You've finally showed me
what love is.

if i didnt
care so much
id do it in
an
instant

And I will run until
I find my peace

Love isn't real,
and I'm not trying to
be poetic
and compare it to
the "love" I
supposedly felt for
you.
Love is made up,
an idea.
There is no
fully
loving someone.
I am saying this
to remind myself.
Love is not real.
It's not poetic.
It's not sad.
It's not real.
You must understand
to love,
right?
You must know
to love,
right?
Understanding
and
knowing someone
fully
is not possible.
Love is not real.
Just a reminder.

stop crying.
dont eat.
forget about it.
stop ******* crying.
you dont need food.
hes never going to like you.
stop crying.
she hates you.
stop crying
stop thinking about food.
dont bathe.
stop crying.
dont get up.
no school work.
he's better than you.
stop crying.
she takes pity on you.

stop.
crying.

Always boasting my emotions
On how I'm so ******* broken
Think I'm joking
When I'm talking
About blowing my head open
Till the moment you walk in
And find my body motionless
Wrists slit

I've found a home
in a new pair of
eyes.

How did I
ever love
you?

Your smell stained my pillow again.
Your snores rang in my ears.
My head was buried in your chest.

And I've never felt so at peace in my life.

It's 8:00pm
and Carlos picks me up.
Full bottles of ***** litering his
floorboards.
Hartwell in the passenger seat,
I sit behind him.
Leila in the middle
and Will on the far left.
Will is already drunk

It's 9:00pm
and I walk into Dylan's house.
Loud music blaring from his speakers.
My bag on the ground,
the ***** and beer on the table.
I mix the drinks because Leila doesn't know how.

It's 10:00pm
and every one is here.
Will and I sit together.
He is so drunk, and I am named the babysitter.
I make small talk while sipping the horrible jungle juice Leila ****** up.
My jungle juice was better.
I hand Robbie a 10.
He buys more Mountain Dew to mix more.

It's 11:00pm
and I get a call from Joseph.
"Is it weird if I stop by?"
I utter no and ask Mr. Ed for the address.
I run inside to tell Leila.
She hands me a shot of fireball.
I threw it back like a pro.
Luke hands me the jungle juice.
I chug.

It's 11:15pm
and Joseph calls
"I'm outside."
I walk by Will to act normal.
"I want ******* hookers and blow."
He's ****** up.
He looks up behind me,
and I turn around.
Joseph towers over me,
and without thinking I throw my hands around him.
I'm choking back tears.

It's 11:30pm
and I drunkenly drag Joseph outside.
He knows I want to talk.
No words,
only tears.
I cry into his arms for what seems like forever.
He promises to never leave me again.

It's 11:50
and Dylan yells for every one to go outside.
The countdown begins.

It's 11:59
and we wait.
5..
4..
3..
2..
1..
"HAPPY NEW YEAR."
Carlos is the first to hug me.
Will passes out on a car.

It's 12:03am
and I try to wake Will up.
He finally comes to it.
He somewhat runs inside for more alcohol.
I hastily follow.

It's 12:10am
and Carlos is pouring shots of ***** for the 3
of us.
We drink.
Carlos runs to the sink.
I get him water.
Every one comes back inside.

It's 12:15am
and Carlos hands me champagne
which he refused to give to anyone else.
I drink.

It's 12:30am
and Joseph has to leave.
I beg him not to.
He says he'll see me Saturday.

It's past 1:00am
and Will is in sick in the bathroom.
I take care of him.
Leila comes in
and makes herself puke because she drank too much.
Will cries because he doesn't like seeing his sister like that.
I hold him.

It's past 2:00am
and Carlos is the first one out.
We find spots to sleep.
I'm sandwiched between a snoring Carlos
and a different Joseph on the sofa.
Will is at the bottom.
Hartwell sleeps on the floor.

It's past 3:00am
and every one is alseep.
I lie awake thinking how good it is
to start 2016 this way.

I sat here and wrote
10 different
******* poems
on being 17

All I can say is

I should have not
grown up so ****
f a s t .

And maybe that's where
you and I
went wrong

You refused to
grow up
as I kept maturing
and started realizing how
****** up we were

I grew up and realized
I can't live in the
shadow of you
making sure every ****
move I make
would be approved by you

I grew up and realized
the jealousy was only tearing
us a part because
you didn't want me
but you didn't want
anyone else to have me

I grew up and realized
I deserve so much more than
what you were giving me
and what you were giving me
was never genuine and true

I grew up and realized
I'm now 17
my life as a
teenager will soon be over
and I have to grow the **** up

I grew up and realized
you will not be around after high
school
we will be old best friends

I grew up and realized
it's over
and you are now nothing
but a mistake.

one day i will be able
to listen to
our
song without hearing
you
in every word.

I swear I will not
overthink
you
this time.

I will not act
on my feelings,
only because I
care about
one of my best friends.

