Chubby doesn't bother me.
I am ok with big
It's not the curves
the fat
Or the occasional roll
It's not my jiggly upper thighs
My thick legs.
That bother me.
I think my body has beauty.
I believe my body has beauty as long as I love it.
As long as I am willing to stand up tall
And walk with confidence
My body has beauty
As long as I continue to use my body
To move
Stretch
Feel
ache
dance
jump
lust
be...
Then my body has beauty
I am still insecure
But I know
That when I ask myself
Would you really be prettier when you're smaller?
I can say honestly
No.
Because I know
I can only be as pretty as I let myself be
No matter what form I take
My body has beauty
As long as I love it.

The conversation of a lifetime
As we sit
Spinning words from the air around us
Tension filled
And woven with hints of strength
Every breathe and movement
Recorded
Taken in
Soaked up and filtered through
Glances to the right
To an empty wall with stories untold
To the left
A window, filled with the smell of the world
To each other's eyes
Only to fall back on to simple laps
Too scared of the riled feelings
Overwhelming sense of anticipation
Licking my lips
Savoring the flickers of life
I forget what we are talking about
But we keep talking
The conversation of a lifetime
I don't remember what's been said
But I have the rest of my life to listen.

I am tired.
I am tired of
hating you
envying you
despising you
But I am mostly tired
of remembering you.
I am tired
of breaking my heart
every time I look in the past.
I am tired of remembering how
sweet
the taste of first love is.
I am tired
of not being able to like anyone else
Beyond the physical
And I am tired
of not feeling for anyone else
And I am tired of realizing this all over again.
I am tired of looking at your happy faces.
I am tired of remembering how happy I should have been all the time
And of how happy I was some of the time.
I am tired of people telling me
All this bogus stuff.
About how you aren't the same person
Not the one I loved.
And I am tired of putting up this front.
And I am tired of hoping maybe I'll find happiness again too.
I want to want someone with innocence again.
I want to share things with them in a shy way
And I want to hold hands and watch the shadows of it.
I want to have a gentle first kiss.
I want someone to pull me back towards them after I kiss them on the cheek,
So that they can kiss me fully on the mouth.
I want someone to love me again as purely as you did.
I want someone to care for me.
And I want to be able to give that back finally.
But I'm broken.
But I'm foolish.
But I am young.
But now is the time for me finally.
Because I want those things but I want so much more too.
I want every experience I can get
Because I desperately don't want to be the one
Who is "43 and still waiting for my life to start."
So yes, I want all these things
And yes, sometimes I hate you
And yes, sometimes I cry because I don't have you.
And yes, I am not sure I will ever be able to love again.
And yes, I am sure that you will always be stronger than me now.
And yes, I know you'll  be in love without me for the rest of your life.
And yes, this isn't how I expected to end this poem.
But I think it might just be better than the ending I was feeling.

You move
      I move
You ******
       I moan
You touch
         I burn
You murmur
          I gasp
Your hands grasp
                        and pull
I heave and slither
        You bite
                 and I crush
You squeeze
And I giggle.

Knew this feeling
Long before it came into being
As you smiled reassuringly
As you slipped from the window
As the light splintered across the snow
So fresh
As we crunched through it
We spoke through bumping elbows
And gentle awkward coughs
Our fleeting smiles
Our rosy cheeks
Our daring meet of hands
We trudged through the snow
Crusty with hardened ice
I knew this feeling
Before it even came into being

I grab a shoe
        a shoe
        a shoe
Because everyone wears shoes
Because everyone needs shoes

I grab a shoe
         and I shove my foot
    straight in
              Because that's what everyone does
Because my foot wasn't good enough
            as is.
    Despite,
                 supporting my weight
and keeping me afloat.
My foot needs more, to be complete.
Because all feet get cold, I guess.

But this shoe annoys,
          it suffocates
          it squishes my toes
that just want to wriggle free

        And I'll have to wear it,
as uncomfortable as it is,
           until I wear it down
     But soon after that,
this one
                             will have given up on me.

