and I'm the particular one
when it's my problem, shoulder shun
disregarded, obsession mute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
please help me, I can't control it
long to be free, not throw a fit
full perspective, issue minute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
love, despite my longing order
when found secure, no disorder
different when it's - you - refute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
and I'm the particular one
sister quarrel, deeper dispute

Waves are rolling in,
inching closer to my feet,
crawling up the sand.

tucked in tight, eyes wide and bright
squirrelly in anxious anticipation
counting sheep endlessly
laying still to no avail
tomorrow, filled with presents and cookies and Grandma's cookies
tomorrow, "Oh boy! I've waited all year for this!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She crawls into bed with her husband's snoring head
the day she tarried away: cooking, cleaning
modern day Martha
doubts arise, has she done enough?
Is the table set just right?
"Oh me, oh my! I must've forgotten something!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She inches wearily to her lonely bed
she slips into her nightgown, red
lying awake, her chest aching; empty
tomorrow she'll be able to forget
if not for an hour, at least a moment few
she wraps herself in her Savior's embrace and closes her eyes

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

...as every Christmas wish was being fulfilled.

you're supposed to nourish me
instead, I only despise
that head and gut disagree
sitting behind a plate of lies
she bows her head and cries
I envy you, enjoyer of food
from the ashes she will rise?
my perspective, chronically skewed
everyone, easy to delude
the beast inside growls for help
to change the way her grub is viewed
crimson slashes, a silent yelp
sustenance, quick to be sick
slip into the stall and snick, snick, snick...

clinging to man's empty praise
never gets one very far
surely searching for all your days
the road is sure to leave a scar
not ever brimming, never bubbling
jealous of the overflowing
this lifestyle is sure troubling
anything but easygoing
contingent on love deprivation
show me I'm of worth and saving
diagnosed: emotional starvation
see me, my white flag I'm waving
scared and broken, feeble waif
love me, hold me 'til I feel safe

doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity
unrealized with-it-ness, lies lure
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
clouded by confusion, dreams obscure
brink of ideal, required audacity
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity

real intentions, sensitive beware
meaning in translation lost
pretty perfection cost
living my perception care
haunting habit, like a snare
impression purity, sure to exhaust
even ideal, lines will be crossed
observant to privy glare
but despite cutting tale
above all hearsay lies,
to society, still you avail
her pleasant guise
her incurable ail
many a mortal, you they prise

lost
vision
perspective
identity
labeled; boxed in; trapped
Who am I? Who am I?
words offered and rejected
Was I ever really found?
questioning Providence, sov'reign plans
hopeless, worthless, careless, less, less, and less
heartbroken, loving eyes watch me stagger
rudimentary fundamentals
Sunday school rhymes, 'tis precious now
oh, take me back to the start
teach me again my name
Who am I? Who am -
free and redeemed,
forgiven;
now I'm
found

mimicking my tears, rain plummets to earth
driblets escaping, a plashet appears
caressing the window and kissing the street
elusively pleasant, ambiguously received
beads race down my windowpane
showers of comfort, salient skies of gray

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

perspective is important here
clouded minds find solace
whilst sunny cerebrums, unable to associate
ideas of positivity in days so gray
in one corner: better than resorting to a pill
the other: worse than spouse found unfaithful
opinions pitted, popular pins eccentric
one, two, three, four... will rain redeem their rapport?

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

rain, rain, go away
dark and dreary, "shame you!"
a lesson taught, not genetic
sheets of rain, stale excuse to stay
but I, but I - bid the day hello
when rolling clouds greet my morning breath

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

***** lips that've been caressed,
This is your Sunday best

tattered denim, ***** plaid;
This is his Sunday best

too-short of a sundress hanging on an inked shoulder,
This is her Sunday best

sobbing, screaming, squirrelly;
This is their Sunday best

tear-stained eyes and a wrinkled blouse;
This is my Sunday best

wrapped in your embrace, fears erase
sole act of vicarious kindness
naught benevolence, sincere face
from you: security, guidance

uneasy apprehension, stilled
acceptance of endless madness
fatherly void, pleasantly filled
from you: security, guidance

nostalgic'ly nestled; hidden,
serene poise, sharing my sadness
dismal submission: forbidden  
from you: security, guidance

wrapped in your embrace, fears erase
from you: security, guidance

feathr'y
flowy
fluffy
flouncy
floating in her feath'ry, flowy tutu
layered pink, fluffy, flouncy; sous-sous

understanding the move, loving you so
a calling, ready or not, there you go

phases of bitter and phases of sweet
primary reaction: ignore, there you go

tend the thought, no matter, hour approaches
wasted or treasured, the choice is yours, there you go

final moments so precious, holding dear
a culmination of the years, there you go

"I will follow", obedient response
misunderstood and despised, there you go

perspective reached, model life's hardest cry
to know and to love yet - go, there you go

pondered assurance of lasting friendship
with tears, she bids you goodbye, there you go

