Hey you, I know you won't hear this, but I miss you a lot.
Life has been weird since you went and knocked off my socks.
It's crazy how far in the rocks I've landed.

It coulda been three years today, but instead we gave each other tears.

I may only be 20.
But if you'd look in my mind,
You'd be shocked what you find.
The things you'd see.
Would make you want to go blind.
So many things kept locked up.
And I won't be shook,
To give up the key.

How long will your name create these shadows on the wall?
The thought of you; bring a man, who once thought he was immortal , to his knees ?

I made a road to South Carolina playlist.. there was never supposed to be a road to Minnesota one. Not that led to this.

Here I am thinking
Bout everything I did to you
I can't believe it.
That we made it that far.
Oh my , how strong you are.
I have no words that make up for I what did.
Took things things from you that weren't mine to give away.
Like that place down yonder
With that broken *** glass
And the overpriced water.
Hot as hades , oh **** I don't  mind.
Cause I had that pretty girl with that chicken nugget stuffed face.
Well look at that
This is more looking like a rap
So ****
Gotta go
But takes us out one more time.
Like that place down yonder
With that broken *** glass
And the overpriced water.
Hot as hades , oh **** I don't  mind.
Cause I had that pretty girl with that chicken nugget stuffed face.

Here I am stuck and sad.
Prayin that you'll come back.
Can't get you off my mind girl.
For you I'd go **** near blind.
From this light right here on my **** arm.
Well **** maybe I'm just crazy.
Cause we said that this here was love , now didn't we baby?
I could be just a lil **** mad , but you fell in the love with the joker, so I think I'm doing just a lil bit fine.
Hell, this is almost like a song for you.
Maybe a lil beetbox and some drum.
Hit you with that magic again.
You'll make me feel like a king again.
Well **** maybe I'm just crazy.
Cause we said that this here was love, now didn't we baby?

I don't need you to go see the Dodgers play in the Ravine.
To the cherry blossom Trees in Japan.
Or to find myself.

On an overlook in Quarry Park; initials are carved.
Our love lasts forever in those grains of wood.
It's too bad we couldn't.

Número Uno.
Light , because the darkness can always be scared away.
Because there's always a way through.
No matter how small.

A mattress on the floor.
A sofa with no tv to look at.
Just each other,the lamp, and the Polaroids on the wall.

Girl, I loved the way you'd dance in the car.
I hope you're happy.
The way you wake up in the morning.
Truly.
How excited you get over Val's.
Please.
The way you said my name.
That's all I want.
The way we last made love in Tennessee.
You shine brighter than the moon.
The way you held me that first night in South Carolina.
I hope you're truly happy Chicken ****.
I Love you to the moon back, and want nothing more for you to be happy.

Happy Birthday to you.
I can't stop thinking of the things I had planned for us today, but there's no longer an Us.
I hope your day is wonderful, and spent with the people you love.

I still recall what you said.
" I need something else,with someone else."
Each letter a dagger.
Makes my heart weaker every time I think about it.
"Try not to think about it." Everyone says.
I wish it was that easy.

I'm not same person as before.
Even since this morning I've changed.
I used to wake up and think " what would you want me to do?"
Now I really don't give a ****.
Because I'm doing me.
You left at my worst , and I'd be a fool to let that stop me from becoming my best.
Don't bother coming back, if you ever think to.
This isn't some hopeful note you'll see, and magically come back.
I don't believe in your magic anymore.

Where did they go.
The pen and paper have run away.
Words don't want to rhyme any more.
Maybe I should take a couple of days.

I can't deny that I miss you.
Or that I wake up every day at four In the morning, hoping to see you next to me.
But, I know that's not how it is anymore.
It hurts.
I keep telling myself " oh she doesn't care."
But, I know that's not the truth.
You were just doing what's best for you, I can't get mad at that.
I have to do the same.

Sitting at this train park realizing it's one of the only places I remember down here.
There's new paint on everything, and it doesn't look the same.
It was all wore down the last time I was here.
But that's whats beautiful when something gets ruined, it can come back as something better.
You just have to put in the work.

I love those buildings.  
Driving 35 northbound.
Happiness I've found.

Things will get better.
Hell, the Cubs just won the World Series.
It just takes time.

Yes, I am sad that I pushed you away.
I regret the things I did to you, and the way I made you feel.
For what I put you through.
I feel ashamed of the choices I made.
But I can't change that.

I am hurt, because I miss you.
Because I love you.
I've been wallowing in my own sadness and depression.
I'm going to get help.
But I owe it to myself to let you go.
I'm not saying it will be easy, or that I might wake up tomorrow and not still have these feelings.
I'm been trying to push these feelings away, instead of letting them in.

I forgive myself.
I forgive you.

I don't know what's scarier , the kids in their costumes. Or the thought of being without you.

Where has the time gone grandpa ?
Your hair has gone from jet black to salt and peppered.
Did I really miss out on that much?

