They say
It looks like I haven't slept in days.
The circles under my eyes
Are darker than the midnight sky.

I look around,
But I do not see.
A part of me
Is empty.

I wish he could feel what I feel,
because not knowing is hurting him so
and the last thing I want to do
is break apart his heart and soul.

He came back for a reason
wish I knew what it was.
I'm still a wreck in a dress
and he's on top of his world.

My heart is a time bomb
always counting down,
ready to explode
I really hope he can get out.

It was only a year ago
When we sat down by the tennis courts
Watching the fireworks.

You put your hand over mine
And I lost track of time
Under the fireworks.

The way you looked at me
Like I was the only thing you could see
While we listened to the fireworks.

Now all this time has passed
What we made was made to last
Because every time you touch me
I can still feel the fireworks.

When he put his hands on me
he took my last bit of dignity.
I pushed him away,
but he kept coming back,
cuffed me to a chair
and touched every part of me.
It was over fast,
but the feeling inside me will never pass.

I loved him the most


And I hurt him the most.

I'm lost in a sea of twisting emotions,
the ship that I'm in
sinking more every second.
One last forceful wave
strikes right in the middle
and the stern and the bow
are now separate pieces.
I can feel myself being pulled under,
into the frigid, black water
I'm holding my breath,
but I can't much longer.
You can't hear me screaming for help,
so I just keep it all to myself
for no one can save me now
as I've already begun to drown.

"Forever," he says to me,
I just wish I knew what he means.
Does he mean forever as in until we die,
or until I annoyed him so much he's had enough?
Does he mean for all of eternity,
or does he use it to shut me up?
Everyone's definition of the word is just so different,
and I don't know his,
the one of most importance.

She whispered,
"I just miss
the little things.
The stuff that seems unimportant
until you realize
it's all that matters.
Like the way he'd pull you in
when he was half asleep
or the way he said
he loved the way you looked in that dress.
So, no, BIG things
aren't a BIG deal,
but the small things,
they can mean the entire world."

Love doesn't come around just to go.
It stays forever,
even if the person never shows.
Love is a constant,
not always easy,
but not always hard.
Love is not something to mess with
it's serious as can be,
but love can also be fun
if you play it the right way.

I can see it still-
Wheels spinning
on the highway.
Only room for us two
that's the way
I always liked it.
Turn the car around,
faster than a bullet.
Your mind changed
faster than I wished it.
Months went by,
talking eased up then stopped.
I was slowly forgetting,
yet somehow
I was keeping it all.
In dreams
and sometimes nightmares,
I saw your face
and I longed for a chance
to feel an embrace.
More months passed,
then I saw you
among the trees and flowers.
I wanted to let you be,
until curiosity got the best of me
and my feet pointed your direction.
And I don't know
what I'll want in the future,
but right now I need an old friend,
I'm not trying to be a bother.
So any time you need me,
I'm not that far out of reach.
Just say you need me
and I'm already there.

I want to tell you a story
of the ones that hurt me before
And maybe that will help my uncover
Why I thought you were different from the others.

I'll start with the one
Who had the most perfect blue eyes
The kind that left you trembling
And always with a smile.

He left me waiting for too long,
Kept me dangling,
Then let me fall.
I fell too soon
And with a crash
I wrecked it all.

The one after that
Restored my faith
In how you should feel
When love comes your way.

He kept me close,
Gently kissed my eyes,
Never made me cry

But I had to let him go
And now he loves someone else
The way he loved me that month.

Not long after,
A hockey player with family problems
Somehow captured my attention
And took me out to have some fun.

Things were good for a while,
But we both messed up
And he stopped answering my calls.

More than a year later
A country boy from the middle of nowhere
Took my heart from the first second.

A week went by
And I think he realized
That I wasn't close to what he really wanted.
He got rid of me so fast
Broke every single promise.

Then there was you.

At first, you tried to pick me up
Convinced me that I was great
I don't know what changed,
Now all I want is a chance.

I saw something different in you
That I know you never saw.
And maybe that scares you
And that's why you ran away so fast and far.

I've finally removed the dirt from my eyes
So the light of the truth blinds me.
How could I have been so naive
To think that we could live in peace?

You shook my walls
And I trembled in fear.
Your words pierced my skin of paper
Left holes large and small.
The intensity of your stare
Glued me to the wall.

But revenge is the sweetest
When it's drizzled and shame
And topped with the pieces of his brain.
You paid too much attention
To keeping me down.
Now I'm successful
And you're empty on the ground.

I don't know if I miss you anymore.
I mean, my chest still aches subtly
And my throat burns when I say your name
And my eardrums explode when I hear someone with your laugh
And I nearly go insane everytime a thought of you pops in my mind
But i don't believe I miss you
Because I haven't called in a while
And I don't ask people how you are
And I'm slowly forgetting the color of your eyes
And I can feel you forgetting me.
I know I still think about you
Just about everyday
But I think I miss the thought of you
More than I miss the person who all the thoughts belong to.

