daj, do wynagrodzenia: reszty.
daj: to niby: siebie;
a... dam... dam...
ale pierw: powiem:             to!
(ich) nicht werden
                  geben (ihr) das nacht!
first... i'll punch myself
hard enough to give myself
a plum-eye: ******* pacifists...
and then?
    then i'll strap a trouser belt
to protect my knuckles...
and then... then...
                    then: we'll "talk":
who might find a translator
ready...
   god...
i'm gagging for a
knuckle exchange...
        almost... itching!
like i might await
a shaving... from a Turkish
barber... in Essex...
of all Danish palaces;
and why would i want to allow
consort with these women?
considering the fact that
the russian ones believe in trans-national
grievance taxation:
of someone... who hasn't...
actually died...
              you know what?
*******...
suffer...
       watch me wipe my ***
with a satanic smile
ennobled
by a coulrophobia...
excesses of vogue
                      atypical models...
how is it... that...
coulrophobia doesn't translate
in reverse?
  and what's up
with the black privilege of
jass music, akin to white mozart...
as...  
  sure as ****, the drum would be
the first, and only thing,
prior to the people learning
the ******* clarinet!

oh drop me your ****** ***
holocaust dead bomb
on a polish ***...
     i triple, quadruple dare you!
you *******... ivory coast
   centipede!
               i'm *******...
as watts: wild-eyed...
       unstrap me from this
"unreality" of conversation...
then undo the internet banking...
and the rest of it...

             not adam watts!
    glitter & doom....
who?      tom waits...
oh **** me... blue valentine?
if that's not a **** with me
album... what is?
                 live circus?
        
do i look like a ******* ****-
(see the hyphen?
it's a prefix... the english are
lazy sometimes: couldn't,
i.e. could not,
remnants of shakespearean
english...

       i'll always cite macbeth...

  time, thou anticipat'st my dread
exploits: the flighty purpose never
is o'eertook, unless the deed go with it.
from this moment, the very firstlings
of my heart shall be
  the very firstlings of my heart.
   and even now, to crown my thoughts
with acts, be it thought and done.

it's hardly a racial slur, ergo...
why so ******* sensitive akin to a french
footballer or a ballerina?
   ****- (hyphen! hyphen!) ergo a prefix...
as already mention:
no, no...
   it's not: no iraqi ever called me a pa-ki
      (pákí)... yeah...
and you never called an afghanistani an
afghan, ever, no?
   pure camaraderie in that part of
the world... all the way... yeah yeah... yeah...
-stani (suffix) is sometimes missing
because... the english like to shorten words...
e.g. why is daniel: dan,
why is matthew: matt?
  why is muhammad: mo (farrah)?
                                    ******* pansies...
police your circumcised penises fiddling
english teenager girl, first,
come after my vocab. justifications: after;
savvy?

or a gypsy?
   by now...
     i'm looking like any
traveler...
and the world...
       forever resembled
a world,
  in the confines of
      a claustrophobia...

but... if there's a bigger concern for
a world...
  and a freedom...
i want a bare knuckle fight...
a black eye...
namely...
you bring  BOXING GLOVE...
and i'll bring...
     a LEATHER BELT...
wrapped around my knuckles,
and the wrist...
    like i might care to give
a second attempt to smile...

ah... the men... who care
about minding, if not in the least,
keeping women...
      bye bye, bye bye...
       and i've allowed myself
to know my grandfather...
as i did the slap in the face...
and...
the key question:
in the unfathomability of counting
the 32 / 4 ratio...
alas... one fist... one smile...

and countless... dentistry encounters...
because?
   because the rest?
the cultural artifacts of a today?
  lost to h'americana...
            as i might have wished...
for my prior genes
to make an autobiography
in **** germany...
  
   what?
  
      well... obviously: the oops.

no, for the crescendo...
you know...
           i'm getting this funny vibe...
gott ist tot... it's not really spectacular...
nietzsche really believed in eternity,
to the point where he pointed:
what does science offer, only old age...
what does religion provide? eternity...
oh nietzsche was big on eternity...
   gott ist tot is as unspectular as:
is it: how to do you pronounce x,
or is it: how do you pronunciate y?
debate:
              everyone says around here
the former... since no one wants to be a *****...
pro-nun-ci-ate (pro-nun-cíate)...
   might as well replenish the vocab. bank
and replace the word with:
how do you elocute z? / recite)....

gott ist tot / gott ist tod...
    "same ****, different cover"...
you know why i believe in god?
    not the christian reference points...
salvation blah blah, saviour and hide & seek blah blah...
n'ah... where would i derive all my vocab.
hunger if not from him?
   some men derive their vocab. from
women or gambling...
            i am not in the position of their
luxury... so god it is...

            primarily though?
               god is metaphysics...
             ergo? his judgement is not clouded
by metaphysical questioning...
it's impossible to receive a metaphysical
answer from a metaphysical question
when engaging with a metaphysical
ontological paraphrase of one's own search
for meaning in this mortal frame...

oh sure sure, my belief in god is as juvenille
as anyone else's belief in humanity's
clarity when it comes to jurisprudence
and its application...
    i've experience "jurisprudence" once...
drive-by phone theft...
me and three fwends...
   i catch the number plate...
i tell one of my fwends to note it down,
police station, report, culprit found,
a sit in at a barkingside police station
looking at mug images,
spot the ****** (it was dark when the mugging
took place, photographic memory, **** happens)...
a court session, australia is playing england
at the ashes (****, i missed it)...
in court the defence lawyer shows me
another picture of the culprit...
back then photogrpahs had dates
attached to them...
the photograph? over 4 years old...
i tell him: but this photograph is 4 years old!
how can i identify if this is the same
person: i, myself, will probably
don a beard in four years time!
      a simple slip-up...
        now that i have a beard:
it's so much more fun than growing your
hair long... i hated the nickname
chewbacca back in high school when i was
growing mine for a french braid...
i walk out of the court,
come to terms with the detective...
and i see the same hunger in him as i see in me...
will justice be served?
highly unlikely... since the victim
didn't recognize the *** in the mug-shots...
justice was probably not served...

   and this is how god plays into all of this,
hell or heaven, blah blah...
man created the figure of domina Iustitia
as blind... god created death to be blind...
justice was never supposed to be blind,
death was: the unfortunate deaths
of teenagers in car accidents,
among all the other freak accidents...

clouded with so many metaphysical questions
i don't appreciate man's ability to adhere
to jurisprudence without being
subjectively contaminated...
i have more belief in an "imaginary"
god than belief that strains me to belief
in man's sense of justice...
          the nuremberg trials are a rare exception...
but only when the culprits are
unabashed and fathomable by a collective
sense of pride... a blidness...
i believe in god, because i'd love to experience
the judgement of a post scriptum of
metaphysics...
  personally? i have been wronged...
heavily...
            i will not name names....
i know when and how i was wronged,
and by whom...
                2007... Canterbury...
      i won't name names: i'm not a rat...
man is too clouded with metaphysical questions
to begin with, god isn't,
he's a metaphysical ontology "bias"...
which is why, he is primarily a jurisprudent
answer...
   i'd love to experience divine jurisprudence,
hell or heaven are not of my concern...
and i don't imply divine jurisprudence
associated with the polytheistic take of
jurisprudence via a solipsistic mechanism
of a minor god and the person in question
without the hurt party...
in monotheism the god is solipsism personified...
these days: also the personna non grata...
so no... gott ist nicht tot...
            he's a personna non grata...
i just don't appreciate the human *******
of law, law governance...
   come on, in england you can receive
an a.s.b.o.s. for your cockerel being too loud
in the morning, your dog barking...
           would you trust man with
jurisprudence?
  a woman was cleared of the ******
of her husband
       when she hammered his head into a pancake:
over an abusive relationship...
police, weren't, "there"?!
sure sure... the hammer will do...
i believe in god without a sense of reward...
i just don't think man is capable of
passing justifiable laws...
no man could ever pass the eternal laws,
gravity... 100°C for the boiling of water...
i need a being  who has groundwork
in eternal laws, in unshakeable laws...
the ten commandments aren't:
you shall not...
   more... maybe, you shouldn't...
they are the most pristine jurisprudent
laws available... the: maybe you shouldn't,
eh, chappy?