Happy yet sad, a conundrum of sorts
accept to love you from far, there you go

satisfied with devotion, love ceased not
displeased with the distance, but there you go

She can't wait to fly, to make you so proud
substitute dad, I love you, there you go

There you go.

things. things. things. stuff. things. junk.
never settled, nothing ever satisfies
one more item in the cart, "kerplunk!"
material things will fill you up -- lies.
find yourself always wanting more.
bloat your house with toxic excess
greedy lifestyle, He does abhor
Who are you trying to impress?
the problem lies not in quantity
it's where you're finding security
if you lack hope of real quality,
look to the One of everlasting surety
tangible guarantee will never compare
to the Lord of earth and water and air

calling me, ensuring our safety
worried, affection unequaled
and this wasn't the first time
"better safe than sorry"
unparalleled bunch,
forever friends,
genuine
unmatched
love

wrap me gently
in the folds of your embrace
keep me safe
protect me from invading lies

enemies of insecurity
marauders of my solid foundation

from the gentle touch of my sensitive,
morning skin
to
the depths of my guarded,
bruised heart

you blanket me
safekeeping sanctuary

you insulate my broken shards
you restore a safe place
for me
to break
down

the warmth of your enveloping arms
the fullness I find in your hold
the love that sings me to sleep

with a soft smile hanging on my lips

pivotal point.
crucial chronology.
momentous moment.
determining decision.
essential epoch.

moseying or marching; I'll make it through
even if I have to do it without you
tarry temporary; watch me, I'll fly
trying 'til I'm dying; I'll touch the sky
looking past the dark and up ahead
etched & wounded; woven scarlet thread

amateur meets expert
ignorance breeds dependence
swaying, your stable stance steadies me
falling down, falling for you
like blue and orange, you complement me
drowning in depths, azure eyes

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

miles don't mute the-get-to-know-you
scale the discrepancy, commonalities prevail
what I lack, you provide - ideal duo
I'm convinced, you complete me
provide my mind temporal vacation
reciprocated affection, mutual frustration
intimidating expanse kills strong pursuit
drawn to effeminate magic, sidestepping honesty

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

How long will you let your head win?
Give in, resist evident infatuation no longer
hourglass hope, dwindling inevitably
Am I lost in perception?
desperate for guidance and direction
let me in or let me go

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

trudging, I move along
time hesitates not a moment
the frantic beat
causes disarray within
tick, tick, tick

inadequate; alone
fears forms:
shiny, sticky palms
short breath
knotted throat
nothing in; watch out
don't cry, you baby
wait! I'm not finished yet!
tick, tick, tick

left behind
a step or two, trailing my peers
in the distance, I see them
sometimes, the dust from their steps
fills my lungs
and empties me of hope
to catch up
to reach Good Enough
to jump onto the train of contentedness
tick, tick, tick

Is my race less than?
Is my fight inferior?
Time ticks on.
Others charge forward.
Frozen, I fear.
tick, tick, tick

manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
quiet support, ED defeat
oh, take me back to the start
malnourished security, forget smart
hiding, lying; turned an art
freedom's sound, so sweet
manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
empty soul matches her cart
dizzy barrage of number and chart
needing love, forced to eat
never feeling full, complete
look beside you, I won't dart
manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
quiet support, ED defeat
oh, take me back to the start

fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low
natural rhythm, no need to fret
to and fro, ebb and flow

neglecting to rise, like unyeasted dough
soaring on contrails, altitude of a jet
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low

deep affection, closer we grow
relationship roulette
to and fro, ebb and flow

distraught, distracted, distanced even though
overwhelming love, won't soon forget
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low

unshakeable strength, despite a blow
hesitant paralytic, one sure regret
to and fro, ebb and flow

So, let His mercy flow
graciously affectionate, result: love, no threat
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low
to and fro, ebb and flow

younger than me, but I'm jealous of you
oh, the headache that ensues
incessant "If you only knew..."
destined destiny, no more excuse
scared therefore silent; reality: nothing to lose
just as unsure, strangely comparable
futile alibi for intimidation's recuse
idle, unmoving; regret unbearable
thought alone, even more terrible
questions surround my small comfort zone
pray for relationship repairable
not broken, but opportunity blown
caustic, coping laughter, you see
I like you, and you like me.

