i gave you every chance
to tell me
i gave you every chance
to talk to me
i gave you every chance
to love me
but you shut me out
again
and again
and again
how do you think i feel

i don't think
i know how to be both
me
&
happy
at the same time anymore

months after you left
slamming the door shut
behind you
i am still
breaking my nails
trying to pry myself
back open

when i saw a picture of you
i almost didn't recognize you
almost
i am waiting
for the months to
turn into years
and for time to erase
the perfect image
i have created for you

we no longer owe each other
anything except apologies
it took you four months
to bring my things
to our friends house
and four months
for me to even ask
i wish this was easier
i hope only the best for you
use this experience to grow
and i will try to do the same

my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me

months after the end of everything
i am finally ready to move on
and i am terrified
that i have too much baggage
to ever be loved again
or to ever be loved in the first place

today when i heard your voice
i did not sob
i was not sad
i was not angry
i was not hopeful
i was not confused
i did not feel
anything
i now know
i am making progress
really ******* slow progress
but to not feel
when i hear your voice
means that i am okay
i will be okay
you are not in control of me
you never were

today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you

there are still parts of me
trying to forget you
i want to forget the good
i want to erase me
from your memory
not all of me
but just the parts
that made you stop loving me
that is not to say
i want us to be in love again
i do not
but i do not want
every memory you have of me
coated in a thick layer
of regret

i don't know what i want
but i do know
i am going to need
somebody who is
willing to be
patient
my heart has been broken
my voice has been stollen
i am no longer naive
to heartbreak
and i am afraid to
tell you what i need
because i am not asking
you to wait
but i hope that you
will stay

mom
i am so sorry
i was not ready
and now that i am
mom
i am so scared
how can you ever forgive me
is a lie by omission
still considered a lie
mom
did you know
how long did it take you to realize
i was not going to make this life easy
even though you gave me the world
all of the privilege i could ask for
i would still find a way to make it harder
mom
will you still love me the same way
will you have to grieve the girl i used to be
will you be able to sleep at night
will you blame yourself
mom
it is not your fault
it is no one’s fault
there is nothing wrong
mom
i love this part of me
i love all of me
mommy
please
when you are ready
love this part of me too
love all of me if you can

now that you are gone
i feel this sudden urge
to let you read my poetry
i want you to know
how much i loved you
how much i cared about you
how i wrote your eyes
into constellations
hoping that if i
was able to write it down
i would be able to hold onto it
and i want you to know
that you hurt me
but more than that
i want you to know
that i forgive you
that i am not angry
or bitter
that we do not have to be
a souring fruit
and i want you to have
the moments i have penciled
into my memory
because, darling,
there are poems
that only you
will ever be able to understand

i didn't want to write
anymore love poems
i thought
no one else
deserves my pen
my thoughts
my heart
but i forgot
that it is me
it is my turn
that my love
does not have to be
directed at others
all of the time

when i told my brother
he said he’s always known
how could he have known
when i did not
i thought i would like that response
i don’t think i know what i want

when the easy choice
is not the right choice
i am begging you
to pick what is right
not what is easy

i am both
happy
and
terrified
to be back here

there is a song
a song only you would know
and when i search for the song
it is gone
no where to be found
it is stuck in my head
but when i look through our playlist
it is no longer there
i scour the internet for hours
searching for the words
hoping i can find it without you
i finally reach out
ask you about the song
you remember the words
the melody
the crackling sound of his voice
but you cannot remember his name
and here we are again
searching for something
that has left without a trace
and maybe we are that song
something only we remember
maybe we are not supposed to find it again
maybe that song ends
and we end too
but it did exist
and so did our love
but like that song
we cannot play forever
yet somehow
my mind will continue to sing
take me back
take me back
i’m sorry we never found our el paso

today is the day
where you
turned into nothing more
than a picture
i can gently tuck away
into my memory box

for so long
i gave all of my love
to you
if you
would have asked
for my heart
or my hand
or my head
i would have
happily given it
to you
but now
i think maybe
it is time
to give myself
all of my love