       i just don't like playing the thesaurus game
on the more tight-knit game
of "passing" the wink-wink of Solomon's
judgement...
please, **** me please,
i'll eat 20 raw herrings in a cream sauce,
slurp 30 oysters,
eat 40 strawberries on a hangpverl
eat out about 50 harem virgins
like a castrato if you ask me, nicely,
**** camel cockey:
lucly i landed on a black gold slurp
with plenty of bangladeshi slaves:
******* of riyadh...
     what did muhammed tell you?
you camel jockeys / sand *******
have clearly forgotten...
******* arabs: short attention span...
you need to remind
the retards...
the dajjal would come from the east...
a palace of gardens...
well obviously the prophet wasn't
thinking about genghis khan...
            
  hmm barbarians...
vikings, arabs: yet so inclined to like poetics...
funny, that...
the civilized peoples banished
the poets...
            the ruling class and their cushioned
people: sacrosanct sycophants...
wankers, basically.

    the hajr? muhammad spoke of the dajjal
coming from the east,
and the east being a city of gardens...
where isn't riyadh and where is mecca?
isn't riyadh east of mecca?
was the dajjal to come from the outside
of islam, or from wtihin?
      last time i checked...
sh'ite islam isn't friendly to sunni islam...
if islam was the one true religion...
would have a shcism have occurred?
i don't think so...
   a persian would never bow before
an arab... that much os true...

oh i believe in god...
given how man practices jurisprudence...
is it some sort of, a, thesaurus game
i wasn't told about?
to me the human quest for jusctice is
a thesaurus game...
man is incapable to pass but one,
eternal, law...
he's great at nuanced laws...
laws allocated to sports...
i mean, **** me, cricket?
the best vocab. you'll ever pick up...

even god isn't as pertinent
in making the sort of music associated
with the limited alpha-to-beta
of A, B, C, D, E, F, and G...
wow! seven... seven?!
how many heads does the beast
of revelation have? oh... 7!

i'll stop tolerating islam, and start respecting it,
when it, acknowledges its presence
as a character study in the book of revelations...
then i'll just move on,
having made my point...

until that time comes...
    it's 600 years shy of becoming what
degenerate christianity has become,
oh and it's ripe...
it's gagging to implode!
600 years and wait for it to become
the next secular vasal conglomorate...

the warning muhammad gave
about "the best from the east"
was in point of question:
   a reference ti gneghis khan...
more like ibn saud:
  thst fat diabetic one eyed ogre...
and the legacy of decadence he left
behind...

saudi men with slavuc girlfriends,
buying up pink cushions and *******
chihuahuas...
**** after ****...
  you know the three slavic proverbs?
1. better a sparrow in your
hand, than a dove on your rooftop?
explanation?
better the small joys at-hand,
than impossible possibilities out of reach....
2. a drunk can spot east,
past mecca, whenever honing
the safety of his own bed... even at night...
not much of a proverb...
3. i don't care to rememeber...

once toleration comes into play,
i will, respect... just a waiting game...
i'm pretty sure no iranian will
bow down to a sunni camel jockey...
i like proud *******,
it implies: there are absolutes,
un-moveable goal posts...

                      if you are ever to bind yourself
in supporting a "side" outside a sports' dynamic,
always the outsider...
always the outsider... in this case?
the ****'ite islam brigade...
       the persians...
the sunnis can shove it...
   *****, bones, whatever....

                   ****'ite islam i can
fathom, even respect,
sunni islam i just tolerate...
  as much as iran takes claims for the
big satan in ref. to h'america...
well... if h'america supports the infantile
saudi arabia, who's to blame them?

you know that polonaise joke about
about the pacifism of jews in
2nd world world war poland?
the joke ran along the words:
weren't the jews shooting the nazis
using crooked elbows (rifles)?
they always seemed to miss them,
taunted into walking into gas chambers,
the ******* hobbits...

          what? some bolshevik Brooklynian
jewish rada is to spare me
                 the pay-up diffrential
telling me, i was wrong?

  as i said before: the nazis lamented
when the warsaw uprising happened...
no, st. paul's doesn't stand proud
because, because...
   even with the blitz...
                 the luftwaffe were told:
you drop a bomb on st. paul's: firing squad...
and when notre-dame de paris -
last time i checked...
   the nazis didn't luftwaffe the **** out
of paris... did they?!

                  the nazis weren't mongols;
no people so well versed in chanel in terms
of their military being so well
   suited & booted could ever make such a
                              architectural sacrilege...

what?! people under the silicon curtain
are gagging, begging even: for nazis!
can i be the first?!
i just want to please the hungry!
if not punk then moving swiftly into ska...
am i the first?
   siliziumvorhang...
well, **** me... from under the eisenvorhang...
what's with these neo-communist pseudos?

and the hebrew god?
a jealous god... so a god with the knowledge
of the existence of other gods...
why wouldn't a jealous god have
no knowledge of other ("imagianry") gods?
to be jealous of only one's own existence?!

3 / 1: that's the ratio....
that's the only ratio... 3 times i experienced
love at first sight:

when i fell in love at first sight...
malina, samantha, janina,
priya....

equal measure: isabella of grenoble...

in reverse:
magda, promis, ilona, kot (i forget her name,
7 years old, first kiss, you can be forgiven
to forget, she had two twin sisters
and she was the senior,
her fasther drove a distribution truck,
milk, i think)...

****, i actually mismanaged
that ratio...

i believe in "a" god...
since i find too much of human jurisprudence
to be riddle with the thesaurus...
i don't think man can pass
law, he can "suppose so"...
but he will never pass the sort of law,
made forbidden,
or absolutely allowed....
i don't believe in a god akin
to the sort of a pontous pilate god
where i'll always find myself
outside of punk evolving into ska...

         mind you...
i'd hate to be trapped within
the confines of an atheistic exclusion zone
of intellect,
      to be trapped in nothing is one
thing, but to be trapped inside
the confines of an atheist's "nothing"
is quiet another....
i don't like being a hamster inside
a cognitive wheel of another...
   god is the jurisprudence spirit,
man the metaphysical spirit...
and i would very much like to stand
in the light of divine law being passed
to finally feel my shadow...

kult: brooklyńska rada żydów...
  not familiar?
  i forgot punk a long time ago...
esp. when californians came up with their
version, ergo? ska...

i'm currently taping a film
about the silesian vampire...
how strange, that the prussians came
back into the ***** of the polonaise...

growing a beard is so much fun!
fiddle after fiddle: and no violin!
atheists bore me
as much as the theistic hags
who's only ambition are
the thrill associated with Sunday
h'america and cinema...
               i can imagine only one
heaven...
where i am blind and given
               a large library of music.

i pity the man who was unable to
shed a tear on the basis of
being animal, hiding behind reason
and whatever other "tool" came
his way...
                 a man unable to see a wild
in a petting: in the unfathomed
with a nature...
                 with which i reply for
a castrated pedigree: that's ******* cruel!
but no, it was always going
to be the shortlived extract from / by
an account of Judas...
      it would actually speak the words:
more harm done to a castrated male:
than a castrated female...
    call that to claim a male or a female,
the practice still stands:
   the male genitals are more
protruding than a female's -
  and that involves: searching for a loss
rather than owning it...
why does poetry have to become
this claim for idealism,
   this: "ideal love of mine":
waiting "unexplored"?
         what does the term cultural
relativism actually mean -
when we live in the abhorrent times
of moral relativism -
since we know that America is worth
citing, in cultural absolutism:
ZEE VEST IST ZEE BESTE!
   ZEE VEST IST ZEE BESTE!
   the **** is culturally "relative"
  about that statement?
         you can't spot a ******* quasi-Adolf
sniffing in your backdoor to call
in the hind of relativism?
cultural what?!
           America is known for
cultural absolutism, there's nothing
"relative" about it...
the only relativism is equivalent to
a Mongolian playing
a harmonica grass-reed -
           because: why would you
compete with either expression?
       the hamburger is the perfect sandwich
while a prosciutto ciabatta is
dog meat...
                  well... either one came from
the devil's ****: or neither did...
   when i was in Russia i could
eat crêpe avec caviar...
            but that's apparent so bad i need
to appreciate: a regurgitation of
meat...
               but the oh so benevolent
     media enterprises of personna need to tell
how to: buckle down, shut up,
   and keep it: globalisation veering into
claustrophobia...
            but no... the best only knows
champagne und schwarz kaviar...
   no, not the common people orange: kaviar...
but it knows beef dog meat and
pompous meat-head muscle flexing:
it knows that!
         hey, come by some time we'll
**** each other off wondering whether
there actually exists a cultural "relativism"
and if it's hard for the "common" folk to
integrate an absolutism with their
culture-nation... which already exhists
as counter the academic:
            nation-state...
      America is a culture-nation...
        it's not a nation-state...
              why the hell would i need so
much America without having a chance to:
taste their guacamole?
  but you can nonetheless eat a
                         crêpe avec caviar
in chez Russie...
sure, they play ****** muzak of
classical greats at a fountain ceremony...
but i bet you my *** had i
the parental guidance: i'd be at home
in Siberia like a sushi herring in salty water...
it's just an itchiness that bothers me...
     dog meat over caviar...
western chauvinism of the man-child...
      i can't compete with a 2nd tier of
playground...
                it was fun the first time around:
2nd time around?
    can't be bothered:
  i rather be this alcoholic loser than play
this idiotic game of:
  the toys we managed to get without
having our parents to have to get them...
well i managed to collect a library while
my parents went on holiday to the Maldives...
****, am i looking at a hippopotamus
or an elephant?!
          i don't buy cultural relativism
in the same way that the ancient greeks
didn't buy into a moral relativism:
    after all: there's either good, or evil -
absolutely -
       ha ha... so in culturally "relative"
terms france is also ascribed a global stage
to compete with america?!
                           no it isn't...
america is: culturally absolutist -
  in that there is no nation-state ascribed to it...
for what remains of america is
the currently declining: culture-nation.
      **** it: i still had my crêpe avec caviar
in St. Petersburg...
        so i really have to celebrate
that dog meat's worth of a hamburger?
you have a dog i can borrow?

