it took me a long time to realize that the
deep
dark
feeling of homesickness would not fade
with a simple location,
or even a pair of warm arms
to pull me closer at night
or evena fulfillment
of a dream close to my heart
because the home i'm looking for
is not so easily achieved.
it is not a place
or a person,
but an ideology;
the feeling of
wanderlust
homesickness
hope for a new future
in all us humans on earth is that of
peace.
subconsciously or not, we are all searching
for the day that
we may live together without
prejudice
intolerance
hatred
belligerence
conflict.
we are searching for a breath of fresh air.

I sat next to a boy with the prettiest hands on the bus; I
was too scared to look him in the eye. They reminded me of
yours, thin and pale and with veins laced through them of
the palest lilac. I sat across from a woman on the train
today and her eyes were the most captivating thing I'd ever
seen, a sparkling amber that caught gold in the light. But
it wasn't until I followed her off onto the platform and saw
the stretch marks, like bolts of lightning, like cravasses in
a cliffside, the same stretch marks that you hate so much on
your own skin, the ones i trace with the tips of my fingers
as we attempt to inhale each other, between her shirt hem
and pants' waistline, that I realized just how much she
looked like you. I see you everywhere, and in everyone.
One shade of your eyes glinting in a passing subject sends me
into crippling nostalgia for the wet sparkling I saw when you
told me how beautiful I was for the last time. I never took
that chance to tell you just how beautiful your hands, your
eyes, your flaws are. I can't believe I never took the chance
to let you know just how beautiful I find you, because I
have a fear I never will.

MY MIND IS RESTLESS I'VE USED UP EVERY OUTLET (my pens are running out of ink my notebooks are filled up my friends are all asleep and either way they refuse to listen) IT'S GETTING BAD AGAIN CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THIS PRISON I'M TRAPPED INSIDE A BOX NO ONE BUT ME CAN SEE THERE IS NO SUNLIGHT I CANNOT SEE BUT THEY CANNOT PERCEIVE SO WHO IS THE ONE MORE BLIND I'M DRAWING BLOOD WHEN I WAS ASSIGNED ROSE BLOSSOMS I'M SURE THEY CAN BOTH BE TREATED THE SAME I SUPPOSE THEY'RE BOTH THE SIGN OF NEW LIFE (my mind is gone how can that make sense i cannot see they cannot perceive) I AM LOST IN A MAZE ONLY I CAN SEE ALL THEY PERCEIVE IS A MADWOMAN/YOUNG LADY/JUST A CHILD ROAMING EVERYWHERE TRYING TO FIND ESCAPE (escape from what i cannot believe i need rescue and yet and yet) AND YET I DO NOT NEED RESCUE BECAUSE I CAN PERCEIVE WHEN THEY CANNOT I AM RUNNING OUT OF BLOODINKNOTEBOOKPAPERFRIENDSTIME DO NOT TOUCH TOXIC IF INGESTED CONTACT YOUR LOCAL POISON CONTROL BECAUSE I WILL INFILTRATE YOUR BLOODSTREAM AND GOD KNOWS WHAT I'LL GET UP TO IN THERE YOU ARE JUST A LABYRINTH I'LL FIND MY WAY OUT EVENTUALLY HOW DID THIS BECOME A LOVEDEATHTRAGEDY POEM OR IS IT COMEDY I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DEATHLOVETRAGEDY AND YET I AM SUCH SHOULD I LAUGH AT MYSELF OR DOES THAT MAKE ME MAD OR SIMPLY MADDER (or simply a comedy) EITHER WAY THEY'RE LOCKING ME UP AND THROWING AWAY THE KEY (god save us all the key to life is) WHICH IS SEEMINGLY A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION GO HOME FOLKS NONE OF THIS IS REAL (or is it) SHUT UP (or is it) SHUT IT (OR IS IT WHICH IS REAL) and which isn't (WHO KNOWS ALL I KNOW IS I MUST LEAVE) I HAVE A LABYRINTH TO DECODE

let's go fishing
with each others
cans of worms,
trading off,
like a game,
explaining each
as they attract a bite;
let's see who wins first,
you challenged,
and i agreed.
my first catch:
my family's constant
biting at my heels,
insisting for the
"perfect"
version of myself
as I explain to them
"as soon as I reach Utopia,
it is no longer Utopia."
yours:
the demon eating away
at your lungs and
esophagus
shaped like burning tobacco
in a cylindrical prison;
you cough up burnt bills,
bank accounts, family pictures
(your future ones) in pain.
mine:
a gnawing in my stomach,
constant and demanding,
and addiction to be craved
by shaking fingers
scratching backs of throats,
tinged fiery,
tinged fatally;
black spots in peripheral.
yours:
tiny teeth up and down
your arms and legs
eyes to the brain
head to the sky
thoughts to the blank spots
of the universe
your addiction that curses mine
and maintains better.
mine:
eyes dull
mind dull
hands dull
feet dull
mouth dull
life dull
i've stared at you blankly for months
and all you can do is stare blankly back
yours:/mine:
a monster is tearing you up inside
the dullness is fighting
but so is the fire
we mingle
we dance
we tumble into the fishing pond
and drown?

we could not breathe above
yet we cannot breath below

Feel the hush of my movements
and the scream of my stillness,
I cannot remain motionless
or I will drive myself insane
I would rather drive myself
off the edge of the cliffs
down the street from my house
where the sun reflects off
their orange-red craters
before shining like crystals
in the crevasses of the water
I would rather drown than
spend one more day
watching the walls peel paint
I would rather the steering wheel
crush my lungs under my rib cage
than let my feet rest in these shoes
without lifting off this pavement
in a sprint that hurts my lungs
more than metal and pressure
I would rather crack my head open
and let my gray matter heat in the sun
than let my mind turn to mush
thinking of the same things
over and over again in this dull -
possibly fantastic -
life.
Because I could be doing things
that can make a person think
I could be doing things
that can change a perspective
I could be influencing a whole culture
but I'm stuck between four walls
that are going to crush me
before I can even crush myself;
I can already feel my throat filling
with salty water and sand,
I can already feel my lungs deflating
and screaming under the weight of gravity,
I can already feel my brain cooking
void of any thoughts that may have existed before.
I would rather orchestrate my own demise
than watch my stationary position
do it for me.

Leaning how to breathe
while still three thousand leagues under
the sea is a skill
I've learned is useful when you
need the air to say "I'm fine."

you used to make me feel like i was in flight;
above the clouds, with the breeze in my hair,
and no one around so i could actually be myself for once
nowadays, when i see you,
it make me feel like i’ve fallen down a flight of stairs;
all tangled up inside
and broken in all the wrong places

sometimes, i wish i could forget you
but then i remember i’ve avoided a lot of train wrecks
because of our atom bomb

we were the first of mine, you know,
the first to make me commit as big a mistake
as the ******* manhattan project

you ******* me up more than you can imagine
i lay waste for months, with no sign of human life,
or, life of my own, at least

i threw myself into the care of plants and cats
and writing love songs with terrible lyrics
telling tales of people who weren’t us;
of people who never fought.
of people would never leave the stove on
because something more exciting
was going on in life outside

i used to feel like i was always close to you,
to the world, to a bigger idea,
but now, when i think of you, i feel like
the bigger things are ominously closing in on me
closer, closer, too close, crushingly,
and you were always so physical