raised to listen to the boys in blue
shoot straight, the straight and narrow
protect and serve, even the sparrow
respect, honor; intimidating crew
sirens squeal, lights flash
license, registration; rehearsed line
unfastened belt, unheard as I opine
"No buckle? Ma'am you're gonna crash"
the belt that caused my stomach to rip?
the belt that killed by grandfather?
Why should I bother?
but thanks for the tip
free to choose what matters most
'cause in the end, we're all toast

Oh, to know what You know.
to see the grand blueprint of the intricate design of

my life, my life.
The mirrors are fogged.
Roll down your sleeve
smear away the gray

I dream of the moment,
long-awaited and so, so sweet
to trace the angles of your face with my hand
to carelessly fall into your embrace

Momma always said to
find the corner pieces first
but I just fudge the pieces to fit
I dizzy myself with my own desires

Be unto me the cornerpiece, --  the foundation of my life

Nearsighted and naive
Lord, give me eyes to see
interim apathy will serve
a deeper purpose

Rest, my thoughts
Ease, my mind
You are fully known.

bitter yet sweet
tired not beat
light though dark
friendly shark
disguised deceit

tempting cheat
meet then fleet
flood and the ark
life, a daunting dichotomy of troubling truths

sugary treat
one-way complete
aftermath of spark
equivalent talk and hark
irrelevant elite
life, a daunting dichotomy of troubling truths

imminent distance looms
but naught to fear
though I shed an easy tear -
like flowers of April, love blooms
a growing gap, empty rooms
a lasting tie, I hold dear
love won't wane but wax by year
my guarded heart, he exhumes
enjoys me, accepts me, deciphers my art
wrapped in embrace, I'll forget never
healing, security, warmth - tranquil heart
inexplainable and sincere, leave it there -
a love that enjoys when together
and endures when apart

child's pose, crumpled like a rough draft
can't curl up any tighter,
she burrows within her protective shell

she begs aloud for reprieve
from the air she breathes
the depths of her soul cry

sutured sadness manifests in untamed tears

the atmosphere is weighted;
with effort, she fill she fills her lungs
with life

silent, stagnant, stale.
permanent, powerless position
time won't stop; she falls behind

running in place, motion averted
the fight within her is gone
her whimpers interrupted --

with a knock

his arms, safe and secure,
gently lift her weary soul
dawn breaks

this fear is not irrational, it's real
I yearn to be longed for
you can't tell me how I feel
physical is easy, boys don't adore
they are just looking to score
the days stretch out long
kiss, squeeze - tell me I'm worth more
alone, how long can I be strong
solitude feels plainly wrong
pleading, "stay by me"
life is better with you along
you hold my heart, don't flea
"be dependent, that's the answer"
your advice is worse than cancer

bitterness, resentment, and envy
looked upon with disdain unmatched
crippling lack of confidence,
plagued with a jaundiced eye
security gone
incompetent
feelings now
haunt me
help

dear dumb deer,
gentle though I am
I wish the worst for you

When you jolted my car,
you set fire to a flame that
even Smokey can't contain

Like a stone cast in water,
your effects reverberated
loud through my house

your innocence
your ignorance
caused me many tears

cosmetic costs the least of my cares
You hit me way worse
echoes of him curse, curse, curse.

Timidly, I let my feet touch the ground
With hesitation, I embrace the day

Your words are like acid in my open wounds
Don’t you see them?
lines of shame
veins to drain the evil within
mirrors of toughened tissue
that had no other choice
jagged attempts

you pour into me
sugar sweet, now bitter
it stings
stop hurting me
my heart
aches
i hate you

don't leave me

dark, yet a light
dead, yet alive
scared, but secure
falling, yet rising
mistakenly honest
quiet demeanor,
loud thoughts
clear vision,
clouded past
looking but found
in love that lasts
perceived put together,
feeling rendered
joyful, yet sad
holding to what
once had
simple complexity
twenty year kid
plainly average,
but extraordinarily rare
staying, but going
repulsive, want to
be worth holding
secluded isolation,
yet forever embrace
carve myself
into your brain,
forgettable girl
world in her hands
she's got it all
wrong
included,
still excluded
closely far
helping the hurt
feeding the emptiness

loved, yet forgotten

tiny, blue frame; dented and worn
weak whisper, fragile heart
means that allowed, a quiet trust to born
silent cries, a retrospect start