tony blair might have said: personna, personna, personna; but he didn't, so you have me, saying the following:

i pity animals,
  i respect them all the more as:
those worthwhile being petted...
  beyond petting?
                          cattle, no?
i'd like you taking a cow
for a walk, i'd even doubly love
to see you keeping a cow
in your house: just a minor joke.

sure,
give me a chance, i could slaughter
a man given the command;
what, with being
devolved from chemistry
and making the faustian
inkling count in the kitchen,
i'd like to hear
crescendos, of post-scriptum
of circumcision...
    no... i think i like the idea of
making opera butch...
     snarly, satiatable by a ballerina's
pain...
          
         oh don't worry,
i'm the least of your worries...
      i like ******* around...
i'm not stephen king after all...
  just because i write things:
short & sweet doesn't make me
the origin of clown causing *it...

then again...
   i do like gulping down a tartar stake...
with gherkins, shallots among other
things...
   so... you never know...
the joke might have transcended
both the canned laughter and the shattering
silence...

  is it my turn to ha ha, or is it yours?

**** me, that feel of raw meet...
i bet that frozen,
i could not tell the difference between
lamb, beef or...
you know that the executioner of anne bolyen
walked the stage with only his
socks on?
   yeah... she asked him,
why did you take your shoes off?
and he replied:
so you don't hear me tread,
sp the angle from which i'll slice
your head off remains "secret"...
benevolent henry, it only took
one slice at the tender neck...
**** me... queen mary's decapitation
took seven strokes with an axe...
could have sliced 7 watermelons
with that act...
   who uses a blunt instrument
against an enemy?
oh right... a ginger english gall...
and a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'ite oof disorder...
anglos vs. picts, no wonder....
that's not called an execution though...
that's called: butchery;
mary, queen of picts wasn't
executed, she was kosher meat.

I belong to an organization of heroes",  internationally, or
perhaps, universally, recognized, and work quietly, which
  is "ok", with me. Who are they? Let's see if you agree.

The telephone rings, you answer. "Hey, how are you?", followed by one of the
"pitch phrases", "I was wondering, Can You?, Will You?, Are you available to?.....,
and it goes on.

In any language, in any country. the recipient of that call, upon hearing the sound of desperation, immediately begins changing into their hero personna, preparing for whatever enemy lies ahead, reaching for their swords ( usually in the form of car keys) , and bottle of "adversary repellent", to protect, aid, assist, do whatever needs to be done, at anytime, night or day, for those treasures commonly referred to as "grandchildren."

I am a "GRAND PARENT!" Love the title! Wear the badge, and wave it's banner proudly. There is nothing wrong with that.

copyright: richard riddle-September 01, 2014

you want to know the difference between
a poet, and a schizophrenic?
well... apart from the fiction prose oasis
& the desert of "hopes"...
       the poet engages with a recognition
of showcasing personnas...
a schizophrenic? he can't help "hearing"
the symptom of "voices", personnas...
and that's what's tragic...
      there's no pentagram equilibrium,
there's no sensual differentiation in
a schizophrenic...
   if at least their did make schizophrenia
a political term / excuse,
scapegoat... we might peer into actual
alzheimer's disease...
           i know i have personnas, i know
that i have certain narratives, and quake
in the realm of personification...
i am a miser version of an actor...
i'm a poet, someone who is the in lowest
tier of writing systematically,
namely? if the fictive narrative invokes
the puppeteer, and the shakespeare
the narrative limitation invoking a tirade
of characters...
             then poetry is truly akin
to the philosophical monologue of
the schizoid narrator...
            because? to be frank? not many people
can interact with themselves for so long
without asking a replenishing question
via a 2nd party...
      that's why i like my pet peeve,
my pet that's neither cat, nor dog, nor a rat
in a maze...
        i like the potential of schizophrenics
in guiding the theory, of the least potential sources
of improvement of physical symptoms;
schizophrenia? dementia in free-fall...
******* bungee jumping...
    premature dementia, **** me,
what a gold mine...
             i still have to stress the "fact"
that i'm reading heidegger, following up on kant,
and at the same time acting "schizophrenic"...
i'm just wondering how long the acting
will keep me being "paid"...
     i remember doing a year 2 university
course in sociology at edinburgh university
with plagiarism systems in place...
what did i do? i plagiarised, used the thesaurus,
passed the sociology course? yep: with a 1st.
i was testing the "plagiarism" system:
evidently it failed, since i got a 1st, and all
i did was use a thesaurus... oops.
    well... **** happens...
   sometimes come the anti-architects of
cyber-sphere, and look what happens,
a person gets a 1st in a sociological essay,
having plagiarised an essay
  using nothing more than... a ******* thesaurus...
ha ha!
          plagiarism? it's an art:
you actually have to learn how to plagiarise,
to actually plagiarise; odd, isn't it?
but i know that i put on personnas from
time to time...
   i'm immune to the schizophrenic symptom
of not being able to control personnas...
the aimed at knowledge of putting
on personnas from time to time is lost
in schizophrenia...
   why?
       it's "senses", i.e. "hearing" voices...
i call schizophrenics wide-awake sleeping poets...
i have personnas, schizophrenics
have "voices"...
        schizophrenics are poets in the slouching
awakening of the function...
a personna? visually? it's like any mode
of acting... putting on a mask...
that's what's fascinating about schizophrenia:
this pathological dualism is too artistic
to be demanded as the precursor of
a demented, ageing mind, being extinguished...
hence the schizophrenic ingenuity,
a child reinvented, esp. due to the incursion
in late puberty... the child-child construct...
man? his own.
          i will tell you once again:
i know i have personnas...
          i experience drifts from myself into
a persona, for i have tested this drift with an active
ingredient, alcohol, and i know alcohol is
the most difficult placebo "fake" to ingest...      
it just takes walking down a straight line...
pretty ******* hard to miss faking ingesting it...
schizophrenia is a sleeping poetics...
    even though it will not exactly suggest
that the schizophrenic is a budding poet...
   but the dynamic is symbiotically-chiral in
how it can be best explained...
        i know my personnas in that i know
when i write as them...
a schizophrenic? he doesn't experience personnas
as i might...
      he infiltrates this abstract with
"hearing": hence the by-product, symptom?
                "voices";
it's not exactly a down-trodding of would-be
shakespeare hopefuls,
  but if i can attest to acting in the poetic (cognitive)
realm with personna(s)...
   i can only attest that i am mono-phrenic,
vector form...
                 going from (a) to (b)...
  the schizophrenic?
   well... going from (~a) to (~b)
                                   via the symptom of (c);
i ****** well hope i sound genuine in
my interest in this psychiatric condition...
in that? i hope i can overly visualise the symptom,
to alleviate the non-visualisation
of what could be worth an x-ray's worth
of creating a gram of ease...
after all... my ex girlfriend call me while
i was busy doing a roof on a construction site,
panicking, telling me: i'm hearing voices!
just ends up a piece of writing,
while listening to static x's cannibal.

