't seen you since the summer when we would
stand in fields of flowers filled with yellows and orange
after that you were never the same
and I buried my love for you in a casket,
deep in the ground,
if you ever find it
you'll see tulips and books and
a black and white Hey Jude vinyl
by the Beatles

all things i used to love before i fell into you
i have absolutely no idea what this is soz
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 370
uncensored
heather leather Feb 2015
uncensored
i have rewritten
every poem i have about you
at least six times
i have thrown out at least 9 letters
for every one letter you receive;
i have so perfectly hid my feelings for you
that i don't even think you know me anymore
because every time we talk all i think about
is how you would feel, so this is the
honest-to-God truth:
when i bring up the topic of the girl you used to love,
as evil as it may seem, i do it on purpose
because i want to know if you still idealize her like you used to
when i share with you my poems, know
that it is probably about you but that i will mask it
by saying it is in the point of view from a fictional character
when you call me beautiful, please know that i hate it
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it
because i know you are saying it to say it,
not because you mean it
when you apologize for your feelings
i want to bash your head in a wall
because i do not want an apology
i want the truth
and last but certainly not least
when i tell you that i love you,
it takes everything i have not to
add the "in"

(h.l.)
i think this is also a rant sorry
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 443
skinny
heather leather Feb 2015
skinny
i hate the way i look when i smile
my glasses make my eyes seem so small
my hair is practically unmanageable my
arms are so short compared to my legs
so when i stretch in gym i can never reach which
makes my gym teacher yell at me and everyone stares
and i start to forget how to breathe and i know
i look like a freak and i don't feel sane
until the end of the day where i go home
only to hear my parents talk about how i never seem
to study anymore and how my two B's in my sea
of A's is a sure sign that i have issues
and i'm too tired to argue and too broken to care
so i just sit there and let them tell me all the different ways i
disappoint them; they'll send me to my room
i'll collapse on my bed and look at the wall and wonder
why i'm such a failure and the tears just spring to my face
and i'm feeling like i want to explode but i have no one to talk to
i used to be able to talk to you but now i'm just a burden
shoved to the back of your head and no
one cares anymore and i can't blame them because they're right
i'm a failure, a disappointment, a waste of space
most nights i go to sleep hoping the next day will be better
even though i know it won't be

so please don't ******* tell me that i'm perfect
just because you like how skinny i am
and don't envy me because i'm a size 0 skinny jeans
because at the end of the day, i go to sleep wishing
i could stop being me

(h.l.)
this started out as a rant and just idk anymore
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 271
paper cut
heather leather Feb 2015
paper cut
locked in this box pushed to the corner of my room
are letters that form
knots in my stomach every time i read them,

who knew words could send such pain?

my mind is trying to escape the little prison the
words set up and yet
it's pointless because i remembered every single word
that they wrote-
telling me why they had lost hope in me,
telling me why bright stars always fade,
telling me why i wasn't good enough
and god, i'm sure they didn't mean for this to happen
they probably didn't know that the words they
wrote would end up creating dozens of
little paper cuts that run on my arms
almost like little soldiers marching towards
war except there is no enemy, not really, except
the guy who works at Walgreen who told me they only
have orange bandages but orange was your favorite color
and it reminds me of tulips like the ones you would pick for me
and now i'm crying even more and i'm at the
corner of Happy and Healthy except i'm neither and i just wish
that i could throw out the **** box but i can't
because if i do then i don't have any proof
that you are real; sometimes i wish you weren't but i'd rather
live in a world where you exist but you ignore me than
a world without you

then again, there aren't enough bandages in the world
to aid the wounds given to me by
paper cuts

(h.l.)
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 569
thinking out loud.
heather leather Feb 2015
thinking out loud.
sometimes,
when music isn't blasting in my head
and the ground is covered with snow,
i allow myself to think about you
and those days;
when nothing is particularly annoying and
when i feel honest-to-god happy
are the absolute best days
because on those days i eat vanilla ice cream
and it's tasteless to me now because
all it does is remind me of the snowballs you would throw at
me and it's the kind of bittersweet memory that
you laugh at to keep from crying
and sitting there--
wrapped up in my white blanket, mindlessly
watching something on my laptop whilst eating tasteless ice
cream, is the happiest i will ever be
because that's when i allow myself to think of you-
of how rosy your cheeks get in the winter, and
how much you enjoy hot chocolate from starbucks
somewhere along the lines, of course, i will get caught
in a whirling spiral of nostalgia that will make me hate myself
for the next couple of weeks
but in the end-
it is all worth it
because thinking of you, is the happiest i will ever be,
and the saddest

it's the type of terrible, bittersweet skinny love
that makes even vanilla ice cream taste like nothing
because it reminds you of funny snowball fights
and rosy red cheeks

