it has never been real, but it is an eloquent lie you're being told
sadly, obviously untrue

cut perfectly along seams, missing screws carefully stored, missing handles cleanly, completely disappeared

too-perfect scratches only inspire the appropriate messy panic when they are given the benefit of the doubt

anyone can reason that there is no reason for this to be believed

i know you can see me,
i am shaking,
shivering, wincing and twitching
it doesn't look good by any means

but i know you can see me,
breathing,
breathing, grounding, focusing
while it doesn't look good, would you please believe me

i am handling it
the best i can
i promise, i am handling it

there's not a single word left,
when nothing changes
and you realize you were always too far gone

you have always been in too deep,
and  farther, much farther than anyone wants to be for you

i.
cup your hand underneath a flower, delicate
rest your hand, fingers splayed around on a neck, on a chest,
on a check

ii.
a feeling so strong in your chest it might spill over,
has always meant danger, anger, control
please push
down avoid
this is something new something
soft so much of something soft

iii.
this softness is often terrifying in its unfamiliarity

i.
it is hard to find poetry in this,
unfocused,
staring,
glaring,
detached

ii.
blurry images, twisted
headache

i.
when i read your words about you holding me,
me holding you,
i see them in the shape of your head on my chest, your hands
on my heart and my hands
in your hair, around your wrists, on the back of your neck my face
in your hair these words
smell like your shampoo
feel like your short soft hair feel like your fingertips
on my collarbone your palm on my shirt
feel like us together, feel like us safe

ii.
of course,
this is about you
my good

i.
i know my body is not the same body you hurt, my skin not the same skin

ii.
i know you've never said my name
and i know you haven't said another word to me since

iii.
but i know
i still have the same nightmares
the same fears
this new body tremors the same