i am stuck in a place
of so badly wanting to be happy
and doing nothing about it
it’s not that i don’t want to do anything
i do
but there is something stopping me
from changing anything
because what if
when i try to make it better
i make it worse
and i flip the small switch
that brings me back
to that terrible place
and i let myself get swallowed
over and over again
i am fighting this private war
but the battle has come to a standstill
there are no victories
there is no action
i have to do something

i get excited
when her name
pops up on my phone
when she texts me first
when she asks me to hangout
how lovely it is
to feel wanted
and to want back

i could have said no
when you asked
i didn’t want you to feel bad
but i was drunk
too drunk to say yes
too drunk for yes to mean yes
and you knew that
you should have known that
i don’t know if you knew that
and now
i don’t know what to call that night
to call you
that night is still fuzzy
my memory is blurred
but all i remember
is wanting it to stop
so badly
and not saying anything
i could have said something
why couldn’t i say anything

i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me

you told me you wrote about me
that terrifies me
no one has ever wanted to do that
to write about me
not like that
i am scared
i am not ready to do it again
i am not ready to hurt
to get hurt
to hurt you
i know you want more
i'm sorry
i can't give you what you want
thank you
for wanting me anyway

i keep thinking about
when she told me i was
“a lot”
she meant it as an insult
i know that
but i do not understand
how being “a lot”
is a bad thing
what she meant
was that my love
overwhelmed her
i felt emotions
she did not understand
or maybe i just understood
those same emotions differently
i loved with every part of my being
i think it is a compliment
to be able to love “a lot”
to be able to laugh “a lot”
to be able to care “a lot”
i have decided that
i am done apologizing
i am ready to wear
“a lot”
across my chest
like a scarlet letter
and embrace the woman
i am now becoming

i don't know how to feel
am i allowed to be sad
am i allowed to cry
i did this
i picked this
i hurt you
so i know i don't get to cry
but
here i am
pages wet
ink and mascara running

i wish i cheated on her
i wish i did something wrong
something i could pinpoint
give me a place on a map
and i will cross the ocean
to find the answer
but there is no answer to this
there is no ocean to cross
there is silence
months of discomfort
there is no location
there is nothing left
nothing here for me
why am i still searching

i never thought
i would be willing
to change myself
to be with another person
but i would have
changed anything
to stay with you
and maybe
that is the problem
when i loved you
i forgot how to love myself
and i can preach self love
without feeling it
but now
i am going to take the time
and yes, i know
it will take time
to love myself
because everyone
deserves a place in this world
and that place
does not belong
inside of another person

"some of us are born chasing poetry"

chasing heart break
chasing writing prompts
chasing closure
chasing tears
chasing something
our fingers will never
be able to grasp

some of us
are tired of running

sit down
take a breath
there is no need chase
you are enough
you have always been enough

there is no need to chase the wholeness
you can fill
you have always been able to fill

i like it when
you text me first
i like it when you
play with my hair
i like it when you
hold my hand
i like it when you
kiss my forehead
i like it when you
hold me by my waist
i like it when you
laugh really hard
i like it when you
hold me really tight
and i think maybe
it is because
i like you

i think i liked it better
when you
completely ignored me
there was no more harsh air
no more bleeding ears
no more impatient tongues
no more broken fingernails
for a moment
there was silence
that no longer felt
uncomfortable
i was so grateful
for those silent moments
when you were not in my mind
and now that you are back
i so greatly wish
for that comfortable silence
to reappear
to wrap me up
to hold me
like the questions
you will never answer
i think
there is some part of me
hidden away
that is still waiting
for you to be the answer
you will never be
my answer

best friend
i am still angry
you do not always
get to pick the easy way
without hurting anyone
and it always seems to be me
the one who feels the hurting
i know you are trying
but this is not about you
please
sometimes i just need you
to support me