(h.l.)
i have absolutely no idea how this came about
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 488
addicts
heather leather Jan 2015
addicts
he told me,
with a confident voice and alluring eyes that he loved me
he said that it was me and him and the music against the world
and even though i promised myself it was only
one drink; i knew then and there
that i had sold my soul to the green-eyed boy
who lit a cigarette the first day we met
and my heart next
ii.
sometimes when people tell stories of drugs,
they forget to mention the ones that live
across the street and dress in all black and
roll joints even with their cousins in the car,
“because a good song came on”
no one ever warns you about that type of addiction;
the warring kind that not only messes with your
body but also with you mind
or at least he did to me
iii.
i only wanted to have one drink, i swear
but somehow the lines between one and five were crossed
and even though i don’t remember anything, i
have no regrets because i was happy
we were dancing, the music was loud, the people were fun
and i was so happy; i don’t think i even knew what happiness was
before that, before staring into your eyes at midnight and
knowing that i was your only one
iv.
if i’m telling the truth,
somewhere deep in my heart; I knew that
you were already gone from me,
that you were never going to be the same after that night
and neither was i; because at that point
you were addicted to the feeling of nothing
and i was addicted to you
v.
i was only trying to catch up to you,
that’s all i really wanted to do, catch up
because i knew if i didn't you would find another girl who could
and i couldn't have that
so i drank and i smoked the night away except
this time it didn't feel as good,
it was sickening
but i smiled anyway because you said that i look
pretty when i smile; even though it was fake
vi.
we live in different worlds, you and i,
although at the end of the day it was the same thing
because even though we were addicted to two very different things
i can see myself in you; and it should scare me
but it doesn't because i had already
sold my soul to the green-eyed boy
who lit a cigarette the first day we met
and my heart next

live fast,
die young,
be wild,
and have fun
(it’s not that much fun anymore)*

(h.l.)
"live fast, die young, be wild, and have fun"
this is based on a story because i'm more attached to fictional characters
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 1.8k
wildflowers
heather leather Jan 2015
wildflowers
sometimes when i see wildflowers
i am reminded of the way you said my name
and smiled in the summer:
back when you thought i was worth it
those days are obviously long gone
you have a new girl to toy with;
one with longer legs
and a bigger smile
(though if you ask me, i think it looks too happy.)
//
i don't know why but every time i think of you
i don't think of your eyes
or your smile; instead i think of your name,
of how easily it used to roll off my tongue
or how many times i would mindlessly write it on my notebook
i've always loved your name,
it's two syllables; six letters and
god, even though i've called you everything but (idiot,
*****, imbecile, mortal enemy,)
i've always loved your name--
it reminded me of sun-showers, snowflakes,
and discreet winks (all things i loved at the time)
//
on the last day we say each other
you smiled and hugged me;
the night was cold and everyone else was freezing
but my heart was pounding much too hard for
me to be anything but warm
//
i could still see it actually,
if i close my eyes and think for a long time
i could see your arms around mine
and my head on your chest, it was perfect
you should've let go by then but you didn't and even
though my heart was racing all i wanted was for
you to let go, let go, let go
let go of me; but you didn't. we just stood there--
almost frozen with the fear of falling apart without each other
it was the last time i remember being happy
//
sometimes when i see wildflowers
i am reminded of the way you said my name
and smiled in the summer; back when you thought i was worth it
and even though i lie and tell everyone that you
were just a stupid fling, i still make wishes on those
wildflowers--
that i could wake up tomorrow
with your arms around me like they were
on the last day
the amount of frozen references, i can't.
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 385
do you remember
heather leather Jan 2015
do you remember
do you remember what you said to me
before things became complicated
and before I realized
that I loved you.

do you remember our last conversation
that we had by ourselves
without our friends
and
without the tension of having to hide our feelings

do you remember our last hug
no one was watching
and we had both stayed that way
because we were both afraid to let go

do you remember that day
the first time
that you said I was beautiful
and that I should never think badly of myself

do you remember
the first poem that I sent to you
and
the first poem you had sent to me

do you remember
finding out that we loved
the same song
and
what you said to me when you saw me playing it

do you remember
telling me about your first love
and saying
that she could never compare to me

do you remember
when we were playing Truth or Dare
and you asked me
who was my first love


do you remember what you said to me
today
when we were leaving
and you gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek
and told me to love someone else

I still remember what you said to me before things got complicated,
I’ll never fall in love
I still remember our last conversation
You guys look so cute together
I still remember our last hug, it lasted forever and even though it’s gone
I swear I can still feel your arms around me
I remember when you told me I was beautiful
I said that was a lie, because I thought it was
I remember the first poem I sent you,
it was terrible but you said that you loved it
and
when I was playing your favorite song
you seemed to be in a daze and said
that it was a good song
Remember?
Remember telling me it was stupid; your first love
and that I was a thousand times more important to you
You told me you would hunt down and ****
my first love for giving up something so precious
I remember how I felt when you told me
to date someone else
It was as if somebody had blew out the faint candle inside my heart

do you remember
how it felt to be in love?

(h.l.)
laughing at how bad this is i'm sorry
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 224
The Story Of A Boy
heather leather Jan 2015
The Story Of A Boy
she told him, with a cigarette hanging
at the edge of her mouth, to stay away
not for his sake; she was selfish, she told him to
stay away for her
because she knew that it was better to not feel at all
but he didn't listen
he never ******* listened
and that was the problem
he didn't listen when she told him that it was too late,
he didn't listen when they told him that she
was already destined to live a life not well spent,
he didn't listen because he didn't care
he should've
he knew all too well that she was a nightmare,
a freak, a lost cause, but he didn't care
because she was also the girl who taught him
how to drink (even though he never got drunk)
she was the girl who taught him how
to relax (even though he was a stressful freak)
and she was the girl who taught him how to live
and one day, the fact that she was a horrible,
bitter mess escaped his mind
in a way it was all his fault;
she told him to never forget who she was,
but he did
he forgot that she was a life-ruiner, she ruined
people's lives

she told him, with a cigarette dangling
from the edge of her mouth, the puffs of smoke making him
dizzy, to stay away
but he never ******* listened

