I said goodbye once
twice, three times
until the thought of chimes
fell down onto the porch
and in this dream I could see your yard and fields
and I only heard one car in one hour

i can take what I like to like
and come to terms with it and love it
break it up and turn it to ****
because since the lights are falling down
from the sidewalk and in the town
we walked and it was raining
and I have never ever used an umbrella
and I didn't then either since
I can't break that pattern
no not even for you

what I'd do to take the outside and break it in half
like it was a ******* pencil
smothered with a pen
and choked and swallowed
hung to dry
I could fly in that dream but only for a second or two
since I never told you my obsession with flying
or lucid dreaming

all I wanted to do is want to do it again
to try again because maybe it was
something I said or maybe it was
something I didn't say
and if I knew that it just
wouldn't matter I
would flatter
myself and walk the other way

the other way toward the
beginning and through the end
no matter what I tried to do
sports acting speech reading out loud
pounding words to the page
it all turned into ****
call it self-loathing
or what you will
I've tried harder in the past few months years weeks and hours
bowing down the the powers that be just didn't seem right to me
no not anymore
the differences are strong and the fight has been long
but I need to let go or act
then in a few years time forget these words ever existed
or me
my existence has eradicated tropes and cliches
and I just wanted to say
I love(ed) you so very very very much