I have a cat.
I lied; I don't have a cat...

I pack heat so the ****** on the block don't **** with me.
I lied; I don't pack heat and those ****** **** with me every day...

I have oranges growing from orange trees in my greenhouse because I believe in growing my own food and living a healthy lifestyle.
I lied; I eat at McDonald's every day...

I don't do drugs.
I lied; I'm addicted to ****** and I'll abuse just about any substance you put in front of me...

I've got a lovely girlfriend who loves me just as much as I love her.
I lied; I'm single and lonely and I ******* like clockwork...

I write decent poetry.
I lied; This isn't a poem... it's a depressing heap of words I thought might pass for poetry...

I -
lied...

I'm actually extremely happy and optimistic and nothing in the world can stop me from achieving my--
*Yeah...right.