and that is the story of the boy who lives on the corner
of the street, he smokes a pack a day and sings shallow songs
still reminiscing in the memory of the girl
who ruined his life
"She's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives."--Mean Boys (wattpad story)
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 228
dust and shadows
heather leather Jan 2015
dust and shadows
"we are nothing but dust and shadows"
the drunk man said as he stumbled along
the streets with the burning sun scorching his skin
they all though he was insane
they thought he was certifiably crazy
and maybe he was
but he was also smart
he knew seven languages
and he had enough money
from the days when he actually worked to survive
he had a family, who loved him
but even that didn't stop him from
collapsing on the street and
dying because even though he knew
seven languages; none of them could speak to the dead
and he had money, yes, but only enough
to help him drown out his sorrows
with alcohol
and his family,
who lived him *so **** much
were the ones who had stolen most
of his money,
the ones who only dropped by when
they wanted more
they were the ones who had spat on his
grave and had said "good riddance"
in fact, they let him die in the streets,
his last words being
"we are nothing but dust and shadow"
as he closed his eyes, happy to be free of
such a miserable life
"we are nothing but dust and shadows"-Cassandra Clare
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 246
drunken thoughts
heather leather Jan 2015
drunken thoughts
the lines on the paper i'm writing on are becoming
so blurred
and i don't exactly remember what this
was even about in the
first place
all i know is that i had woken up at
3 a.m. and i tried to sleep but i couldn't because
you voice was clear as day inside my head and
it was driving me insane and now
here i am
writing about my sorrows
with green day on the radio and
that was your favorite band and oh ****,
now i'm thinking about you again
this always happens
god, what happened to me?
i used to be happy believe it or not
but now i'm pathetic,
now i stay up in my bedroom listening to old records
and crying all because of you
and even though i can't exactly blame you
i will say this:
you crashed through my like a tornado would
into a city; you give me the world and then turned me
upside down whilst i was still dangling
you were one of those hurricanes every one is afraid of
and yet somehow in awe of;
you felt me in the eye of a hurricane
and i am still drowning
this is very bad. i am sorry.
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 418
Red
heather leather Jan 2015
Red
some people say that it is impossible to
explain the color red to a person blind from
birth but i disagree
because red is not only a color to me
it is a feeling
red is what i feel whenever he is holding my hand
and whispering stupid jokes to me in class
and i start to blush and i try to stop but i can't and
all i'm thinking is red, red, red
red is the feeling of the sun pricking you
with what feels like a thousand tiny needles
on your skin
red is the sweet taste of strawberries;
the sensation of bursting flavor that
automatically makes you smile
and some people use the color red
to describe anger or fear but
i can never imagine red as such a horrible thing
because when i think of red
i think of all the times we stayed up late and
the next day you would tease me about our
inside jokes and you would poke me and i would blush
and try to stop but i can't and red
is the color that i feel when we walk on
the beach until our legs ache and the sun is glaring at
us but we don't care we just
keep on smiling and it's all so
red, red, red
like the time that you stole all my strawberries
over the summer and
threw them at me and i ruined my
favorite shirt but that didn't matter
because your cheeks were red
from laughing so hard and oh god,
you looked beautiful

some people say that it is impossible to
explain the color red to a blind person from
birth but i disagree because red is not just a color
to me anymore; it is not what i learned from preschool art class
red is the feeling that i get when i am with you in
the summer and the sky is no longer blue
but more a pale pink and a dark red
red by taylor swift
thoughts?
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 457
crash and burn
heather leather Jan 2015
crash and burn
i still remember the days we would laugh
until our cheeks were red and
tears were streaming down our faces
those days are long gone now; i don't laugh that much anymore
you used to talk to me about how stupid everything was
i would agree of course, still not knowing then that
life was not the color of roses
(i've found out now that it is more the color of violets)

you always told me that you were a mess, a disaster, a ticking time bomb,
something waiting to
explode
i just never thought that i would burn with you
(i still have second-degree scars on my heart, in case you were
wondering)
and i would always tell you that you were a mess, a disaster,
a ticking time bomb
but that if you would ever try to go turn and run,
that i'd go and stop you
(but i ended up crashing next to you after the tornado had passed)

you still tell me you love me more, after we talk but i think
that we should cut the formalities and
try to lessen the fatalities

i always knew, somewhere deep in my heart, that you would crash and
burn
i just never thought that I would want to burn with you

(h.l.)
Crash and Burn by Angus and Julia Stone
thoughts?
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 1.9k
The Definition of Soon
heather leather Jan 2015
The Definition of Soon
today while standing in the
freezing cold outside my school gates;
i realized the definition of soon

soon was what you told your daughter
whose waiting for you to pick her up when you had
chosen to pick up her brother instead of her
soon was what you told your best friend when she
tells you she loves you. you'd say just give me
more time. i'm sorry. soon i'll fall in love you
soon is what you tell your teacher as an
excuse for not having your homework
and that's exactly what "soon" is

soon is the excuse you make
even though you know it's a lie;
soon is the right hand man that sits on the throne
with deception
at least to me
because you know what?

your daughter, the one that you so easily forget next
to her oh-so-intelligent son, had told you that morning that
she was getting out earlier and she knew you were lying but she
couldn't say anything because admitting it is too painful
and that best friend?
the one that you love so much the one that
you claim you can't live without cries herself
to sleep every night because she can't be enough for you,
or for anyone
she thinks she is just another broken piece of clockwork
but you don't see that, do you?
no you don't because you are blinded
by the excuse of soon, the hope that one day, maybe
just maybe
you''ll love her like she loves you

soon is not a matter of minutes, or hours, or days even
it is just another empty promise in this wasteland of false hope
soon is what i tell myself before i go to sleep
soon, he'll realize that i'm just as special
soon they'll realize that they were wrong
soon he'll love me

soon isn't ever coming true, soon is a lie
and yet
it is the very reason i smile

because at least then i can hope that one day
it'll all come true

*soon
thoughts?
#pain #maybe #soon #oneday
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 275
Size 0
heather leather Jan 2015
Size 0
you focus too much on beauty
you always compliment my eyes or
how pretty i look that day
and that's all fine and nice but
what i wonder is
whether or not you
will still love me when i am old
and tired;
will you still laugh and smile at me in
that way of yours when i am
too worn out to put on makeup or just simply,
too lazy to care?

