My name is Rachel
But others may refer to me as
Rach, Rachie, or Rae-rae.

I am nineteen years of age.

When I was a little girl
My smile was as bright as the sun
I ran and jumped and tumbled
I climbed trees that were so tall they touched the sky
And if ever I fell down
I picked myself up, still smiling.

It was when I was ten
That my smile finally faded
And my parents grew frustrated
With themselves
And the day they told my brother, sister and I
That they weren’t going to be together anymore
Was the same day I fell
And wasn’t strong enough to stand back up.

Four years
Of complete and total darkness
Is what followed

And then half my face froze up
Stuck in a permanent state of nothing
A paralysis of the nerves
Labelled ‘Bell’s Palsy’
Was what finally motivated my dad
To get me out of there
And after a while
I must’ve been smiling pretty hard
Because the paralysis went away.

And now I’m here.

If I were to describe myself
I’d point out that I’m five foot, four inches tall, on a good day
When anxiety isn’t weighing me down.
Rarely do I ever stand up straight.
I have deep, dark brown eyes
That observe more than they can really see.
They remain hidden behind thick framed glasses
For they, themselves, wish not to be seen.
My hair is as brown and ordinary,
Long and untamed and always in the way.
I’d cut it all off, like when I was younger
But I look older this way
And my friends like it.

I spend most of my time blogging
Even though rarely does anything exciting happen to me,
But then, that’s what John Watson said
Right before he met Sherlock.

I love television and movies
I love video games
I love books
Because I love stories.
Listening to them
Watching them
Reading them
I’d never get bored.

I like books, their pages dry and crinkling at my touch.
I put more effort into procrastination than I do into any sort of work.

Death laughs, and life depresses me.
I’m afraid of a lot of things.

Sometimes I feel too much,
Sometimes I feel nothing at all,
And that frightens me.

My imagination tends to run wild,
And sometimes it’s beautiful
But sometimes it’s brutal.
Sometimes I’m just paranoid.

I think about thinking
I think about other people thinking
I think about other people thinking about what I’m thinking
I’m an over thinker.

Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic,
And I hope to fall in love without getting confused by the idea of it.
But that’ll happen when I’m ready for it.

I believe in the equality of all things, though I’m hesitant to say it’s achievable.
I know there’s good to be found in people
But I don’t understand why all I keep finding is bad.

I’m proud and prejudiced against prejudiced people
Jane Austen is my hero.

If you ask me my name
I’d probably stumble over it
Like I stumble over everything
Words seems to curl my tongue
They do wonders at the tips of my fingers
But die as soon as they cross my lips.
I get nervous when I have to speak
Or look someone in the eye
And I’m pretty sure my mouth has a mind of its own.

I like being alone but sometimes I get lonely.
I’m moody and temperamental, and a little mental
But those that care for me don’t mind.

I’m more inclined to listen
If I can sing along too.

I’m clumsy and uncoordinated.
I walk into doorframes and apologize.
I stub my toe and laugh
But other people’s pain makes me cry.

I know a few words in Italian,
Even fewer in Russian,
And they’re all slang or swear words.

When I blush my entire face is painted scarlet,
And my skin is so sensitive it’s sometimes a blotchy mess.
I stutter
Unless I’m ranting.
Usually my thoughts make more sense
When I’m not thinking at all.

I am Rachel and this is barely scratching the surface of who I might be.