you pull out
flowers like
they’re weeds
and they die
on your release

while i thrive
on stale air
waiting, where
you left me—
                hanging.

intoxicates hearts
drowns them in bitterness
fills minds and
tricks them into thinking
that drunkenness
is forgetting

but the soul,
it is the soul that is
often left, it never forgives
unless it forgets.

three words
to soften hardened shells

three words
to break through high walls

three words
to ask wandering souls,
forgoing shyness
to see eyes
swelled up in emotion
waiting for the time
to just let go

*are you okay?

the wind blows strong
little by little, leaves fall

i look around
as they surround me,
lifeless they may be
but to me, they bring folly

in my mind, i wonder
how do they know
when to let go of the tree?

Sa pag-abot sa kahayag
(As the light approaches)
Ngari sa ngitngit kong kinabuhi
(Here in my dark life)
Ang bidlisiw sa adlaw lamang
(Only the rays of the sun)
Ang nagbalik sa napalid
(Have brought back)
Kong mga damgo
(My dreams which have flown away)

Bisag wala niya nasayod
(Even if it doesn’t know)
Ang akong mga kalisod
(All of my difficulties)
Siya lamang ang nagdala
(Only it can bring)
Ug kalipay nga tinuod.
(Happiness that is genuine.)

seeing you again, all smiles
in out old spot over a cup of coffee
i couldn't help but reminisce how we used
to be, and how we went from strangers, to friends,
to almost lovers in the same spot we're in. but love was
something that was never fated for us. but i love you. and as
i look over my cup of hot coco, it swirls in rhythm with my thoughts.
oh, the bittersweet goodness is what i've always loved. as it swirls slower and
slower, our talk approaches its inevitable end. i wished it never did. i didn't finish my
cup, thinking that you wouldn't leave if i didn't. i guess goodbye is still bitter, even it it's bittersweet.

Hail Mary full of grace
this is the start of your darkest days
the Lord is with you
the shadow within is waiting too
blessed are you among women
look at the pale faces of the passed brethren
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus
foreshadowing won’t help your crumbling aegis

Holy Mary Mother of God
miracles aren’t in multitudes of cod
Pray for us sinners
and for everlasting winters
Now and at the hour of our death
long until your final breath
Amen.*
in suffering, there is no end.

if wilted flowers
ever bloomed again
into a different kind,
one that would be
so much beautiful
than it ever was,
you would be that flower.

will you stay long enough
to keep me until i can love again?
or will you make me see
that there is no hope for me?

if you will, then be the wind
that goes without a trace,
so i can only smell
what you’ve left,
the scent of your betrayal

for each time you return
to fill me with your essence,
i have no choice,
but to open myself fully to you—

i can’t live like this,
i can’t breathe in what you exhale,
leaving me with nothing, when
you go on to places
like the morning mist,

this isn’t love, this is
all your emotions on airlock
poured out on me,
i can tell you’re running out
so i’m running away.

your words
have always found
their way into me

i tried resisting
but then—
i couldn’t breathe.

i'd rather live
not knowing all the
answers to life

i'd rather not know
how deep the ocean is
or how the world looks
from end to end--

or why we try to make sense
out of stars that align
so we can call each other
star-crossed lovers

if i knew all the answers
i wouldn't have to read books
or anything at all

all i want is, when i'm
on my deathbed, the last thing
that i want to know is:
i've lived a life and i
didn't know much
but i lived long enough
to know what
happiness is.

you showed me love
for thirty days
i gave you
my heart in eight

these numbers
don't actually mean anything

but with you gone
it's all i have
worth remembering.

time never helped me, so
i made my name permanent
on my bare skin
it was red and deep
and it reminded me everyday
that you weren’t worthy
of being permanent on my skin.

in my own movie
i will always be
the supporting actress

i’ll be the one who helps
the main character
through everything

not stopping at
plot twists and turns
not giving up on the ******
knowing that the denouement,
whether happy or sad
will always be for the best
because there are lessons learned—

but i never win an award.

on a sunday
we went to church
a bit earlier than most
mother knelt down
and in a rare time,
father knelt with her

i could almost feel
my mother's fervent prayer
emanating from
her bowed head,
with clasped hands
she was a sight,
like a rose offering
gratitude to the earth and sky

but from my father
i thought i heard a grunt
or a sigh, or a snore
between sealed lips,
he was dreaming
while he knelt in front
of a church pew
tiredness, perhaps.