will you still love me when i am no
longer size 0 skinny jeans?

my guess is you won't

so don't tell me that you love me and whisper
to me at night when in reality you are only in
so called "love" with the image of me, the illusion of how i look
and not who i am

then again, you probably don't even know the difference
"i have nothing to say and yet my mind is screaming" i feel like i want to put that in a poem somewhere. anyway, thoughts?
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 449
disastrous love
heather leather Jan 2015
disastrous love
i get intoxicated by the smell of
Sharpies at 2am and the sound of your voice
on the phone and you're so ******* tired but
you refuse to hang up first because of
some line you read in a book

we would be the perfect love story, we really would

because you're the one who laughs at my corny jokes
and you're the one who brings me chocolate when i'm sad
and you're the one who taught me how to write poems in a way
and
i love you so much but you must not see it

i thought it was a phase, i really did
and you probably think i'm over you
(because i told you that)
and sometimes I just wish that all hell would break loose
so that you could see how much you mean to me

*you always did have a thing for disasters;
blinding hurricanes of tears and imperfect tsunamis
of missed opportunities and lost love
fictional characters and i have a lot in common.
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 298
hypophrenia
heather leather Jan 2015
hypophrenia
last night i stumbled into
a false reality
where i thought i was actually
okay because it wasn't raining anymore;
and the plants were actually growing
and my parents didn't fight
they just sat in silence
it was so ******* suffocating

but being suffocated is better than burning alive

my mom she didn't complain about how thin i was
and my dad didn't talk about
what a waste of space i was
my mind, it wasn't screaming at me
to fall apart
and the shards of the broken pieces
didn't sting as much
but then i woke up and realized what a mess
i was

my body is all angles; no curves
my hair is almost as dead as the plants
i'm such a waste of space
the broken pieces they still lie on my arms
and they yell at me at night
with the pale moon out they become so alive
and my scars they end up burning me alive

i want to suffocate
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 217
Same Love
heather leather Jan 2015
Same Love
do you know that sinking feeling
and that aching in your chest
when you see him holding hands with her?
well, that's exactly how he feels
every time he sees you chase after him
he loves you, you love someone else, and
i love a boy who does not want to be loved
by me
so don't you dare tell him to move on and find better
don't you dare break his heart
and dismiss his love so easily
when you can't even give up on
the same love
you so easily make fun of
just a little rant based on the show i'm watching right now. basically, this is in the perspective of one of the characters in the show. god i become attached to fictional characters too easily.
Continue reading...
Jan 2015 · 625
Bottle Caps and Rubber Bands
heather leather Jan 2015
Bottle Caps and Rubber Bands
we would throw pennies in the fountain
but never make any wishes and
our last goodbye felt like the sinking feeling i'd imagine the pennies felt          
when we threw them because it was so useless
you told me that you loved me even though
you and i both knew
it was a lie
I always knew it was
your love it was like a drug that was bound to break; a rubber band
that had been stretched and used far too many times
yet it was that same rubber band that I had around my wrist
and I never took it off because
even with all the lies and the excuses
all the drunken nights and
worthless apologies;
i loved you

in the songs that you would write the day after we had a fight
you would compare me to bottle caps;
the ones that you would so easily pop
but when you would write your songs you would compare me to
the bottle caps that reminded you of innocence
of your childhood
you told me that I reminded you of the bottle caps you collected
from the farmers market across the street
the same farmers market where we stained our teeth with stolen cherries
you compared me to the bottle caps that brought you happiness

i wish i could say the same

*i threw a penny today into the fountain
and made a wish;
to forget the sight of your smile when
it was stained with cherries
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 190
this is how to live a broken life
heather leather Dec 2014
this is how to live a broken life
This is how to make your child feel worthless.
This is how to make them regret being born.
This is how to teach them a lesson. Doesn't it hurt? This is discipline.
This is how to control your child.
This is how to deal with a drunken man.
This is how to feel like hell and still hold your head up.
This is how to act okay.
This is how to heal a broken heart, remember save whisky for last.
This is how to hide the scars he gives you.
This is how to cook.
This is how to clean.
This is how you pray. To who? Don’t ask.
This is how to love a man even if he hurts you.
This is how to live.
This is how to endure the pain.
This is how to be beautiful. That looks painful. Tough luck, pretty hurts.
This is how to put on makeup.
This is how to make a man weak.
This is how to lie.
This is how to live a broken life.
This is how to survive.
This is life.
(h.l.)
I guess this is an imitation on this great passage I read in the summer. I can't remember the name but I love the format. Thoughts?
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 298
Thoughts At Midnight From A Coffee Induced Brain
heather leather Dec 2014
Thoughts At Midnight From A Coffee Induced Brain
today i stumbled onto the
kitchen counter and made myself a
cup of coffee
i took my pills and i went to school and
did everything i was supposed to
i walked down the halls hoping no one would
pay attention to me