We have not
stopped
talking.

Constantly
back
and
forth.

I think you could
be good for me,
but we will never
know because
I care about
her
too much.

I am convinced
I will never love
again.

i can never love someone
as much as i do you,
and i am *******
*terrified

The heavens
can only cry
for so
long.

I swore
you were an
engravement on my heart.

I loved you from
a distance,
short of a stop.

You left,
without a
note left in my
pocket.

I have torn
ideas of what we
were and what
have always been.

A flower
that will never
bloom again.

Your touches
are burns on my skin.

A sting that will
not fade.


You were an engravement
that was never on my
heart,
only a memory
on my
skin.

Freshman year was
a time of change.
New school,
new faces,
new obsticles,
new feelings.

Freshman year was
6th hour math,
where I met you.

Freshman year was
a meeting,
a greeting,
a new start.

Sophomore year was
full of new feelings,
a new perspective.

Sophomore year was
a broken heart,
a disppointment.

Sophomore year was
experimentation,
a new feeling of love.

Sophomore year was
warm in your arms,
a safe haven with you.

Junior year is
scary,
a complete change.

Junior year is
mistakes made,
and loss of a loved one.

Junior year is
learning,
and forgiveness.

Junior year is
unsafe without you,
and a death sentence.

Senior year will be
terrifying,
choices that have to he made.

Senior year will be
breaking away from you,
taking the next step in our lives.



Our years together have and always will be
the best years
of my life.

I can't quite explain
how this happened
and why.
But I can't
stay away from your
touch,
smell,
love.
You couldn't stay
away from me.

I've been afraid
all my life.
I've waited for
you.
I never expected
someone like you.
I couldn't predict
you would mean this much
the day I first saw you.
You are my world.

Many wait a life time
for a person that would
fill the emptiness in
their heart.
Some die still waiting
for that stinging touch
from a special loved one.

I'm lucky.
You found me.

I don't know and
can't know what tomorrow,
next week,
next year,
next decade
will bring.

All I know is that
when I walk
into the Commons
of the center of my
school,
I swear I will weep in
your arms.

"I can't do this anymore.
I need you."

It's a blur.
All a blur.
You.
Me.
Us.
What happened?
I'm so messed up.
I can't breathe.
Why would you?
How could you?
Do I mean nothing?
Have I always meant nothing?
Why now?

I can't go back.

I'm moving on.
It's over.
We're done.

I'm giving you up.

They'll be lucky
if I don't **** myself
after the month is over.

It's amazing how
not leaving your bed
for 2 days can take a
toll on you.

I've cried more
times than I can
count.

I've imagined
killing myself.

I've remembered
memories.
Ones that I never
want to forget.
And those that I
torcher myself over.

I've made myself
physically sick,
and I haven't eaten.

I blame you.
I blame us.
I blame you for
what I've become.

I wouldn't have been
caught that night if it weren't for
you.

I was with a boy that
distraced myself from
you.

A boy that I dreamed of
hanging out with.

You.
You ruined it.
You ruined me.
You used me.
You took advantage of me.

You said that I shouldn't
distance myself because
it scares you that I might not
come back.

Be ******* afraid.
I'm not attached at your
hip anymore.
I'm free from your grip.

You gave my friend
a death glare because you
hate him.
You hate him because I'm
friends with him,
and I refuse to talk to you.

You're mad because I
smoked my lungs
out with Dylan.
You didn't even ask if
I was okay after I had
been caught.

Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

I hope you torcher yourself
to the very core
that you lost me.
I hope that it haunts you
that I might not come
back.
I hope that you're
terrified of me hurting
myself.

You live your life,
and I'll live mine.

Handcuffed and I thought of you
I made love and I thought of you
My Daddy died, I just thought of you
My Sister cried and my Mama too
I got a place and I thought of you
I tried to decorate and I thought of you
I'm seeing red but I'm singing blue
I never knew what black and white would bring you too

i got caught
trying to rid
the thought of
you.

I
regret
the
day
I
met

you.

Just for 72 hours
I want you gone.

I want to not feel my
legs,
and I don't want to feel my
heavy heart.

For just three
*******
days I want you gone.

I want you to be
dead to me.

The constant jealousy game
is getting old.

Me hanging out with people
you don't like me to
hang out with,
(especially boys).

You talking to
boys I do not
approve of,
and telling me about
every detail.

I'm sick of
all of this.

I'm asking,
just 72 hours,
I want you
*gone.

my skin stained
every memory of you
the pain of the moment
will last a life time
and remind me of a love
i can never forget

It was normal
My head on your chest
and your arms clutching mine
your smell staining my pillows and
how you lay so close to me

It was normal
You touching me
in ways I loved so much
me touching you in ways
that made u groan

It was normal

It's not normal that we
hold each other so close
and your breath on my neck
you sleeping in ny arms
and your head buried in my neck

It's not normal
that your other friends think you're
prudish and unlike you for me to be that close
and that you are nothing like how you are
with them around me

It's not normal
that you are the single person I feel
most comfortable with in this world
and you are the first person that has made me
feel so alive

It's not normal,
it never was normal,
but it's so right.

