I
'both are the answers'
I think that's what he said, what he says is dead, he used to say
he told me that I must find my wall,
but what could that mean, and would it matter at all,
really, if I didn't know who or what my wall was
but staring out into the distance, not aware of time or space
I saw laughter and the smile, and then the defense
my god, my god, was she the wall
are you the wall,
my god, my god

I can be the halo to my halo,
she only told me that so I'd be grateful, but
grateful for what, was the question
'you must have careful planning'
she told me again
to plan for the nothingness that grows in my backyard
or my illusions at night,
you encompass my bed and my arms are around dozens
of people that are just the same as you

my god, my god,
why should we be all the same
to lose ourselves in the calls and the texts and all the other
messages we get late at night
or the messages we wished we'd get during the day

so ***** your curiosity to **** in the truth
or the subjective, whatever's important, whatever rings the right way, sounds the
right way,
'You will make bells and I will paint icons'
Funny thing is I can't do either, but your Christ-like beauty
held me near, your smile, you're the wall, at least that's what I like
to imagine as I stare out the window in utter boredom

and the art can't even add up to your gleaming sun

II
I scratch my arm with the semi-broken pen
as the lady in white yells about the news
I can feel her fingers create the atmosphere,
and the dream is ******* me in as I try
once again to be buried in the replacements of many,
and I know, and I think I know
that in just a few seconds I'll see you staring ahead, determined, or lazy
I don't know which, perhaps both, just like me
and then soon I'll get a glimpse of that face and even though
I want to say something I can't say anything and I give up by screaming
inside, I think, at least until I see someone else
and that makes me go deeper, deeper, and deeper
and falling down being the swirling light to the
days of the future and the future of the days is limited
only this time without so much reassurance

III
I don't know how long it took me to understand
that your eyes were not the stars, and you were not my wall
no matter how hard it took for me to **** it up
and be a man, to be a man, my god, my god,
to be a man is to be a god, someone I can't be
so can't you see that
I don't want you to lose yourself
in my masculinity
or my excuse for it
and then I could see my soul  being lifted up by
your eyes

IV**
this is my excuse,
I love it as much as you do
we can look at it as two different things, but it's
one singular thing
one motionless thing
one little thing that has nothing to do
with my separation, my schism from reality
'Where would I be without you?' is what I asked,
not you
implied, maybe, but how am I supposed to know
they say don't look into the future, be the same, live in the moment
the moment is always the same, full of trash and appeasement

and then, finally, I can go back in a flash, and then back to the moment
and the moment I'm always in is the moment that will go on forever
as I trek my odyssey down the hallway to see you, the wall, be my defense
my god, my god
then I see you and your friends cooling yourselves off, talking about
who-knows what and then I groan and
put my head on the table, am I embarrassed, or envious, or jealous, or all three
or everything, I'm everything but a man, the man that's defined as a real man
the man you'd like to lose yourself in, no, no I'm not that man or a "man"
I'm only a human, if I'm anything, but to be a man,
my god, my god
I think I could understand, then, I think I could understand you
if I could be a man, if I could be a man, then I would understand,
my god, my god, my god
is a man
and I am not