.i really didn't mind which side was going to win... it was pretty obvious in the snap general election, in england, this year, i would have been sold the Blairite mantra any day of the week... that old flavour panache... you won, yes... blah blah... that's the one thing i don't understand about such events... it's not enough to win something... you have to succumb to that brazen: gloating... if only there was a sports' like stoicism behind winning... a sense of decorum... perhaps that's why i didn't vote... i didn't want to succumb to the subsequent brazen gloating... the odd chance that i experience ego-tripping is enough: when i encounter some abstract cul de sac of vocab that will be written... but never entertain everyday formal conversations... but... this gloating... some people can never make it into a... richard federer moment... why would they... after all... politics... voting... imagine if all the cheers and chants in a football match were actually indicative of who was going to win the match... perhaps... they are... "in hindsight"... i.e. when there are only 10 seconds on the clock in stoppage time before the game ends... in politics that's how having won: gloating emerges... it's not enough to have won... one has to bask in it... just like those away fans... with the majority of the home fans having left with Elvis having seen the most erecticle-dysfunction thrashing.

today i learned that some very intelligent people
managed to construct an a.i. system
that would be able to finish beethoven's
symphony no. 10 - or, as a matter of fact:
that the computers did it!

i would applause this achievement...
but... i'm hardly going to...
i wouldn't even applaud had "my own"
flesh and blood - an organic exponent achieved this
feat! unless - he were a deaf man -
even then - relativism of some sort...

as i'm writing this i wonder:
what if these intelligent people managed
to construct an a.i. system that would be able
to finish off... Kafka's the castle?
should "we" celebrate such an accomplished:
should it ever come to pass?

a much harder undertaking...
and for all its worth, classical music...
rarely does it translate into something you
can whistle it...
rarely... and when you can: you barely can...
beside the interludes...
basically Bach's polyphony destroyed
the simplicity of classical music -
classical music? no wonder modern music
has to borrow the technicality of the event...

- could this be a Kierkegaardian style of meditation
or... dare i say it... Knausgårdian?
i frankly don't mind...
how much of my biography i will include
in this is beside the point -
like? do i think that for all their worth,
their grand narratives,
some people can still come off as slight?
i do not want to immerse myself
in how so many petty things
bind people together when being
stripped to find themselves beneath
celestial bodies and some disposable awe...
yawn at the stars and enjoy some
soap opera... get into the jungle petty
crimes... yawn at the stars...

this surely must have been written
from an underbelly...
by a turtle starving when being flipped
onto its shell... otherwise...

classical music and its complexity...
i tried to figure it out...
but i will rarely come to finding it
necessary to enjoy certain things...
classical music i will rarely enjoy -
especially if i have to think about it...

oh the glorious days when i thought
that thought was a pleasure in-itself...
now? this spaghetti monster with recycled
pieces of self and the christo-freudian
trinity layer-cake of ego, superego, id
of modernity...
i'm always somewhere, nowhere:
playing the cameo role...
i imagine a psychologist talking to me
armed with all these surgical "equipment" items
for my metaphysical surgery...
and i have no knowledge / consciousness
regarding each vector or enzyme or...
how i'm still, basically...
primordial in explaining myself via:
a pronoun, a verb, a noun, a conjunction,
and obviously a definite/indefinite article...

have i missed the point?
verb pronoun verb definite article noun?
tell me: what is psychoanalytical theory
staging, before the stage of grammar?
grammar is the father of all learning -
given that the mother is mathematics...
deviation from formal grammar must be excused
if this is at all to be even, remotely,
resonated in the ars poetica...

beethoven!
i can whistle about two or three extracts
from classical music...
the one, that i know of?
that resonates akin to la marseillaise...
and say... the british grenadiers' fife and drum...
and... that bit of beethoven's symphony no. 9...
ode an die freude...

no, i somehow want to stumble into
this egregious cliché -
try whistling to some chopin...
after all... chopin was in a contest with
liszt over who... would break a finger
while playing his centipede technicality...
what sort of woman would faint
what sort of matthew arnold would
go home and ******* in the dark
crying when seeing liszt perform live...

if you're taking a **** and then having a shower?
a few lazy moves of the fore! skin doesn't
even elevate the event to any "immediacy"...
as i once had it: *** pistons *** pistons...
it's fair game... but... after a while
and you haven't paid for it and *** is the glue
that weaves itself into your narrative
and there's talking after and...
god... looks like i was lucky...
my 20s? em... i don't know...
i "think" i was preoccupied with my psychosis
of meeting god... to which i'd reply...
you don't want to be looking for him...
nothing was said -
there was an angelic choir and a great
wind that dispersed it... while i was
running around in a church trying to figure
out 'a how' with regards to still being
the owner of an iPod and...
fasting... high of some variant of marijuana
they only serve in London...

plan? what plan? i'd say: don't go looking
for god: unless you're absolutely sure...
you'll only come back with clichés...

is it really music in those heads of theirs?
i mean the composers?
i hardly think they "think" in terms of melody...
it's not like you could write a polyphony
based externally on whistling...
perhaps a main theme...
like in ode an die freude...
there's a premise... but then?
pandemonium rapes the head of a ludwig...
and... they just keep adding and adding...
but none of it could be compressed
to a song...

thanks be to bukowski for pointing this
out... ludwig didn't frequent the parlours of god
(words) that often... rarely...
he only wrote one: Fidelio -
and it was only as a joint-venture with...
Arturo Toscanini...
because you can't exactly sing along
to classical music...
and if you don't enjoy classical music...
you suppose: the heart has to "think"
in order for any "thinking" by the brain
to be disengaged from: the sound of rain
falling on a tin roof and a piano crescendo
synonym...

is blurring out "thinking" from the brain
being stimulated by the minor fractions
of seeing and feeling in the grand sigma ****
of hearing - minor details -
you still need to feel and hear...
closing your eyes: perhaps...
but at least there's that abstract focus of:
"somewhere in the distance" with:
eyes wide open too...

very much akin to my current drinking patterns...
i don't remember the last time i drank
for the pleasure of being drunk...
christmas is here and i have some minor
responsibilities to take care of...
25mg amitriptyline and a biting event
with the naproxen... the whiskey is measured
like a prison tally... if i exceed:
IIII/ IIII/ by more than II...
i have a problem...
anything to curate this insomnia...

only when words are given access...
but i can't see why words would be necessary...
whether it's a stand-off of show-off
Faustian technicality between Chopin
or Liszt... or whether it's the completely
French stand-off between:
the only way to learn to play the piano these
days... is to find an allure of calm,
of stopping time... a delicate fusion
of... arranging a boquet of roses
while wearing sand-paper gloves...
Debussy "contra" Satie...

but this track of Beethoven's?
is it really such a terrible cliché?
top 3 tracks that have left a most definite
imprint in my head -
a cognitive tattoo... thank god for not
wishing for that sort of other branding
akin to a no. 1990869 from that infamous
of places... or... a ditto on my forehead...

- ode an die freude
- la marseillaise
- fife and drum

is this a clinical approach?
i'm almost certain there's no real thinking
in terms of sound when it comes
to composing...
i once had the rare opportunity
to spot a young composer in a cafe in London...
scribbling his...

ut queant laxis
resonare fibris... to be honest, i was jealous
as ever - but not in a way that:
i could be better...
and as i'm pretty god-**** sure...
he wasn't whistling or humming
alongside what he was writting...

braille is where i stashed this jealousy:
UT
⠥⠞
RE
⠗⠑

because trying to figure out the "thinking"
behind musical composition -
on a polyphony scale...
it's hardly a folk song mentality of:
the "easily remembered"...
but... again this can be achieved...
when a complexity unravels itself into
folk "sensibility" -
do i have to car-crash this sentence
into something simpler?

chemistry almost uses this "syllables"
of meaning... He: helium... Li: lithium...

and my what an honest hour!
i can finish a day well spent!
i did this that and the other...
i watched some alpine ski jumping
from engelberg... a polish athelete won:
kamil stoch... i still can't sing
the anthem: mazurek dąbrowski...
so i... felt... 0.001% of a shared cause...
it's a grey foggy distance in the back
of the mind... that can't compete with
someone's patriotism-in-exile
akin to a Czesław Miłosz...
more importantly... Liverpool won
the Fifa World Cup of Clubs playing
against a very tactical Brazilian side...
and you should have seen
the match-up between Flamenco vs. ...
in the copa libertadores...
who was it... besides the point: what a comeback!