I thought these feelings were gone
but they're still buried deep inside
and you're like a grave digger
Your shovel stabbing at me
sharper than a knife.
You ripped me wide open
you tore me to shreds
and if you asked me to take you back,
my answer would probably be yes.

I know it’s not healthy
The way I act even now
But you’re not much better
Breathing that smoke in and out.
We both got bad habits
Saying we miss each other
But not doing a **** thing about it.

I don't know much but what I do know
Is that I need to get out of this town.
Too many bad memories are causing me to drown.
And I never want to come back
But I don't know how well I can handle the goodbye's
But I need to escape
The fire in their eyes.

If you could just step back for a minute
And peer through the window into my mind
You would see the reason I feel this
You could truly see that I'm not lying.

But we're fighting in circles
And all that makes us is sick
And if this how it will always be
Maybe we should both quit.

And as I sit in misery and anger
I can remember why
I never wanted to feel that again.

I don't want to prolong the fight
If the end results aren't worth the extra mile.
And I don't want to stay with you
If you aren't spending your time with those most worthwhile.

I keep them all loosely wrapped around my finger
Until I need them
And that's when I tighten my grip
Like I'm strangling prey.

And even if we don't talk
You'll always be my favorite hello
And even if I don't realize it
You'll always be the person I miss the most.

Dear boyfriend,
Remember that one time you asked me
if I had ever been in love?
And all I said was yes?
Well that was only half the truth.
I was in love...
I still am in love.

You see,
I believe that people fall in love
But they don't fall out quite as simply.
No matter how much someone hurts you
If you love them,
You always will.

And maybe that sound ridiculous to you
But if it does, tell me
Why do you care so much
About what your she thinks of us
When you told me
You don't give a **** anymore?

Will
        I
          Ever
                  Recover?
Plenty of times I've asked myself.
Even after all these months have flown by,
You're still the way I abide by.

I know it's ridiculous, and strange as well,
And I know if you were going to come back
You already would have.
Still, that changes not a thing.

For summer is approaching
And I'm hoping it will bring
Another chance, a spark, the gleam in those eyes
That I loved so dearly as you laid on my side.

And I don't think I've ever been more encouraged
to be myself,
to be a friend,
to be better than anyone thought.
You've told me so many times
that I don't need a person to make me feel special
because it's not worth the try
if I'm not joyous myself.

Now, my feet are planted firmly on the ground,
even though I allow my head to emerge in the clouds.
At one point my hope was quickly fleeting
But you brought it back, and fortunately
left me with nothing but delightful feelings.

Four days ago,
I was told that you were as good as gone
And I believed in that philosophy
For the life of me.

So I concocted a plan
So nefarious, so devastating
You would never recover.

Today, I received a message
At 10:17 p.m.
Asking me to come back.

I wasn't astonished
Because I knew my scheme would prevail.

Because a guy like you
Cannot stand being ignored
By someone they were trying to disregard.

I'm damaged
                       Torn
                                Shattered
                  ­                               Broken.
I'm that bottle of tequila mostly empty
Dropped on the bathroom floor and forgotten long ago.

In pieces on the floor,
Or whole in the trash...
I'm not sure which one is better.
Either way, I'd be considered no good-
A pile of nothingness.

But I was once useful.
Someone used me to forget
Someone used me to find something
And someone else used me to have fun.
But I've given everything away
I'm used.

And that's why I was left
Shattered on the cold, desolate floor
Empty and drained...
I didn't deserve to be whole-
Even in the trash.

People tell me
That I was alive before you
So I can live without you.
But the truth is
I never was alive until I met you
Everything I felt
It wasn't real.

When you showed up
Everything just bursted with color
And roared to life
As did I
I was strong
And victorious
I was the queen.

And then you left
And everything went gray
And everything fell apart
And that's when I knew it was over.


I was never alive
Just there.

He has
            withered
                           me
                                 away.
I am no longer here.
I may exist
But my presence is not felt,
Not heard,
Not seen.

I am nothing once again.

And I thought I'd never go back...
But now look at where I am.
Sitting in the passenger seat of a minivan
I try to hold back all of the feelings
That have crept forward into my mind.

Today, I saw you.
Also something I've never thought would happen again.
You were driving past in your old, blue F-150.
I only caught a glimpse,
But in that glimpse I saw every hope and dream of us
That I've ever had.
Then I blinked, and it was all over.

And now I might want to plunge my worm and hook
Back into the same lake I found you.
But for all I know
You could be on belonging to another
And I just know that they wouldn't let you go.

