i keep thinking about
when she told me i was
“a lot”
she meant it as an insult
i know that
but i do not understand
how being “a lot”
is a bad thing
what she meant
was that my love
overwhelmed her
i felt emotions
she did not understand
or maybe i just understood
those same emotions differently
i loved with every part of my being
i think it is a compliment
to be able to love “a lot”
to be able to laugh “a lot”
to be able to care “a lot”
i have decided that
i am done apologizing
i am ready to wear
“a lot”
across my chest
like a scarlet letter
and embrace the woman
i am now becoming

months after the end of everything
i am finally ready to move on
and i am terrified
that i have too much baggage
to ever be loved again
or to ever be loved in the first place

there is a song
a song only you would know
and when i search for the song
it is gone
no where to be found
it is stuck in my head
but when i look through our playlist
it is no longer there
i scour the internet for hours
searching for the words
hoping i can find it without you
i finally reach out
ask you about the song
you remember the words
the melody
the crackling sound of his voice
but you cannot remember his name
and here we are again
searching for something
that has left without a trace
and maybe we are that song
something only we remember
maybe we are not supposed to find it again
maybe that song ends
and we end too
but it did exist
and so did our love
but like that song
we cannot play forever
yet somehow
my mind will continue to sing
take me back
take me back
i’m sorry we never found our el paso

today when i heard your voice
i did not sob
i was not sad
i was not angry
i was not hopeful
i was not confused
i did not feel
anything
i now know
i am making progress
really ******* slow progress
but to not feel
when i hear your voice
means that i am okay
i will be okay
you are not in control of me
you never were

after this year
you deserve more than an ode
you deserve a symphony
a compilation of
every tear
every laugh
every song
every poem
every doubt
every moment
body
if it was not for you
i would not be here
you are stronger than
i could have imagined
if you decided to collapse
to breakdown
to give up
all i would be able to say
is thank you
how did you do it for so long
but you did not
body
you leave me wondering
what you are made of
i am surprised
that we are one in the same
and body
i know this **** doesn’t matter
but you are beautiful
every scar
every freckle
every stretch mark
every bruise
forms into a painting
colorful and wild and incredible
body
you deserve a million odes
but i only have one
body
thank you will never be enough
but it is all i have
body
thank you

we no longer owe each other
anything except apologies
it took you four months
to bring my things
to our friends house
and four months
for me to even ask
i wish this was easier
i hope only the best for you
use this experience to grow
and i will try to do the same

what i want to say:
i am not coming because
right now
my body is the enemy
and my mind has chained me
to my bed
i have not felt beautiful
or good enough
in a long time
and all i deserve
is this bed
and all i deserve
is this mind
and all i deserve
is right here
i sure as hell
do not deserve you

what i say:
i'll be there in 5 minutes