needless to say... who are these "people"
who have started to become reckless
in their attempts to sell love?
this delusion of love -
this most abstract person: personna precusor?
for the love of: what's outside...
beside me - what i see and what i can
offer in it being shared...
never this magician's Pharisee act
of: what love is "sleeping" in me...
how my love is but a yawn should it have
to exist... like a tapeworm without
a wall of a small intestine of the host...
what is this love? this "hurting" -
can it ever please escape the orient
and its parasitical feeding via a haiku?

as no claim: "genius"...
that's the problem... the horde had an element
in it... hedwig... some constant that
could never change and remained
in part solipsistic - well...
a paradoxical solipsism...
multiple-personality disorder and...
the placebo effect of solipsism...
but all the other personalities knew of
each other... it's not like each personality
was oblivious to the other...
which undermines the concept of:
there is no conscious effort...
between switching...
which must be a harrowing experience
to pseudo- the whole experience...
narrowing it down to a thespian consciousness
that's only visible to a thespian audience...

how is it in writing? there is no voice involved...
have i reach a polyphony?
evidently there's a common theme running
through this piece...
but... is there a dialectical play in it -
how there's a grand coming "sigma"...
toward the concordant zenith?
if i were to say these words outloud
and have this little monstrosity -
this little demon whisper as the backdrop
in my thought:
i could not achieve a concordant zenith
as such...

i have already faced the unbelievable lie...
that somehow a bilingualism can be treated
as a schizophrenia...
isn't bilingualism, entrenched bilingualism
somehow not... the stated diagnosis?
why can't i solve crosswords
but find sudoku puzzles to be somehow
predictable?
i already have a crossword puzzle in my head!
and it's not based on a network
of the monolingual architecture that
solves crosswords with a thesaurus:
synonyms and antonyms and "insinuations"...

- mind you... did you mention that quote
from that polish neurologist?
'any one who claims you're mad...
are mad themselves'?
after all... isn't it a neurologist's word
over a psychiatrist's?
according to the latter:
my brain is still a chemical spaghetti soup...
my lexicon is a... salad...
might i ask for the meat... then?

- it can drive a man wild... knowing how
blind some people are...
but after a while... you just:
inhale... and release an onomatopoeia
of the most reclusive relief...
a sigh that's not a sigh... AAAAH...
to be able to walk down a street...
and enjoy the weather,
enjoy the passing-conversations...
the passing traffic...
the stench of a major city...
all of this... would be impossible...
if each man was to bump into
a replica of a Galileo (COPERNICUS!)...

what a dull place it would most surely be...
on a whim: entertaining petty grievances...
on the other: the hunger-strike martyrs for
justice... the philanderers, the sycophants
and their post-moralism bribe donors of
exclaimation marks!
or people like me... who chance upon...
an internalised rhetorical seanse vacation
after the day is done...
since... clearly: i do not have enough
time or money for a cork-lined room to
drum out all external noise...
or a listener with a rubber-ear akin to...
that same sort of fellow...

breadcrumbs from the altar...
where that meal is a ceremony of:
fed by the words...
the details inverted...
perhaps once it was charity...
better the charity to lie these days!

until it comes out by itself...
truth? what truth?!
trivia?! regurgitating scientific facts?!
that's it! or making blatant falsifications?!
i'd call it:
if there is a truth - i'll find it tomorrow...
and by truth and tomorrow:
if there's a truth - it's (a) tomorrow...
otherwise i'll face... death...
or perhaps i'll be cheated of it...
should i come across death in my sleep...
i can't imagine the sometimes
referenced obituary:
he died peacefully in his sleep...
that's as about as peaceful as...
when you sometimes wake up from sleep
because you've just had a nightmare...

this life is a nightmare...
let death be my sleep.

deus est genesis ex cogitans, cogitans est ex genesis absque deus: res ultimatum res: libido telepathos.

we have a name for *it
namely god,
   a noun encompassed
within the framework
of the noumenon -
        but when a phenomenon
arrives,
   there's the deus est mort
moment that claims all
forms of interpretation
as un-sourced,
    without any footnote,
       allowance / certainity...
there's a name for it,
   but at the same time
there's the non-existence of it:
shielded by ulterior names;
but whether id est or
  whether id non est -
  there will forver remain
in our vocabulary a noun
of some sort, to denote
           that "know" unit among
the polyphony of facts yet
to be known to us....
       and remaining unknown:
0 is by no compenstation
a worthy vector basis...
  but 1?
           a spear, a throwing
exemplified?
           i'm fine with that...
as long as we begin from point
(a) and head toward point (b)...
why do atheists like
christmas carols,
  of byzantine chants of the monks?
what a ****** group of atheists
liking christmas carols over
byzantine chants of monks;
nonetheless,
   what could ever come evolutionary
from descartes' res cogitans
regarding man?
   well, the kantian reinvention
of descartes' god,
                given descartes' man:
for if man be res cogitans -
                   then god is res per se;
who's existence / non-existence
perpetuates itself by
being attached to the spiderweb
of thought,
         and never the empirical
suggestion of being sensed,
never seen, never heard, never touched,
in that diabolical pentagram of
being defended by a satan...
   yet how unfathomable to think,
and yet to think of what
deems a necessity to be thought of...
    perhaps in an atheistically
fathomable personna non grata
explanation of god...
               nonetheless a form of coordination
to suggest origin and end purpose...
   transcending the mundane
travesty of the final unwished
                   fathoming that's death...
every philosopher will ask:
why think of god as a ritualistic
entity?
          why are we to assume it being
evolved from the realm of pronouns
to the realm of nouns, and with
that evolution... so many of nouns
attached!
         72 in judaism, 99 in islam!
if those who believe attest to a god,
then so do the atheists,
although without a ritualistic angle,
but a cognitive angle of "concern",
for they see god as a personna non grata,
yet by the argument
               of negating the existence of,
they invoke the existence of,
        and deny themselves
    the status of being anti-theists...
  they enforce the existence of a god,
and shelter themselves in
the rhetoric of being anti-religious,
anti-ritualistic...
              for whatever argument
they have, there's the pre-
   to every "supposition" -
                       that they turn into
a pro- *         that somehow translates
into a *supposition,
  atheism doesn't even ask,
atheism is a sophistry of
          some sort...
                   unless expressed in a
communist collective,
               it amounts to nothing but
jargon, a word salad...
               of **** me,
    pleasant on the ear,
                 but a maggot on the mind.

you want to know the difference between
a poet, and a schizophrenic?
well... apart from the fiction prose oasis
& the desert of "hopes"...
       the poet engages with a recognition
of showcasing personnas...
a schizophrenic? he can't help "hearing"
the symptom of "voices", personnas...
and that's what's tragic...
      there's no pentagram equilibrium,
there's no sensual differentiation in
a schizophrenic...
   if at least their did make schizophrenia
a political term / excuse,
scapegoat... we might peer into actual
alzheimer's disease...
           i know i have personnas, i know
that i have certain narratives, and quake
in the realm of personification...
i am a miser version of an actor...
i'm a poet, someone who is the in lowest
tier of writing systematically,
namely? if the fictive narrative invokes
the puppeteer, and the shakespeare
the narrative limitation invoking a tirade
of characters...
             then poetry is truly akin
to the philosophical monologue of
the schizoid narrator...
            because? to be frank? not many people
can interact with themselves for so long
without asking a replenishing question
via a 2nd party...
      that's why i like my pet peeve,
my pet that's neither cat, nor dog, nor a rat
in a maze...
        i like the potential of schizophrenics
in guiding the theory, of the least potential sources
of improvement of physical symptoms;
schizophrenia? dementia in free-fall...
******* bungee jumping...
    premature dementia, **** me,
what a gold mine...
             i still have to stress the "fact"
that i'm reading heidegger, following up on kant,
and at the same time acting "schizophrenic"...
i'm just wondering how long the acting
will keep me being "paid"...
     i remember doing a year 2 university
course in sociology at edinburgh university
with plagiarism systems in place...
what did i do? i plagiarised, used the thesaurus,
passed the sociology course? yep: with a 1st.
i was testing the "plagiarism" system:
evidently it failed, since i got a 1st, and all
i did was use a thesaurus... oops.
    well... **** happens...
   sometimes come the anti-architects of
cyber-sphere, and look what happens,
a person gets a 1st in a sociological essay,
having plagiarised an essay
  using nothing more than... a ******* thesaurus...
ha ha!
          plagiarism? it's an art:
you actually have to learn how to plagiarise,
to actually plagiarise; odd, isn't it?
but i know that i put on personnas from
time to time...
   i'm immune to the schizophrenic symptom
of not being able to control personnas...
the aimed at knowledge of putting
on personnas from time to time is lost
in schizophrenia...
   why?
       it's "senses", i.e. "hearing" voices...
i call schizophrenics wide-awake sleeping poets...
i have personnas, schizophrenics
have "voices"...
        schizophrenics are poets in the slouching
awakening of the function...
a personna? visually? it's like any mode
of acting... putting on a mask...
that's what's fascinating about schizophrenia:
this pathological dualism is too artistic
to be demanded as the precursor of
a demented, ageing mind, being extinguished...
hence the schizophrenic ingenuity,
a child reinvented, esp. due to the incursion
in late puberty... the child-child construct...
man? his own.
          i will tell you once again:
i know i have personnas...
          i experience drifts from myself into
a persona, for i have tested this drift with an active
ingredient, alcohol, and i know alcohol is
the most difficult placebo "fake" to ingest...      
it just takes walking down a straight line...
pretty ******* hard to miss faking ingesting it...
schizophrenia is a sleeping poetics...
    even though it will not exactly suggest
that the schizophrenic is a budding poet...
   but the dynamic is symbiotically-chiral in
how it can be best explained...
        i know my personnas in that i know
when i write as them...
a schizophrenic? he doesn't experience personnas
as i might...
      he infiltrates this abstract with
"hearing": hence the by-product, symptom?
                "voices";
it's not exactly a down-trodding of would-be
shakespeare hopefuls,
  but if i can attest to acting in the poetic (cognitive)
realm with personna(s)...
   i can only attest that i am mono-phrenic,
vector form...
                 going from (a) to (b)...
  the schizophrenic?
   well... going from (~a) to (~b)
                                   via the symptom of (c);