And I'll just have to get a new one,
               and go through the whole thing,
   Because everyone needs shoes
                 All their lives

But even after I have
          shoved this foot into
that shoe
the ordeal isn't yet over.
    a shoe needs effort to work right
you've got to tie it up to keep it on.

So I grab this lace,
         and I scoop up that lace
and I pull like I've seen others do,
    the grip on my foot gets tighter,
But this shoe's not going anywhere either.

So I start crisscrossing
and looping
and more pulling
and stretching
and soon,
           I've got a finger
    or two
          stuck.

Frustrated,
                          I yank them out.
and the whole thing unravels.
                         and I've got to start again.

But to no avail;
with no point

                      Because

even when I slow down,
                           I get distracted,
Even when I focus,
                   I fail

But I spend hours
and hours
          trying to knot these **** laces
trying to tie this **** shoe

                         Because everyone wears shoes.
They make it look so easy,
They make it look so fun,
          
But my foot just wants free.
To roam without constraints.

But bare-feet aren't the norm,
So I'll keep sitting here,
Slowly learning to tie my shoe.

Dear you,
Dear anyone,
Dear someone,
Would you listen to me?
I just have a few things to say, a few statements to make.
This can't be healthy.
This can't be me.
I am just trying to find a corner to stay in
Tired of blowing from place to place
Where should I stay?
No place wants someone so unstable.
No one wants the girl who's opinions and stances
change with the temperature.
No one wants to wait for the storms to stop.
And no one should have to.
If I could choose a me
I would
And I do.
But my decisions are never permanent.
My temperature is never decided.
I could never stay just one way
No matter how hard I try to make sense of everything...
I always point something out to myself that doesn't fit
So if someone could just tell me how to fix this
If someone could just tell me how to slow my thoughts down
How to simmer my anger
How to curb my obsessions
How to move on
If someone could tell me the secret to relaxing
To not caring
Maybe I could be a better person
Maybe I could be a better friend
Maybe I could be a better daughter
If someone could tell me...How to ignore myself
When I am filled with rage
Blind in all it's flames
Then I wouldn't burn myself
Then I wouldn't be by myself
So could you tell me?
Could you help me?
This is just a desperate prayer
To anyone and any kind of God out there.
Because I've spent years praying to myself,
And I have yet to receive an answer.
So could you?

What I managed to regrow,

You stomped on.

You waltzed into my garden

Like you had grown the whole place yourself,

Your nose in the air.

You looked at my carrots and scoffed,

My cucumbers you mocked

And you thought my garden gnomes were ******.



And I let you,

Because you acted like you knew so much about gardening

You said the caterpillars would help my leaves

And the crows would **** out my rotten veggies

But those cruel birds have just been eating away at my prize-winning squash,

and the tomato worms....well, they ate all my ripe tomatoes.



You said  you'd help me tend to my garden

But you rarely make it over

And when you do, you throw a shovel in my face

And tell me to get on my knees.

You watch while I ****

And talk about the grandeur of the flowers next door.

And I wonder as I wipe my brow,

What I ever thought I needed you for?

And why you ever came over in the first place,

Since you obviously prefer pretty colors to nutrition

And you must have had some notion that I would one day realize,

That you've never kept anything alive in your life,

And you don't even have a yard.

The skin is rough
feels like it's been rubbed against cracked concrete walls
all day.
feels like
it's been scalding
heating from the inside
burning through it's own skin
no more tingles
just licks of flames
and caved in nerves.
Rough as it curves over
the valleys
and mountains of my home
sick thighs
and rough
as it soothes over my rotten lies
Rough
The skin is rough
cracked
dry
bending through the seams
of young girls
like touching
a dying leaf.
Half feeling the lack
of feeling
dried out
put on the cement.

