i look at you longingly
you look at me same
the right seconds till we look away with a smile
such a happiness, of a longing made life
lasting a drop of rain from the treetop

i heard the manic high lasts only a few weeks
with an uncomfortable normality afterwards you can feel fading by the hour
till you fall into a darkness again
tell me, is it also true
that it didn't matter
is it true
you saw me as bright as day
saw me shine like the new year sun
you were horrified when it all turned black

i should have known
you should have known
my happiness is a firework
it ends with a shockwave
it's followed by a cold silence
you wait for the next one, unless you're sick of the noise

i think of all the times i longingly stared at your eyes
now, i am reminded of all the times i dared not to look at a nose
it was my past, it was our shame, it still happens now
worse, i am surrounded by indignation
stares towards me knowing they smell sulfur and ash
stares away when my eyes meet theirs

or maybe still, i have been and still is
the sun you have so lovingly described
the light you have gracefully loved
the horror you have dangerously stared at
i have shown you my warmth and moved the air to soothe you
but you looked at me too much and i have blinded you
till you curse the light for bringing darkness

i've looked at you, longingly the same
i can marvel at your grace and life in a manic high or psychotic hell
but you might never see my eyes again

whether because you may never do so anymore
or never try
or because i will not let you
or till i can no longer