i ****** well hope i sound genuine in
my interest in this psychiatric condition...
in that? i hope i can overly visualise the symptom,
to alleviate the non-visualisation
of what could be worth an x-ray's worth
of creating a gram of ease...

after all... my ex girlfriend call me while
i was busy doing a roof on a construction site,
panicking, telling me: i'm hearing voices!

just ends up a piece of writing,
while listening to static x's cannibal.

____
i'll listen to your byzantine chants,
i will,
and i will: gladly...
i'll even pour hot wax into
my hands,
and say:
of those born from dirt,
i call unto you,
to claim being also born from
wax!
blood cult....
how much difference is
there, peering into
a candle-flame,
than what Thor,
becoming Prometheus came....
bringing down
lightning,
in the variant of fire via
                electricity!
i will listen to your byzantine chants...
and i will also add...
"inner" and "outer" beauty,
and the socratic warning...
he said, didn't he?
'it doesn't whether i'm
beautiful, or whether i'm ugly...
i hope my personality lifts me up.'
did it?
      em... last time i heard...
he was poisoned publically!
fated with such horrors of the natural
world...
  not wonder, then,
that people look up to
the aesthetically pleasing!

         wasn't it a psychiatrist that tried
to insert a memory regression
into me?
         i was.... abused as a child?
yeah... i was...
i taught myself how to *******
aged 8, finding a pornographic
magazine... in the catacombs
of a newly built church...
    and conrad's mother...
who pushed me into a gaping
black hole of a well...
       too many people have tried
to **** me, i'm bored of waiting
for death...

            but these minor, "instances",
attempts, at my life?
they bore me...
       i am only thinking
about griding the people
     associated,
their bones, into dust...
     what's worse though...
a psychiatrist would dare, dare!
to implant false memories into
my mind!
sure, my grandfather was
an alcoholic, he has now succumbed
to critical dementia,
he still buys me cigarettes...
he was the one who bought
me a book collection,
spanning aristotle through
to kołakowski...

               in the realm of the 5P's:
poets, philosophers,
               priests, prostitutes,
psychiatrists...
    i'd trust only the prostitutes...

         this, is, england,
                         i'm only a schizophrenic,
because, i'm also bilingual...
                            and what's the difference
between someone who's schizophrenic
and someone who's bilingual?
       em...          the division of having in
"excess" a second language?
            why wouldn't i be angry?
i will still listen to byzantine chants...
        Αγνή Παρθένε....
            really?! seriously?!
the greeks / the geeks are attempting
to implement diacritical markers?!
what for?!
                 tell me,
what's the difference between ή and έ?
             eh?!                             Ǝ E?!
the greeks should have never been given
access to the knowledge of diacritical
markers, they over-did-it...
they... exaggerated...
                     what, between the moving
trojan army from rome through
to london,
not picking up the "scents"?
and with the greeks making excessive
demands in the orthographic realm?
and the moving troyans
not implementing, at all?

                       of course anything outside
the comfortable norm, will have to be deemed:
schizoid...
     no arm-chair comforts of an easily
ridicule i.q.,
           i'm not exactly tripping on
l.s.d., but my mind,
is convusling,
perpetually pulverising the status quo...

i hate pandering to the greeks...
         like they "think" they're the new arabs...
what "knowledge" of diacritical
application, prior, to this, observation?
none! even the russians
do not own diacritical orthoraphy!
what's their best, e.g.?
й, yew,
          ё, yew (fake, invention of the 21st
"revisionism")
        oh, look, a grapheme (ч): ch-atter...
   akin to æ...
       hard sign: twardy znak (ъ)...
it can't even be as eloquent as tilde,
upsilon, etc., it has to follow up
on the letter, ******* up the spelling
rubric...
  объект... eh? ob-ject?!
      this some sort of "neu" punctuation?
j "=" y?
                     well then...
                        soft sign: miękki znak (ь)...
so the russian trinity:

        ы
                  ъ        
                 ­             ь

щ? szczypta soli (pinch of salt)

i'd love to see russian memes,
akin to ю (u)       я (ya)
           ты  бюдиед, я, бюдиед -
ю: skew and parabola the rest of "it",
harasho?

                  пeппeр рaппep...

but still no chuckles or jays...
dzin                or                jinn...

          ­                         hey! it's language...
it's bound to, it's actually supposed to,
look, "ugly"...
                          no borders,
                           no concern for the awaiting
testimonies of transcendence...
                these days?
     you safest bet?
              is to join me, in the least
of all the desired expectations...
      i'm not asking for polymaths,
or polyglots...
              just the new threshold...
       two tongues...
                                   at least...
                        and then, at least a phonetic
encoding knowledge of two more.

so i was sitting down on the steps in the garden
eating a lychee
and drinking a Pimm's: i know, the profanity...
just Pimm's and lemonade...
i made my parents the proper stuff:
with strawberries, cucumber and mint...
but i was just thinking there...
father comes over and tells me that both
the Glasgow teams managed to qualify to the champions
league... what about the 'burgh teams?
'burgh teams?
yeah... i don't mean the Champions League:
Europa league... Herts or Hibernian?
no... not that i know of...
mind you... Herts is under scrutiny...
about what?
                     over-paying their players...
oh! like the investigation that had Juventus demoted
from Seria A(h) to a lower league?
like the points deducted from Derby County FC
and Saracens RC (rugby club)...
in the meantime my manager texts me about
a chance to work a shift in Basildon...
some Garage Festival... i used to have friends at school
who were garage music fanatics...
they were also big into graffiti...
all the girls at school loved those idiots...
most ended up in prison or were popping ******
pills before they were 16...
i sent him a text: can i be "Irish" about this whole affair?
it's no problem for me getting there,
it's the getting out that's an issue...
if i could get a lift back home: i'll do it...
mind you: i have a Wembley shift on the 3rd...
in between he replies with a LOL...
i hate these LOLz...
hey... i'm not working a shift after which i have
to pay for a hotel... i earn in order to spend
is not my thing: i earn for umbrellas and rainy days
and prostitutes... mostly prostitutes:
they can spend my money the hell they want...
hmm... Herts is being investigated for
propping up the wages of its players?
so... so deflation does exist! deflation does exist
in capitalism!
that's deflation! what's deflation?
the end product is sold at the same price as:
per usual... but the people selling the product...
are paid more than usual!
in the current times, what's the hot topic?
once upon a time it was Brexit...
then it was Covid... now it's: ******* Russians
cranking up the gas supply to Europe:
if i were Russian? i'd be ******* too...
i abhor Russophobia of the Europeans:
and i'm a ******... i should be the biggest *******
Russophobe around... but i've dated a Russian
girl... ***** had it easy: i don't even know
why she managed to get away with slapping me:
oh... right... i was in her St. Petersburg flat
visiting her for a month... we went and saw
Metallica in Moscow... she thought i was cheating
on her while in fact her ex-boyfriend
with connections was sticking around her like
a leech while we drank cognac with a slice
of lemon.. for that: ooh! ooze of a squeeze...
i made her fuckable... she trimmed her dread
and looked ****-ugly when i was ******* her...
a masterpiece of the degradation of womanhood....
still.... nice ****... all Russian **** are nice...
and a ****-of-left-overs that might wet any man's
appetite for most oysters...
what?! ha ha... i dated this one French psychology
exchange student... climbed Arthur's Seat with her...
but i felt her scorn when she exclaimed:
but you have a picture of Napoleon hanging on your
wall: true... but i also have a picture
of Plato: gay... and Marquis de Sade hanging next
to Napoleon... as a Frenchwoman you ought
to know that Napoleon did more for the ****** people
that any of the Hapsburg *****!
he erected the satellite state of the Duchy of Warsaw!
what's you ******* problem?
the relationship ended soon after i lost my
virginity and she lost the plot by starting
to braid her beautiful auburn hair...
i held her head while she vomited a leash
of a waterfall... Toby... this funny Swiss drummer
who i jammed with helped me:
look at me, worried, eyes all questions:
you know this girl, don't you?
yeah... my eyes replied... i do know her...
i lost my virginity to her... we watched Japanese
animation movies like grow-ups...
in between me feeling up her **** like
i might be fiddling with a wallet looking for spare
change... or the keys to my house...