I was never enlightened on what to do
When someone shattered my heart,
But it happened anyway.
He took it and crumpled it
Before he went and tore it all apart.
I wasn't taught that you shouldn't look back...
So I learned to cry.
I thought the best was to be bitter
Not to just up and forget it all.
I didn't know that you should smile
And move on with your life.
Make your own joy, because I was all I really had.

All the movies they hadn't done it right.
They didn't show me that you should act
Like nothing was ever wrong.
They didn't tell me that people change and move on.
That's why I didn't know how to respond
When he left me on the street
My hands pressed to my head, my feet chasing after him.

I was never told a person wasn't worth
The pain,
The tears,
The fight,
Simply because no one ever talked about this.
School didn't have a class that eased the heartbreak,
Didn't have any extracurriculars for the ones
Who looked so woebegone over someone
Who never gave a **** about them in the first place.
They never offered up a panacea
For the scholars who thought their life was ending
Because they were lamenting over a pseudo, a sham.
They had classes for foreign languages
And math
And history too.
But not a single class about what to do
About a heart so damaged the loved drained out from the bottom
And created an abyss so deep
Not even Floyd Collins would dare venture in.

So for everyone who's never experienced
A sadness so blue,
I will tell you about what to do.
When you are told not to love someone anymore
Go ahead, continue on
Just don't let him know.
Don't show any emotion when you pass him on the street
Or when you hear his name from across the room.
You can cry, that's acceptable,
But if you ever notice he's watching you
You go on and smile and act like you're having a **** good time.
And maybe you will eventually convince yourself you are.
Maybe not in the next day,
Or month,
Or even year,
But eventually he'll fade from your mind
Like the words written across the mirror with your finger
After a burning hot shower.
And if all else fails,
Just know to never go back
Because, darling, I know you're stronger that that.

I wish he would have told me how to live without him,
Not just that it was a necessity to.
But why do I seem to think I still need him?
Why is is I can't breathe when I don't have him?
I think about him and my chest tightens around my heart and lungs
Like a boa constrictor extracting life from its prey.

He was an awe- inspiring dream for me
Drifting through my dark mind
His resplendence playing through and through.
Even after he was gone
His disposition still shone brighter than a burning star.

I sit and brood, desiring that he'll resurface later in life.
It's all I can really do.
I have no idea where he is now
He could be within proximity
But he also could be a significant distance away.
But still his voice of pure splendor
Resonates in my head
Getting louder
                        And louder
                                           And louder
With each verse thrown at me
With each verse I can still remember uttered from his lips.

I detest the fact he honestly believes
That I'm a better person without him.
How can I be better without him
If he's the one that inspires me to do my best?
When he's the person who comforts the beasts inside my head?
He may not be able to stop the storm
But he's the one to bring an umbrella.
Maybe he can't turn the tide
But he'll bring a life raft for the both of us.
So how could he have the audacity to say something like that
When he doesn't look at the two side of the same coin?

I sit and write poems
Stanza after stanza dedicated to him
Hoping he will one day stumble upon my works
And know- Because if he reads them he will know-
That it was truly all for him.
So I will continue to pour my soul into my oeuvre
And spill my blood on pages.
Pages that will hold the scars,
But most likely never be viewed by the eyes of my beloved,
My world,
My dream,
My heart,
My everything.

Dramatic loops and swirls
Messily covered the manila page
Scrawled too quickly.

His goodbye was too sudden
Just dropping like an atomic bomb over my heart
Destroying everything within proximity.

The lasting effects are stuck on me
An abrasion I carry under my skin
Like a heavy weight everyday.

I passed the pain down to my liver today
Trying to drown out memories
And trying to stop the voice in my head

Stop it from crying
Stop it from yelling his name over and over
Like a broken record stuck on the worst song

But alas nothing has been able to silence myself
Not cheap, bad *** with strangers
Or toxins that help erase images.

I'm stuck in my own mind
Where I'm completely unaccompanied
Except for him, of course.

I've learn to abhor many things such as
The taste of salty, **** tears on my tongue,
The aroma of the dewy, crisp forest floor,
The vision of blue eyes intertwined with bliss dancing away,
The feel of a burning hot neck being pressed on by a gelid nose
The sound of a drowsy midnight voice whispering "I love you."
But it seems that what I've come to execrate
Are the same as what I was once learning to grow fond of.

I've had relationships with many others after you
And in each one it's you I see all the way through.
I sometimes see your eyes or your smile
And that's what makes it all worthwhile.

But the boy I met the other day
He makes your image fade to gray.
Because when I look into his blue eyes
They aren't like yours in disguise.

I wish I could get lost in your eyes
Because I would stay there forever
Clinging to the only thing known
To a mind as lonely as me.

I want to be swept away in your voice
Because I hear it every day
Playing through and through
To a heart that's lacking me and you.