during science i tried to take notes
but something inside of me just told me to stop
and i focused on the clock
and i noticed how antique it looked
i wondered suddenly if it was a castaway;
something no one loved because it was too old
to function or something too ugly to be modern
i wondered if it would still tell the time next year and if there
would be another girl sitting in my seat wondering the same
thing
i wondered if the clock knew that it was
running out of time and that soon it would
become another broken thing in
this world full of perfection and that
no one would want to fix it
i wondered if the clock was afraid
of how fast time flew and how quickly it
could be replaced
then i thought about myself
i thought about how i was drowning in this
black abyss of perfection
i thought about how wonderful it must
be to be a castaway; to not
have to live up to anyone's expectations because
it was already established that you couldn't
i thought about the future; and
how next year i will be somewhere else
and i thought about how
long it would take for someone to realize
that i was so hopeless
and i thought about how quickly time flies and how
easily i could be replaced by the pretty girl who
sits in front of me
then i thought about her
i thought about how perfect she looked
and i wondered if she ever felt insecure
i thought about how nice she was
and how utterly fake she was all at the same time
i wondered if she was sad, like me
and i hoped to god she wasn't and
then i thought about how she would feel
if she was a castaway

tomorrow i will stumble to the kitchen counter
and make myself coffee
i will take my pills and i will go to school and do everything that
i should do
and i will walk down the halls; praying that nobody notices me
because in the inside i am the same as a broken clock

(h.l.)
therapy by all time low
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 1.7k
avec beaucoup d'amour
heather leather Dec 2014
avec beaucoup d'amour
if you saw him on the street
you wouldn't glance twice
because he does not look extraordinary
and he does not make your heart
skip a beat

but
when you listen to the wonderful, tinkling sound
of his laughter
and his inexcusable, almost inappropriately funny remarks
and when you happen to be lucky enough
to catch him smiling when no one is watching; he makes
your head spin

he is not the most beautiful to the rest of the world
and his eyes do not compare to the brightest of stars, his
hair is not an ocean-type mess and his freckles are not like grains of sand

instead his eyes are like like warm hot chocolate when
you are barely awake and are trying to get through the day, his hair is the
disaster that you can't help but be captivated by and his freckles are like carefully placed light orange dots that seem to connect in a way

I do not see him on the street anymore--
and that is the reason that I no longer
drink hot chocolate and why I hate the color orange
because god, he was not the most beautiful boy in the world
and he wouldn't make a stranger's heart beat twice
but he made mine
and in the end,
that was all that really mattered
"i'll be your augustus if you'll be my hazel grace"

thinking out loud by ed sheeran

this poem is bad. very bad. i apologize if you have now been traumatized by my terrible writing.
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 741
Lost Love
heather leather Dec 2014
Lost Love
we used to jaywalk on the streets and
play hide and seek in the rain
we would laugh about first kisses in
Central Park
and mimic people as they walked by
and the entire time it was you

I know that I am not beautiful
I know that when other people see me
they see the girl with the thin-and-very-awkward frame with
glasses that always seem to fall
I had just somehow convinced myself that
you saw more than that

When people ask me about you
I like to say that I don't know about you and that
it had been awhile since we talked
because it had
and
when they ask me if I'm okay
I smile and say of course
because I am
I should be
I'm not

tell me
am I now apart of your forgotten club
that is shoved to the back of you mind
will you tell your new friends about me
and will you say that you miss me and
will you make it seem inevitable

will you create a blank canvas of loneliness for
the next girl to find and try to paint on
will you whisper my name to her as if talking about
a shadow that shouldn't have existed

sometimes I find myself wondering if you were just some cruel
nightmare that my mind had conjured up to torture me but then I remember that
my imagination isn't creative nor beautiful enough to create someone like you

and now it rains like hurricanes but when I hide, I don't try to find myself, it's better that way
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 254
Untitled
heather leather Dec 2014
Untitled
and in the end it was the music that
brought them together
because, god, they were always in tune
and they were two mismatched
puzzle pieces trying to find their way in this sea
of endless chords

she could not tell you when
it happened
or even how it happened
all she knew was that the boy with the
angelic voice and the blue eyes
had stolen her heart
(she didn't want it back)

he was the boy with the witty remarks
and the soft dark brown-but-not-yet-black hair
he made her feel
put-together when she was broken
and she hated it
she hated this rushed feeling of love,
of attachment,
and yet she lived because of it
for mashiyat and nathan a.k.a otp
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 2.5k
Things That Make Me Happy
heather leather Dec 2014
Things That Make Me Happy
the memory of his smile in the summer when we were sad but happy, broken yet whole, and somewhat okay
2. the smell of coffee in the Barnes and Nobles on 42nd street
3. The Catcher In The Rye
4. hazel eyes that torment me but still make me smile
5. Seconds of Summer
6. vanilla ice cream
7. carelessness
8. poems that give me faith in humanity
9. Twenty One Pilots
10. my friends
11. inside jokes
12. hope
13. "we were wild./we were beautiful./we were free.
/we were lost, but god, we were free."-(a.m.)
14. the color blue
15. delusional ideas
16. thinking about the future
17. food
18. cold nights
19. Ed Sheeran
21. bear hugs
22. sarcastic jokes
23. sleep
24. *him
in no particular order
#happychallenge
Continue reading...
Nov 2014 · 348
Candy Hearts
heather leather Nov 2014
Candy Hearts
when we were young we would
give each other candy hearts on valentine’s day with
cheesy smiles and bashful cheeks
and every little girl in 1st grade would measure their popularity
with the amount of candy hearts they would get but
I was always the one who would eat mine before I counted them