Map me out
Follow my lines as you see fit
Take the roads you think you know
Float down my rivers
Smooth over my mountains
Kiss my valleys
Sneak up my hills
I am no fortress
I want you to invade me
I want you to control me
Force my people into slavery
Bite into my crops to feed your army
Don't be afraid to mark up my land
To leave trails in the dirt
Like scratches
Like claw marks
I promise to give everything
But only if you promise to take it from me.
I promise you won't meet resistance
And if you are like me,
Then we can switch these roles.
I will try my hardest
To rule over you,
With complete control.
But only if you beg first.

Between the saint
and the sinner
I've lost my footing
I feel the clothes tugging off me
And the pants coming undone
And the sweat seeping into the sheets
And I wish I  could feel the eyes judging me
because I think
it would
be hot
I wish I could feel the guilt
When I'm being pushed into
When I'm lost
I wish I could be found outside myself
I wish I had another hand to grasp
Another neck to bite
More skin to tug at.
The sneaking rush is what I want
The naughty giggles
I want to be right
For all the wrong reasons
The corruption
The seduction
I want the regret
I want to avert my eyes and blush
At the mention
of a ....
I want flesh
To make me anxious
To make me feel like
I am going to hell.

So This is the final battle ground,
This is where my heart settles in the soil.

Where the silver swords clash
And rich blood seeps into a crimson soaked ground.

Where the darkening night,
Gives way to truth
And a sorrow washes over the population.

Where a cry filled with rage and regret fill every corner of our minds.

This is the final battle ground
Where we shall last forever
Having loved only once
And Cried so many times.

Buried with the blood of our enemies,
Staying forever in a memory of violence.
Our hearts shall never truly find the light.

Swords clash
Sparks fly
Turmoil ensues
Let us stop this now
Before it kills us all.

I eat you up
like the salty taste of chocolate
you melt around my tongue
and leave a yearning in my cheeks

I love you raw
my lips meet your smooth skin
and trail them with burns
my breath scorches your flesh

You breath in
and out
Stomach crashing like
the waves to the rocks
and I take you in
with every beat

I grasp, I cling
We sweat
and collapse
and in the midst of slumber
it happens all again

And as we argue
over who's using who
with legs entangled
and chins nestled into necks,
I know every shoulder
kissed softly,
every pause took
to brush lips,
every time your head rests on my belly
and you sigh, corner lips on my button
my fingers wrapped around your curls,
That this isn't use
It's love

When I no longer
Crave your skin
It'll be because I
no longer enjoy the shower
of your laughter
When I don't want to slip my thighs around you
and squeeze,
it'll be because
I no longer want to know your thoughts
When I no longer want to meet you on the pillows,
It'll be because you no longer warm me
when you smile at me from across the car.

So if, in the middle of our passions,
your mind grows doubtful of my heart
Know that this bed is not the source of my love,
but a symptom, a sign,
an expression.
Because words and roses and lilies and chocolates are
simply not enough.
And maybe if you can't understand in my kiss,
maybe you won't ever understand at all,
because I know of no better way to tell you,
I love you.

Salty droplets leaking down my young face
Sinking into soft fur
   The sun is creeping past the horizon
     Spilling golden light like honey
       Pushing back the darkness
          Only to reveal the world I feel so distanced from
              Another night ended, spent lamenting
                The hell I live in
                  And the agony I create for myself
                    The hours are ticking down
                      My life is slipping through my hands
                       Tears on my teddy bear
                     because it's the only thing that won't hurt me
                        Tears on my teddy bear
                     because it's the only comfort I can hold in this home
                         Tears on my teddy bear
                    because I am all alone.

