i couldnt say whether it happened overnight
or over the time span of a year
but it all started when
i stayed in a motel room
one i barely knew
one that sure knew how to treat its guests
it said there was no vacancy
but i dont play by the rules
at first it felt nice to get away but
i got myself into a room so fast i had to do a double take
however, at the time i liked what i saw
and it quickly became a new home
the cigarette smoke that once made me nauseous
now enticed me
i didnt even mind the mattress
as long as i was in the owners arms
i thought it was a perfect fit
but the room started to get dim
i started to turn the **** for months
not realizing i didnt have the keys
i didnt have control
so i tore up curtains
and kicked at the walls
never too hard
always sure to patch it up
but the motel had enough problems
and didnt need a flaw in its business
so my stay was up
but the vacancy inside me wasnt
and it was then my sheets that became scratchy
my hair that smelt like cigarette smoke
you see,
i left the motel
but the motel never left me

they talk love up,
not the kind that is guaranteed
the one you have to find
not the one you're sworn in by.
the electric buzz of your hand moving a strand of my hair
the smile you couldn't keep hidden away
made me believe in magic
but i should know better
someone that can bring you that high up
can sure as hell bring you down that low
your eyes don't sparkle like they used to
****, you barely even look at me
is it too painful
or is it because you don't want to see my eyes longing for you
like the sun longs for the moon
but they can never be together
you said you'd never hurt me
maybe you cant take the guilt
you hunch your shoulders to take up less space
but somehow act bigger
why kick a girl when shes already down
don't you know
i would water a dead flower for years
if it meant i could see color again
when i speak your name
i need something to get the bad taste out of my mouth
the language of love is now bitter
we fell apart in the winter
as everything died
i was the last leaf clinging to your branch
not even the wind was enough to shake me
but you were tired of trying
you told me i needed to stop my bad habits
not realizing that you were my worst one
i poured all my love into you
but you were still left empty
you craved a different kind of substance
and now
so do i.

the flowers are blooming
but droop so fast
my mind and body do not match
i ache for understanding
flashing signs of low battery
no energy left to act happy
or to fake a smile
he shakes my hand
and says congratulations
a routine to such people
im nothing special
does it really mean anything
if the paper could be ripped in an instant
or burned to grey ash
just a shade lighter than my soul
dont cry for me
you dont want to feel this
everything seems like a lie
the ambiance is alive but i want to die
because its hard to believe they love me
when i dont love myself
and its hard to believe they're proud of me
when im not proud of myself

a match ignites
my mind is dry
it catches like a forest fire
eyes gleam with flames
the opposite of passion
melting everything i love
lips cracked
throat tight
my skin is a body bag
my bed is a morgue
strapped down inside
body paralyzed
an electrical shortage in my head
what once made me free
now drags me down
bound to my inner most hatred
i place the chemical under my tongue
an inch of bitter
just to experience color again
i sacrifice being present in a tangible moment
by trying to capture it behind a lens
because i'm scared it won't happen again
or maybe i'm scared it will
and i want to be prepared
but you can't be ready for everything
there's no drill that would've helped me through this pain
i super glue the blinds shut over my mind
and keep away the antifreeze from my heart
there hasn't been a rainbow in awhile
just rain
and you broke my umbrella
i never hold my breath while passing a cemetery
the only difference between them and me
is they have a final resting place

and it was truly a mystery,
the way she held it all together
she was so unpredictable
the type to give you butterflies
no, stronger.
heavy rope knots in the pit of your stomach
an uneasy feeling that you somehow became addicted to.
she always left you breathless
at first you questioned it
is it worth it?
but when you made her laugh, she'd light up like no other
she'd glow like the rare full moon
a sight everyone went out to see
almost making you believe in the fiction known as werewolves
oh, she could lure them all without even trying.
she'd yell at you for starring at her
but when you closed your eyes she's all you could see
and you desired to see nothing else.
when she grabbed you and spun you around
she was the only thing in focus
the only thing you were sure of.
you no longer felt the need to look at the sky each night
because you already saw the stars gleam in her eyes.
she made you feel every emotion possible
but the one you felt strongest, she wasn't capable of.
she was so afraid, but never spoke of it
that's what hurts you the most.
she spewed hurtful, toxic words
but never enough to make you leave.
she couldn't fake the anger, it was too much.
she was like a puzzle you almost complete
only to realize there are missing pieces
and you just can't make out the image.
you lost your mind trying to figure out hers.
addicted to the feeling
the lingering presence of her
you couldn't get enough
and brought yourself over the edge.
unaware of the time that had passed
you opened your eyes to a dark room
and now all you're left with are the memories
on replay.