I guess it has been almost ten years since I last came down for more than a couple days.
I had only been seeing you in the summer , those 3 day escapes on the lake.
Now that I've been working with you for a couple weeks, I can see the wear of all the hard work you've done.

I may have missed out on a lot.
But, now I'm here.
Hoping to make up for missed time.

The souls awake at four in morning,
Are usually missing someone.
Or trying to fill that void that's left when that someone leaves.
Such a sad time, isn't it ?
The worse part is they might not even know it.
But, how can you blame yourself if they were the ones to leave?

The oceans battle each day with the shore.
A continuous fight.
People around the world have many a lore,
As to why the moon and the sun would love such a sight.
No one else can see.
How they long for each other.
But together they shall never be.
Alone they shall not suffer ,
The sun can rise happily know it will start everyone's day, and that the moon will restart the earth once it sets.
A continuous cycle,
Of two lovers not meant to be.

11:11.
I'm not wishing for you to come back.
I miss you like hell.
But I'm a train off the track.
In this beautiful city why should I dwell ?

I offered you a lifetime.
It would've took a year.
Maybe you weren't meant to be mine.
So I had to pack my gear.

I needed you to visit me that Thursday afternoon.
I needed my best friend.
But like the sun holding on to the earth  , I was let down by the rising moon.  
Away you fled.

Where were you hiding.
From what?
Couldn't you hear me crying ?
Or did you just cut me out.

****, not another one about you.
But, it's 5 In the morning.
My heart sinks thinking that maybe our love wasn't true.

Pictures don't do it justice, the way the buildings line the sky.
35-W in the distance.
The Gold Metal Flour sign blinking.
It's so calm after the long weekend.
Knowing full well that these two cities will jumpstart at the crack of dawn tomorrow.
But, for the now the blue green sky keeps giving away to the night.
The buildings reflect on the mighty Mississippi.
I'm glad to be home.

I look into the mirror, my eyes heavy like 400 pound weights hang from them.
Weeks of no sleep will do that to a man.
All these tricks, and I took the bait.
I ran, and ran.
It was no use , ya see.
Maybe you're not part of the plan.
I've got to focus on me.
Wolves will still howl at the moon and
the sun is not going to stop rising.
Roses painted yellow, not red will still bloom.
I owe it to myself to better myself and not stop trying.

Re read the letters.
There's bound to be some magic,
Left over from a kiss, or a passionate night.
It might just be overlooked.
Take a peak.
Read the spaces in between the lines, though they are empty, they say the most.
Try it slowly , or just a quick skim.
There's still time.
Wear my shirt.
Draw in the last scent of me in it , with your last breath.
Hold that necklace.
Feel the burning metal, let it reignite you.
Try the rings.
Perhaps it'll make you grin.
Don't let it die , don't let it fall.
I'm still here to catch you in spite of it all.

Will you think of me in each passing car ?
Hoping to see me in them.
For you, I'm never very far.
We may ask how we've been.
Those aren't the sentences our lips wish to speak.
At least not mine.

Of course there are two sides to every story.
Those steal mammoths may stand tall , but their shadows cast images of you  down every side alley and crevice in both of these towns.
The tip of that shiny stadium points directly at you.
Don't get me started on when that skyline mixes with the moon, and I can't breathe.
Or when the constellations spell out your name, fighting with the lights of the city. Always winning.

The cities have called me.
Drawn me in, with promises of a new start.
The skyline littered with steel mammoths.
A new stadium that points to a bright future.
I almost didn't answer.

I thought I had found love , that's was until I saw your beautiful brown eyes.
I thought I had found love , until I felt your touch.
I thought I had found love, then you kissed me.

Why should I write about you still? Give you the satisfaction ?
You don't read them anyway.
I don't know if you ever did.
**** , you might not even see this one.
Actually I know you won't, because you won't even look at it. So these words are just a shadow on the the wall, probably cast by the moon.

You said you thought I was coming to the city to be with her.
Ha.
I never put pen to paper for her.
Never filled those empty spaces between those red lines with a river of emotions.
I did that for you.
I'm not a saint.
I've accepted my mistakes.
Learned from them.
Yet, that river is now blocked by a dam you continue to add sticks to.
While me and this mighty river claw to bring it down.

I got pho today.
It didn't feel right.
When I put the noodles to my lips ,
I could only taste you.
The warmth I should've felt was gone.

I hope the thunder scares you.
Shakes your house.
Shakes you to the bone.
That he doesn't make you feel safe from the gods bowling up above.
Like I did.

I said "give me a year to give you a ring. "
You said you couldn't.
I should have given you that ring the minute you brought it up.

Alyna,
First , I want to sincerely apologize for the way I acted these past few days. I realize now that it wasn't helpful at all, and I hope that you can forgive me.