never mind that... **** Grenoble and ****
psychology students!
**** 'em... and **** Fiona and **** my *******
mandolin: **** it!
what's important? domino affect... or the ripple effect...
it's one calamity after another...
this is not going to stop:
this is a joke... a proper joke: like arbeit macht frei
is a proper joke...
i'm climbing a hill of skulls...

         i'm keeping one of the words... macht...

leute macht froh!
      that's my ******* "neo-****" motto...
leute macht froh!

         and yes! deflation does exist! it's a niche experiment...
now, for now? associated with football and rugby clubs...
the wages of players are explosive...
what has changed in the game of rugby or that
of football? the footballs have become larger?
no one is using shoelaces? everyone is running
******* shirtless?!
the goalposts have moved! oh no! really?!
the pitch is larger? smaller?!
wow!

in terms of inflation... the price of a ticket to see
a game goes up...
in terms of deflation... well... well well...
the earnings of the players go up...
so? say... a team like Saracens increases their
wage-gap and attracts all the best players...
so... the monotony continues...
the personna non grata elements kicks in...
monopoly of the monotony...
unlike Mark Noble of West Ham... i just overheard
it... players? these days?! mercenaries...

a bit ******* different to being a mercenary samurai
though... a RONIN...

i'm getting older and my rage is not abating....
then again: maybe i'm not getting any younger...
maybe i'm stalling...
my body is roving through the natural
demands but my mind is drifting off
back towards the days of my precious youth...

i do feel... like i'm living in the times of Ancient Rome...
here i am... scribbling while something
in the Coliseum of happening and i'm like...
eh... the clouds are more entertaining being
more eternal..

learn to keep your head down, and you'll still be able to "say", what the ******* want, me? i'm not talking to anyone, i'm writing doodles on a white flag, i am part of the white flag corp, i write on the colour of surrender (or "islam")... some might think i'm writing black teutonic crosses of northern crusaders, or swastikas, never mind, i'm in an echo chamber of my own doing; should i be found engaging with others, with some of the personnas i incubate, well, not one can trace back the notion, that whoever wrote this, was performing a scaenicus personna, i am but an elephant balancing on a pin, akin to the camel walking through the eye of the needle... such poetics of the new testament are not there to be laid safe in vaults of holiness, they are there: to be overcome.

once again, the ensō concept revived,
whether in poetry or whether in solving a
sūdokú, in one smooth stroke,
   compare the lumbering fate of
****** mary's fate,
   and the smoothness of the guillotine...
in one smooth action...
  the *ensō concept of writing poetry:
no revisions... not even excusing
the revision of spelling mistakes...
              one smooth stroke...
it's one thing we have lost the art
of hand-writing... for we lost it...
   hand-writing is a lost art,
  how many g.c.s.e. grade Bs or Cs
  could actually be As, if the hand-written
texts were not so nietzschesque in them
being chicken-scratchings?
     the only person i know that had a decent
hand-writing,
   or a style to it, nay, had fathomed the art?
my grandfather...
      by the time my father started writing
he was writing: LIKE THIS.
             everything in capital letters,
welcoming the computer era.
               examination of students should abandon
hand-writing, it's pathetic, it's cruel,
it's not what's required, for an effective
representation...
                     hand-writing was an art,
passed down by monks,
   who re-wrote the same texts, over, and over
again...
   why do i think hand-writing is an art form?
isn't it?
            i look at ancient texts written
by monks... and i might as well be reading
chinese...
               i can't read this ****...
i have to treat it as some sort of chinese / arabic /
or generally speaking: art-work!
to say we've been robbed is one thing,
  but to say we encouraged being robbed
by stressing the modern tongue in :) e.g.,
  or acronyms akin to l.o.l.,
                  ****! i hate laziness asserting itself
as a "new" form of "language",
******* journalism,
           journalists who are parents,
  who deem to celebrate this pathetic,
  this lot of spying on their childrens' online
activities,
   fair game to the kids, for creating
   anti-paedo-membranes of code,
           maybe some will end up working for
the m.i.5, or the n.s.a.,
                                   but...
  how can you malnutrition language like so?
hence the english linguistic desert,
   of proper richtigspreschen:
oh i'm pedantic, you better believe it...
   it happens when the athletic world cup
happens...
     no diacritical marks in english =
                   letters made into surds,
of the latter? gnome... they say it 'nome...
  but then the "anti-thesis" in the word
diagnostic - where the g rebels against
the surd mechanism it's bound to in the word
gnome...
no diacritical marks on letters = letters made into surds;
that's english, in a babushka in a babushka
in a babushka ad infinitum...
    wankers.
there's a reason that serbian long-jumper
has a surname with an s+ a caron...
   it's not - sepuko... it's shepuko (š) -
is that so ****** hard?
                      you can seriously bypass
learning the linguistic alphabet,
  you know the type, the one just below
the word in a dictionary, the whacky one,
with upside-down omegas, and twriling Es,
and what not...
   just speak a language that uses
diacritical marks, and work on the canvas of
a language, like english...
       i swear to god, you'll be able to pick
up several accents along the way...
    people will continue to ask you where
you're from, even though you've spent 20+
years in a "foreign" country...
          that's what english is:
compliments from the chef -
   sure... if we don't apply diacritical marks,
we'll just hide the examples were
surds are...
                and have excess spelling... or?
learn some greek... no, not words, just the letters...
i'm really ******* that i went to a roman
catholic school, and the buggers didn't teach
us any latin... they ought to have...
   thank **** i found a book in the school
library, by some german historian,
   about the "heretical" musings of the gnostics...
yes, the: gnostics... 'nomes go in the garden.
why greek?
     well: #sūdokú - learn the greek alphabet,
   and, well... let's just say it compliments
the kaleidoscope of the numbers, e.g.:

    3 9 1 7 8 4 6 5 2
    5 4 7 6 9 2 8 3 1
    2 8 6 5 3 1 4 9 7
    9 5 4 2 7 8 3 1 6
    7 ε π 4 1 6 5 8 9
    6 1 8 9 5 3 2 7 4
    1 6 5 8 2 9 7 4 3
    8 π τ 9 4 7 1 6 5
    4 7 3 1 6 5 9 2 8....

        once you manage to strain your
eyes on the greek alphabet,
      the strain of numbers in a sūdokú
diminishes...
  you just need a third party source
of encoding...
      well, "need",
   i just figured that if you can see what
ρ is, i.e., an r,
     you might be more likely to spot #
dynamic in the puzzle...
           i.e.

