It’s fun honestly,
It is kind of a game in its own way.
You name ‘em,

They are like the holy 4,
The 4 that get me where I need to be.

In my defense, I tried being sober earlier today,
Being on spring break,
Tagging along with my best friend,
Being a part of this Greek Life Culture that I’ve never experienced,
It is great.

Drugs are seen as the norm.
If you aren’t on something,
Then you are doing something wrong.

I’ve found that in this culture,
I have found solace.
People like me,
They like me when I’m sober,
They like me when I’m not,
But I’m much more accepting to them when I’m intoxicated.
I don’t see them as potential threats,
People who are just looking to use me.
I see them as friends,
I see them as people who like me for me,
And honestly that is all I really want.

It is hard sometimes,
Feeling accepted by these people.
I want to assimilate into their group,
I know they want me there too,
I want to feel accepted,
And they want me to feel accepted too,
But my brain holds me back

So while I know it is not the right way to do things,
I’ll smoke that weed,
Drink that alcohol,
Snort that coke,
And smoke that tobacco,
Because they like the person on all those things way more,
And to be honest I like her a lot more too.

drugs sorority fraternity college springbreak tobacco alcohol druguse smoke drink

I'm going down
To the local bar
To visit
One of the toilets
I'm going to be
A star
Let me see
If the shoe fits
I beats the crap
Out of rap
Think I'll put my hands
Into my arm pits
I dream of
The weirdest stuff
Like just call me
Vanilla Nice
I'm the wiggar
Who likes to
Roll the dice
I don't get caught
In a trap
No not like
Those other mice
No shit
It just came out
I had to get up
And write it down
This ain't no stick up
So baby you can
Put your hands down
You can label me a fool
You can say I'm a clown
I guess it's just
I'm looking for that sound
Laugh my ass off
I couldn't get back to sleep
I guess I'm going down

It's 10:00 at night and it's been at least a half hour since you've eaten something. You make your way to the kitchen, empty bowl in hand. You place the bowl with the dirty dishes and the world slows down as you turn to see the small container with your name on it...

I hate it.

You grab a glass of juice and stare at the container down. As if the black that so neatly stamps your name could stare back. You open the kid proof cap and pour out half its contents into your dominant hand.

Just to feel the weight of death in you dominant hand. "Take 2 twice daily." They said.

The half orange, half yellow capsules still in my palm. Feeling the plastic-like coating I feel like I could crush in 2 seconds flat.


Time stops.

This, is when the protagonist eats as many pills as her body will allow, when she gives in, when she dies. This movie is almost over...

Nobody else is awake, it's just you and your handful of pills.


This movie goes on, the protagonist will live.

You-- are not built on a mountain of clichés and stereotypical archetypes.


And still alive!

You pour the pills back into the container, with 4 still left in you hand. You take 2 but you still feel like it's stuck in your throat, so you eat something small to force it down. Even though these pills are supposed to be take on an empty stomach...

You get a glass of water, and set that aside with the 2 remaining pills for tomorrow morning.

Now go to sleep, make sure this protagonist lives to take the Hollywood medication tomorrow.

Back when I suffered from intense facial dermatitis, these pills were not the solution I asked for. So no, even if they did seem awful, they would not kill me.
Mar 21

when you pull away
I hope you breathe
in fertile space
birthing trueyou

however I know
your patterns now:

when it gets hard, you
often coat confusion
rage and anguish
in diversion skin

grabbing angels
(or lost souls)
obscuring view

I may be obtuse
but you upperhand
with blinders

though I like to think
you're going full lotus
you may just be
escapist frolicking
in the park

do what you got to
open all the doors
that beckon you

I did
and will

(when the U co-signs)

their insides brim
invitations to
lessons or

walk with honor
next to them

just don't forget
the who you knew
beyond skin

the one you love and resist
for the same reason

prismatic eyeing
searing through
Grade A hiding

new school gypsy
alpha span omega
altared fēniks uprising

While standing just outside tonight,
   beneath the star lit sky;
I looked up just in time to see
   an angel soaring by.

I saw a flash of purest white,
  just east of planet mars;
Then watched her as she danced around,
  and jumped from star to star.

She sang me such a precious tune,
  while soaring wild and free;
Then showed me just how high she'd fly,
  so high I couldn't see!

She swooped right down to hug my neck,
  I held her oh so tight;
Then told her what this meant to me,
  if only for tonight!

She told me not to grieve no more,
  she'll always be my girl;
But now she's walking steets of gold,
  no longer this 'ole world!

We talked some more, spent precious time,
  just walking hand in hand;
When time was up, she blew a kiss,
  then soared to Beaulah Land!

I never will forget just when;
  to short as though it seems;
I held my daughter one more time,
  if only in my dreams!

Some time ago, a friend of mine lost his precious daughter. He asked me to write a piece for her, which I did, then a few weeks later I penned these words after he told me about a dream he had in which he got to hold her once again.....

That's ok to say mate.
I know the feeling well.
Sadly those we love seem not to love us.
Sometimes think they have no idea of what indeed a relationship really is.
Just a flag of convenience for emotional pirates.
Like knickers up a flagpole

I can say with up most confidence, that I knew not what love was, till I knew what love wasn't

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