I've learned I can't change the past, or dwell on it any longer. I need to learn from those mistakes and move on from them. I need to be more open with you, and actually come to you when I'm having trouble with things instead of bottling them up. I've pushed you to the edge, but I know I have a lot of things I can improve on, and I want to work on improving them. We can get someone to talk to that can help us through this if we have to. Putting everything behind us , I just can't walk away. I know some of these wounds will take a long time to heal. You're the best thing that has happened to me. It'll take countless hours of talking and rebuilding your trust. There are still a lot of things I want to do with you and things I want to find to do to with you. I still have a lot of things to experience in this world , and I'd like to experience them with you. These things in the past don't have to define us.

We are still young and growing into the people we are going to be. I don't have everything in my life figured out, but I know how I feel about you. Things didn't go the way everyone , including me , thought they would. I never thought I'd feel this way about you, when I first " met " you that night two years ago in front of that holiday, over some stupid donuts.

This could be the middle of our journey , or even the beginning of it still. I honestly don't feel like it is the end, though I know it could be. I can't act like this anymore, this isn't me and we both know that. It won't always be easy, and no one else but us needs to understand it. I want to be successful with you, support your dreams , and push you toward them. While also being there when you think you're going to fall short. I had always thought love was expensive dinners , and fancy gifts. I see that it's none of that. I know now that it is rolling into their spot when you get up in the morning because it smells like you , feeling your hands on my face while we stare into each other's eyes. You asking me to bring something home on your way back from work and then grabbing the wrong thing so you have to go back. You calling me when I would get off work super late because you wanted me to come home. Coming home after a long day and feeling your hands around my body, and knowing that everything will be okay.

I won't always have the right words to say , but I'll try my best. I'll be there to hold you when you need me to, and to also give you your space. I'll be there to help you on a hard test , or when you're feeling nervous about your first interview for a teaching job. I'll start working harder and get a better job so that I can make a better life for not only you , but myself. I know I can't excuse the things I did , but I can only accept them and not let them define me , or our relationship. I think I pushed you away because the thought of spending your life with someone is scary, but now it doesn't seem that way at all.

I think I spent so much time trying to fix my past mistakes , that I lost sight of the present and future. I'm not worried about what people will say , or trying to regain you and your families trust. I just want to make you happy, and be a better person to you and myself. I've only ever watched my parents relationship fall apart. That's not what I want to happen to us. I'm very afraid to lose you.

I'm not asking you to take another chance with me. I want to jump into this together. Two people who love each other and are willing to do anything to be together. Who will fight for each other now matter what . Who see that this might only be a small speed bump on the long road ahead. Two people who believe that this can be fixed, and think that our relationship can be much more than it was.

I don't have very much money or possessions. My marbles aren't all there in my head, and I can't promise that I will always be strong for you. I do that I will love you unconditionally , be your shoulder to cry on, your feet when you think you can no longer stand. I will take care of you when you're sick and laugh at you when you find a silly
Joke. I will be your light when you are lost. The wind in your sail when you need a push. Your fire when you get cold. Your stinky.

I realize that it's going to take a lot more than what I have on these pieces of paper, but we have got to start somewhere. I'm ready to rebuild this from the bottom up. We have a lot of stuff to go through , and to talk about. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than with the person I love. I've held you to such high expectations , without setting the same for myself out of fear of failure. I want to commit my time, and energy to you , to us.

The wolf, once so excited to see the moon, can barely look at it without feeling gloom.

I thought I'd wake up , and see your face.
But, when I woke you were not anywhere to be seen.
That's not the case.
I was hoping this would be just a scary dream.

It's weird to think we shall never wake together again.
After all those nights.
The pieces of our love I had broken, I could not mend.
Though I tried with all my might.

Now the only way the moon will ever light our shadow again, is when it remembers that night almost two years ago when i first kissed you.

If only I could go back.
October 7th, our first date.
I'd tell myself ,
Our first apartment won't allow dogs , so don't choose it.
The girl you thought had taught you what love meant had never loved you as much as she will.
Don't start closing at dominos, you'll get into your own head.
Don't start talking to that girl, because you say things you don't mean.
Don't leave South Carolina,
Because there's nothing here for you anymore.

Your hand clenched the back of my head.  
Clothes scattered around the room.
My hands slide down your body like they have a thousand times before.
It still feels so familiar.
You whisper.
" I missed you"
I pull your body into mine even more,
We haven't been intimate like this in a while.
Knives in my back, not of betrayal, of
Love.  
Your body is an earthquake underneath me.
But, you do not bring pain.
Life breathes out of you, fills the air around you.
Fills me.
Our bodies wrapped together, I don't know if there's a more beautiful scene than that.

I wrote you these poems.
Have you even ready any of them?
Poured my heart into these words,
Like I was writing in blood.
But, you didn't see it.
Maybe they're just invisible to you.
Or can only my eyes seem them?
Maybe it's magic..
even if it was,
Would you still believe in it ?

Baby hold on , please don't let go.  
I'll kiss the spots you don't show.
The ones you took so long to show me.

It's hard to look at the moon , when all I see is that tattoo on the back of your neck.

These trees don't look as good as you do in an old t-shirt of mine.

The radio stats quiet , because I only ever hear the songs you'd sing while you were sitting next to me.