seeing love rise and fall
from a seedling to a tree,
until the last branch left
on a dying trunk, has to
withstand storms and rains
but it never turns green

sometimes water isn’t enough
for trees to grow.

or hell or purgatory
i don’t mind

as humans,
we can only celebrate life
for we never see death
as something worthy of happiness

but i accept everything
that life and death brings
not because i have no choice
but because i can’t imagine
myself with you right here anymore

i may not have moved on
but i pray for you while i breathe
i just wish you could blow these candles
wherever you are—

in heaven, in hell, or in things too
beautiful i have yet to see.

the sun and the moon
must be lonely things
giving hope for all
without getting the
love they need

the sunrise and
the dusk are all
the sun could get
closest to the moon

and the stars in
the night sky, never
seem to be as bright
enough as the sun

eclipses must happen
for a reason.

I am jealous of who
you think of at night
because I think of you

yet in my dreams
you are in constant flight.

we are all little birds
stuck in a cage.
begging for release,
waiting for our songs
to be sung.

i made you a card
the only words inside are
“i love you and i’m sorry”

it would mean so much to me
if you could receive it
because you’d understand,
and gather my pieces while
everyone sees me whole

but i don’t know where you are
and heaven doesn't accept cards
unless i send them to you myself

i’ll pray for you, ma
happy mother’s day.

I would have to rely
on drugs
in order to recover
from you

Acetaminophen
for the pain
that never seems
to go away

Lithium
to keep me sane
for a functioning brain

Propofol
for temporary euphoria
a tinge of a smile
even just for a while

Cepalin
for the scrapes
and for the
scars to fade

All knowledge used
and resources searched
still I couldn't find the cure
to make me forget you.

no lost souls
no dead hearts
no visiting strangers
bringing wreaths of flowers
that wilt under the sun

although my love
is close to death,
long until my final breath

i will never be a graveyard
and my heart isn’t
a mausoleum.

I catch a glimpse
Our eyes meet halfway
My heart races
As I lose my senses

In the abyss of my mind
I hope I will find
That we never can be
More of what others could see.

i let the tides
wash away the
worries in my mind
i let the waves crash
with the fears i had,
my voice was too soft
in the salty air, but it
was heard by the current—

where it took me,
away from reality
without going astray
from everyone else

i was lost in a paradise
where i managed
to stay afloat, for
i never had to drown
in lonesome thoughts
and i never had to
bare down to feel worthy

in the sea
i was me, and
i never wanted
to leave.

we only take what we can
and return where we started
like ants stealing our sweets,
we consume the marrow
of this earth

we come back for more
in the hopes to acquire
the sweetness we worked hard for
often times, we are stopped,
mid-track, holding on to sweetness
or to nothing at all—

leaving behind what we have
or who we are, as the sweets
that people behind us
would stumble upon.

remind me
of prejudice,
unspoken judgment,
promises and hopes
that get severed by lies,
deceit and indifference

whether we like it or not,
we will be seen differently
under the radar
of discriminating eyes,
but--

if your love was a label
i'd wear it like my purity ring
and only remove it
when i find the right label
for you and me-- *us.

I was lost in you

in your blue eyes,
where I saw the morning sky

in the freckles on your back
which formed celestial bodies
i’ve grown to memorize

in your thoughts,
where our melancholy
formed odes to our existence

in your lips,
where all my words unsaid
made sense

but you never realized
that you lost me.

i exist in everything
but i am more saturated
in different settings

in airports
but people are always in a rush
for their check-in time
and i end up taken for granted

in sea ports
but people are sea sick
and i end up being disregarded

in bus terminals
but people are too busy
checking for the next bus
to come, they don't think
i'm there

i think the only place
i would be happy
is in a green meadow
but it's useless being alone
no one notices,
not even stone

you can't even see me
sometimes it hurts
when you breathe,
but i'm here because
you need me the most

*--love, air.

once for coming out
of their mother's womb
for words can never suffice
a breath instead of a tomb

twice for the first scrape
on a limp knee
because the first steps
are always the hardest

thrice for a love
unknowingly lost
where the chances all used
makes life a big loss

men cry thrice
the third being the longest
where tears are unseen
because broken hearts
cannot shed memories
of love lost in sudden.

if God had mercy
would he end me?

for all i've done,
and what i've
been through

if he had mercy
he would end me.

it’s an unspoken rule
in a society that thrives
with as many people throughout
the whole color spectrum