I can't even touch my feelings
I used to live in them
Now I live beside them
Day and day again
I watch them go
They want in
I want them to stay out.
I push the door shut and the window closed.
We are separate entities now.
They scream in frustration now.
Aching to get back in.
I tell them they are still in here with me.
I feel the memories of them
Every day a rip or two reopens
But I close my eyes quick
Lick away the blood.
Acting as if it never happened.
As if the bandaids had worked
Because I know half the cuts are from myself.
So I tell my feelings I still hold them dear
But I just hold my own survival nearer.
I don't want to destroy myself.
I want to destroy everyone else.
I want to push until they tear
Crush until they break
I want to become so sharp
That a look from my eyes can
make them bleed.
I want the world to know
What my insides have felt
And what my heart desires.
From love to lust
From wanting to fix it
To wanting to break it.
I don't have time for guilt
I don't have time for pain
Hurt,
Anger
I don't have time to feel pity
I don't have anymore room.
And sometimes my own selfishness makes me sick
But this gets me one step closer to the completion
of me.
I am done with dissecting the human race
They've infected themselves
And I am one step behind but catching up quick
I am trying to play a game with a finesse
That someone as new as I cannot possess.
I can't even touch my feelings.
And until today it wasn't a choice.
Let me lick the cut.

This is the journal I found you in
This is the notebook that witnessed
a girl falling in love
     with a cliche.

This is not the journal I lost you in.
              
I lost you on the internet
            in my car
in the rain
I lost you through through text and phone

           I lost you in life.
With no journal to witness my struggle
Because I replaced the lined pages with your
ears
and
lips
I opened your chest and made my home there.
When I was evicted
I had no place.
No place to lay my weary head.
No place to rest my thoughts
No pillows for my tears to fall on
No eyes for my smiles to capture.
No hands to hold. Only the empty.

This is the life I found you in.
But it is not the life I got to keep you in.

You said
I was a good person
You made the guilt shift and move
It tightened in my chest
And I figured it would be safe
To just nod yes
I choked
And you spoke
You said blissful things
Your eyes never pierced like that day
When you said I was a good person
You said it so many ways
I knew I would forget in days
Knew I'd push the innocence away
Let it slither down the darkest
Let it tunnel down in my heart
I stood there,palms sweating
Heart thumping
I stood there and listened
The weather grew cold
And skys turned stony
Your breath showed
As you puffed out every word
I tried to tell you
Tried to show you with my eyes
So I would never have to with my actions
You leaned closer
My back hit brick
You smiled
I simply looked at you
You said
I was a good person
As you moved closer
I thought
I won't be, after you leave.

I want you to know
That this is a lie
That this is a stain
Set deep into my skin
I want you to know
That these are scratches down
my back
deep in my skin
I went from fragile
to tough
to broken
and I let it all fall apart
And now it shatters
Breaking every time I hit the bottom.
Every glass emptied
and every night ended
In busted tears and bottles
Sleep found on floors and pavement
No hope for arms and comfort
I'm the wreck I never envied
And every girl I always hated
Every sin I despised
And lacking every virtue I admired
I slipped deep into nihilism
And I don't know how to crawl back out.

I feel the warm crimson flow over my tongue
I spit out the words I would never say
Let it slide down the side of the sink
Watch it slip away
Drown the darkness of the drain
I spit them out and say goodbye
I will never really understand why
I let so  many things stay bundled up inside.

Will you be there, when the lights go down
and time takes it slow
If the rain stopped today, would you praise the sun
Forget the storm
Run wild in the heat
When my curtain closes, and all you can see is my eye
Glaring back at you
Will you buy a ticket for another show?
After summer fun in the park
Late at night
With the dark breeze around us
And the noises so soft
Graffiti surrounding
If the words weren't so foul,
would you lose them from the mind's eye
I need only reach out
Brush your sleeve
I know you are here.

The air trembles
over the rough tingling skin
of my simple lips
The world around
cold
gray
thick and wet like the dewy morning grass
Eyes caught up in one in another
Raw knuckles brushing
against loose shirts
The pads of your fingers
Swirled and soft
The cotton stretches overhead
And whispers float away
on our small smiles
in September days
We curl around each other
Bodies mapping out the movements
Subconsciously preparing for the moment of contact
Jeans await anxiously to meet
Your voice doesn't fall out of your mouth
It streams, steady, sturdy, without question
My shoulders open and welcome
Teeth gazing invitingly
This thrumming doesn't stay contained
It moves throughout my limbs, my core.
You light me
You lift me
Even if it's only a little.
Even if it's only this.
I could play in this negative space happily
Until the time comes to move on.