you were the boy next door with the hazel eyes and the crooked smile
you never talked to anyone but me and we would
laugh off everything wrong with our lives;
it was all a constant blur--
the music
the drugs
the drinks
i don’t even remember our first kiss but
it didn't matter back then
when we were young and restless
nothing mattered back then, it was only you and i and
the music

the day after you left i found a note on my bed,
it had a candy heart that said
‘i love you’
almost like a final sarcastic laugh,
to remind me that what we had, for you it wasn't real
it was the lowest, and most painful type of love
it was skinny love and
they say that there is no greater pain than death but
what a lie
because darling what we had was madness, it was torture, it was hatred and desire combined into one,
it was tragic, it was worse than death because it made  me want to die an infinite amount of times, it was both heaven and hell, it was temptation in it’s greatest form. it was love.
it was skinny
it was hopeless
it was doomed from the beginning but
it was love
(h.l.)
Continue reading...
Nov 2014 · 423
disaster at best; a mess in reality
heather leather Nov 2014
disaster at best; a mess in reality
he loved her because she was pretty
like the ocean and because her favorite color was black
he loved her because she was disaster enough to
leave marks on her skin and tears on her chin
he loved her because she was the poster child of anti and rebel
and because she bled onto paper in beautiful words

she did not love him because he couldn't understand that she
wasn't the poster child of anti she was just a misunderstood girl and
she didn't like being a disaster, she hated it
he couldn't understand that she bled onto paper for survival and that
her beautiful words tormented her
he couldn't understand that even if she was as pretty as an ocean on the outside
she was a tsunami on the inside

and
her
favorite
color
was
actually
a
very
dark
shade
of
grey

she didn't love him because he never really loved her

(h.l.)
i think this is more of a short story. thoughts?
Continue reading...
Nov 2014 · 151
Untitled
heather leather Nov 2014
Untitled
and I want to take it all back--
every laugh, every whisper, every blissful moment,
I want it to be gone like every shred of innocence I ever had that
you had stolen
I want to pretend that you are just another nightmare
and that I have awoken
I want to feel again
to be alive
to be whole
I want to be the girl with the sun kissed, scar free skin
I want to be the person that I used to be before I met you
and it all burned to ashes
I don't want to be another abandoned building that was taken out of order
and I don't want to join the list of victims you had made
I don't want to be yours anymore

I want to take it all back.
Continue reading...
Nov 2014 · 415
Paint Me Perfect
heather leather Nov 2014
Paint Me Perfect
Color me in the right shade of hate
fill in the vacant holes in my heart with pounds of abuse
starve me from my right to eat because my weight is normal
(and normal isn't nearly as depressing as anorexic)
paint me perfect and leave me looking
devastated and depressed
cracked and traumatized
leave me wanting to **** myself because
suicide is trending right now and the more alone you feel
the more popular you’ll become
leave me looking mysterious so that my prince charming
can look for the girl with the broken smile and then
fix me
break me so I can be perfect
leave me feeling worthless because hating yourself is cool
teach me how to cut my skin because
scars are proof that you’re broken
and the more broken you are the more whole they want to make you

paint me perfect
by tearing me apart
after all,
*why would you want to be happy?
I have mixed emotions about this...
Continue reading...
Nov 2014 · 648
Blue
heather leather Nov 2014
Blue
you always said your favorite color was blue
Like the sky crashing into an ocean at midnight
your room, it was painted blue like easter eggs we used to make and then end up throwing them at each other
the walls that you put up around you, I liked to think of them as blue
but not like the sky crashing into the ocean or the easter eggs
your walls I liked to think of them as a shade of blue that was so dark it was almost black
my favorite color was always black, go figure, our friends they would call us
black and blue
like the bruises I would get when you were drunk and it was late and you couldn't control yourself
you would always apologize with brownies, a lopsided smile, and a white letter laced with the early horizon blue

that was always my favorite shade of blue

when you had left me you had left me a card that was black laced with blue and it said that you couldn't stand to hurt me any longer
I understand why you did it but what you don't know is that I am still black and blue it's just on the inside now and after everything, what you don't know is that I would've preferred your version of black and blue
because in the morning I would get brownies, your lopsided smile, and a card with my favorite shade of blue
and now my mornings are filled with bitter disappointment, ashes of my gray heart, and and cards that are only black in the back of my mind