I’ll stay
even if dusk
settles, and all
you see is a
starless sky

I’ll be your moon
and i’ll light up
your night, we’ll
make stars out
of the tears
we hold inside

I’ll be the last moonbeam
that kisses your eyes
before the break
of the sunrise—

when Venus shines
and the sun covers
my subtle light,
i’ll wait for you
until the twilight comes.

be still
until you feel the air
gently caressing
the nape of your neck

close your eyes
because no one else
will hurt you, there
is nothing more to resist

just listen
silence has a voice,
it is the loud ringing
when your ears
try to escape the void

breathe in
breathe out
do it again

put the blade down.

one—

for a day filled with extremes
happiness to sorrow
sorrow to contentment
and eventually,
exhaustion.

two—

for hidden stories
locked in for years
triggered open by loneliness,
kept in again before dawn

three—

to evaporate unseen tears,
burn out unreleased emotions,
while watching the embers glow
and fall slowly onto moist concrete.

you’re a drug
that i should never
run out of—

for i’ve never
breathed life
until i had you
in me

and i’ve been dead
after all this time
until you had me.

art is the closest
to perfection
that we see

poetry
is describing
its perfection
in words aplenty

prose
is the rise of words
to build up
perfection

we mortals
use our minds
to make sense of
things that we
feel and see—

that, in itself
is perfection.

pull my strings
when i’m not under pressure
do i make a sound?
or do i break loose?
i don’t know
*i just don’t know.

when i find refuge
only in dreams,
where i run from reality
before i could blink
wake me up before
i turn into
a nightmare.

I will find you
and I will make you taste
ink, spilled from the pits
of my gut, so you can
taste the bitterness
of your ill words

I will make you see
that words may define me
but they won't matter
because I see myself differently
from you, and you, and yes, you

But I won't hurt you
that's too easy for me
I'll let your curiosity grow
until you'll wonder why you
even hated me in the first place.

salt—
from my eyes
to the ravaging sea
to the endless ocean
to depths unseen
salt—
subtle, raw, fulfilling
in pain, in tears, in suffering.

on sleepless nights
thoughts of you
pull me away from
the ocean of my
deep thoughts
and lull me to sleep

some nights,
they help me stay afloat
and stay on course
to have good dreams

tonight is not that night

Bodies shiver
On a night of thunder
Eyes stay open
Thoughts bedridden
Lying side by side
It's better staying inside.

I like milk tea
like I like my men

Oolong—
deeply rooted in
his beliefs, strong,
slightly bitter— rarely
compromising

Milk and sugar—
delicate, able to bend
rules without losing
integrity, sweet yet
lasting, like the
aftertaste I’ve
grown to love

Cold—
ice cold, only to
complement the
warmth I’ve been
saving for a lone soul

Pearls—
sinkers to my tea,
unflavored yet unyielding.
the anchor of any man
willing to stay with me—
this I have yet to see.

the scattered letters i know,
i turn into words
the thoughts floating in my mind
i turn into poetry
when vague, it becomes prose
when i can, i turn them into song

but, at all times—
they never reach you.

if you break her heart
i will tear your heart into pieces
and scatter them on a riverbed
where the water flows
to the seven seas

when you try to find them,
you never will
because by that time,
the pieces would’ve been
washed up on uncharted islands
and you’ll end up with
the salt from every tear drop
you made her cry

you see, you must never hurt her
or you’ll drown in the great expanse
of the ocean, her ocean

if you do, you’re better off
finding love during sandstorms
in an arid desert

if you’re not ready to swim,
you should never
dip your toes in water
in the first place.

**** the love
out of a person
and you’re left
with a mind that
acts based on
pure reason
and no intuition.

a million glances
go my way

in fear of judgement,
i run away
and hide myself from
condescending stares

looking for comfort
in the midst of strangers,
i see myself looking
at something familiar
outlined by my hopeful eyes

closer i go,
trying to make out
the memories i’ve
hidden in my great expanse
of a mind

little by little
the vagueness becomes
surreal, and i am left
admiring my view
for its exquisite beauty

until you catch me
looking at you.

there are things
that many would do
to complete your puzzle,
make you whole, thinking
that by picking up the pieces
you’d be better again.

little do they know
that the only
thing missing from you
is yourself.

Our stars may shine
at different times

the constellations
we form, may not
be aligned

but in hopes
and dreams, we
coincide.