3 ε ε
ε ε ε
ε ε ε
ε ε ε ε ε ε 3 ε ε
ε 3 ε ε ε ε ε ε ε
ε ε ε ε ε 3 ε ε ε
ε ε ε
ε ε ε
ε ε 3.

the dead are only riddles,
terse, and peacocking
no more than empty space,
teen goon, less,
without Venetian silk import;
the dead are only riddles,
the living headaches,
prior to a resurrection,
I'd like to play dead,
but be bound to invogorating
the narrative of the living,
came ghost prior to soul,
for the former like leech
clung to the body,
the latter to a gamble for
god...
       socialism of ants...
             no utopia marks today
with a dream of tomorrow...
yesterday? any excuse as need be
making...
        came a thought with
Helsinki... and the finnish blonde who
downed ***** without second asking,
'came the glorious glut of old age,
missing a nun...
              tiara, new riches London,
an Essex garden, a communist promenade,
namely a balcony, und röt...
fickle-t-fickle-t-**** mcqueen memorandum
anorexic ***-metrics...
queasy... past the hubris of
the countryside,
forever enslaved into the debauchery
of the urban environment... closure...
*****, the last, leat expected,
promenade of; puff puff, "eden";
came jazz from the:
*** prior Mongol...
    St. MARY'S DAWN...
                Freud as revolutionary in the salon
as the king of England being exposed
to the throne of thrones  
post the Barking crown,
or the Peckham scittle...
              ******* Rosemary pykies...
           no schlang no boot,
to crib no loot....
       ******* whiney grrr'e'l'ahs...
sensi soot ****...
and in the fraction of 1 to .000,000,000,000...
the circus ridiculous etc....
be gone in a minute,  
pop via missing personna
on a ******* milk carton
the next, calling it
blur when ought to be calling
it beck... short-snort...
delinquency of theatre...
          the remnant of the one lining
less hope, and more,
and aversion to a resurrection.

strange... oh so strange... this liquid fire,
  and the emerging oyster's worth
of tongue,
   and this, this,
thi strange sensation of counting
the number of teeth...
  ah... to touch the lips of death,
to feel one's bones...
complementing the constant
recurrence of: dreaming of teeth -
are they to turn to iron?

i call philosophy the belgian waffle -
please, speak, continue speaking,
continue searching for the ultimate
thought, as scientists seek the ultimate
theory, the theory of everything,
the unison synchronisation -
the final debt paid -
    whether in ratio or in fraction -
feed me...
  
the more you waffle on off on a tangent,
the more i transpire into a welcome
guise, hidden, bereft,
          i never liked crosswords because
i never liked the thesaurus invitation -
conjure a synonym / antonym with
a cryptic clue... i better puke over all of that
"craft" with beelzebub's *****
    what sort of fascination:
to spew one's digestive ***** into the food
before one's poly-diadem eyes
and then slurp it back up?
well... humanity uses yeast...
   hence beelzebub's answer - you throw
yeast into flour dough, you hibernate
yeast over autumnal grapes,
pouring over them crushed a gallon
of warm water with sugar melted into it...
clarity, murgy see-through waters of
sugar melted in water...
   like the chemical orchestra of petrol
dissolved in a puddle...

i have mine: now let's see yours...

     ah... mention the un-sayable thought?
to endure the silence?
    such reach high above your head (ego),
just mention the application of diacritical
marks...
      and how english has become
so debased as to c u l8er...
   mangled, decapitated souls -
those, befitting dante's inferno, soaked in
sulphur and **** bombs...
      ugly dyslexic things...
              
mind you, i can wake up with a "hangover",
mawn the lawn, do the laundry,
       peel the tatties for hungarian scruffs
and watch the hungarian broth boil...
    and then read a few aphorisms of heidegger...
and manage to count myself a worthy
addition to the current day...
   i have my obligations, never mind the drinking...
you really couldn't compete with me...
i'd drink you under the table and then take
you below the earth, drinking you into
a grave...
                 spoil yourself, you little *******...
pardon my french...
           point being, i'd love to see
what you'd write, having drunk as much as
i have.

on your wits! boyo. on your wits!
make that mental uniform well ironed;
ah... always the multitude of personna -
  as if dignifying the icon of some hindu god.

.as ever, some memorable lines bumping like atoms in my head, and instead of a pen and paper handy, or a keyboard, all i have is a mouth full of toothpaste, shampoo in my hair, a Popeye's squirm, one hand washing my genitals and the other holding the shower (handle), replying aloud to "the third person": what?!

... and after that? a whole array of punctuation
marks: drying yourself,
remembering the last conversation
from yesterday,
                 '****, this would be a waste
of a **** fine bottle of amber-glug...'
                            (not that it matters)...
'this might as well be a dial-up modem!'
  again: punctuation marks...
    putting your pinky finger into
the pinky end of a glove to dry out your
ears before putting in the headphones and
plugging in...
   what will it be today...
   jazzy cosmopolitan feel....
or airy, haunting, indie cosmopolitan
nostalgia -esque -esque of a missing
   prefix?
              ah...
   (i still find horror movie soundtracks
the most ideal lullabies...
   forget about Strauss dying
                              with a lack of
     contentment at not being able to write
a serious piece of work...
  well... if you're going to be a waltz-poodle
for the Habsburgs...
   you're going to be a waltz-poodle
till your fingerprints are no more...
   and you die a death by macaroons...
in a room filled with: white lilies...
as a joke: Strauss, waking upon
the deathbed:
    any of you ******* put those
chrysanthemums near me! i swear!
    better throw some fallen autumn leaves
from the park! i've never encountered
the scent of a rotting fern...
but these flowers just about do it!)
      ha!
this would have been a waste of a good
bottle of whiskey...
why didn't i encounter this prior...
   toiling in what ended up being something
of a cough medicine in terms
       of: well... something or other.
- unless i remember what it was...
    however many pockets in a day...
Nietzsche and pockets...
         or rather the film starring jim carrey,
dark crimes...
         and... yeah... that filter layer...
that something like this happens...
   but then turned into a movie...
     well... that doesn't exactly hide what
is made into an elaborate fiction:
working from a very base beginning...
like metallurgy...
      reality is the base ore... crude...
  un-rehersed...
  until it is subjected to... refinement...
  but that isn't the point:
       what is Heidegger's
    dasein in relation to journalism
in relation to post-journalism as in:
the film industry?
       which deviates from a mere "existence"
(out of every instance...
  my variety of ex-instance [E, A...
O... what's the difference?]
     there's an insistence) -
   and becomes... presence...
            or rather...       concern...
otherwise known as: the murky wood...
synonymous a variety of
other psychoanalytical metaphors...
yet in a film like 4.5/10 IMDb starring
jim carrey (well **** me!
    6.5 IMDb nicholas "8mm" cage!)
       that... dasein aura that journalism
cannot capture:
   as if we're supposed to be repeatedly
shocked by what "doesn't" happen:
when it clearly happens...
        en masse journalism:
frankly? i prefer the anaesthetic prior
to my tooth being drilled...
                     alternatively:
the film industry has made me
dasein ******...
                                      like gaining
access to a third eye that's in
the back of my head:
   and a ego-"personna"
           that capitulates to the role
of puppeteer:
   whereby the cognitive essence of
"thought" is: third person...
                   or... akin to the movie
get out:
                  always that one shutter-close
prior to: no other eventuality.
- besides that!
   already criticism:
nagging nagging, pampering
to... der geliebt leßer...
                     my ***: to some
coffee-mug "whining rhyming" poetics...
- but sure as ****...
you can make a fine, fine cauliflower
soup... as long as you add fried
   chouriço sausage to it...
  (χoυριςo) - which has clearly
entombed an orthographic error:
            correction - χoυρισo -
yes... every roman in italics:
is just as well (in appearence) greek -
but guess what!
   ever see a Greek write Greek?
i mean: handwriting...
                    even i inquired...
crux?

                Υ                        Ν

- is that an N?
- no... that's a U...
- "huh?!"

mind you: they do look pretty similar,
and i am more used to Vv(5)...
                                      ν / υ

and that was a real life scenario...
back on the 23rd of November 2018...
Warsaw...
     and giving directions
to get from Modlin (aiport)
               to Warsaw (central)...

still... a whole jar of coffee...
  and thankfully there's double cream in
the house... at 30% fat...
what coffee isn't a Hollywood coffee?

- and then there's that...
thought from the shower...

           honest to god...
give me the 1950s / 1950s-esque
   technicolor movies...
   eastmancolor - or whatever you want
to name them...
that very specific tinge...
acrylic...
   and you can hide all the CGI
and all the phosphorescent neon
             80s optic-**** festivities...
and those panoramic one shot
scenes... where a man on horseback
travels from one end of the panorama
to the other: and there is no cutting
             involved: no sub-movie editing...

mind you:
i'm still trying to find the sort of person
that could epitomize
   being more inclined to read
comic books... than watch a movie...

  coffee and cream... coffee and cream...
and a wintry afternoon.