I sobbed last night, really cried like I haven't in awhile. Not because of a broken love or scars burned and slashed across my heart, but because of the hatred that has consumed my heart, my mind and being. I was not okay with it, I am not okay with it. You cannot heal if you hold hatred so close to a place inside of you that pumps life to your very fingertips. You cannot. It turns your heart black and shrivels your veins, it turns your hands and feet blue and lifeless. It corrodes your mind slowly and destroys your being and the light which burns within. I will not be my own destroyer, I am a healer and I am special. I have something others do not with words, anyone can burn and break with words, but me, me I can heal. That is a gift and I know this. I have helped so many beautiful people around me with the advice I have given. I have watched them heal and become happy and their lives blossom because they listened to me and believed. Every time I give a compliment to anyone their eyes shine and I now know why. They sense my sincerity and then they are left with a touch of healing because of my true sincerity in everything I say. I do not mean any of that with even the slightest narcissism at all. I am simply amazed at how I was chosen to be given such a gift and I am so blessed and grateful for this kind of gift. I am not saying I am a clean carrier with no shadows haunting my every corner. That would not be true because I do. I'm saying I need to learn to control them and live with them, instead of living them. I am not saying I will not have dark sunrises, afternoons and sunsets. I am not saying I will not have my sad days because I know I will. I am saying I am going to try to have less and have more days where I listen to my shadows wisdom but act with the lights step and hands. I will not let go of my darkness because that is a vital part of me, without it I could not have realized this. It is a war having a spilt being of shadows and lights but I was given that because that is how you realize these things. In order to be a healer I believe you have to fight gruesome battles in order to know how to help heal others. It's taught me valuable things, my battles. Such a gift comes with a price, but seeing others blossom and heal because of advice I gave or a compliment given, that is love, that is priceless. You need the dark to see the light and it is only a matter of time before you do. I'm starting to see it.