My new years resolution was to be more vulnerable
But nobody told me how weak weakness makes you feel
Roads so shut off I don’t even know where this avenue belongs
I wanna get back on the sidewalk where things are easier
Where  the echoes of my footsteps feel safe
Where my shadow doesn’t chase me with regret

But I think about the sun on my back in that unfamiliar place,where i once strayed
The way the black asphalt made me feel in the heat
The excitement I felt passing signs that warn don’t enter
The burning, in my toes, the warmth, that made me feel alive
Even if it was just for the moment
On this black pavement I can run
Places that the sidewalks never took me
A life that I’ve never been able to experience
All roads aren’t dead
But most don’t deserve a home to be built on them
It was fun while it lasted, a confession I must admit

This aching feeling will subside
Vulnerability heals,
The sidewalk is always there for safety
Sometimes the pain of barefoot heels on unknown roads is how we grow
A resolution worth its pain

let me cry
Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Manuscript of an unbeating heart

I walk the same path everyday and pass an abandoned lot filled with dirt

I watch the yellow flowers grow each spring in the rubble of what once was a home to somebody

And i wonder how they continue to grow, how the petals continue to grow,  through the neglect

Untaken care of and beaten down, by earth itself, but fed by a soil that keeps its heart beating

Continuing to paint beautiful bright colors of yellow and green in a field of black. Surrounded by life unbeating, but pulsating louder than a battlefield of drums.

Get used to it

Thoughts so intrusive I wonder how thin of a line lies between regret and morality
There was a time when someone told me that its possible to get used to anything
That wounds heal, feelings fade, people are easy to replace
I find comfort in the elasticity of emotions but question just how comfortable i should be
My fingertips, coated in cherry red, dripping with blood,fresh with ******
No longer cause me to tremble from killing what once existed
My words shackled deep into the caves of confession no longer try to run away
The echo of your voice meant everything to me but this silence envelopes me like a warm blanket
Hands covered in the remaining decay of 18 years of life, are easily washed off
I think about how easily the rest of me could be stripped away
I welcome the thought with sincerity
My face is covered in everything but what is expected- tears
I wonder how long I’ll go to sleep feeling like this
Comfortable in a sunflower field of anguish
You told me I could get used to anything
But those were words I could never get used to

The sun shines a million miles high as I sit on its beams
I jump to the clouds and visit the moon
I play with Saturn’s rings
And wave to Uranus
I stray far from Earth and picture myself
Floating forever in the comfort of zero gravity oblivion
I never look down and skip my way to Mars
I hold my breath and imagine a life far away from mine