Wouldn't you know it
by the curve of her hip and lip
she's smoking
she's smoldering
she's everything you'd ever want
i think she may be made of air

Wouldn't you know it
she's so descriptive
So detailed
Blueprinted before the day she was conceived
Fine printed
Fine tasted
Wined and Grind
Have her with dinner
Don't forget to swallow before you choke.

When the stars come out
They should find me
Desolate, dead
Too far gone to shine upon

They would find my skin limp
As limp as skin can be
Dried out
And my bones too hollow to fill

The stars, in all their glowing glory
Will shrink farther away
No one, no thing
Could love the dead
Such as me

My eyes will be sanded over
No moisture will be left
My wrist will withered
And my knees will be crushed

I'll be a cave of empty wonder
Where there was a heart
There is none!

My lips part out in a muffled scream
The slowest scream the stars never heard

The night sky will look upon me
And detest the rest of this dead race
Because what kind of being
Would let someone rot so much
As to not be rotten?

I'll be nothing but lightly packed dust
And it'll be true
That no love had ever touched me,
By the time the stars come out.

To this awkwardness
I stay true
Who's to be me
If I'm trying to be you?
Where does the line draw
And how can I step above and not across?
Can't look in the mirror
and see Ads
Can't model clothes that look just like overpriced bags
Can't be perfect
Can't be fake
Then again can't figure out just what it takes
To get up everyday
and feel worth fighting for
To feel that something in every way
I cling to this me
It's the only thing I can be

You laughed
The sound fell on my ears
My face was flushed
And in my rush to get up
My feet met ice once more
My bottom felt very very sore
You face contorting in amusment
Hunched over
Teeth bared
You were nothing but a wolf
In very cute sheep's clothing....
I stumbled gracefully as I could covered in fluffy bits of snow
I huffed past you
Determined not to nudge my chin from it's lofty height
You laughed some more and raced after me
You tackled me
We landed so awkwardly
Your legs on one side of my snow covered boots
Your face two inches from mine
You laughed again
I glared
You stopped laughing and considered me
You grinned and said
'You're a kluts'
I wiggled under you determined to give you a piece of my mind
My mind....That was so happy to see you
So willing to be near you
And that was rolling down the same path as my heart
You leaned closer and whispered
'One of the many reasons I like you'
I paused my wiggling for a second
'You're like a snowflake, different everytime I look at you.'
I tilted my head and listened ever so intently
'Plus you're kinda cold...'
I rolled my eyes
"You're romantic"
You just grinned that sloppy off balanced smile
'You must be, the Snow Queen or something, you give the best winter kisses.'
Our faces so close now
The snow was freezing,seeping into my jacket
You pressed your lips to mine
And gave me a million different winter kisses.

And
           if
         I
can't look into
             the mirror
  and see
me
    anymore
I'm not
                blaming you
       But
I am
         leaving  you

And if
             I can't
   look into the mirror
and
   love me
anymore
I'm not
       blaming you
but I am
            saying goodbye you
hello me

And if
I wake up
           lonely without you
At least
        I won't
     wake up
empty without me.

You are ***.
   I remember you in hotel rooms,

You are ***,
   I remember you in redone garages,
A mother talking in her sleep
  While lips and other things touch under covers

You are ***.
   I remember you after going out to get a drink from the garage
His back pressed against the old car
My knees on the ***** concrete.

You are ***,
  I remember you in dormitories
Being quiet because of paper thin walls
and awkward moments with unexpected roommates.

You are ***,
   I remember you in cars
Mine at 4 in the morning,
Every seat violated.
His car in the backseat
In the parking lot,
Public, but while snow fell down
First ****** in a car,
first ****** while looking at something so picturesque,
First from kisses down under,

You are ***,
You are *** in the shower
You are *** in the morning
You are *** loud and hard
You are *** sensual and slow and quiet
You are *** yet to be had
You are *** in parts of me that should never be touched,
You are hot and sticky
Anywhere I want you
On my ******* or in my mouth
You are ***,
And I want you.