I look for you in
every song.

I can never catch
a break.

It's a constant struggle of
words thrown like daggers
and others putting me down
like their least favorite book.

When will I ever be
good enough?

If god was real,
he would not be this cruel.

From the abuse of my mother
to the shrugging shoulders of my friends,
and a broken heart that will never be
repaired.

A daughter with no
mother
and no
father.

A friend with no
will
and no
way.

A burn on flesh
and the scars in between.

A love that no one else
will return.

A death wish
wished upon a shooting star.

Don't you see?
I'm begging for help.

Will he be distant?
Is it going to be different?
How different will it be?
Will he not cuddle into my side?
Is he going to put his head on the opposite side of the bed?
Will he not let me hold him just like all the other days before?
Will I not feel his breath down my neck as he sleeps so soundly?
Will I not see his tired eyes as he wakes?
Will he no touch me as he use to?
Will I ever hear his heart beat again?

Is this the end?

We will both take that
commitment
of the
picture engraved into
our skin.

A pain that we caused to
each other,
on our own terms.

A way that you
can't forget me,
and I can never forget you.

When I'm old and gray,
I will be reminded of the
days where I was 16,
vulnerable and
stupid.
But a mistake
that I will never regret.

You will be on me
for the rest of my life.
Forever.
And ever.

You will stain my skin
with that memory
that I will never be able to forget.

A pain that will remind me of
you for the rest of my life.

And this is the only
way you actually
wanted to hurt me.

He left his heart in my chest,
and that is the only thing I have left.

3 years later,
and im still
doing the
same **** i did
back then.

i did it once

so why not again

im digging the hole again.
and no one
can
stop
me.

and when i saw him
he didnt know
of the burn
in my flesh.

the rush came back.
it was the best ive felt in 3 years.
better than anything you could give me.

a promise was broken.
many promises were broken.
im broken.

but the rush was better than what i felt
the night we hooked up.
so much better.

youre scared.
you know what im capable of.
and that scares you.

you dont understand the rush.
the feeling of being human
after youve felt nothing for so long.

im sure the shadows watched.
they always do.

you wont find out.
im not going to tell you.
and things have changed, so you
wont see.
it all worked out in my best interest.

i will talk to you tomorrow
like nothing happened last night.
and you will be oblivious.
im **** good at wearing a mask,
and you just found that out.

you wont be able to tell what im
hiding behind that mask.
you havent encountered it enough.

youre more scared of losing me
than im scared of losing myself.

im a galaxy
and youre
a million
miles
away

"Literally I think your ******* possessed the devil is some scary **** I don't **** with that"

he now knows
how crazy
i actually
am
and i have
never been
so scared of
that in my life

I hope to god
when you look at the red bruise
on your arm
you think of me.

I can still taste you
I can still hear your moans ringing in my ears
I can still feel your body heat in my side

I can hear the tone of your voice when you told me
"I don't care"

i do not regret it
i do not feel ****** about it
and i would do it again in a
*heartbeat.

youre everywhere
your smell is clouding my room
stained into my pillows
youre in my favorite song
and our song especially
my skin burns where you touched me
i can still feel your arms around me
i can taste you in my mouth
i can feel your stare melting into my flesh
and your moans ringing in my ears

am i everywhere
what do you think
are you ok
how did you feel about it
did it feel good
would you do it again
were u trembling
was your heart beating faster than the speed of light
will you leave me
did i **** up
was it my fault
how bad did you want it
do you feel bad
were you using me
was it actual feelings
will it happen again
would you let it happen again

when did this happen

all i could hear was my heart
it pounded harder than it ever has
he could probably hear
i was shaking

he wanted it
i wanted it

it was so much different
than the first time

we were sober

what is he thinking

Do you remember that night?
Not that night,
but the night where everything was
simple,
peaceful.

We layed on the trampoline,
it was around 30 degrees outside.

I was cuddled into your side,
your body is always warm.

We stared at the stars.
I can't tell you for how long,
but it felt infinate,
neverending.

Jupiter peaked through an abundance of trees,
you pointed and asked
what planet that was.

I told you of my favorite constellation
and showed you.

Do you remember my favorite
constellation?

More importantly,
do you even remember that night?

Do you remember when you liked me?"
Ha, yeah..
I still can't believe you did.
Yeah..it happens often.

that's a lie
i loved you
i loved you more than anything in this ****** world
it pains me, still, after 5 months
its gotten a whole lot easier being around you
but theres always this feeling, heavily holding my heart down
a feeling you will never find out

You okay? You haven't said anything in a few minutes.
*Yeah, I'm fine. Just got lost in thought.