I like to think blue is still your favorite color and that wherever you are you know that black is still mine
Continue reading...
Oct 2014 · 3.3k
Lost Cause
heather leather Oct 2014
Lost Cause
i am tired of feeling like i am not worth anything, tired of wanting a better future, tired of having all these panic attacks, i mean am i really this ******* up? maybe i am. maybe we all are. actually that’s a lie i’m the only ***** up in this world i’m pretty sure that’s quite evident in the way i look, on paper and in reality. i’m such a disappointment, i think everyone hates me and i can’t exactly blame them. my parents probably regret giving birth to me and sometimes i regret being born. i used to be afraid of death but what’s the point of being scared of anything at this point; i’m pretty sure even monsters and demons have standards i can’t measure up to. i can’t measure up to anything really; i’m a horrible person, a waste of space in this drowning planet. i’m not a dying ember or a broken star that had to fall to make someone’s wish come true. i’m not anything really, i’m not important to anyone and the worst part? the worst part is that it’s all my ******* fault, I shouldn't have turned out to be a ***** up, nothing bad really happened to me. i was just a girl, interrupted, a seemingly hopeful burning flame that died out a little everyday and one day the wind blew particularly strong. i can’t blame that on the wind though because i’m pretty sure that i would've turned out to be a lost cause anyway.
"maybe I was just crazy, maybe it was the sixties, or maybe I was just a girl, interrupted." --Girl, Interrupted
Continue reading...
Oct 2014 · 294
Skinny Love
heather leather Oct 2014
Skinny Love
and they were the kind of people
who you just knew belonged to one another
in this type of way that was indescribable
they were the perfect partners in crime
and you could see it--
even through the bustle of the city traffic
and the distance on a map
you could see that what they had--
it was pure
in a way nothing ever was anymore
it was like a fairy tale
that gave you hope because it was so
innocent in this way nothing really was anymore
and it didn't end in a beautiful tragedy the way things do
it had no bittersweet ending
and the best thing of all is that it was so ordinary, so wholesome
that it made you believe that just maybe
this skinny love of theirs would survive
in a way that nothing really did anymore
Continue reading...
Oct 2014 · 390
Some Things to Note
heather leather Oct 2014
Some Things to Note
The way you smile is perfect
2. If you look into my old notebooks you will see your name in most pages
3. Your ex is a *****
4. Is your lucky number
5. That girl you liked for a year, she isn't worth it
6. Is the age of your little sister
7. Is the amount of poems I've written for you that no one will ever see
8. I don't care what anyone says you're beautiful
9. Is month of your birthday
10. You're an idiot but so am I because
11. I love you
12. Is the day you held me while I cried
13. Is the day I told you I love you
14. Is the day you told me you didn't love me
15. Is the day I cried my eyes out
16. Also known as the amount of songs I had to delete off my playlist because of you 17. I still think you're beautiful but
18. You don't think I am and that's okay because
19. Is the amount of things I used to want to change about me but
20. I don't want to change anything about me anymore because on the
21. Of last year I fell out of love with you and
22. More in love with myself and oh yeah,
23. Your ex isn't that much of a ***** after all
Continue reading...
Sep 2014 · 340
Please Remember
heather leather Sep 2014
Please Remember
I
I know that I am not important to you at all
I'm just the girl who's there
and I know that you will forget me possibly after this year or the next
and I also know that you will never like me--
because I'm over dramatic and boring and depressing as hell
and I'm not beautiful or even remotely pretty
and because you are simply too good for me
II.
but
before you forget me
and before you completely underestimate my importance in your life
before you forget the name of the girl that's just there
before you tell her yes
before you leave
III.*
Please know that I think that you are beautiful with sun-kissed skin and dark brown eyes that will forever orbit my mind
Please know that everything about you is perfect in a not-so-perfect way and that even though I hate that you cut your hair it still looks as soft as ever
also
know that you are probably the reason I don't actually study in study hall
and that all those times I asked for help I actually already know the math
remember Madison Square Park?
When I said goodbye and you told me not to leave,
well I stayed up all night wondering what you meant by *don't go
most importantly--
Please know that I love you
I am okay with you forgetting the girl that sat in the last row in class
and I'm okay with you never loving me--because to be honest, I don't blame you
and I am okay with you completely underestimating my existence
but I am not okay and will never be okay if you do not remember that you are perfect in a not-so-perfect way and that you are beautiful; with sun-kissed skin and dark brown eyes that will forever orbit my mind
and even though you will never read this
I'll make sure of it
I only have one more thing to say
*don't go
Continue reading...
Sep 2014 · 690
The Girl With The Straight A's and Bright Future
heather leather Sep 2014
The Girl With The Straight A's and Bright Future
she was a fallen angel
too cracked to be put back together
and too broken to even care

nobody knew that she was crying every night
and that her bubble was popping
nobody read the dark poetry
and nobody saw the twisted soul
all they saw were the straight A’s and the bright future
nobody saw what it took to get there

it had taken her happy life and marred it with
constant disapproval
and with constant comparison
why is he getting better grades than you?
why did she get first place?
at one point she just stopped caring

They saw her on the street
taking a long drag wearing the same clothes she used to frown upon
they looked at her with pity and wondered
what happened to the girl with straight A’s and a bright future?

Her pretty face was destroyed by piles of makeup
and all her memory was in the cupboard that had all the Jack Daniels
her trophies were somewhere in a stranger’s home; she had sold it
when she couldn’t pay rent
and all everybody asked was
what happened to the girl with straight A’s and a bright future?
maybe they’d get an answer if they had asked
what happened to her happy life and her spirit?
what happened to her pretty face and where’s her bible now?
but they never asked that
no they’d never asked that
so her happy life and her spirit were torn apart by a demon called hope
it had killed everything inside
and her pretty face has aged with wrinkles caused by piles of makeup
her bible was the guy on the corner
that sold the stuff that was killing her inside

but all they ever asked was
what happened to the girl with straight A’s and a bright future?
well, she had died
(h.l.)
i've written a lot of poems and never put them on here so this is an old one actually
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Sep 2014 · 192
One Day
heather leather Sep 2014
One Day
and so I put my sadness into words
and listen to music too loud to drown out my feelings
and spend all day reading into a world better than my own
in hopes that i'll be able to survive until a day where
i can put my happiness into words
and listen to music for the hell of it
and spend all day writing a world that is my own

(h.l.)
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Sep 2014 · 6.7k
Calculus I
heather leather Sep 2014
Calculus I
Hey
I’m sorry if I interrupted your class with text messages
because you hate putting your phone on silent
it’s just that I should be there with you
laughing at your confused faces during Calculus I and
staring at your look of sheer concentration during Creative Writing
You were always the poet, not me
But it’s 1pm and I’m stuck in Calculus with someone else as my partner
who doesn't get nearly as confused as you and puts me to shame
which ****** me off because you would never correct me in Calculus
and so I can’t help but wonder who your new partner is
Is she smarter
Is she funnier
Do you quote Shakespeare to her like you did to me?
Is she better than me?
There’s no doubt that a. I ******* it all up and that b. you’ll move on from me
because you were always the popular one, I was the antisocial outcast that most people barely
tolerated
For some unknown reason you decided to become my friend that faithful day in
Calculus I
and ever since then you became my 3am conversations and midnight laugh