impossibly ignored, bold change
you first, a timely trade, pre-arranged
confident, commanding; one-eighty in stride
elated; awaiting the destination of this ride

unswervingly unsure, but
naturally seeking praise
lost in fluctuating status
overt critic; herself
cutting the repulsive
knowing the faulty cure
each thought convinced,
deemed unworthy

poetically sad
open to love not
timid, she crawls out
every ray shines down
numb to passes
thriving, cage ajar
in total abandon
assuredly she flies
leaving him behind

caged, trapped, whimper in defeat
submitting to her perceived superior
insecurity, her attribute - firm and austere
previous pang builds walls of concrete
lies she believes, deception so sweet
each hour, deteriorates her interior
truth - she cannot grasp it - ulterior
her fists bleed, the steel cell she beats
dangling in reach, the key, the key!
your wrists no longer in a bind
understand now, the cage is in your mind
strive forward, no need to plea
Love propels you from behind
fly, girl, you are free

lost cause.
too much to handle.
unworthy, gross.
psychotic.
scaring even me.
unclean.
falling short.
unaccepted.
lacking.
lots of thigh.
no guy, no guy.
*****.
deserving of this

abuse, abuse, abuse.

cold, in the ground
memories lost,
morning frost.
groggy sound
intriguing resound.
familial contact tossed
layaway, high the cost
no fireplace recounts abound
one of five
inexplicable tragedy
attempt at Gatsby
his history contrive,
implore, answers fragile
the handful uncovered - ghastly

breathe in, the fog begins to lift
deceit precedes despair
lungs, a stranger to fresh air
fear creates many a rift
through the haze, does she sift
her load hard to bear
heart rejecting amour and care
perspective is a gift
follow the bread crumb trail
and you will arrive face to face
with the Father of lies
one by one, his intent to derail
so sweet the deceit, difficult to erase
On guard! or yours will be the hands in ties

His promises are true for you
Earthly strivings, they can cease
Mere mention of His name is peace
bid those lies adieu,
You have life in His name, too!
As His presence in my life increase,
He puts broken parts together, piece by piece
If in Him, you are a creation - new
Live in the words of the Resurrection
empowered to live by faith
think and believe are contradictory
Jesus loves you, no exception!
"His promises are true," I saith
In Him, we have victory!

gnarled like teeth, twisted IV and  
no thought common sensical, but
skewed thoughts burning calories
hospitals, helping hands
ignorant to this:
emotional,
physical,
I am
sick.

temptation rages
a habit of youth
trapped in my mind's cages
grasping for truth
now I know better
desperate for release
find comfort in my sweater
fight to be grounded in peace
war within my own mind
you turned things around
with love and hugs entwined,
my walls, I let you break down
One day, I hope that it will be
just one of those things that made me who I ought to be -- free.

deficient of any real love
in image or from kiosk, lack thereof
paternal obscurity
search for quelle of security
cherished adoration from Above

falling on the window pane
the sound of rain
questioning quelle of bane
a self-inflicted chain
mutilation deign
take away the pain
arm slain
blood stain
habit wane
I abstain
love attain
confidence campaign
looks of disdain
free from your reign
I'm not insane
treat me humane
pulsing vain
life mundane
help me obtain,
regain,
remain...

love.

secret isolation, best effort to hide
uncertain reply, when confronted I've lied
explanation escapes me, hard to defend
sincere self malice, to this vice I append
commonly pity, never love; lines eyed

misunderstood, breath of relief; brief reside
calming warmth runs down my arm, loony implied
appalling the stranger, understanding friend
Take with you the culprit, I offer to you

genuine compassion, all judgment aside
gentle and doting despite red tears I've cried
embarrassed Achilles wrist; don't condescend
perceived unshakeable, now I see an end
silent, spoken: vicarious Love; tears dried
Take with you the culprit, I offer to you

Let's have a do over.
Try again.
Let me start over.
Let's go back in time;
rewind.
Let's be friends again.

sensitive, internally torn
wrist, red and worn
delicate heart,
temptations start

beautiful blade, rescue me please
slicing with ease
purposeful heed
one thing I need

staged compassion, patience worn thin
imposed chagrin
desperate cries
sigh, blood red eyes

downhill despair
of real concern
depression looms
help, save me soon
I know it's bad
lost ambition
to write, to breathe
synonymously
solitude strikes
words leave, as do you
goodbyes too soon
make me feel safe
hold me longer
I'm looking for
something,
someone,
anyone...


gone.