after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me

to my ex girlfriend who
"didn't like jewelry"
but would never stop me
from getting a piercing

you would not tell me
you didn't like my body
instead you would point out
my flaws on other people
and make sure i was listening
"i hate when people pierce their whole ears"
my laugh is stopped
"oh but not you love"
we sit in the silence she creates

she loved me like she was doing an act of service
look! i can love the girl who feels to much
look! i can care about her
look! she needs me
look! i am doing something good

she broke up with me like quitting a job
she never wanted in the first place
impersonal
unapologetic &
fast
a fourteen minute phone call to end a first love

one day
you will realize
you did not love me
love is not a chore
you do not have to pretend
it is not kind to pretend to love
because you think someone needs it
people are not acts of service
you used me
you stole away my first love
i can never have it back
if you can not love every part of someone
do not try to change them
into someone you can love
one day
when you find a real love
all i can hope
is that they do not play love
the way you once did

if my body
is no longer my home
where do i belong

ex love
i wish you
nothing in excess
not smiles
not sugar
not sunflowers
you do not deserve
to be surrounded
by "a lot"
ever again
you spent
our whole relationship
trying to change me
into something less
you could not love
every part of me
i overwhelmed you
my emotions scared you
when i gave you a lot of love
you could not handle me
maybe you didn't deserve to

i am afraid to love you
i love abundantly and unapologetically
i am afraid to hold you
i might never want to let go
i am afraid to be with you
i know that i can be overwhelming
i am afraid to leave you
i don't know what comes next

when she says
"i wish i could help you"
why do i hear
"i wish i could fix you"

i'm not
i'm not
i'm not

good enough

grandma,
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy

you asked about my poetry
you stopped and asked me
to reread a poem to you

i cannot tell
if you wanted to hear
my voice shake
or if you really cared

you are the only partner
who ever truly appreciated
my writing

and i cannot understand
how there can be
so much good mixed into the bad

you hurt me in a way
that is unforgivable
but you also cared so deeply
about me

how do i forgive myself
for not constantly being angry
for the scars you have left me with

i am going to miss
the car alarm
that is your
heartbeat
when i lay
my head
on your chest

i was finally ready
to go home
finally settled
in the discomfort
of being in the same place
as you

all it takes is one message
and i am taken back
to the first day

i do not want to cry

if my tears were stars
there would already be a whole galaxy
dedicated to you

you do not deserve a galaxy
you barely deserve a star

dear body
i am sorry

i have lost control again
she is not our universe

she has never been our universe
we are a compilation
of stardust and tears and skin and bone

we are enough
i am sorry
i let myself think otherwise

when i told her
i wasn't ready
all i could say
was i'm sorry
when will i stop
having to apologize
for how i'm feeling
the worst part is
i am sorry
i feel guilty
i wish i was ready
for something new
but i'm not
and it is not because
i don't like you
i really do
but i have been hurt
and i am not willing
to do the same to you

you were there the first time
i saw a shooting star
i remember the moon's glow
your hair, your eyes, your smile
my heart, racing inside my chest
i remember the stones
cold beneath my bare feet
the wind blowing hard
the goosebumps on my arm
i remember not caring at all
i could have been freezing
i'm sure i would not have noticed
i remember smiling so much
my cheeks began to hurt
hearing your heart pound
with my head pressed against your chest
i remember the stars being brighter
than i have ever seen
i remember
darling
how could i forget

i keep feeling like
i'm asking too much of you
that my expectations are too high
sometimes when i text you
i feel crazy
but maybe
i'm not asking too much of you
maybe i'm not expecting enough for myself

homesick can’t be the right word
what is the word
for missing a place
that no longer exists
sure,
the buildings are still there
but the place i miss
with the people i miss
is no longer there
so why do i miss it so badly
homesick isn’t the right word
for missing somewhere
that you can never have back

and the hardest part is
all i want to do
is call my mom
i want to tell her everything
i want to tell her about you
the loving
the longing
the leaving
but the last person i can call
is my mom