I depended on you much more than you did on me
I cared so much more
and maybe that was my fatal flaw
because if I hadn't cared so much
then maybe I wouldn't feel like screaming and throwing my partner’s textbook
at the teacher
but I did
I cared too much; against all warnings not to and now I’m wrecked
then again, I always was in a way
I just didn't know it

You told me that it didn't matter
that they couldn't separate us; no matter what
that you would never let me go
and you kept your promise
but I can’t keep mine

The words “I’m sorry”
come to my head
but those aren't the right words
because I’m more than sorry
I’m bleeding
I’m crying
I’m devastated
I’m torn
I’m broken
and perhaps that’s why I can’t keep my
Okay?Okay promise to you
because no, I am not okay
and you deserve so much more
and this is not okay
me lying to you through a computer screen is
not okay
me putting my gashes of regret on my arm is
not okay
me making you wait only for you to find a fraction of the girl I was is
not okay

and that is why
today during Calculus I
I will finish this ****** poem
and excuse myself and go to the girls’ bathroom
and cry my eyes out after sending this to you

I should end this with a ‘goodbye’
because there’s no use giving you false hope
but I can’t bring myself to end there
so I’ll just say something
and hope that you still remember what it means

P.S. I’ll always love you

(h.l.)
^who catched the song reference and the book reference? No one? Okay. Inspired by a wattpad story that I cannot fathom to remember
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Sep 2014 · 242
Exit 95
heather leather Sep 2014
Exit 95
i.
I'm close to exit 95
and I'm halfway to freezing
but still too shocked to do anying about it
My head is pounding and I'm pretty sure I'll sleep and
not wake up until midnight tomorrow
But all I'm thinking about is how desperately
I want to exit
I don't know what I want to escape I just know that I do
That's a lie
I want to escape my mind but that seems far fetched
so for now escaping my life will have to do
ii.
Say Something just started
and I switched the station because I thought the song was cliche
That's another lie
That's the thing about me, I lie a lot
mostly to myself
I use to love that song
But now it just makes me think too much and
my thoughts are stars that are better left without forming
Constellations
iii.
I see a girl in a car and she's smiling
It reminds me of my innocence and how I use to smile
when did I stop smiling?
iv.
My phone rings again and I know its you because
no one else cares that much as to actually call me
my hands tighten around the wheel
and I'm finding it hard to breathe
and soon I'm crying and for some reason
I wish suddenly that I could drown in my tears
and let them suffocate me
v.
there is a car that's about to hit me
but I'm not worried about the pain because
pain is mental and I lost my mentality the second
I realized I was in love with--


(h.l)
last poem for a while :(
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Aug 2014 · 256
The Pages of A Book
heather leather Aug 2014
The Pages of A Book
He is like a page from a book;
and I don't want to finish
I.
I guess I should start off by how we met
we met at a place that was supposed to put our lives on the right path
and I'm pretty sure our first conversation was based on either music or books
and because I'd never met a boy that liked; let alone read John Green
I decided that he wasn't that bad at all
and I suppose he thought I wasn't that bad either
II.
I don't exactly know when it happened, but suddenly
we were best friends
he was the one that I would tell all my secrets too; and he became the first person
that read my poetry
and I would read his too, of course
and suddenly
there was this unexplainable attachment to the boy that loved the Beatles
I'd never actually cared so much for someone who wasn't family
but to be honest, at this point he knew more about me then most of my family did
and I was more than okay with that
III.
the thing is, when you care for someone so much, you don't really realize it until they're gone
it wasn't that big of a deal
I was mad at him for something so stupid that I'm mad at myself thinking about it
I only stayed mad a couple of hours; of course,
how could you stay mad at the one person who understands you better than you do
yourself?
But in the heat of madness, I imagined my life without him, and it was then that I realized
I could never be mad at him; not really
because he was too important for me to even think about losing
that was when I realized that I loved the boy who loved the Beatles
lV.
I don't know what to do without him
I don't know what to do without his poems and his songs
I don't know what to do without his death threats and his accent impressions
I don't know what to do without his supporting hugs and his reassuring smiles
I don't know what to do without him
V.
He is a page from a book;
and this is the last chapter; and it is ending soon
but
there's always a sequel
                                                        
­(h.l)
for a.m. (how did I forget the dedication I don't know I'm insane)
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Aug 2014 · 219
Born Broken
heather leather Aug 2014
Born Broken
The thing about me is
nothing happened to me
nothing that warrants me thinking that I'm
damaged
I wasn't traumatized
My family wasn't bad
I wasn't bullied or teased

I was, to put in the most simplest form,
Born broken

Nobody had really broken my heart
My heart was just made to be broken

I was lucky
There really isn't any other way to see it
I wasn't born with an incurable disease
My parents weren't mean or even remotely abusive

There isn't anything to blame for how I turned out

You see, the thing with me is, I was
Born broken
A cracked star that faded a little everyday
and nothing had happened to me

maybe that was the problem

Or maybe damaged things weren't meant be healed and I will just spend my days writing sad poetry and thinking sad thoughts

But that isn't really that bad

After all, I was born broken and nothing about my life was meant to be whole
Idek
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